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some people say that prevent crime from happening is a better way to reduce crime rate than punishment. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

some people say that prevent crime from happening is a better way to reduce crime rate than punishment. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is widely argued that averting crime is better than punishment. I disagree with this statement as there are reasons to which I will elaborate on in this essay.

The amount of money required for preventing crime is significantly more costly than punishment. This is because almost all methods of crime prevention such as providing education or financial aid for those at risk would need extreme expenses which all come from people’s taxes. Furthermore, if any preventative support is given out but not for long term due to lack of funds, those individuals would be devastated or even grow hatred towards the government. This would cause further unwanted problems generated from methods introduced to solve it, doing way more harm than good.

Punishment itself already serves as a good deterrent from unlawful actions. As most people generally see the law as a powerful being which is hard to evade, it instills fear in people, preventing them from engaging in criminal activities. Moreover, sentences given to prisoners at trials provide justice for families of victims so that they do not have the need to feel like seeking revenge by illegal means. This fear of the criminal justice system combined with incarceration to prevent revenge immensely decreases the crime rate within our society.

There are many downsides to incorporating preventative measures, such as it being expensive and that punishment is already a way of preventing crime. With that, I do not agree with the saying of crime prevention is better than criminal justice.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "It is widely argued" -> "It is commonly asserted"
    Explanation: "Asserted" is a more precise term in academic writing, suggesting a formal and authoritative statement, which is more suitable for an academic context than the more casual "argued."

  2. "I disagree with this statement" -> "I contend that this assertion is incorrect"
    Explanation: "Contend" is a more formal verb that implies a strong, evidence-based argument, which is more appropriate for academic discourse than the more personal and informal "disagree."

  3. "there are reasons to which I will elaborate on" -> "I will elaborate on the following reasons"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revised version clarifies the structure and maintains a formal tone.

  4. "The amount of money required for preventing crime" -> "The financial resources required for crime prevention"
    Explanation: "Financial resources" is a more precise and formal term than "amount of money," and "crime prevention" is a more commonly used and formal phrase in academic writing.

  5. "almost all methods of crime prevention" -> "most methods of crime prevention"
    Explanation: "Almost all" is vague and can be misleading; "most" is more specific and academically precise.

  6. "would need extreme expenses" -> "would incur significant expenses"
    Explanation: "Incur" is a more formal and precise verb than "need," and "significant" is a more measured term than "extreme," which can be seen as hyperbolic.

  7. "all come from people’s taxes" -> "all are funded by taxpayers"
    Explanation: "Funded by taxpayers" is a clearer and more formal way to express the source of funding, avoiding the colloquial "people’s taxes."

  8. "if any preventative support is given out but not for long term" -> "if any preventative support is provided but not for the long term"
    Explanation: "Provided" is more formal than "given out," and "for the long term" is grammatically correct and clearer than "for long term."

  9. "those individuals would be devastated or even grow hatred towards the government" -> "these individuals could become disillusioned or even develop resentment towards the government"
    Explanation: "Become disillusioned" and "develop resentment" are more precise and academically appropriate terms than "devastated" and "grow hatred," which are overly emotional and informal.

  10. "doing way more harm than good" -> "causing more harm than benefit"
    Explanation: "Causing more harm than benefit" is a more formal and precise expression, suitable for academic writing, compared to the colloquial "doing way more harm than good."

  11. "Punishment itself already serves as a good deterrent" -> "Punishment itself already serves as an effective deterrent"
    Explanation: "Effective" is a more precise adjective than "good," which is vague and informal in this context.

  12. "instills fear in people" -> "instills fear within individuals"
    Explanation: "Within individuals" is a more formal and precise way to describe the scope of the fear, compared to the more casual "in people."

  13. "sentences given to prisoners at trials provide justice" -> "sentences imposed on prisoners at trials provide justice"
    Explanation: "Imposed" is a more formal and precise term than "given," which is less specific and less formal.

  14. "do not have the need to feel like seeking revenge" -> "do not feel the need to seek revenge"
    Explanation: "Feel the need to seek revenge" is a more direct and formal expression than "have the need to feel like seeking revenge," which is awkward and redundant.

  15. "With that, I do not agree with the saying of crime prevention is better than criminal justice" -> "Given these points, I disagree with the assertion that crime prevention is superior to criminal justice"
    Explanation: "Given these points" is a more formal transition, and "superior" is a more precise and academic term than "better," which is too informal for this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a disagreement with the notion that preventing crime is better than punishment. The writer presents arguments against crime prevention, focusing on the financial implications and the effectiveness of punishment as a deterrent. However, the essay could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of the idea of crime prevention itself, as it primarily emphasizes the drawbacks without acknowledging any potential benefits.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should consider briefly outlining what effective crime prevention might look like and how it could complement punishment. This would provide a more balanced view and demonstrate a deeper engagement with the prompt.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The position is clear from the outset, with the writer stating their disagreement with the statement. Throughout the essay, this stance is maintained, particularly in the discussion of the costs associated with crime prevention and the effectiveness of punishment. However, the transition between points could be smoother, as some arguments feel somewhat disjointed.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer should use transitional phrases that link ideas more cohesively. For instance, summarizing the previous point before introducing the next can help reinforce the overall argument and ensure that the reader follows the line of reasoning.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the financial burden of crime prevention and the deterrent effect of punishment. However, these ideas are not always fully developed. For example, while the writer mentions the potential for hatred towards the government due to inadequate funding for crime prevention, this point could be elaborated with examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
    • How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples or evidence to support their claims. This could involve citing studies on crime rates related to punishment versus prevention or discussing specific instances where crime prevention has failed or succeeded.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the debate between crime prevention and punishment. However, there are moments where the argument could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For instance, the mention of "revenge by illegal means" could be more directly tied to the discussion of how punishment serves to prevent crime.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made is directly relevant to the central argument. This can be achieved by regularly referencing the prompt throughout the essay and ensuring that each paragraph contributes to the overall thesis.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, it would benefit from a more balanced discussion of crime prevention, smoother transitions between ideas, more detailed support for claims, and tighter adherence to the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the idea that crime prevention is better than punishment. The introduction sets the stage effectively, stating the writer’s disagreement and hinting at the reasons that will be elaborated upon. Each paragraph logically follows the previous one, with the first discussing the costs associated with crime prevention and the second focusing on the effectiveness of punishment. However, the conclusion could be more robust, as it briefly reiterates the main points without synthesizing them into a compelling final statement.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider including a transitional sentence at the end of each paragraph that links to the next. Additionally, the conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing the key arguments in a more comprehensive manner, perhaps by restating the thesis in light of the evidence presented.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each one dedicated to a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic and presents the writer’s stance, while the subsequent paragraphs delve into specific reasons supporting that stance. However, the final paragraph feels somewhat abrupt and could benefit from a clearer connection to the overall argument.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph not only presents a distinct idea but also connects back to the thesis. Consider adding a concluding sentence to each paragraph that reinforces how the information presented supports the overall argument. This will help maintain coherence throughout the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "furthermore," "moreover," and "with that," which help to link ideas and maintain the flow of the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied. For instance, while "furthermore" and "moreover" are effective, relying on them too heavily can make the writing feel repetitive.
    • How to improve: To diversify the range of cohesive devices, consider using alternatives such as "in addition," "conversely," or "on the other hand" to introduce contrasting ideas. Additionally, using pronouns and synonyms can help avoid repetition and enhance the overall cohesion of the essay. For example, instead of repeating "crime prevention," you could use "these measures" or "such initiatives" in subsequent references.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization and effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices. With some refinements in transitions and the conclusion, as well as a broader range of cohesive devices, the essay could achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "averting," "deterrent," and "incarceration" used appropriately. However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "preventing crime" and "punishment," which could be varied to enhance the essay’s lexical richness. For instance, using synonyms such as "crime prevention" or "penal measures" could diversify the language.
    • How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader array of synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "punishment," consider alternatives like "penalty," "retribution," or "consequences." Additionally, integrating more complex vocabulary related to the topic, such as "rehabilitation" or "recidivism," could elevate the essay’s lexical range.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "extreme expenses" could be more accurately expressed as "significant costs" or "substantial financial resources." Additionally, the term "powerful being" when referring to the law is vague and could lead to confusion.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that convey the intended meaning more clearly. For instance, replacing "powerful being" with "authoritative entity" or "legal system" would clarify the statement. It is also beneficial to review the context in which certain terms are used to ensure they align with the intended message.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a good level of spelling accuracy, with no glaring errors that detract from the overall readability. Words like "education," "devastated," and "hatred" are spelled correctly, which contributes positively to the essay’s clarity.
    • How to improve: To maintain and improve spelling accuracy, the writer should continue to proofread their work carefully. Utilizing tools such as spell checkers or engaging in regular vocabulary exercises can also help reinforce correct spelling. Additionally, practicing writing under timed conditions can enhance both spelling and overall fluency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs a reasonable range of vocabulary, there are opportunities for improvement in lexical variety, precision, and continued attention to spelling. By diversifying vocabulary, selecting words with greater precision, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their Lexical Resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional phrases. For example, the use of "if any preventative support is given out but not for long term due to lack of funds" showcases a conditional structure that adds depth to the argument. However, the essay relies heavily on straightforward declarative sentences, which can limit the overall complexity and variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more varied sentence types, such as relative clauses (e.g., "which can lead to…") and participial phrases (e.g., "Having considered the costs, one might argue…"). Additionally, using more transitional phrases (e.g., "On the other hand," "In contrast") can help in linking ideas more fluidly and diversifying the sentence structure.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are some instances of awkward phrasing and punctuation errors. For example, the phrase "the amount of money required for preventing crime is significantly more costly than punishment" could be more clearly stated as "the cost of preventing crime is significantly higher than that of punishment." Additionally, the sentence "This would cause further unwanted problems generated from methods introduced to solve it, doing way more harm than good" could benefit from clearer punctuation to separate ideas effectively.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on clarity and conciseness in sentence construction. Review sentences for potential rephrasing to avoid awkward structures. Additionally, ensure that punctuation is used correctly to enhance readability—particularly in complex sentences. Regular practice with grammar exercises and reading well-structured essays can also help in identifying and correcting common errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision. Engaging with a variety of writing styles and practicing specific grammatical structures will further enhance the effectiveness of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is commonly asserted that preventing crime is a more effective approach to reducing crime rates than punishment. I contend that this assertion is incorrect, as there are several reasons I will elaborate on in this essay.

The financial resources required for crime prevention are significantly greater than those needed for punishment. This is because most methods of crime prevention, such as providing education or financial aid for those at risk, would incur significant expenses, all of which are funded by taxpayers. Furthermore, if any preventative support is provided but not for the long term due to a lack of funds, these individuals could become disillusioned or even develop resentment towards the government. This could lead to further unwanted problems generated from methods introduced to solve the issue, causing more harm than benefit.

Punishment itself already serves as an effective deterrent against unlawful actions. As most people generally perceive the law as a powerful entity that is difficult to evade, it instills fear within individuals, preventing them from engaging in criminal activities. Moreover, the sentences imposed on prisoners at trials provide justice for the families of victims, ensuring that they do not feel the need to seek revenge through illegal means. This fear of the criminal justice system, combined with incarceration to prevent acts of revenge, immensely decreases the crime rate within our society.

There are many downsides to incorporating preventative measures, such as the high costs involved and the fact that punishment is already a means of preventing crime. Given these points, I disagree with the assertion that crime prevention is superior to criminal justice.

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