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Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. Do you agree?

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. Do you agree?

Nowadays, there is an ongoing debate involving several essential solutions need to apply to avoid sickness and diseases. Some people argue that the Government should have huge efforts to inprove the environment and the quality of housing. From my perspective, I agree with this viewpoint. However, besides this solution, people shoud have a comprehensive combination various methods such as regular exercides, having balanced eating habits, checking-out their health conditions frequently and the like. My essay will outline point of view and provide supporting arguments.

To begin with, the Government should focus on improving the environment and housing due to this is one of the main reason harming people health and increasingly serious in recent years. Enviroment pollution can cause a wide range of illness and diseases including headeach, impared auditory, lung diseases, cancer and the like. Dweller citizents, for instance, have to put up with a great amount of the emmission, so they have to face diseases related to lungs. Also, housing problems including a lack of accomodations, a appropreate distributions, overpopulation in city and the like also harm to the standard of living for residents. These housing problems can pose a huge burden for residents, especially those living in cities. For instace, a number of people fail to possess a house to settle down, so they have little to no chance to take care of themselves and their families.

Regarding the importance of the Government in improving people health through reducing pollution and housing problems, since these problems are common responsiblities of public and it requires collective efforts from individuals, the Government, organizations and the like, so the Gorvernment should play a leader to implement campaigns associated with environment and housing. If the Government fail to put in charge of the leader, people healthy conditions is not improved. More specifically, the authorities should held enviromental campaigns, encourage people taking part in these campaigns, having regulatory guidances, publishing strictly people violating environment and the like. On the other hand, besides the crucial role of the Government, these goals involving improving people health also require efforts from individuals themselves, particulaly healthy eating habits, doing exercise regularly, avoiding unhealthy food and the like.

In conclusion, I am convinced that to improve people healthy conditions, the Government should concentrate on dealing with enviromental pollution and housing issues. However, these aims also need to contribute collective efforts from individuals and organization.

Vocabulary Improvements

  1. “several essential solutions need to apply” -> “several essential solutions need to be implemented”
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks proper verb usage. “Need to be implemented” is a more appropriate construction in academic writing.
  2. “inprove” -> “improve”
    Explanation: A simple spelling error corrected to maintain formal language.
  3. “shoud” -> “should”
    Explanation: Another spelling error that should be corrected to maintain proper academic style.
  4. “exercides” -> “exercises”
    Explanation: A typographical error corrected to use the correct word.
  5. “checking-out” -> “monitoring” or “assessing”
    Explanation: “Checking-out” is too informal for academic writing. Replacing it with “monitoring” or “assessing” is more suitable.
  6. “point of view” -> “perspective”
    Explanation: “Perspective” is a more formal and precise term than “point of view” in academic writing.
  7. “focus on improving” -> “prioritize the improvement of”
    Explanation: Using “prioritize the improvement of” adds more specificity and formality to the sentence.
  8. “due to this is one of the main reason” -> “as it is one of the primary reasons”
    Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. The suggested alternative is more concise and formal.
  9. “harming people health” -> “detrimental to public health”
    Explanation: “Detrimental to public health” is a more formal and precise phrase.
  10. “Enviroment” -> “Environment”
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling error to maintain proper academic writing.
  11. “headeach” -> “headache”
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling error to use the appropriate word.
  12. “impared auditory” -> “impaired hearing”
    Explanation: “Impaired hearing” is a more natural and precise term.
  13. “lung diseases” -> “respiratory diseases”
    Explanation: “Respiratory diseases” is a more specific and formal term than “lung diseases.”
  14. “citizents” -> “citizens”
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling error to use the correct word.
  15. “a appropreate distributions” -> “appropriate distribution”
    Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. “Appropriate distribution” is the correct term.
  16. “overpopulation in city” -> “urban overpopulation”
    Explanation: “Urban overpopulation” is a more precise and formal term.
  17. “the like” -> “and similar issues”
    Explanation: “And similar issues” is a more formal and precise way to refer to related problems.
  18. “pose a huge burden” -> “impose a significant burden”
    Explanation: “Impose a significant burden” is a more formal and precise phrase.
  19. “instace” -> “instance”
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling error to use the correct word.
  20. “possess a house” -> “own a home”
    Explanation: “Own a home” is a more formal and precise phrase.
  21. “put in charge of the leader” -> “take on the leadership role”
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. “Take on the leadership role” is more appropriate.
  22. “published strictly people violating environment” -> “enforce strict penalties for environmental violations”
    Explanation: The original phrase is unclear. “Enforce strict penalties for environmental violations” is more precise and formal.
  23. “particulaly” -> “particularly”
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling error to use the correct word.
  24. “healthy eating habits” -> “a nutritious diet”
    Explanation: “A nutritious diet” is a more formal and precise term.
  25. “avoiding unhealthy food” -> “eliminating consumption of unhealthy foods”
    Explanation: The suggested alternative is more specific and formal.
  26. “contribute collective efforts” -> “require collective efforts”
    Explanation: “Require collective efforts” is a more precise phrase.
  27. “people healthy conditions” -> “people’s health conditions”
    Explanation: Adding the possessive form “people’s” for correct grammar.

Overall, these corrections and suggestions enhance the essay’s academic tone and clarity while maintaining a natural language flow.

 

Task Response: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: “Nowadays, there is an ongoing debate involving several essential solutions need to apply to avoid sickness and diseases. Some people argue that the Government should have huge efforts to inprove the environment and the quality of housing. From my perspective, I agree with this viewpoint.”
    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction is somewhat unclear and lacks precision. It would be more effective if you explicitly state your position on the topic and provide a roadmap for the reader by outlining the main points you will discuss. This will help in setting a clear direction for your essay and make your position evident from the beginning.
    • Improved example: “In the ongoing debate about preventing illnesses and diseases, some argue that governments should prioritize improving the environment and housing quality. I firmly agree with this perspective. In this essay, I will delve into the reasons supporting this stance, including the adverse health effects of environmental pollution and housing issues.”
  2. Quoted text: “To begin with, the Government should focus on improving the environment and housing due to this is one of the main reason harming people health and increasingly serious in recent years. Enviroment pollution can cause a wide range of illness and diseases including headeach, impared auditory, lung diseases, cancer and the like.”
    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your main points are relevant, but the expression is somewhat unclear. It’s crucial to articulate your ideas with precision. Additionally, providing specific examples or personal experiences related to the health impact of pollution and housing problems would strengthen your argument.
    • Improved example: “To commence, governmental attention to environmental improvement and housing quality is imperative due to their significant contribution to deteriorating public health. For instance, the deleterious effects of environmental pollution, such as headaches, impaired auditory senses, and respiratory diseases like lung cancer, underscore the urgency of addressing this issue.”
  3. Quoted text: “Regarding the importance of the Government in improving people health through reducing pollution and housing problems, since these problems are common responsiblities of public and it requires collective efforts from individuals, the Government, organizations and the like, so the Gorvernment should play a leader to implement campaigns associated with environment and housing.”
    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your point about collective responsibility is valid, but the sentence structure is complex, leading to some confusion. Simplifying the language and providing a more explicit link between government actions and individual responsibilities would enhance clarity.
    • Improved example: “Recognizing the shared responsibility for public health, it is essential for the government to take a leading role in addressing environmental and housing challenges. By spearheading campaigns and initiatives, the government can foster a collaborative effort involving individuals, organizations, and the community at large.”

Overall, the essay adequately addresses the task but could benefit from clearer articulation of ideas and specific examples to support the arguments.

 

Coherence & Cohesion: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, earning it a Band 6 score. The writer attempts to organize ideas logically and maintains a clear overall progression. The essay has a discernible introduction, body, and conclusion, contributing to its overall coherence. The use of cohesive devices is evident, although there are instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion within and between sentences. Paragraphing is present but not always logical, leading to some disruptions in the flow of ideas.

How to improve:

  1. Sentence Structure and Cohesion: Work on enhancing the cohesion within and between sentences. Ensure that the use of cohesive devices is more natural and serves to connect ideas seamlessly.
  2. Logical Paragraphing: Pay attention to the organization of paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a central topic, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.
  3. Grammar and Expression: Review and revise grammar to eliminate errors. Additionally, aim for more varied and accurate expressions to convey ideas effectively.

While the essay addresses the prompt and provides relevant arguments, refining the above aspects will contribute to a more cohesive and logically structured response.

 

Lexical Resource: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary and contains noticeable errors in spelling and word formation. The vocabulary used is basic and repetitive in some places. For example, the phrase “environmental pollution and housing problems” is repeated multiple times without variation. There are also several spelling errors, such as “inprove” instead of “improve,” “exercides” instead of “exercises,” “impared” instead of “impaired,” and “dwellers citizents” instead of “dwellers/citizens.” These errors in spelling and word formation may cause some difficulty for the reader. Additionally, some sentences lack clarity and coherence, affecting the overall quality of the essay.

How to improve:

  1. Expand your vocabulary: Use a wider range of vocabulary to convey your ideas more effectively. Avoid repeating the same words and phrases, and try to incorporate more varied and precise terms related to the topic.
  2. Proofread for spelling and word formation: Carefully proofread your essay to eliminate spelling errors and ensure proper word formation. Using spell-check tools can be helpful.
  3. Improve sentence structure: Work on sentence structure and coherence to make your essay more organized and easier to follow. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supporting details.
  4. Provide more specific examples: Support your arguments with specific examples and evidence to make your points more convincing and relevant.

Overall, while the essay conveys some ideas about the importance of addressing environmental pollution and housing problems, it needs significant improvement in vocabulary usage, spelling, and sentence structure to achieve a higher band score.

 

Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, but there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the text. While the writer attempts to use a variety of sentence structures, these attempts are not always accurate, and errors can occasionally impact communication. The essay contains some effective complex sentences but also includes instances where simpler structures would have been more appropriate.

How to improve:

  1. Grammar and Punctuation: The writer should pay closer attention to grammar and punctuation to minimize errors. Proofreading the essay before submission can help identify and correct these issues.
  2. Sentence Structure: Focus on achieving greater accuracy when using complex sentence structures. It may be beneficial to use simpler sentence forms when unsure about the correctness of more complex constructions.
  3. Clarity and Coherence: Ensure that each sentence contributes to the overall clarity and coherence of the essay. Some sentences are convoluted, and simplifying the expression could enhance the reader’s understanding.

Note: While the essay addresses the prompt and provides supporting arguments, improvement in grammatical accuracy is necessary to reach higher bands.

 

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, there is an ongoing debate about essential solutions needed to avoid sickness and diseases. Some people argue that the government should make significant efforts to improve the environment and the quality of housing. From my perspective, I agree with this viewpoint. However, in addition to this solution, people should adopt a comprehensive approach, incorporating various methods such as regular exercise, maintaining balanced eating habits, checking their health conditions frequently, and the like. My essay will outline my point of view and provide supporting arguments.

To begin with, the government should focus on improving the environment and housing because they are significant factors harming people’s health, and these issues have become increasingly serious in recent years. Environmental pollution can cause a wide range of illnesses and diseases, including headaches, impaired auditory function, lung diseases, cancer, and the like. Citizens living in urban areas, for instance, have to endure a substantial amount of emissions, exposing them to diseases related to the lungs. Additionally, housing problems, such as a lack of accommodations, inappropriate distributions, overpopulation in cities, and the like, also adversely affect the standard of living for residents. These housing issues can impose a considerable burden on residents, especially those living in cities. For example, many people lack a proper place to settle down, depriving them of the chance to adequately care for themselves and their families.

Considering the importance of the government in improving people’s health by addressing pollution and housing problems, as these issues are collective responsibilities that require efforts from individuals, the government, organizations, and the like, the government should take a leading role in implementing campaigns related to the environment and housing. If the government fails to assume this leadership role, the health conditions of the people will not improve. Specifically, authorities should organize environmental campaigns, encourage people to participate in these initiatives, provide regulatory guidance, and enforce strict penalties for those violating environmental standards. On the other hand, in addition to the crucial role of the government, achieving these goals to improve people’s health also requires efforts from individuals themselves, particularly adopting healthy eating habits, engaging in regular exercise, and avoiding unhealthy food.

In conclusion, I am convinced that to enhance people’s health conditions, the government should focus on addressing environmental pollution and housing issues. However, these goals also necessitate collective efforts from individuals and organizations.

 

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