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Some people say that economic growth is the only way to end world poverty and hunger. Others say that economic growth is damaging the environment and should stop. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people say that economic growth is the only way to end world poverty and hunger. Others say that economic growth is damaging the environment and should stop. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Since the beginning of the twenty-first century, one serious issue in many countries is childhood obesity. From my perspective, unhealthy eating diet is the main reason that has led to this trend, and it brings a number of health problems for children. However, it is possible to discontinue it by several solutions.

There are several reasons for the obesity in younger people. Firstly, there is a problem in their eating habits. Research has revealed that the proportion of fast food in youngsters' diet is increasing over the years. Children now are likely to eat junk food because the advertisements of these food are more catching than others. It is true that there are hundreds of successful fast food marketing strategies, while the organic and fresh food does not be advertised well. Moreover, the lack of knowledge about food may be another reason. It is undeniable that lessons about food or how to built a balance diet are not involved in education curriculum at school, especially primary school.

It is essential to recognize that childhood obesity results in numerous health problem. Research has found that an overweight child is more likely to deal with health diseases than other children. Additionally, a pressure can be put in medical services when the number of patients suffering for obesity increases. However, there are still a number of solution to avoid this negative trend. Firstly, government should add more lessons about food and diet in schools' curriculum in order to raise awareness about eating habits among students. Secondly, parents need to pay more time for taking care of their kids and help them to build up a healthy lifestyle by encouraging children to do exercises regularly.

Last but not least, the increase in children suffering from obesity is a serious problem in many countries, since the eating habits of younger people are unhealthy and it has delivered many negative impacts. However, this trend can be prevented by the changes in education.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "unhealthy eating diet" -> "unhealthy dietary habits"
    Explanation: "Unhealthy dietary habits" is a more precise and formal term that accurately describes the patterns of eating that contribute to poor health, rather than the vague and less formal "unhealthy eating diet."

  2. "it is possible to discontinue it" -> "it is possible to mitigate it"
    Explanation: "Mitigate" is a more precise term that suggests reducing or alleviating the severity of a problem, which is more appropriate in an academic context than "discontinue," which implies complete elimination, which is not feasible in this context.

  3. "in younger people" -> "among younger individuals"
    Explanation: "Among younger individuals" is more formal and precise than "in younger people," which is somewhat colloquial and vague.

  4. "the proportion of fast food in youngsters’ diet" -> "the prevalence of fast food in the diets of young people"
    Explanation: "Prevalence" is a more academic term than "proportion," and "the diets of young people" is more formal than "youngsters’ diet."

  5. "the advertisements of these food" -> "the advertisements for these foods"
    Explanation: "For" is the correct preposition to use with "advertisements" when referring to the purpose or object of the advertisements, whereas "of" is incorrect in this context.

  6. "does not be advertised well" -> "are not effectively advertised"
    Explanation: "Are not effectively advertised" is grammatically correct and more formal than "does not be advertised well," which is awkward and incorrect.

  7. "how to built a balance diet" -> "how to maintain a balanced diet"
    Explanation: "Maintain a balanced diet" is the correct phrase, whereas "built a balance diet" is grammatically incorrect and unclear.

  8. "a pressure can be put in medical services" -> "a strain can be placed on medical services"
    Explanation: "A strain can be placed on" is a more precise and formal way to express the impact on medical services, whereas "a pressure can be put in" is awkward and incorrect.

  9. "suffering for obesity" -> "suffering from obesity"
    Explanation: "From" is the correct preposition to use when describing the cause of a condition, whereas "for" is incorrect in this context.

  10. "there are still a number of solution" -> "there are still several solutions"
    Explanation: "Several solutions" is grammatically correct and more formal than "a number of solution," which is grammatically incorrect.

  11. "pay more time for taking care of their kids" -> "spend more time caring for their children"
    Explanation: "Spend more time caring for their children" is more formal and grammatically correct than "pay more time for taking care of their kids," which is informal and awkward.

  12. "help them to build up a healthy lifestyle" -> "encourage them to adopt a healthy lifestyle"
    Explanation: "Encourage them to adopt a healthy lifestyle" is more precise and formal than "help them to build up a healthy lifestyle," which is less direct and less formal.

These changes enhance the academic tone and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with formal writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 2

Band Score for Task Response: 2

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay fails to address the prompt, which asks for a discussion of two views regarding economic growth and its impact on poverty, hunger, and the environment. Instead, the essay discusses childhood obesity, which is entirely off-topic. There is no mention of economic growth, poverty, or environmental concerns, which are the core elements of the prompt.
    • How to improve: To improve, the writer should carefully read the prompt and ensure that all parts are addressed. This includes discussing both perspectives on economic growth and providing a personal opinion. A structured approach, such as outlining key points related to each view before writing, can help maintain focus on the prompt.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does not present a clear position regarding the topic of economic growth, as it does not engage with the prompt at all. Instead, it discusses childhood obesity, which detracts from any potential clarity or consistency in position. The lack of a relevant thesis statement further contributes to the confusion.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their opinion on the issue presented in the prompt. This could be done in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion. Additionally, using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help clarify the stance taken on each view discussed.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to childhood obesity but does not extend or support them in the context of the prompt. There are no references to economic growth or its effects on poverty and hunger, which are crucial for a comprehensive discussion. The arguments made about obesity are not relevant to the task at hand.
    • How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should focus on the specific views outlined in the prompt. Each view should be presented clearly, followed by supporting evidence or examples. This could include statistics, real-world examples, or expert opinions related to economic growth and its implications for poverty and the environment.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay significantly deviates from the topic, discussing childhood obesity instead of the economic growth debate. This lack of relevance to the prompt is a major reason for the low score, as it indicates a failure to understand the task requirements.
    • How to improve: To stay on topic, the writer should ensure that each paragraph relates directly to the prompt. A good strategy is to underline or highlight key phrases in the prompt and refer back to them while writing. This will help keep the essay focused on the required discussion and prevent straying into unrelated topics.

Overall, the essay needs to be rewritten to align with the prompt, focusing on the discussion of economic growth, its effects on poverty and hunger, and the environmental implications. By addressing these points directly and clearly, the writer can significantly improve their Task Response score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s perspective. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of childhood obesity, starting with causes, followed by health implications, and concluding with potential solutions. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing causes to health problems is somewhat abrupt, lacking a clear linking sentence that would guide the reader through the argument.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas between paragraphs. For example, at the end of the paragraph discussing causes, a sentence like "Understanding these causes is crucial, as they lead to significant health issues" could create a smoother transition to the next paragraph.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph has a clear focus, such as causes, effects, and solutions. However, the final paragraph could benefit from a more explicit conclusion that summarizes the main points discussed rather than merely restating the problem and hinting at solutions.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the concluding paragraph by summarizing the key arguments made throughout the essay. A sentence like "In conclusion, addressing the causes of childhood obesity through education and parental involvement is essential to mitigate its health impacts" would provide a clearer closure and reinforce the essay’s main arguments.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Moreover," and "However," which help to structure the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some sentences lack clear connections, which can disrupt the flow. For example, the phrase "it is possible to discontinue it by several solutions" is vague and does not clearly link to the subsequent discussion on solutions.
    • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases that indicate contrast, addition, and cause-effect relationships. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "Firstly," consider alternatives like "In addition," "On the other hand," or "Consequently." Additionally, clarify vague statements by specifying what "it" refers to, ensuring that the reader can easily follow the argument.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve greater clarity and coherence, potentially raising its band score in the Coherence and Cohesion criteria.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, particularly in discussing the topic of childhood obesity. Terms like "childhood obesity," "eating habits," "junk food," and "health problems" are relevant and appropriately used. However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive, particularly in phrases like "health problems" and "eating habits," which appear multiple times without variation. This repetition detracts from the overall lexical richness of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "eating habits," alternatives like "dietary patterns," "nutritional choices," or "food consumption behaviors" could be used. Additionally, introducing more varied adjectives and adverbs, such as "nutritious," "unwholesome," or "significantly," would enrich the text.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the lack of knowledge about food may be another reason" could be more precisely articulated as "insufficient nutritional education may contribute to this issue." Furthermore, the phrase "the advertisements of these food are more catching than others" is awkwardly constructed; "catching" should be replaced with "appealing" or "enticing" for better clarity and accuracy.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that convey the intended meaning more clearly. Engaging in vocabulary exercises that emphasize context-specific usage can also help. Reading academic articles or essays on similar topics can expose the writer to more precise language and phrasing.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several spelling errors that affect readability and professionalism. For instance, "built" should be "build," "solution" should be "solutions," and "suffering for obesity" should be "suffering from obesity." These errors indicate a lack of attention to detail and can detract from the overall quality of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement proofreading strategies, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools before submission. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial. Regularly writing and revising essays will also help reinforce correct spelling over time.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of the topic and uses relevant vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in terms of vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating varied vocabulary, refining word choice for clarity, and focusing on spelling, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple sentences are frequently used, such as "There are several reasons for the obesity in younger people." However, compound and complex sentences are less prevalent, which limits the overall variety. For example, the sentence "It is true that there are hundreds of successful fast food marketing strategies, while the organic and fresh food does not be advertised well" attempts to use a complex structure but contains grammatical errors that detract from its effectiveness.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that combine ideas effectively. For instance, instead of "It is essential to recognize that childhood obesity results in numerous health problem," the writer could say, "Recognizing that childhood obesity results in numerous health problems is essential, as it highlights the urgency of addressing this issue." Additionally, using a variety of conjunctions (e.g., although, because, since) can help create more complex sentences.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors that affect clarity and coherence. For instance, the phrase "the organic and fresh food does not be advertised well" should be corrected to "organic and fresh food is not advertised well." Additionally, the use of "a pressure can be put in medical services" is awkward; it would be more accurate to say "pressure can be placed on medical services." Punctuation is generally adequate, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before "especially primary school" in the sentence discussing education.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of verb forms. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, can be beneficial. Furthermore, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors and ensuring that commas are used to separate clauses appropriately will enhance clarity. Reading more academic texts can also help the writer internalize correct grammatical structures and punctuation usage.

By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing, potentially raising their band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Since the beginning of the twenty-first century, one serious issue in many countries is childhood obesity. From my perspective, unhealthy dietary habits are the main reason that have led to this trend, and it brings a number of health problems for children. However, it is possible to mitigate it through several solutions.

There are several reasons for obesity among younger individuals. Firstly, there is a problem with their eating habits. Research has revealed that the prevalence of fast food in the diets of young people is increasing over the years. Children are now more likely to eat junk food because the advertisements for these foods are more appealing than others. It is true that there are hundreds of successful fast food marketing strategies, while organic and fresh food is not effectively advertised. Moreover, the lack of knowledge about food may be another reason. It is undeniable that lessons about food or how to maintain a balanced diet are not included in the education curriculum at schools, especially primary schools.

It is essential to recognize that childhood obesity results in numerous health problems. Research has found that an overweight child is more likely to deal with health diseases than other children. Additionally, a strain can be placed on medical services when the number of patients suffering from obesity increases. However, there are still several solutions to avoid this negative trend. Firstly, the government should add more lessons about food and diet to schools’ curriculums in order to raise awareness about eating habits among students. Secondly, parents need to spend more time caring for their children and help them to adopt a healthy lifestyle by encouraging them to exercise regularly.

Last but not least, the increase in children suffering from obesity is a serious problem in many countries, since the eating habits of younger individuals are unhealthy and it has led to many negative impacts. However, this trend can be prevented by changes in education.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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