Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is strongly believed by some that governments should pay more attention to addressing environmental pollution and housing issues in order to prevent illness and disease. I totally agree with this aspect as well since there are various factors and aftermath contributing to these problems.

In fact, polluted areas are often seen as the root cause of severe infectious diseases so governments should take action to improve the alarming contamination. To be specific, most of the polluted zones are industrial cities where individuals commute on their own private vehicles contributing to the seriousness of air pollution with exhaust fumes. Additionally, it spreads some respiratory diseases such as lung cancer and pneumonia which leads to many cases of death all over the world. In other words, with governments’ help, the environment will get better.

Nevertheless, deadly illnesses are also believed to be spread by housing issues. For example, homeless people who do not have a proper place to live would eventually pollute the environment around their stay. In order to cease this problem, the government should take the responsibility to enhance their quality of life by giving them a job to earn fixed income. Moreover, citizens may also lend a hand to give the homeless the opportunities to change their fates such as donating or raising funds. Those gestures not only do something about the pollution but also strengthen the social connection.

In conclusion, it is urgent for governments to take action and invest in reducing contaminated atmosphere and housing issues so as to address illness and disease.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "It is strongly believed by some" -> "It is widely acknowledged that"
   Explanation: "It is widely acknowledged that" is a more formal and precise way to introduce a general opinion, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

2. "I totally agree with this aspect as well" -> "I concur with this perspective"
   Explanation: "I concur with this perspective" is more formal and academically appropriate than "I totally agree," which is somewhat colloquial and emphatic.

3. "there are various factors and aftermath contributing to these problems" -> "there are numerous factors contributing to these issues"
   Explanation: "Numerous factors" is more precise and formal than "various factors," and "issues" is preferred over "problems" in academic writing for its neutrality and specificity.

4. "alarming contamination" -> "serious pollution"
   Explanation: "Serious pollution" is a more accurate and commonly used term in academic contexts than "alarming contamination," which is vague and less formal.

5. "industrial cities where individuals commute on their own private vehicles" -> "industrial cities where private vehicle use is prevalent"
   Explanation: "Private vehicle use is prevalent" is more concise and formal, avoiding the redundancy of "on their own private vehicles."

6. "the seriousness of air pollution with exhaust fumes" -> "the severity of air pollution caused by exhaust fumes"
   Explanation: "The severity of air pollution caused by exhaust fumes" is more precise and correctly attributes the cause of pollution, improving clarity and formality.

7. "spreads some respiratory diseases" -> "transmits various respiratory diseases"
   Explanation: "Transmits" is a more precise term in medical contexts than "spreads," and "various" is more specific than "some," enhancing the academic tone.

8. "leads to many cases of death all over the world" -> "results in numerous fatalities globally"
   Explanation: "Results in numerous fatalities globally" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial "cases of death" and broadening the geographical scope.

9. "the environment will get better" -> "the environment will improve"
   Explanation: "Will improve" is a more formal and academically appropriate verb choice than "will get better," which is informal and conversational.

10. "deadly illnesses are also believed to be spread by housing issues" -> "fatal illnesses are also attributed to housing issues"
    Explanation: "Attributed to" is a more precise and formal way to express causality in academic writing than "believed to be spread by," which is less direct and less formal.

11. "homeless people who do not have a proper place to live would eventually pollute the environment around their stay" -> "homeless individuals without proper housing may ultimately contribute to environmental pollution"
    Explanation: "Homeless individuals without proper housing may ultimately contribute to environmental pollution" is more formal and avoids the assumption that they directly pollute the environment, which is a more nuanced and accurate description.

12. "the government should take the responsibility to enhance their quality of life" -> "the government should assume responsibility for improving their quality of life"
    Explanation: "Assume responsibility for improving" is more formal and precise, aligning better with the academic style of assuming responsibility for actions.

13. "citizens may also lend a hand to give the homeless the opportunities to change their fates" -> "citizens may also contribute to providing opportunities for the homeless to improve their circumstances"
    Explanation: "Contribute to providing opportunities for the homeless to improve their circumstances" is more formal and avoids the colloquial "lend a hand," which is informal and vague.

14. "do something about the pollution" -> "address the pollution"
    Explanation: "Address the pollution" is a more formal and precise term than "do something about the pollution," which is too casual for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both environmental pollution and housing issues as factors contributing to illness and disease. The writer clearly states their agreement with the notion that governments should focus on these areas. The introduction sets the stage for the argument, and the body paragraphs provide relevant examples that link pollution and housing to health concerns. However, while the essay acknowledges both aspects, it could benefit from a more nuanced discussion on the extent of agreement, particularly by exploring potential counterarguments or alternative solutions.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could explicitly state the extent of their agreement in the introduction, perhaps indicating whether they believe these issues are the primary causes of illness or if other factors should also be considered. Including a brief mention of opposing views or acknowledging the complexity of the issue would strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The position is clear and consistent throughout the essay, with the writer firmly advocating for government intervention in pollution and housing issues. Phrases like "I totally agree with this aspect" establish a strong stance. However, the essay could be improved by reinforcing this position in the conclusion, ensuring that the final statement resonates with the argument presented.
  • How to improve: To maintain clarity, the writer should reiterate their position in the conclusion, summarizing the key points made in the body paragraphs. Additionally, using transitional phrases can help guide the reader through the argument, ensuring that the position remains evident at all times.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas, such as the link between pollution and respiratory diseases, and the impact of housing issues on public health. These ideas are supported with examples, such as the mention of industrial cities and the plight of homeless individuals. However, some points could be further elaborated. For instance, while the mention of respiratory diseases is relevant, additional statistics or studies could provide stronger support for the claims made.
  • How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should consider incorporating more detailed examples or data to substantiate their claims. This could include statistics on health outcomes related to pollution or specific case studies of successful government interventions. Additionally, expanding on the social implications of housing issues could provide a more comprehensive view.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic, discussing relevant issues related to pollution and housing. However, the mention of citizens’ roles in helping the homeless, while relevant, slightly diverts from the main argument about government responsibility. This could confuse the reader about the primary focus of the essay.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly support the central argument about government intervention. While discussing community involvement is valuable, it should be framed in a way that emphasizes how it complements government action rather than shifting the focus away from it.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance on the issue, asserting that governments should prioritize environmental pollution and housing problems to prevent illness and disease. The introduction effectively sets the context, and the body paragraphs are organized around two main points: the impact of pollution on health and the effects of housing issues. However, the transition between these points could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing pollution to housing issues feels abrupt, lacking a clear linking sentence that ties the two ideas together.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that connect the ideas more explicitly. For example, after discussing pollution, a sentence like "In addition to pollution, housing issues also play a critical role in public health" could create a more seamless transition. Structuring the essay with clear topic sentences for each paragraph can also help guide the reader through the argument.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic and the writer’s position, while the subsequent paragraphs delve into specific examples. However, the second paragraph could benefit from a clearer topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea before providing supporting details. Additionally, the conclusion, while summarizing the main points, could be more impactful with a stronger closing statement.
  • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. For instance, in the second paragraph, a sentence like "Environmental pollution is a significant contributor to public health crises" would clarify the focus. In the conclusion, consider reiterating the importance of the government’s role in a more compelling way, perhaps by suggesting specific actions they could take.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "In fact," "To be specific," and "Moreover," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "In other words" is used, but it could be more effectively replaced with a device that emphasizes cause and effect or contrast, such as "Consequently" or "On the other hand."
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, using "Furthermore" to add information or "However" to introduce a contrasting idea can enhance the essay’s cohesiveness. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to clarify relationships between ideas, rather than simply as fillers.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, refining transitions, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will elevate the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "polluted areas," "infectious diseases," and "respiratory diseases." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "governments should take action" and "housing issues," which appear multiple times without variation. This limits the overall impression of lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "pollution," you could use "contamination," "environmental degradation," or "toxic waste." Additionally, incorporating more varied expressions for "governments should take action" could enhance the essay’s sophistication. Phrases like "government intervention is necessary" or "authorities must prioritize" could be effective alternatives.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the seriousness of air pollution with exhaust fumes" could be clearer. The term "seriousness" is vague and does not convey the specific implications or consequences of air pollution effectively. Additionally, "the alarming contamination" lacks specificity regarding what type of contamination is being referred to.
  • How to improve: Aim for more precise vocabulary that conveys specific meanings. Instead of "seriousness," consider using "severity" or "impact." Clarifying what kind of "contamination" you are referring to (e.g., "airborne pollutants" or "industrial waste") would also improve precision. Using contextually appropriate terms will enhance the clarity and effectiveness of your arguments.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with no significant errors that impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as "governments’ help," which should be "government’s help" if referring to a singular entity or "governments’ help" if referring to multiple entities.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider proofreading your work carefully. Utilize tools such as spell checkers or grammar-checking software to catch minor errors. Additionally, practicing spelling of commonly used academic vocabulary can help solidify your spelling skills.

Overall, while the essay meets the basic requirements for lexical resource, focusing on expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision, and ensuring spelling accuracy will help elevate the score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "In fact, polluted areas are often seen as the root cause" and "In order to cease this problem, the government should take the responsibility" showcases an understanding of varied sentence forms. However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be more sophisticated. For example, the sentence "To be specific, most of the polluted zones are industrial cities where individuals commute on their own private vehicles contributing to the seriousness of air pollution with exhaust fumes" is lengthy and could benefit from clearer segmentation for better readability.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "the government should take the responsibility," you could say, "the government, recognizing the urgency of the situation, should take responsibility." Additionally, varying the use of introductory phrases and transition words can help create a more dynamic flow in the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are a few errors that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "governments’ help" should be "government’s help" to indicate singular possession. Additionally, the sentence "Moreover, citizens may also lend a hand to give the homeless the opportunities to change their fates such as donating or raising funds" could be clearer with better punctuation; a comma before "such as" would improve readability. The use of commas in complex sentences is sometimes inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow of ideas.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread for common errors, such as possessive forms and punctuation placement. Practicing sentence diagramming can also help in understanding where commas are necessary. Additionally, consider using grammar-checking tools to identify and correct errors before finalizing the essay. Engaging in exercises that focus on punctuation rules, especially for complex sentences, will further solidify your skills.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on the suggestions provided can help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely acknowledged that governments should pay more attention to addressing environmental pollution and housing issues in order to prevent illness and disease. I concur with this perspective, as there are numerous factors contributing to these problems.

In fact, polluted areas are often seen as the root cause of serious infectious diseases, so governments should take action to improve the alarming levels of contamination. Specifically, most of the polluted zones are industrial cities where private vehicle use is prevalent, contributing to the severity of air pollution caused by exhaust fumes. Additionally, this pollution transmits various respiratory diseases, such as lung cancer and pneumonia, which results in numerous fatalities globally. In other words, with government intervention, the environment will improve.

Nevertheless, fatal illnesses are also attributed to housing issues. For example, homeless individuals without proper housing may ultimately contribute to environmental pollution in their surroundings. To address this problem, the government should assume responsibility for improving their quality of life by providing them with job opportunities to earn a stable income. Moreover, citizens may also contribute by offering the homeless opportunities to improve their circumstances, such as donating or raising funds. These gestures not only help to mitigate pollution but also strengthen social connections.

In conclusion, it is urgent for governments to take action and invest in reducing environmental pollution and addressing housing issues to effectively combat illness and disease.