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Some people regard work as the most important thing in life and have little interest in anything else. Other people are more ethusiastic about their hobbies and leisure interests than their jobs. Discuss both these attitudes and give your opinion.

Some people regard work as the most important thing in life and have little interest in anything else. Other people are more ethusiastic about their hobbies and leisure interests than their jobs.
Discuss both these attitudes and give your opinion.

In today's modern society, some peopel consider that work is the vital thing in their whole life and spend almost their time working. Meanwhile another group of people value their personal hobbies and interests more than everything including their jobs. From my perspective, both these attitudes will be discussed in this essay.

Firstly, people nowsaday are keen on working days and nights because of the rapid development of the cities and high living costs. Therefore, they forget to spend time for hobbies and leisure interests then it could lead to seriously stressed or depression. In order to reduce the amount of negative emotions, when working in a long time, each individual should schedule leisure time for themselves and spend it for hobbies for interests.

On the other hand, some critizens prefer enjoying their hobbies to working. They are belived to have a relaxed and enjoyable life as they don't suffer from stress when working. Additionally, hobbies somtimes can become jobs which help them earn for living. For instance, the one who is keen on travelling and historical knowledge can become a tourguide or someone whose blog appeal many views can become a blogger. However, some jobs which started form hobbies may not be permanent that can only available in a short-term due to the unstability of modern society.

Hence to sum up, both these attitudes have their pros and cons. Form my perspective, each individual shoud balance their worklife and enjoyment in order to recover energy after long-term of working.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "some peopel" -> "some people"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "peopel" to "people" ensures the text adheres to standard English spelling rules, enhancing professionalism and accuracy.

  2. "vital thing" -> "essential aspect"
    Explanation: Replacing "vital thing" with "essential aspect" provides a more precise and formal term that better fits the academic context, emphasizing the importance of work in a more nuanced manner.

  3. "spend almost their time working" -> "devote almost all their time to work"
    Explanation: The phrase "devote almost all their time to work" is more formal and precise, clearly indicating the extent of time spent on work, which is more appropriate for academic writing.

  4. "nowsaday" -> "currently"
    Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise adverb than "nowsaday," which is not a standard term in English language usage.

  5. "spend time for hobbies and leisure interests" -> "allocate time for hobbies and leisure activities"
    Explanation: "Allocate" is a more formal verb than "spend," and "activities" is a more specific term than "interests," which enhances the academic tone of the sentence.

  6. "then it could lead to seriously stressed or depression" -> "which could lead to serious stress or depression"
    Explanation: Correcting the grammatical structure and using "serious" instead of "seriously" improves the sentence flow and formality. Additionally, "stress" should be used as a noun here, not an adjective.

  7. "each individual should schedule leisure time for themselves" -> "each individual should schedule leisure time for their own use"
    Explanation: Adding "for their own use" clarifies the purpose of scheduling leisure time, enhancing the precision and formality of the recommendation.

  8. "somtimes" -> "sometimes"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "somtimes" to "sometimes" maintains the professionalism and accuracy of the text.

  9. "critizens" -> "citizens"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "critizens" to "citizens" ensures the text adheres to standard English spelling rules.

  10. "belived" -> "believed"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "belived" to "believed" maintains the professionalism and accuracy of the text.

  11. "don’t suffer from stress when working" -> "do not experience stress while working"
    Explanation: "Do not experience stress while working" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea, avoiding the contraction "don’t" and improving the academic tone.

  12. "Form my perspective" -> "From my perspective"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "Form" to "From" ensures the text adheres to standard English spelling rules.

  13. "worklife" -> "work life"
    Explanation: Adding a space between "work" and "life" corrects the compound noun, aligning with standard English usage and enhancing readability.

  14. "long-term of working" -> "long periods of working"
    Explanation: "Long periods of working" is a more precise and formal way to describe extended periods of employment, improving the academic tone of the sentence.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both attitudes towards work and leisure, as required by the prompt. The first paragraph discusses the perspective that work is paramount, highlighting the pressures of modern life and the consequences of neglecting leisure. The second paragraph presents the opposing view, emphasizing the benefits of hobbies and leisure activities. However, the discussion could be more balanced; the first attitude is explored in more depth than the second, which could lead to a perception of bias.
    • How to improve: To enhance the balance, the writer should ensure that both perspectives are given equal weight. This can be achieved by providing more detailed examples or arguments for the second viewpoint, perhaps discussing the psychological benefits of hobbies in greater detail or including more examples of how hobbies can lead to fulfilling careers.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that advocates for a balance between work and leisure. However, the clarity of this position could be improved. The phrase "From my perspective" is used, but the conclusion does not strongly reiterate this stance, which may leave readers uncertain about the writer’s ultimate viewpoint.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently refer back to their viewpoint throughout the essay. This can be done by explicitly stating their opinion in the introduction and conclusion, and by using phrases like "I believe" or "In my opinion" at key points in the discussion to reinforce their stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented, but they lack depth and development. For instance, the discussion on the negative effects of overworking is introduced but not fully explored. The mention of hobbies turning into jobs is a strong point but could benefit from further elaboration and examples to support the argument.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. This could involve providing statistical data, studies, or more concrete examples that illustrate the benefits of hobbies or the consequences of work-centric lifestyles. Each idea should be developed into a full paragraph with clear explanations and supporting details.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the two attitudes towards work and leisure. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the second paragraph where the discussion of hobbies becoming jobs could be seen as slightly tangential to the main argument about the value of work versus leisure.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the main question of the essay. It may be helpful to outline the main arguments before writing to ensure that all content is relevant and contributes to answering the prompt. Additionally, avoiding overly broad statements that stray from the specific topic can help keep the essay tightly focused.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both attitudes, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, while the body paragraphs address the two perspectives on work and leisure. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between the first and second body paragraphs feels abrupt, as there is no clear linking sentence that connects the two ideas. The conclusion summarizes the discussion but could be more explicitly linked to the arguments presented.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through the argument. For example, phrases like "In addition to the importance of work" or "Conversely, it is also vital to consider" can help create smoother transitions. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that reflects the main idea, which will help in maintaining a coherent flow throughout the essay.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the topic. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced in terms of length and depth. The first body paragraph is longer and contains multiple ideas, while the second paragraph is shorter and less developed. This imbalance can disrupt the flow and make it harder for the reader to follow the argument.
    • How to improve: Aim for balanced paragraphs by ensuring that each one explores its main idea in sufficient detail. For instance, the second body paragraph could include more examples or elaboration on how hobbies can lead to job opportunities, similar to the first paragraph’s depth. Additionally, consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones if they contain multiple ideas, which will enhance readability.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "meanwhile," "on the other hand," and "hence." However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be clearer. For example, the phrase "In order to reduce the amount of negative emotions" could be better connected to the previous sentence to clarify the cause-and-effect relationship.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "furthermore," "consequently," or "in contrast" to enhance the connections between ideas. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to clarify relationships between sentences. For example, revising sentences to explicitly show how one idea leads to another can strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph balance, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "vital," "leisure interests," and "rapid development." However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation in word choice, particularly with phrases like "working" and "hobbies." For example, the phrase "spend almost their time working" could be enhanced by using synonyms or varying the structure to avoid redundancy.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "working," alternatives like "employment," "professional duties," or "career commitments" could be employed. Additionally, using more descriptive adjectives or adverbs can enrich the text, such as "intense work schedules" instead of just "working days and nights."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, "seriously stressed or depression" should be "serious stress or depression," as "stressed" is an adjective and does not fit the context. The phrase "the one who is keen on travelling and historical knowledge" could be more clearly expressed as "someone passionate about travel and history."
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on the context in which words are used. Reviewing the grammatical role of words (nouns, verbs, adjectives) can help avoid errors. Additionally, using collocations (words that commonly go together) can enhance clarity, such as "suffer from stress" instead of "suffer from stress when working."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from its overall quality. For instance, "peopel" should be "people," "nowsaday" should be "nowadays," and "critizens" should be "citizens." These errors can disrupt the reader’s understanding and detract from the writer’s credibility.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement proofreading strategies, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and maintaining a personal list of frequently encountered spelling errors can be beneficial. Regular writing practice, along with feedback on spelling, can also help improve this aspect.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of lexical resource, there are clear areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can enhance their overall performance in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, with few complex sentences that would show a higher level of grammatical sophistication. For example, phrases like "people consider that work is the vital thing in their whole life" and "some critizens prefer enjoying their hobbies to working" reflect a basic structure. There is an attempt to use conjunctions, but the overall variety is insufficient for a higher band score.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences. This can be achieved by using relative clauses, conditional sentences, and varied sentence beginnings. For instance, instead of saying "people consider that work is the vital thing," the writer could say, "While many people consider work to be the most vital aspect of life, others prioritize their hobbies." This not only introduces complexity but also improves coherence.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, "peopel" is a spelling error, and "nowsaday" should be "nowadays." Additionally, phrases like "spend almost their time working" are awkward and grammatically incorrect; it would be more appropriate to say "spend most of their time working." Furthermore, punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect conjunction usage, detract from the overall clarity of the writing. For example, "Therefore, they forget to spend time for hobbies and leisure interests then it could lead to seriously stressed or depression" is confusing and contains run-on elements.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors before submission. Utilizing grammar-checking tools can help identify mistakes. Additionally, practicing sentence structure and punctuation rules will aid in creating clearer sentences. For example, breaking long sentences into shorter, clearer ones can enhance readability. The writer should also ensure that each clause is properly connected and punctuated, such as using a semicolon or conjunction appropriately to avoid run-on sentences.

In summary, to achieve a higher band score, the writer should work on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy and punctuation. Regular practice and revision will be key to making these improvements.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s modern society, some people consider work to be the most vital aspect of their lives and devote almost all their time to it. Meanwhile, another group of people values their personal hobbies and interests more than anything else, including their jobs. From my perspective, both these attitudes will be discussed in this essay.

Firstly, people nowadays are keen on working day and night because of the rapid development of cities and high living costs. Therefore, they forget to allocate time for hobbies and leisure activities, which could lead to serious stress or depression. In order to reduce the amount of negative emotions that arise from long periods of working, each individual should schedule leisure time for themselves and spend it on hobbies and interests.

On the other hand, some citizens prefer enjoying their hobbies to working. They are believed to have a relaxed and enjoyable life as they do not experience stress while working. Additionally, hobbies sometimes can become jobs that help them earn a living. For instance, someone who is keen on traveling and historical knowledge can become a tour guide, or a person whose blog attracts many views can become a blogger. However, some jobs that start from hobbies may not be permanent and can only be available in the short term due to the instability of modern society.

Hence, to sum up, both these attitudes have their pros and cons. From my perspective, each individual should balance their work life and enjoyment in order to recover energy after long periods of working.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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