Some people rely too much on doctors instead of taking care of their own health. They think all health problems can just be ‘fixed’ by visiting doctors.
What problems could this approach to healthcare cause and how might they be solved?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
In the contemporary world, as people improve their living standards, physical health as well as mental health is paid more attention. Normally, when they have health problems in general, they often go to the hospital to have an appointment with a doctor. According to the current situation, many people depend too much on doctors instead of taking care of themselves. While this could lead to several issues, some feasible solutions can be taken into account to tackle them.
As can be seen, the first problem will originate from each person individually. People will not have detailed planning for their diet and exercise to enhace well-being. Nowadays, both adults and children consume fast food and sugar-based beverages. That is not good for your health and leads to many diseases. The next problem is that medical care centers will be overloaded. Many doctors will have to be on duty day and night to treat patients, making it difficult for them.
When they rely on doctors too much or abuse too much medicine, they are more likely to get sick because they are not able to take good care of themselves. Therefore, governments should promote healthy living. This can be done by providing clear guidelines on food so that people are educated about what they are eating. Regular exercise can also be encouraged through government-subsidised gyms and the creation of walking or cycling areas for all. Furthermore, the potential probem with an overburdened healthcare system can be mitigated by making patients pay for treatment if they have contributed to the disease, such as smoking-related illnesses. As a result, the healthcare system may witness improved efficiency and a better allocation of resources to individuals who genuinely need medical attention.
In conclusion, while many people believe that doctors can cure all diseases, this perspective can pose challenges for both individuals and the healthcare system. To tackle those issues, people should be encouraged to eat well, exercise frequently, and take more responsibility for their personal treatment to prevent irreversible illnesses and overburdening healthcare professionals.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"enhace" -> "enhance"
Explanation: The original word "enhace" is a misspelling of "enhance." Correcting this improves the accuracy and formality of the sentence.
"fast food and sugar-based beverages" -> "processed foods and sugary beverages"
Explanation: Using the term "processed foods" instead of "fast food" provides a more encompassing and precise description. Additionally, replacing "sugar-based beverages" with "sugary beverages" maintains clarity and formality.
"probem" -> "problem"
Explanation: The original word "probem" is a typographical error. Correcting it to "problem" ensures accuracy and readability.
"As can be seen" -> "Evidently"
Explanation: The phrase "As can be seen" is a bit informal. Replacing it with "Evidently" maintains the flow while adding a touch of formality.
"many people depend too much on doctors" -> "many individuals overly rely on medical professionals"
Explanation: The phrase "depend too much on doctors" is somewhat informal. The suggested alternative, "overly rely on medical professionals," conveys a similar meaning in a more formal manner.
"because they are not able to take good care of themselves" -> "as they may struggle to adequately care for themselves"
Explanation: The original phrase is a bit colloquial. The suggested alternative maintains clarity while adopting a more formal tone.
"This can be done by providing clear guidelines on food" -> "This can be achieved by offering explicit dietary guidelines"
Explanation: The suggested alternative employs more formal and precise language, enhancing the overall tone of the sentence.
"government-subsidised gyms" -> "government-funded fitness centers"
Explanation: The term "government-subsidised gyms" is clear but replacing it with "government-funded fitness centers" adds a touch of formality and specificity.
"walking or cycling areas for all" -> "pedestrian zones or cycling paths accessible to everyone"
Explanation: The suggested alternative is more detailed and formal, providing a clearer description of the proposed areas.
"potential probem with an overburdened healthcare system" -> "potential issue associated with an overburdened healthcare system"
Explanation: The term "probem" is a typo, and replacing it with "issue" contributes to the overall correctness and formality of the sentence.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It discusses the problems arising from excessive reliance on doctors and proposes solutions. Relevant examples and reasons are provided to support the points made.
- How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, consider providing more specific examples or details to further illustrate the potential issues and solutions.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout, expressing concern about the overreliance on doctors and offering solutions to address the issue.
- How to improve: Continue to reinforce the chosen stance by reiterating key points and maintaining a focused discussion on the identified problems and solutions.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, but some instances lack elaboration. For example, when discussing the negative impact of unhealthy lifestyles, more specific details and examples could be incorporated to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: Elaborate further on each idea by providing concrete examples, relevant statistics, or personal anecdotes to enhance the depth and persuasiveness of the arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but has minor deviations, such as the brief mention of medical care centers being overloaded. While relevant, this point could be more seamlessly integrated into the overall discussion.
- How to improve: Ensure that all points contribute directly to the main argument. If introducing additional elements, connect them more explicitly to the overarching theme of overreliance on doctors.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses the key elements. To improve, consider providing more detailed examples, consistently reinforcing the chosen stance, elaborating on ideas for greater impact, and ensuring that all points directly contribute to the central argument. This will enhance the overall coherence and persuasiveness of the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction sets the stage by addressing the issue, the body paragraphs discuss problems and solutions, and the conclusion summarizes the main points. However, within paragraphs, there are instances of less effective organization, leading to minor coherence issues.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure that each paragraph follows a clear structure – a topic sentence introducing the main idea, supporting details, and a concluding sentence. Additionally, maintain a logical progression of ideas from one paragraph to the next for smoother transitions.
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, but some paragraphs are overly long, making the text dense and potentially confusing. The lack of clear breaks in lengthy paragraphs affects the essay’s readability.
- How to improve: Aim for more concise paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. Break long paragraphs into shorter ones, ensuring that each paragraph addresses a single main point. This will make the essay more reader-friendly and improve overall organization.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "Furthermore," "In conclusion"). However, there’s room for improvement in the seamless integration of these devices to strengthen the connection between sentences and ideas.
- How to improve: Work on using cohesive devices more strategically. Use them not only to signal transitions but also to highlight relationships between ideas. For instance, employ pronouns and synonyms to reference previously mentioned concepts, creating a smoother and more connected narrative.
In summary, the essay displays a solid coherence and cohesion level, earning a Band Score of 7. To improve, focus on refining paragraph structure, ensuring concise and well-organized ideas. Additionally, enhance the use of cohesive devices for a more seamless flow between sentences and paragraphs.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is some variety in the use of words, there is room for improvement in incorporating more nuanced and sophisticated vocabulary. For instance, words like "well-being" and "overloaded" contribute positively, but more diversity could enhance the lexical richness.
- How to improve: To enhance the score in this aspect, consider incorporating more precise and varied vocabulary. For example, instead of using common phrases like "not good for your health," opt for alternatives like "detrimental to one’s health" or "adverse health effects."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is generally adequate, but there are instances where more precise terms could be employed. For instance, phrases like "detailed planning for their diet" could benefit from a more specific description, such as "meticulous dietary planning" to convey a clearer meaning.
- How to improve: Aim for greater specificity in word choice. Instead of general terms, explore more precise vocabulary options to convey ideas more accurately. For instance, consider using terms like "strategic nutritional planning" to add precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of minor spelling errors, such as "enhace" instead of "enhance" and "probem" instead of "problem."
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully. Additionally, consider utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools to catch and correct minor errors. Developing a habit of reviewing written work can contribute significantly to avoiding spelling mistakes.
Overall, the essay exhibits a reasonable command of vocabulary and spelling. To enhance lexical resource, focus on incorporating a more diverse range of vocabulary, increasing precision in word choice, and maintaining consistent attention to spelling accuracy.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is room for improvement in sentence complexity and variety. For instance, there is a tendency to start sentences with the same structure, such as "When they rely on doctors too much or abuse too much medicine…" The essay could benefit from incorporating more complex structures, such as compound-complex sentences or varied introductory phrases.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, try integrating a mix of sentence structures. Utilize complex sentences, employ diverse sentence openings, and experiment with different syntactic constructions. For instance, instead of consistently using "When," consider employing alternative introductory phrases like "In instances where" or "If individuals."
Use Grammar Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays generally accurate grammar, with few noticeable errors. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement is not consistently maintained, as seen in "Many doctors will have to be on duty day and night to treat patients, making it difficult for them." Here, the plural subject "doctors" should agree with the plural verb "make."
- How to improve: Pay meticulous attention to subject-verb agreement to ensure grammatical accuracy. Proofread the essay carefully, focusing on consistency in verb forms, especially when dealing with plural subjects. For example, revise the mentioned sentence to "Many doctors will have to be on duty day and night to treat patients, making it difficult for them."
Use Correct Punctuation:
- Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally accurate, but there are instances of comma splices and awkward punctuation placement. For example, "In conclusion, while many people believe that doctors can cure all diseases, this perspective can pose challenges…" The comma after "conclusion" is unnecessary and disrupts the flow of the sentence.
- How to improve: Refine punctuation skills by avoiding comma splices and ensuring proper punctuation placement. In this case, the sentence can be improved by removing the comma after "conclusion": "In conclusion while many people believe that doctors can cure all diseases, this perspective can pose challenges…"
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and a reasonable range of structures. By incorporating more varied sentence structures and refining subject-verb agreement and punctuation usage, the essay could achieve an even higher score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.
Bài sửa mẫu
In the modern era, with an upswing in living standards, there’s increased emphasis on both physical and mental health. Often, when faced with health issues, individuals tend to seek recourse by scheduling appointments with doctors. Presently, a prevalent trend is the excessive reliance on medical professionals rather than self-care. While this inclination can lead to various problems, viable solutions exist to address these concerns.
Primarily, this reliance poses an individual-level issue. People often lack meticulous planning regarding their diet and physical activity, thereby compromising their well-being. The widespread consumption of fast food and sugary beverages among both adults and children adversely impacts health, contributing to numerous ailments. Additionally, an upsurge in patient visits can overwhelm medical facilities, straining doctors who must remain available around the clock to attend to patients.
Over-reliance on doctors or excessive medication intake can result in increased susceptibility to illness due to inadequate self-care. Consequently, governmental intervention is imperative to foster healthier lifestyles. Offering explicit dietary guidelines can enlighten people about their dietary choices. Encouraging regular exercise could be achieved through government-sponsored fitness centers and the establishment of pedestrian zones or cycling paths accessible to everyone. Moreover, alleviating the burden on the healthcare system might involve making patients responsible for treatment costs if their ailments stem from personal choices, like illnesses linked to smoking.
To conclude, the belief that doctors hold the remedy for all ailments presents challenges for individuals and healthcare systems alike. Encouraging healthier eating habits, regular exercise, and promoting personal responsibility in treatment can prevent severe illnesses and alleviate the strain on healthcare professionals, leading to improved efficiency and resource allocation within the healthcare sector.