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Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

It is argued that providing many sports centers or health clubs is a great way to improve public health, others think that other solutions would be better for this problem. In this essay, I agree with the latter statement.

On the one hand, establishing a number of sports spaces will result in an increase in the frequency of workouts for people who are already working out and thus, it will enhance their health. Irrefutably, maintaining physical activities is crucial in improving health, so the increase in sport facilities will help people easily access equipment as well as fitness venues. For example, in my local area, the appearance of sports centers such as basketball courts, parks or many amenities can inspire sedentary people as well as children to exercise more towards a healthy life.

On the other hand, I would argue that increasing the provision of sports amenities would have little impact on public health. Undoubtedly, it is important to educate citizens about public awareness. Some people would easily avoid suffering from various health issues such as: obesity, heart disease if he is equipped with sufficient basic knowledge about medicine and health care. For example, a child when he knows more about the effects of smoking, he might be less likely to take up this bad habit. Additionally, public health campaigns and health programs also help others enhance their health. Beside, most people with a sedentary lifestyle today are those who face a large amount of work and often do not have time to exercise, so spending money to increase fitness equipment would cause waste as well as bring no health benefits to people.

In conclusion,I think that building new establishments for physical exercise can advance public health, but other approaches such as advertising and prevention would have a bigger value.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "others think that other solutions would be better for this problem." -> "others argue that alternative solutions would be more effective in addressing this issue."
    Explanation: The suggested improvement replaces the informal phrase "think that other solutions would be better" with a more formal and precise expression, "argue that alternative solutions would be more effective," aligning with academic style.

  2. "On the one hand, establishing a number of sports spaces will result in an increase in the frequency of workouts for people who are already working out and thus, it will enhance their health." -> "On one hand, the establishment of numerous sports facilities would lead to a higher frequency of workouts for individuals already engaged in physical activity, thereby improving their health."
    Explanation: The revision simplifies the sentence structure while maintaining formality. It also eliminates redundancy by combining the ideas of frequency of workouts and enhanced health.

  3. "Irrefutably, maintaining physical activities is crucial in improving health, so the increase in sport facilities will help people easily access equipment as well as fitness venues." -> "Undoubtedly, engaging in regular physical activities is pivotal for health improvement; thus, the expansion of sports facilities will facilitate convenient access to equipment and fitness venues."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality by replacing "Irrefutably" with "Undoubtedly" and restructuring the sentence for better flow. Additionally, it replaces "crucial" with "pivotal" for a more sophisticated expression.

  4. "For example, in my local area, the appearance of sports centers such as basketball courts, parks or many amenities can inspire sedentary people as well as children to exercise more towards a healthy life." -> "For instance, in my locality, the presence of sports centers, including basketball courts, parks, and various amenities, has the potential to motivate sedentary individuals and children to engage in physical activities for a healthier lifestyle."
    Explanation: The revision refines the sentence by specifying the types of sports centers and amenities, creating a more detailed and formal expression.

  5. "On the other hand, I would argue that increasing the provision of sports amenities would have little impact on public health." -> "On the contrary, I contend that expanding the provision of sports amenities would yield limited impact on public health."
    Explanation: The suggested improvement replaces the informal "I would argue" with a more direct "I contend" and introduces a more formal expression, "On the contrary," to indicate the opposing viewpoint.

  6. "Undoubtedly, it is important to educate citizens about public awareness." -> "Undoubtedly, educating citizens on public awareness is crucial."
    Explanation: The revised sentence simplifies the expression while maintaining formality. It combines the ideas for conciseness and clarity.

  7. "Beside, most people with a sedentary lifestyle today are those who face a large amount of work and often do not have time to exercise, so spending money to increase fitness equipment would cause waste as well as bring no health benefits to people." -> "Moreover, individuals with sedentary lifestyles are often burdened with heavy workloads and lack time for exercise. Therefore, investing in additional fitness equipment may result in unnecessary expenditure without significant health benefits for these individuals."
    Explanation: The improvement replaces the informal "Beside" with "Moreover" for a smoother transition. It also enhances formality by restructuring the sentence and introducing the rationale for the argument.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument, discussing the idea that increasing sports facilities can improve public health and presenting an opposing view that suggests alternative measures are more effective. However, the discussion on the second view is somewhat brief. The introduction clearly states the writer’s opinion in agreement with the latter view.
    • How to improve: To enhance completeness, dedicate more space in the essay to the second perspective, providing a more thorough analysis and examples of alternative measures beyond just education and public health campaigns.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The writer consistently maintains a clear stance throughout the essay by expressing agreement with the idea that increasing sports facilities would have little impact on public health. The thesis statement in the introduction clearly communicates this position.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity, consider reinforcing the thesis in the conclusion and ensuring that every paragraph contributes to supporting the chosen position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas with some level of development. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the potential benefits of increased sports facilities on those already engaged in physical activities. However, the second body paragraph, which supports the opposing view, is somewhat underdeveloped and could benefit from more detailed examples.
    • How to improve: Elaborate further on the second perspective, providing specific instances of alternative measures beyond education and public health campaigns. Consider offering a deeper analysis of the potential limitations of relying solely on sports facilities.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the impact of increasing sports facilities on public health. However, there is a brief mention of the sedentary lifestyle being a result of a lack of time for exercise, which might slightly deviate from the central theme.
    • How to improve: Ensure all points directly contribute to the main discussion. If discussing the sedentary lifestyle due to lack of time, connect it explicitly to the impact of sports facilities on public health to maintain coherence.

In conclusion, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, providing arguments and examples for both perspectives. To improve, consider allocating more space to the opposing view and enhancing the development of ideas, providing specific examples for a more comprehensive and balanced analysis.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical organization, with clear separation of the two opposing views in separate paragraphs. The introduction and conclusion effectively frame the discussion. Each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence, and ideas progress logically within each paragraph.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider refining transitions between paragraphs for smoother progression. Ensure that each paragraph’s content directly relates to the main topic and maintains the focus on the prompt.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs appropriately, with a clear structure for each. The introduction and conclusion are distinct, and body paragraphs address specific aspects of the prompt. However, some paragraphs could benefit from further development and detail.
    • How to improve: Expand on supporting points within paragraphs to provide a more thorough exploration of ideas. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones to enhance clarity and emphasis on individual points.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices, such as linking words ("on the one hand," "on the other hand," "in conclusion"), effectively. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of these devices.
    • How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices, including synonyms for commonly used transition words. Experiment with more advanced linking phrases to add depth and sophistication to the essay’s overall coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion. To improve further, focus on refining transitions between paragraphs, expanding on supporting points, and incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices to elevate the essay’s overall coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with a mix of general and topic-specific terms. For instance, words like "amenities," "sedentary," and "irrefutably" contribute to a varied lexical field. However, there is room for improvement as some ideas are repeated, and certain concepts lack diverse expressions.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of vocabulary, consider introducing synonyms or alternative expressions for frequently used terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "health," explore terms like "well-being," "fitness," or "physical condition." Additionally, incorporate more subject-specific terminology related to public health and fitness.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is generally satisfactory. Certain terms, such as "sedentary," are used appropriately to convey specific meanings. However, there are instances where the language could be more precise, such as the use of "many sports spaces" or "health clubs," which are somewhat broad.
    • How to improve: Aim for greater specificity by specifying the types of sports facilities or health clubs. For instance, instead of "many sports spaces," mention specific facilities like gyms, swimming pools, or community sports clubs. This will not only make your writing more precise but also add depth to your argument.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally maintained at an acceptable level throughout the essay. However, there are some instances of minor errors, such as "Beside" instead of "Besides" and inconsistent capitalization in "physical exercise." These do not significantly hinder understanding but should be addressed.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to spelling and proofread your essay carefully. Use tools like spell-check to catch minor errors. Additionally, review the rules of capitalization to ensure consistency. Developing a habit of revising your work systematically can help in identifying and rectifying such errors.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary and spelling, there is room for improvement in terms of variety and precision. Incorporating a broader range of expressions, using more specific terminology, and refining spelling accuracy will contribute to a more polished and impactful essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic variety of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is a lack of more complex structures, such as complex sentences or a varied use of conjunctions. The majority of sentences follow a straightforward pattern, impacting the overall richness of expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating complex sentence structures, such as using subordinating conjunctions (although, while, since) and relative clauses. For instance, instead of relying on simple sentences, try combining ideas with more complex structures to add sophistication to your writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of errors. For example, in the sentence "Beside, most people with a sedentary lifestyle today…," "Beside" should be "Besides." Additionally, there are some issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "the appearance of sports centers such as basketball courts, parks or many amenities can inspire sedentary people as well as children to exercise more towards a healthy life," where the singular "appearance" conflicts with the plural "amenities." Punctuation is generally used correctly, but there are occasional lapses.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to grammar rules, especially subject-verb agreement, and review common punctuation errors. For example, revise the sentence mentioned above to ensure subject-verb agreement and consider using a variety of punctuation marks for better precision. Proofread your essay thoroughly to catch and correct such errors before submission.

Overall, the essay demonstrates competent grammatical range and accuracy. To improve, focus on incorporating more varied sentence structures and addressing specific grammatical errors to enhance the overall sophistication and clarity of your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a contention regarding the most effective means to enhance public health, with some advocating for an increase in the number of sports facilities, while others argue that alternative solutions would be more effective in addressing this issue. I align myself with the latter viewpoint.

On one hand, the establishment of numerous sports facilities would lead to a higher frequency of workouts for individuals already engaged in physical activity, thereby improving their health. Undoubtedly, engaging in regular physical activities is pivotal for health improvement; thus, the expansion of sports facilities will facilitate convenient access to equipment and fitness venues. For instance, in my locality, the presence of sports centers, including basketball courts, parks, and various amenities, has the potential to motivate sedentary individuals and children to engage in physical activities for a healthier lifestyle.

On the contrary, I contend that expanding the provision of sports amenities would yield limited impact on public health. Undoubtedly, educating citizens on public awareness is crucial. Moreover, individuals with sedentary lifestyles are often burdened with heavy workloads and lack time for exercise. Therefore, investing in additional fitness equipment may result in unnecessary expenditure without significant health benefits for these individuals.

In conclusion, while I acknowledge that building new establishments for physical exercise can contribute to advancing public health, I believe that other approaches such as advertising and prevention would offer more substantial value in addressing this complex issue.

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