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Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some individuals contend that governments should prioritize addressing environmental pollution and housing problems as a means to prevent illness and disease. I partially agree with this perspective because promoting health programs could prove to be an effective strategy in reducing the prevalence of illness and disease.
It is crucial to propose solutions to environmental degradation and inadequate housing conditions since many health issues are thought to be linked to these issues. The escalating number of pressing environmental and housing challenges in recent decades has emerged as a significant threat to human health. Nowadays, people are more likely to reside in polluted areas, have access to unsafe drinking water, and breathe in hazardous gas emissions regularly due to industrialization and modernization. Consequently, the public would have to endure various diseases such as respiratory diseases, heart disease, and certain types of cancer. For instance, research has shown that an estimated 12.6 million deaths each year are attributable to unhealthy environments.
In my opinion, governments should consider providing more accessible healthcare and education services to address many life-threatening health conditions. The majority of people often neglect their unhealthy eating habits or engage in insufficient physical activity, leading to a heightened risk of contracting diseases. Therefore, by disseminating information and recommending ways to maintain a healthy lifestyle, people could easily protect themselves from illnesses. Childhood obesity, for example, is on the rise in Vietnam because many children consume excessive amounts of fast food or sugary snacks without engaging in regular exercise. Hence, spreading awareness about the effects of such habits and suggesting ways to adopt a healthier diet is a commendable approach to ameliorating this situation.
In conclusion, while I acknowledge that housing and environmental issues contribute significantly to many diseases, promoting a healthy lifestyle could play a key role in decreasing this situation.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Some individuals contend" -> "Some argue"
    Explanation: Replacing "contend" with "argue" maintains formality and conciseness in academic writing. "Contend" might sound slightly informal in this context.

  2. "I partially agree with this perspective" -> "I partly agree with this viewpoint"
    Explanation: Substituting "partially" with "partly" is a more formal choice. Additionally, replacing "perspective" with "viewpoint" enhances the academic tone.

  3. "It is crucial to propose solutions" -> "It is imperative to put forth solutions"
    Explanation: Using "imperative" instead of "crucial" adds a touch of formality. Also, replacing "propose" with "put forth" aligns with a more academic style.

  4. "since many health issues are thought to be linked to these issues" -> "as many health problems are believed to be associated with these challenges"
    Explanation: The suggested changes eliminate redundancy and introduce more precise language, enhancing the academic quality of the sentence.

  5. "The escalating number of pressing environmental and housing challenges" -> "The increasing number of urgent environmental and housing challenges"
    Explanation: "Escalating" is replaced with "increasing" for a more formal tone, and "pressing" is retained for emphasis. This adjustment maintains clarity while enhancing formality.

  6. "Nowadays, people are more likely to reside" -> "Currently, individuals are more prone to inhabit"
    Explanation: Substituting "Nowadays" with "Currently" and replacing "reside" with "inhabit" contributes to a more formal and sophisticated expression of ideas.

  7. "For instance, research has shown" -> "For example, studies have demonstrated"
    Explanation: Using "For example" instead of "For instance" and changing "research has shown" to "studies have demonstrated" adds formality and precision to the sentence.

  8. "Consequently, the public would have to endure various diseases" -> "As a result, the public may be susceptible to various illnesses"
    Explanation: The suggested changes introduce a more cautious tone, avoiding the speculative nature of "would have to endure" and emphasizing the possibility of susceptibility.

  9. "In my opinion" -> "From my perspective"
    Explanation: While maintaining the same meaning, "From my perspective" is a slightly more formal expression than "In my opinion."

  10. "many life-threatening health conditions" -> "numerous life-threatening health conditions"
    Explanation: Replacing "many" with "numerous" adds precision and formality to the description of health conditions.

  11. "The majority of people often neglect" -> "Most individuals frequently overlook"
    Explanation: Substituting "neglect" with "overlook" and rephrasing the sentence contributes to a more formal and nuanced expression.

  12. "Therefore, by disseminating information" -> "Hence, by disseminating relevant information"
    Explanation: Adding "relevant" before "information" enhances precision and formality, reinforcing the importance of the information being disseminated.

  13. "Childhood obesity, for example, is on the rise in Vietnam" -> "As an illustration, childhood obesity is increasing in prevalence in Vietnam"
    Explanation: The suggested changes provide a more formal and precise description of the issue, aligning with academic writing standards.

  14. "spreading awareness about the effects of such habits" -> "raising awareness about the impact of these habits"
    Explanation: The suggested changes offer a more formal and precise expression, emphasizing the impact of habits rather than just their effects.

  15. "commendable approach to ameliorating this situation" -> "commendable strategy for alleviating this circumstance"
    Explanation: Replacing "approach" with "strategy" and "ameliorating" with "alleviating" contributes to a more formal and academically appropriate language choice.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by recognizing the importance of addressing environmental pollution and housing problems to prevent illness and disease. The writer partially agrees with the statement and discusses the significance of health programs in conjunction with solutions to environmental and housing challenges.
    • How to improve: While the essay acknowledges the importance of health programs, there is room to strengthen the discussion on how these programs specifically relate to preventing illness and disease. A more explicit connection between healthcare services and the prevention of diseases linked to environmental and housing issues would enhance the completeness of the response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a consistent position by partially agreeing with the idea that governments should prioritize environmental and housing issues to prevent illness and disease. The stance is clear throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To further enhance clarity, the writer could consider explicitly stating their position in the introduction and conclusion. Additionally, reinforcing the stance in each body paragraph would reinforce consistency.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and develops ideas effectively. It discusses the link between environmental pollution, housing problems, and health issues. Specific examples, such as the impact of pollution on respiratory diseases and the rise of childhood obesity, are provided to support the argument.
    • How to improve: While the examples are relevant, expanding on the healthcare and education services proposed to address health conditions could strengthen the essay. Providing more depth on how these services would directly impact and mitigate diseases related to environmental and housing challenges would add substance.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, discussing the interconnectedness of environmental pollution, housing problems, and health. However, there is a slight deviation in the third paragraph, where the focus shifts to unhealthy lifestyle choices and childhood obesity.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, it would be beneficial to connect the discussion on lifestyle choices more explicitly to the prevention of diseases related to environmental and housing issues. This ensures all points directly contribute to the central theme.

Overall, the essay provides a solid response to the prompt, meeting the criteria for a Band Score of 6. Improvements can be made by strengthening the explicit connection between healthcare services and disease prevention, reinforcing the stance in each paragraph, adding depth to proposed solutions, and ensuring all content directly contributes to the main topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. It begins with a clear introduction presenting the author’s stance, followed by body paragraphs that elaborate on the importance of addressing environmental pollution and housing problems to prevent diseases. The use of examples and statistics adds weight to the argument. However, there is a slight lack of clarity in the third paragraph where the transition between discussing environmental and housing issues and promoting healthcare and education services could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider a more explicit transition in the third paragraph. Clearly connect the discussion of environmental and housing issues to the proposed solution of healthcare and education services. This can be achieved through the use of transitional phrases or sentences that guide the reader through the shift in focus.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is adequately paragraphed, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence. However, the second paragraph is quite lengthy and covers various points related to environmental and housing challenges. Breaking it down into smaller, focused paragraphs could improve readability and organization.
    • How to improve: Consider breaking down the second paragraph into smaller paragraphs, each addressing a specific subtopic, such as environmental challenges and housing conditions. This will create a more structured and reader-friendly presentation.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "consequently," "for instance," "in conclusion"), which contribute to the overall coherence. However, there is room for improvement in the use of more diverse cohesive devices, such as pronouns and parallel structures, to strengthen the connections between sentences and ideas.
    • How to improve: Introduce a greater variety of cohesive devices, including pronouns (e.g., "this," "these") and parallel structures. This will create a smoother flow between sentences and reinforce the relationships between ideas. Additionally, pay attention to the consistent use of cohesive devices throughout the essay to maintain coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion. By addressing the specific suggestions for improvement, particularly in enhancing the logical transition in the third paragraph, restructuring the second paragraph for better paragraphing, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay has the potential to achieve an even higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied terms related to health, environmental issues, and housing problems. However, some repetition occurs, and certain words are used in a general sense without providing specific details.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more precise and context-specific terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "health issues," try employing specific conditions like "respiratory ailments," "cardiovascular disorders," etc. Additionally, aim for more intricate vocabulary related to environmental concerns and housing problems.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with reasonable precision. However, there are instances where terms like "health programs" and "life-threatening health conditions" are somewhat generic. The essay could benefit from employing more nuanced language to precisely convey the intended meaning.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, choose words that precisely convey the intended message. For example, instead of "health programs," consider specifying programs related to disease prevention, public health initiatives, or healthcare accessibility. This will make the essay more refined and precise.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling is mostly accurate throughout the essay. There are no major spelling errors that significantly impact comprehension. However, there are a few instances where words could be misspelled due to a lack of complexity, such as "heightened" instead of "elevated."
    • How to improve: Continue maintaining a high level of spelling accuracy. To further improve, pay attention to the complexity of words and ensure correct usage, especially when selecting synonyms. Use a variety of vocabulary, and double-check spellings to avoid minor errors that might slightly affect the overall impression of language proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory variety of sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are used appropriately throughout the essay. For example, the author employs complex sentences when discussing the consequences of environmental and housing challenges on public health. However, there is room for improvement in the use of more sophisticated structures, such as inverted sentences or conditional constructions, to add complexity and nuance to the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating inverted sentences or conditional constructions where applicable. For instance, in the argument supporting the role of governments in providing healthcare, you can introduce conditional sentences to emphasize the potential impact of accessible healthcare on preventing diseases.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a good command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances where minor errors occur. For example, in the sentence, "Therefore, by disseminating information and recommending ways to maintain a healthy lifestyle, people could easily protect themselves from illnesses," the placement of the comma after "lifestyle" is unnecessary. Additionally, there are a few instances where sentence structures could be streamlined for clarity.
    • How to improve: Pay attention to unnecessary commas and streamline sentence structures for clarity. In the aforementioned sentence, removing the comma after "lifestyle" would improve the flow. Additionally, consider revising sentences that may be overly complex to ensure clarity without sacrificing depth of thought. Careful proofreading can help identify and correct minor grammatical errors.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable grasp of grammatical structures and punctuation. To achieve a higher score, focus on introducing more varied sentence structures and refining the use of punctuation for greater precision and clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some argue that governments should prioritize addressing environmental pollution and housing problems to prevent illness and disease. I partly agree with this viewpoint because promoting health programs could be an effective strategy in reducing the prevalence of illness and disease.

It is imperative to put forth solutions to environmental degradation and inadequate housing conditions, as many health problems are believed to be associated with these challenges. The increasing number of urgent environmental and housing challenges in recent decades has become a significant threat to human health. Currently, individuals are more prone to inhabit polluted areas, have access to unsafe drinking water, and regularly breathe in hazardous gas emissions due to industrialization and modernization. As a result, the public may be susceptible to various illnesses, such as respiratory diseases, heart disease, and certain types of cancer. For example, studies have demonstrated that an estimated 12.6 million deaths each year are attributable to unhealthy environments.

From my perspective, governments should consider providing more accessible healthcare and education services to address numerous life-threatening health conditions. Most individuals frequently overlook their unhealthy eating habits or engage in insufficient physical activity, leading to a heightened risk of contracting diseases. Hence, by disseminating relevant information and recommending ways to maintain a healthy lifestyle, people could easily protect themselves from illnesses. As an illustration, childhood obesity is increasing in prevalence in Vietnam because many children consume excessive amounts of fast food or sugary snacks without engaging in regular exercise. Raising awareness about the impact of these habits and suggesting ways to adopt a healthier diet is a commendable strategy for alleviating this circumstance.

In conclusion, while I acknowledge that housing and environmental issues contribute significantly to many diseases, promoting a healthy lifestyle could play a key role in decreasing this situation.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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