Some people rely too much on doctors instead of taking care of their own health. They think all health problems can just be ‘fixed’ by visiting doctors.
What problems could this approach to healthcare cause and how might they be solved?
In the modern world, some people rely too much on therapy from doctors instead of taking care of their health. In my opinion, there are two main problems, the overwork of doctors and drug overdose, which can be solved by providing a healthier lifestyle and raising citizens' awareness of health care.
To begin with, more and more people going to hospital for treatment may increase the doctors' work. Therefore, the doctors have to work tirelessly, which may lead to overstretched and exhausted. Thus, some doctors may spend more time on more profitable tasks that are often not urgent illnesses, while some hospitals may not require adequate doctors or make some mistakes in healing patients. As a result, the rate of patient recovery may decrease. Besides, some health problems, such as minor injuries, can be naturally cured by the human immune system, whereas using remedies for a long time may lessen people's health, especially antibodies. Additionally, the price of medicine and medics' advice are expensive. Because of that, receiving treatment from the general practitioner has many disadvantages.
However, there are some solutions to these problems. Firstly, people should have a healthy lifestyle, such as balanced diets or outdoor activities. They can improve their health and reduce the chance of health issues, for instance, obesity, high blood pressure, or diabetes. Secondly, the government should encourage and educate people to protect their health. In charge of promoting and teaching health care, the government can influence it through the Internet, for example, social platforms, breaking news, or gadgets.
In conclusion, there are two main negative impacts if people depend heavily on doctors, which are the overwork of doctors and drug overdose. However, maintaining healthy habits and raising citizens' awareness of looking after their health can fix those problems.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"some people rely too much on therapy from doctors" -> "some individuals excessively depend on medical interventions from healthcare professionals"
Explanation: Replacing "therapy from doctors" with "medical interventions from healthcare professionals" adds formality and precision to the expression, aligning it more closely with academic style.
"there are two main problems, the overwork of doctors and drug overdose" -> "two primary issues include the excessive workload on healthcare professionals and the risk of drug overdose"
Explanation: The revised phrase enhances clarity and formality by specifying the problems as "excessive workload on healthcare professionals" and "risk of drug overdose."
"more and more people going to hospital for treatment" -> "an increasing number of individuals seeking medical treatment at hospitals"
Explanation: The modification introduces a more formal tone by using "individuals" instead of "people" and by rephrasing the sentence for better flow.
"may lead to overstretched and exhausted" -> "may result in overextension and fatigue"
Explanation: Substituting "overstretched and exhausted" with "overextension and fatigue" maintains the meaning while introducing more sophisticated and concise language.
"more profitable tasks that are often not urgent illnesses" -> "more lucrative endeavors that are frequently unrelated to urgent medical conditions"
Explanation: The replacement adds specificity and formality, clarifying that doctors may prioritize tasks that are financially rewarding but not necessarily related to urgent medical needs.
"adequate doctors or make some mistakes in healing patients" -> "sufficient medical professionals or commit errors in patient treatment"
Explanation: This alteration enhances formality and precision by using "medical professionals" instead of "doctors" and by specifying "commit errors in patient treatment" instead of the general "make some mistakes in healing patients."
"Besides, some health problems, such as minor injuries" -> "Moreover, certain health issues, such as minor injuries"
Explanation: The suggested change improves coherence and formality, introducing a transition word and specifying "certain health issues" instead of the more general "some health problems."
"can be naturally cured by the human immune system, whereas using remedies for a long time" -> "can be naturally resolved by the human immune system, while prolonged use of remedies"
Explanation: The revision improves precision and flow by replacing "cured" with "resolved" and rephrasing the latter part for clarity.
"medics’ advice are expensive" -> "medical advice is costly"
Explanation: The change corrects the subject-verb agreement and employs a more concise expression, aligning with formal language standards.
"In charge of promoting and teaching health care" -> "Tasked with promoting and educating on healthcare"
Explanation: The alternative phrase is more formal and succinct, adhering to academic style while conveying the same meaning.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Quoted text: "In my opinion, there are two main problems, the overwork of doctors and drug overdose, which can be solved by providing a healthier lifestyle and raising citizens’ awareness of health care."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction of the essay establishes the problems caused by reliance on doctors but lacks clarity on how these problems specifically relate to healthcare. Expanding on this by directly linking the problems to healthcare challenges would enhance the coherence and relevance of your argument. For instance, connecting the overwork of doctors to delayed patient care or medical errors due to exhaustion would fortify your argument.
- Improved example: "In my opinion, there are two critical healthcare challenges stemming from excessive dependence on doctors: the overwork of medical professionals leading to delayed or compromised patient care, and the risk of drug overdose due to unnecessary prescriptions. Addressing these issues necessitates a shift towards healthier lifestyle choices and heightened awareness of individual healthcare responsibilities."
Quoted text: "Therefore, the doctors have to work tirelessly, which may lead to overstretched and exhausted."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While discussing the impact of excessive reliance on doctors, it’s crucial to elaborate on how their overwork directly affects the quality of healthcare services. Provide specific examples or scenarios where this overwork results in compromised patient care or delayed treatment, reinforcing the significance of this issue within the healthcare system.
- Improved example: "Consequently, doctors often find themselves tirelessly attending to numerous patients, resulting in an overwhelmed healthcare system. This strain on medical professionals may inadvertently lead to rushed diagnoses, delayed treatment, or medical errors, ultimately compromising the quality of healthcare services."
Quoted text: "As a result, the rate of patient recovery may decrease."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: This point lacks sufficient elaboration on how the decrease in the rate of patient recovery is directly tied to the reliance on doctors. Expanding upon this by providing examples or scenarios where patient recovery might be hindered due to overreliance on medication or delayed medical attention would strengthen your argument.
- Improved example: "Consequently, the undue reliance on medication or delayed medical attention, stemming from the persistent dependency on doctors, may significantly impede the rate of patient recovery. For instance, a delay in diagnosing or addressing minor health issues might exacerbate into severe conditions, hindering swift and effective recovery for patients."
Overall, the essay offers some valid points regarding the problems caused by excessive reliance on doctors, but it requires a deeper connection between these problems and their direct impact on healthcare. Providing more specific examples and explanations would significantly strengthen the argument and coherence of the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7
The essay demonstrates a reasonably clear progression of ideas with a logical organization throughout. Each paragraph addresses distinct aspects related to the problems caused by overreliance on doctors and potential solutions. The introduction sets the stage by mentioning the two main problems—overworking doctors and drug overdose—while the subsequent body paragraphs discuss these issues coherently. There is an attempt to use cohesive devices, though some minor instances of overuse or underuse are noticeable. Each paragraph has a clear central topic related to the prompt.
The essay uses transitional phrases to guide the reader through the ideas presented, offering a structured flow of information. However, the essay could benefit from slightly more varied sentence structures and cohesive devices to further enhance coherence and cohesion.
How to improve:
- Enhance Cohesive Devices: Try using a wider range of cohesive devices like pronouns, transition words, and conjunctions to strengthen the connections between sentences and paragraphs.
- Varied Sentence Structure: Incorporate more diverse sentence structures to maintain reader engagement and enhance coherence.
- Paragraph Structure: Ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear central focus related to the topic.
Overall, the essay is well-organized and logically structured, but minor improvements in the use of cohesive devices and sentence structures could further enhance its coherence and cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for some flexibility and precision. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items, and the writer shows some awareness of style and collocation. However, there are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation that slightly impact the overall lexical resource.
The writer effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear argument. The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, with attempts to incorporate a range of terms related to healthcare and lifestyle. Some expressions like "overstretched and exhausted" and "naturally cured by the human immune system" show a good command of language. However, there are instances of minor inaccuracies, such as "remedies for a long time may lessen people’s health" and "medics’ advice," which could be refined for more precise language use.
How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource and move towards a higher band score, the writer should focus on refining the accuracy of word choice, collocation, and spelling. Proofreading the essay for minor errors and considering alternative, more sophisticated vocabulary choices where applicable will contribute to a smoother and more precise expression of ideas. Additionally, ensuring consistency in terms of formality and appropriateness of expressions will further elevate the lexical quality of the essay.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a good use of a variety of complex sentence structures, contributing to the fulfillment of the Band 7 criteria. The writer attempts to incorporate a range of sentence forms and displays an understanding of grammar and punctuation, contributing to effective communication. While there are some errors and awkward phrasing, they do not significantly impede the overall understanding of the essay. There is an effort to present ideas with clarity and coherence, and the writer shows control over grammar and punctuation, though a few errors are present.
How to improve:
To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy further, the writer should focus on refining sentence structures and ensuring more consistent accuracy. Attention to minor errors and awkward phrasing will contribute to a smoother flow of ideas. Additionally, expanding the range of vocabulary and incorporating more nuanced expressions could elevate the essay to a higher band score. It’s advisable to review and proofread for clarity, precision, and correctness in grammar and punctuation to achieve a more polished piece.
Bài sửa mẫu
In today’s world, some individuals excessively depend on medical intervention rather than taking personal responsibility for their well-being. In my view, this approach poses two significant issues: the strain on healthcare professionals and the risk of medication misuse. These challenges can be addressed by promoting healthier lifestyles and enhancing public awareness of healthcare.
To start with, the growing number of individuals seeking medical attention can overwhelm doctors, leading to exhaustion and overextension of their duties. This might divert doctors from urgent cases to more lucrative but less critical tasks, potentially impacting patient recovery rates. Additionally, certain health issues, like minor injuries, can be naturally resolved by the body’s immune system, while prolonged use of medications may compromise overall health, particularly antibodies. Moreover, the high cost of medicine and medical advice makes relying solely on healthcare professionals economically disadvantageous.
Nevertheless, viable solutions exist to mitigate these problems. Firstly, individuals should adopt healthier lifestyles, incorporating balanced diets and outdoor activities. Such practices can enhance overall well-being, reducing the likelihood of health issues such as obesity, high blood pressure, or diabetes. Secondly, governmental initiatives are crucial in promoting and educating citizens about personal health. Utilizing online platforms like social media, news outlets, and digital devices, the government can effectively disseminate information and encourage healthier living.
In conclusion, depending excessively on doctors can lead to the overwork of healthcare professionals and the risk of medication-related issues. However, embracing healthier habits and elevating public awareness of self-care can effectively address these challenges.