Some people say that in the modern world, getting old is entirely bad. Others believe that old people’s life nowadays is much better than in the past. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Some people say that in the modern world, getting old is entirely bad. Others believe that old people’s life nowadays is much better than in the past. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Some person assert that in the technology soceity, getting old is absolutely bad, although another person claim that old age life is much better now than before. This essay will outline some opinion about both two this viewpoint.
The truth is that aging takes a toll on our health and this inevitably makes us useless, even moving our hands is a big challenge, no different from a burden on the family. We can see that many young people feel reluctant to take on the task of taking care of their elderly parents and one of the reasons for their hesitation is that there are many things that the elderly cannot do by themselves. That is why many people find aging really terrible.
With the development of technology, the elderly are no longer as miserable as before, there are no longer too many scenes of elderly people doing hard manual labor outside. Social development leads to increased economic resources, which makes the facilities of hospitals upgraded where the elderly need to go for regular health check-ups. We can see that there are many diseases that were very difficult to cure in the past but can now be cured, for example cancer. In the past, cancer was a horror for every family, now if detected early, the possibility of recovery is very high. This is one of the reasons why people believe that the lives of the elderly are much better than in the past.
In short, while some individuals consider aging to be a terrible thing, I believe that the lives of the elderly today are much different from the past, many times better than before, making us live longer and happier, no longer miserable.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Some person assert" -> "Some individuals assert"
Explanation: "Some person" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Some individuals" is grammatically correct and maintains a formal tone suitable for academic writing. -
"in the technology soceity" -> "in a technological society"
Explanation: "soceity" is a typographical error and should be corrected to "society." Additionally, "in the technology soceity" is awkward and unclear; "in a technological society" is more precise and natural. -
"getting old is absolutely bad" -> "aging is inherently detrimental"
Explanation: "getting old is absolutely bad" is overly simplistic and informal. "Aging is inherently detrimental" uses more precise and formal language appropriate for academic discourse. -
"another person claim" -> "others claim"
Explanation: "another person claim" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Others claim" is grammatically correct and maintains a formal tone. -
"old age life" -> "life in old age"
Explanation: "old age life" is grammatically incorrect. "Life in old age" is grammatically correct and clearer in meaning. -
"outline some opinion about both two this viewpoint" -> "outline both perspectives on this viewpoint"
Explanation: "outline some opinion about both two this viewpoint" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Outline both perspectives on this viewpoint" is grammatically correct and clearer. -
"takes a toll on our health and this inevitably makes us useless" -> "affects our health, rendering us ineffective"
Explanation: "takes a toll on our health and this inevitably makes us useless" is informal and vague. "Affects our health, rendering us ineffective" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing. -
"moving our hands is a big challenge" -> "even performing simple tasks, such as moving our hands, is a significant challenge"
Explanation: "moving our hands is a big challenge" is informal and vague. The revised phrase provides a clearer and more formal description of the challenges faced by the elderly. -
"no different from a burden on the family" -> "equivalent to a burden on the family"
Explanation: "no different from a burden on the family" is informal and lacks precision. "Equivalent to a burden on the family" is more formal and clearly conveys the comparison. -
"many young people feel reluctant" -> "many young individuals feel reluctant"
Explanation: "many young people" is somewhat informal; "many young individuals" is more precise and formal. -
"there are many things that the elderly cannot do by themselves" -> "the elderly are often unable to perform various tasks independently"
Explanation: "there are many things that the elderly cannot do by themselves" is verbose and informal. "The elderly are often unable to perform various tasks independently" is more concise and formal. -
"really terrible" -> "extremely detrimental"
Explanation: "really terrible" is informal and vague. "Extremely detrimental" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing. -
"no longer too many scenes of elderly people doing hard manual labor outside" -> "fewer scenes of elderly individuals engaging in manual labor"
Explanation: "no longer too many scenes of elderly people doing hard manual labor outside" is awkward and informal. "Fewer scenes of elderly individuals engaging in manual labor" is clearer and more formal. -
"makes the facilities of hospitals upgraded" -> "results in upgraded hospital facilities"
Explanation: "makes the facilities of hospitals upgraded" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. "Results in upgraded hospital facilities" is grammatically correct and clearer. -
"We can see that there are many diseases that were very difficult to cure in the past but can now be cured" -> "it is evident that numerous diseases previously difficult to cure can now be treated"
Explanation: "We can see that there are many diseases that were very difficult to cure in the past but can now be cured" is verbose and informal. "It is evident that numerous diseases previously difficult to cure can now be treated" is more concise and formal. -
"making us live longer and happier, no longer miserable" -> "enabling us to live longer and more fulfilling lives, free from misery"
Explanation: "making us live longer and happier, no longer miserable" is informal and lacks precision. "Enabling us to live longer and more fulfilling lives, free from misery" is more formal and provides a clearer, more positive outcome.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views regarding aging in the modern world, discussing the negative aspects of aging in the first paragraph and the positive changes in the second. However, the introduction lacks clarity in presenting the two perspectives, as it states "some opinion about both two this viewpoint," which is somewhat vague. The conclusion does provide the author’s opinion but could be more explicitly linked to the discussion of both views.
- How to improve: To enhance the response to the prompt, the introduction should clearly outline the two perspectives in a more structured manner. For example, stating "This essay will discuss the negative aspects of aging as well as the improvements in the quality of life for the elderly today." Additionally, the conclusion could reiterate the main points discussed before stating the author’s opinion to create a more cohesive argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position in favor of the notion that life for the elderly is better now than in the past. However, the transition from discussing the negative aspects of aging to the positive changes is abrupt, which can confuse the reader regarding the author’s stance. The phrase "I believe that the lives of the elderly today are much different from the past" is somewhat vague and could be more assertive.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position throughout, the author should use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For instance, after discussing the negative aspects, a phrase like "On the other hand, it is important to consider the advancements that have significantly improved the lives of the elderly" could provide a smoother transition. Additionally, reinforcing the opinion with stronger language would enhance clarity.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the physical challenges of aging and the advancements in healthcare. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For example, while the essay mentions that many diseases are now treatable, it could benefit from specific examples or statistics to strengthen this point. The argument about young people’s reluctance to care for the elderly is introduced but not fully developed.
- How to improve: To better support ideas, the author should provide more detailed examples and evidence. For instance, citing specific technological advancements or healthcare improvements would lend credibility to the argument. Additionally, expanding on the reasons behind young people’s reluctance to care for the elderly could provide a more nuanced view of the topic.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing both views regarding aging. However, some sentences, particularly in the first paragraph, contain grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that detract from the overall clarity. For instance, "some person assert" should be "some people assert," and "the technology society" should be "the technological society."
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the author should proofread the essay for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Ensuring that sentences are clear and concise will help keep the reader engaged and focused on the topic. Additionally, using clear topic sentences for each paragraph can help reinforce the main ideas and maintain coherence throughout the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents two contrasting views on aging, which is a good approach to addressing the prompt. However, the organization could be improved. The first paragraph introduces the topic but lacks clarity in stating the two viewpoints. The second and third paragraphs discuss the negative and positive aspects of aging, respectively, but the transition between these ideas could be more fluid. For instance, the shift from discussing the burdens of aging to the benefits of modern advancements feels abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences that explicitly state the main idea of each paragraph. For example, the first paragraph could better introduce the two perspectives by stating, "Some argue that aging is detrimental due to health issues, while others believe that advancements have improved the quality of life for the elderly." Additionally, using transitional phrases such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely" can help guide the reader through the contrasting points.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate ideas, which is essential for clarity. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively structured. The first paragraph is somewhat vague and does not clearly delineate the two viewpoints. The second and third paragraphs, while focused on specific aspects of aging, could benefit from clearer topic sentences and supporting details that directly relate to the main argument.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph begins with a strong topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. For instance, the second paragraph could start with, "Many people view aging negatively due to the health challenges it presents." This sets a clear expectation for the reader. Additionally, consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones if they contain multiple ideas, which can enhance readability.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "although" and "for example," but the range is limited. The use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical and does not always enhance the flow of ideas. For example, the phrase "that is why" is used to connect thoughts but could be replaced with more varied transitions to improve coherence.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "this is one of the reasons," consider alternatives like "Moreover," "Additionally," or "Furthermore" to introduce supporting ideas. Additionally, using pronouns and synonyms can help maintain cohesion without sounding repetitive. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "the elderly," you could use "they" or "older individuals" in subsequent mentions.
By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to an improved band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some effective word choices such as "miserable," "burden," and "economic resources." However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation, such as using "old" and "elderly" frequently without synonyms. Phrases like "technology society" and "hard manual labor" could be expressed with more varied vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more sophisticated terms. For example, instead of repeating "elderly," alternatives like "senior citizens" or "aged population" could be used. Additionally, phrases like "technological advancements" could replace "technology society" for clarity and sophistication.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary choices. For instance, "some person assert" should be "some people assert," and "this essay will outline some opinion about both two this viewpoint" is awkwardly phrased. The phrase "makes us useless" is also overly strong and could be more nuanced.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. For example, instead of "makes us useless," a more precise phrase could be "may lead to a sense of dependency." Additionally, restructuring sentences for clarity and grammatical accuracy will improve precision.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "soceity" (society) and "claim" (should be "claims" to match the subject). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, possibly using spell-check tools or reading the essay aloud to catch mistakes. Regular practice with spelling exercises and reviewing commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of simple sentences predominates, such as "The truth is that aging takes a toll on our health" and "We can see that many young people feel reluctant to take on the task." While these sentences convey clear ideas, they lack complexity. There are few compound or complex sentences, which are essential for achieving a higher band score.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that combine ideas. For example, instead of saying "The truth is that aging takes a toll on our health," the writer could say, "Although aging takes a toll on our health, advancements in technology have significantly improved the quality of life for the elderly." This not only adds variety but also enhances coherence and depth in the argument.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, "Some person assert" should be "Some people assert," and "the technology soceity" should be "the technological society." There are also issues with subject-verb agreement and article usage, such as "another person claim" instead of "another person claims." Punctuation is also inconsistent; for instance, the lack of commas in compound sentences leads to run-on sentences, which can confuse readers.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should review subject-verb agreement rules and practice using articles correctly. Additionally, focusing on punctuation, especially in complex sentences, will improve clarity. A good practice is to read the essay aloud to identify awkward phrasing and run-on sentences, allowing for better punctuation placement. Furthermore, utilizing grammar-checking tools can help catch errors before submission.
Overall, while the essay presents a relevant discussion on the topic, improving grammatical range and accuracy will significantly enhance the overall quality and coherence of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
Some individuals assert that in a technological society, getting old is inherently detrimental, while others claim that life in old age today is much better than in the past. This essay will outline both perspectives on this viewpoint.
The truth is that aging affects our health, rendering us ineffective; even performing simple tasks, such as moving our hands, can become a significant challenge. Consequently, many young individuals feel reluctant to take on the responsibility of caring for their elderly parents. One reason for their hesitation is that the elderly are often unable to perform various tasks independently. This is why many people find aging to be extremely detrimental.
However, with the development of technology, life in old age has improved significantly. There are now fewer scenes of elderly individuals engaging in hard manual labor, which was common in the past. Social progress has led to increased economic resources, resulting in upgraded hospital facilities where the elderly can receive regular health check-ups. It is evident that numerous diseases previously difficult to cure can now be treated; for example, cancer, which was once a horror for every family, can now be managed effectively if detected early. This improvement is one of the reasons why many believe that the lives of the elderly are much better than before.
In conclusion, while some individuals consider aging to be a burden, I believe that life for the elderly today is vastly different from the past. It is often much better, enabling us to live longer and more fulfilling lives, free from misery.