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Some people say that devoting one’s time to family activities is more important than spending time working. Others believe that dedicating one’s time to work is more important. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people say that devoting one's time to family activities is more important than spending time working. Others believe that dedicating one's time to work is more important. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

People have different points of view on how to balance their time between work and family. While some agree that dedicating time to family activities is paramount, others advocate for the importance of prioritizing working. In this essay, I will discuss both sides of the argument and give my own opinion.
Those who prefer work value its significance in ensuring the financial stability and well-being of the family. It is argued that financial security provides a comfortable lifestyle, enabling families to meet their basic needs and essentials, such as education, healthcare, and leisure activities. For example, parents who miss out on their children's events are not neglectful, but they are making sacrifices for the sake of the family's future.
On the other hand, while financial security is undoubtedly crucial, it is essential to spend more time with family. This is due to the fact that the love, support, and shared experiences within a family are precious treasures that no amount of money can buy. Spending time with family is a moment to appreciate and relax, in contrast to the stressful and demanding time at work. As an example, a survey showed that 85% of the participants said they enjoyed their time with their family, while 60% experienced stress at their jobs.
In conclusion, the debate between prioritizing work and family is complicated, with valid arguments on both sides. I personally believe that family activities are more vital than working. Therefore, we should prioritize family over our occupations and find a balance that suits the situation.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "While some agree that dedicating time to family activities is paramount…" -> "While some hold the view that allocating time to family activities is paramount…"
    Explanation: Replacing "agree" with "hold the view" enhances formality and precision. Using "hold the view" expresses the concept in a more nuanced and academically appropriate manner.

  2. "advocate for the importance of prioritizing working" -> "advocate for the importance of prioritizing work"
    Explanation: Simplifying "working" to "work" maintains clarity and conciseness. It adheres more closely to the academic convention of using the noun form in this context.

  3. "It is argued that financial security provides a comfortable lifestyle…" -> "Advocates argue that financial security fosters a comfortable lifestyle…"
    Explanation: Replacing "It is argued that" with "Advocates argue that" makes the sentence more active and direct. "Fosters" enhances the sophistication of the language while maintaining clarity.

  4. "parents who miss out on their children’s events are not neglectful" -> "parents who are unable to attend their children’s events are not neglectful"
    Explanation: Adding "are unable to attend" clarifies the situation without diminishing the significance of the parents’ absence, making the sentence more precise.

  5. "while financial security is undoubtedly crucial" -> "while financial security is undeniably crucial"
    Explanation: Replacing "undoubtedly" with "undeniably" maintains emphasis on the importance of financial security but in a more formal and assertive manner.

  6. "it is essential to spend more time with family" -> "it is imperative to allocate more time to family"
    Explanation: Replacing "essential" with "imperative" emphasizes the necessity more authoritatively. "Allocate" adds precision regarding the distribution of time.

  7. "This is due to the fact that the love, support, and shared experiences within a family are precious treasures that no amount of money can buy." -> "This stems from the belief that familial love, support, and shared experiences are invaluable, beyond monetary value."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence and using "stems from the belief that" presents the idea more academically, avoiding colloquial expressions like "precious treasures."

  8. "Spending time with family is a moment to appreciate and relax…" -> "Allocating time for family facilitates appreciation and relaxation…"
    Explanation: Rephrasing the sentence with "allocating time for family" elevates the formality, and "facilitates" emphasizes how it enables appreciation and relaxation.

  9. "a survey showed that 85% of the participants said they enjoyed their time with their family" -> "an survey revealed that 85% of participants expressed enjoyment in their family time"
    Explanation: Changing "showed" to "revealed" adds formality, and restructuring the sentence for clarity provides a more direct and precise statement.

  10. "I personally believe that family activities are more vital than working." -> "I firmly believe that prioritizing family activities over work is crucial."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains the author’s stance but presents it more assertively and formally, emphasizing the importance of family activities.

Overall, these adjustments aim to refine the language for academic purposes, enhancing precision, formality, and clarity while maintaining the original meaning and flow of the essay.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "While some agree that dedicating time to family activities is paramount, others advocate for the importance of prioritizing working."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction provides a clear indication of the essay’s intention to discuss both views and present the writer’s opinion. However, to enhance clarity, consider briefly outlining the key points that will be elaborated in the subsequent paragraphs. This will guide the reader and provide a roadmap for your essay.
    • Improved example: "While some argue that prioritizing family activities is paramount, others advocate for the significance of prioritizing work. In this essay, I will delve into the reasons behind both perspectives and present my own stance on this matter."
  2. Quoted text: "For example, parents who miss out on their children’s events are not neglectful, but they are making sacrifices for the sake of the family’s future."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The example provided is relevant and supports the argument; however, it lacks specificity. To strengthen your point, consider offering a more detailed and personal example, drawing from either personal experience or a hypothetical scenario. This will add depth to your argument and make it more compelling.
    • Improved example: "For instance, parents who sacrifice attending their children’s school performances or sports events due to work commitments are making a conscious choice to secure the family’s financial future. In my own family, my parents often missed my school events to ensure we had access to quality education and extracurricular activities."
  3. Quoted text: "Spending time with family is a moment to appreciate and relax, in contrast to the stressful and demanding time at work. As an example, a survey showed that 85% of the participants said they enjoyed their time with their family, while 60% experienced stress at their jobs."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The idea is valid, but the transition between discussing the value of family time and introducing the survey results feels abrupt. To improve coherence, consider integrating the example more smoothly into the preceding argument. Additionally, providing more context about the survey, such as its source or methodology, would enhance the credibility of the evidence.
    • Improved example: "Moreover, spending time with family not only offers moments of relaxation but also strengthens familial bonds. Consider a survey conducted by [source], where 85% of participants expressed joy in their family time. This starkly contrasts with the 60% who reported experiencing stress in their workplaces, highlighting the rejuvenating impact of family moments."
  4. Quoted text: "Therefore, we should prioritize family over our occupations and find a balance that suits the situation."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The conclusion effectively restates the writer’s opinion; however, it could be strengthened by summarizing the main reasons supporting this perspective. Additionally, consider proposing a practical suggestion or action that individuals can take to strike a better balance between work and family life.
    • Improved example: "In conclusion, prioritizing family over occupations is crucial for a fulfilling life. By valuing and allocating time for family activities, individuals not only contribute to a harmonious family life but also nurture their own well-being. One practical step towards achieving this balance is to establish designated family time slots, ensuring that work commitments do not encroach upon these precious moments."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents well-developed arguments. Improvements in structuring and refining examples could further elevate the coherence and persuasiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas, providing a clear progression throughout. The introduction sets the stage by outlining the essay’s purpose, and the body paragraphs present contrasting views with adequate support. The use of cohesive devices is generally appropriate, contributing to the overall coherence. The essay effectively utilizes paragraphing, presenting a clear central topic within each paragraph.

However, there is room for improvement. While the essay logically organizes information, there are instances of slight underuse and overuse of cohesive devices. Some sentences could benefit from stronger connections to enhance the overall flow. Additionally, there is a slight imbalance in paragraphing, as the second body paragraph is longer than the others.

How to improve:
To enhance coherence, ensure a more consistent use of cohesive devices throughout the essay. Pay attention to sentence-level transitions to create a smoother flow between ideas. Consider refining the balance of paragraph lengths for a more even presentation. Overall, maintaining a cohesive narrative and refining the use of transitions will further elevate the coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, allowing for some flexibility and precision in expressing ideas related to work-life balance. It effectively uses less common lexical items and showcases an awareness of style and collocation. The essay presents arguments coherently, employing vocabulary relevant to the topic. There are occasional errors in word choice and sentence structures, but they don’t significantly detract from the overall communication.

How to improve: To reach a higher band score, focus on enhancing the variety of vocabulary by incorporating more sophisticated and nuanced terms. Aim for greater precision in word choice and sentence structures to minimize the occasional errors. Additionally, ensure a consistent flow of ideas throughout the essay for improved coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation with a variety of complex structures. There are frequent error-free sentences, and the control of grammar is generally sound. The writer successfully conveys ideas with clarity and coherence. However, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as in the phrase "financial security provides a comfortable lifestyle, enabling families to meet their basic needs and essentials," where a more parallel structure could enhance precision.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy further, ensure consistent parallel structure, especially in complex sentences. For instance, the construction "financial security provides a comfortable lifestyle, enabling families to meet their basic needs and essentials" could be refined for more grammatical precision: "financial security not only ensures a comfortable lifestyle but also enables families to meet their basic needs and essentials." Additionally, proofreading for minor errors like this can contribute to an even more polished presentation.

Bài sửa mẫu

People hold diverse perspectives on how to manage their time between work and family. While some assert that devoting time to family activities is crucial, others advocate for prioritizing work. In this essay, I will explore both stances and present my own viewpoint.

Those who emphasize the importance of work highlight its role in ensuring the financial stability and well-being of the family. It is argued that financial security contributes to a comfortable lifestyle, enabling families to meet basic needs such as education, healthcare, and leisure activities. For instance, parents who miss their children’s events are not neglectful; rather, they are making sacrifices for the family’s future.

On the contrary, while financial security is undoubtedly vital, spending quality time with family is equally essential. This is because the love, support, and shared experiences within a family are invaluable treasures that money cannot buy. Family time offers moments of appreciation and relaxation, providing a contrast to the stress and demands of the workplace. For example, a survey revealed that 85% of participants enjoyed their time with their family, while 60% experienced stress at their jobs.

In conclusion, the debate between prioritizing work and family is intricate, with valid arguments on both sides. Personally, I believe that family activities are more crucial than working. Therefore, we should prioritize family over our occupations and find a balance that suits the situation.

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