Some people say that what children watch on television influences their behavior, while others say the amount of time children spend watching television influences their behavior. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

With the development of television in the previous years, more and more children are able to approach this type of technology. Some individuals claim that the content on television is responsible for the changes of children’s behavior, while some other people believe that children’s changes of behavior is depended on the amount of time they spending on watching television.
On the one hand, it is true that what children watch is possible to affect their manner. Due to being at a very young age, children’s brain is still developing which therefore make them tend to study everything they saw. For instance, a kid will try to mimic the roar from a monster in a movie they saw. According to some researches, this behavior is mostly because something as impactful as a monster’s roar effectively impress the children, which lead to their mimicking. With that example being introduced, it is not wrong to consider that children is surely affected by the content they watch and the wrong choice of content is able to negatively impact the children.
On the other hand, it is undeniable that the frequency of watching television is also the reason for the changing of children’s altitude. Explaining for this, watching television all day means that children do not have a chance to go outside and meet their friends, as a consequence, they are extremely lonely which will easily lead to autism or depression at a very young age. The reasons for this excessive frequency of watching television is various, it is possibly because of lack of social relationship or addiction. For example, a child who being isolated by his friends tend to watch television more often, since he is extremely lonely that he chooses television as his only way to feel better. With that being said, frequency of watching television is definitely affected children’s behavior.
In conclusion, what children watch on television and the amount of time they watch are both responsible for children’s change of manner. In my view, both problems have negative effect to children, therefore, their parents should look after their kids so as to prevent further serious issues.

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Errors and Improvements:

"more and more children are able to approach this type of technology" -> "an increasing number of children have access to this form of technology"
Explanation: "Approach" is not the most precise term here. "Access" better conveys the idea of children being able to use or interact with television. Additionally, "this type of technology" can be replaced with "this form of technology" for clarity and formality.
"Some individuals claim that" -> "Some argue that"
Explanation: "Claim" can sound slightly informal in an academic context. "Argue" is a more neutral and academic term.
"some other people" -> "others"
Explanation: "Some other people" is somewhat redundant and can be simplified to "others" for conciseness.
"children’s changes of behavior is depended on" -> "children’s behavior changes depend on"
Explanation: The original phrasing is grammatically incorrect. By rephrasing, the sentence becomes grammatically accurate and clearer.
"watch is possible to affect" -> "watch can potentially affect"
Explanation: "Is possible to" is a bit awkward. "Can potentially affect" is a more natural and precise phrasing.
"Due to being at a very young age" -> "Due to their young age"
Explanation: "Being at a very young age" is overly wordy. Simplifying to "their young age" maintains clarity and conciseness.
"which therefore make them tend to study everything they saw" -> "which consequently inclines them to imitate what they see"
Explanation: "Tend to study everything they saw" is not the most accurate expression. "Inclines them to imitate what they see" better captures the intended meaning.
"According to some researches" -> "According to some research"
Explanation: "Researches" should be singular when referring to a body of scientific investigation.
"because something as impactful as a monster’s roar effectively impress the children" -> "because something as impactful as a monster’s roar leaves a strong impression on children"
Explanation: "Effectively impress" is slightly awkward. "Leaves a strong impression on children" is a clearer and more concise alternative.
"With that example being introduced" -> "With that example in mind"
Explanation: "Being introduced" is redundant. "In mind" conveys the idea more succinctly.
"it is not wrong to consider that children is surely affected" -> "it is reasonable to conclude that children are indeed affected"
Explanation: "Is not wrong to consider" is a bit convoluted. "Reasonable to conclude" is more direct. Also, "children is" should be corrected to "children are."
"altitude" -> "attitude"
Explanation: "Altitude" refers to height above sea level, while "attitude" refers to a settled way of thinking or feeling about something.
"Explaining for this" -> "This can be explained by"
Explanation: "Explaining for this" is grammatically incorrect. "This can be explained by" is a more appropriate phrase.
"all day means" -> "all day means that"
Explanation: Inserting "that" clarifies the relationship between the previous clause and the consequence described.
"meet their friends" -> "socialize with their friends"
Explanation: "Meet" can be too simplistic in this context. "Socialize with" conveys a broader range of interactions.
"which will easily lead to autism or depression at a very young age" -> "potentially leading to autism or depression in early childhood"
Explanation: "Will easily lead to" is overly definitive. "Potentially leading to" is more cautious and precise. Additionally, "at a very young age" can be replaced with "in early childhood" for smoother flow.
"The reasons for this excessive frequency of watching television is various" -> "Various factors contribute to this excessive television viewing"
Explanation: The original sentence lacks subject-verb agreement. "Is" should be "are." The suggested revision also provides a clearer and more concise expression.
"because of lack of social relationship" -> "due to a lack of social relationships"
Explanation: "Lack of social relationship" should be pluralized to "relationships." Also, "because of" can be replaced with "due to" for a more formal tone.
"With that being said" -> "That being said"
Explanation: "With that being said" is a bit informal. "That being said" maintains the transition while sounding more formal.
"In my view" -> "From my perspective"
Explanation: "In my view" is somewhat informal. "From my perspective" is a more academic expression.
"both problems have negative effect to children" -> "both issues have negative effects on children"
Explanation: "Negative effect to children" should be corrected to "negative effects on children" for grammatical accuracy. Additionally, "issues" is a more precise term than "problems" in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing how both the content watched and the time spent watching television influence children’s behavior. It acknowledges the impact of content by illustrating how children mimic behaviors they see on TV and presents the influence of excessive TV time on social development and mental health.
- How to improve: While the essay covers both parts of the question, a more nuanced exploration of the interplay between content and time spent watching TV could enhance the depth of analysis. Additionally, providing more specific examples or citing relevant studies would strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that both the content and the amount of time spent watching television influence children’s behavior. This position is consistently supported throughout the essay, with arguments presented for both aspects and a final opinion provided.
- How to improve: To further enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly state the author’s opinion earlier in the essay, perhaps in the introduction or as a thesis statement. This would guide the reader more clearly through the author’s stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas regarding the influence of TV content and time on children’s behavior. It offers examples, such as mimicking behaviors from TV shows and the impact of excessive TV time on social interaction and mental health. However, some ideas could be further developed, and additional evidence or analysis could strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To extend ideas, the essay could delve deeper into the psychological mechanisms behind children’s imitation of TV behaviors or explore specific case studies that demonstrate the negative effects of excessive TV time on children’s development.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, discussing the influence of television content and time on children’s behavior as prompted. However, there are minor instances where the connection between ideas could be clearer.
- How to improve: To improve coherence, the essay could use transition phrases or sentences to guide the reader between points more smoothly. Additionally, ensuring that every point directly relates to the main topic would enhance relevance and clarity.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a coherent argument, there is room for improvement in providing more detailed analysis, strengthening supporting evidence, and enhancing clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with separate paragraphs addressing each viewpoint and a concluding paragraph summarizing both perspectives. However, there is room for improvement in the logical flow within paragraphs. For example, the transition between discussing the influence of content on behavior to the influence of television watching frequency on behavior could be smoother.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph follows a clear progression of ideas. Start with a topic sentence that introduces the main point of the paragraph, provide supporting evidence or examples, and conclude with a sentence that ties back to the main idea or transitions to the next point. Consider using transition words or phrases to link ideas between paragraphs for a more cohesive flow.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, which is essential for clarity and organization. However, some paragraphs could be more focused. For instance, the paragraph discussing the influence of television content on behavior could be divided into two separate paragraphs to address different aspects more effectively.
- How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that encapsulates its main idea. Divide longer paragraphs into smaller ones if they cover multiple ideas. Aim for unity within paragraphs, focusing on one main point or aspect of the argument per paragraph. This will improve readability and coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes some cohesive devices, such as transitions like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which help guide the reader through the discussion of opposing viewpoints. However, there is limited variety and consistency in the use of cohesive devices throughout the essay.
- How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used to connect ideas and improve coherence. Incorporate a wider range of transitional phrases such as "moreover," "furthermore," "in addition," and "however" to provide smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to maintain coherence and clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary. There is evidence of varied word choice throughout the essay, such as "development" instead of "growth," "manner" instead of "behavior," and "altitude" instead of "attitude." However, there is room for improvement in terms of depth and precision. For instance, while the essay addresses the topic adequately, it could benefit from incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary to enhance the depth of analysis.
- How to improve: To improve the range of vocabulary, strive to incorporate more diverse and nuanced terminology. Instead of using common phrases like "very young age," consider alternatives like "tender age" or "early developmental stage." Additionally, aim to include domain-specific vocabulary related to child psychology or media influence to enrich the content.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with reasonable precision, but there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the term "altitude" is incorrectly used instead of "attitude," and "autism" is mentioned inaccurately in the context of excessive television watching leading to autism, which is not supported by current research. While the essay attempts to convey meaning effectively, refining the selection and usage of vocabulary could enhance clarity and accuracy.
- How to improve: To enhance precision in vocabulary usage, ensure that each word chosen accurately reflects the intended meaning. Consider consulting a thesaurus or specialized dictionaries to find more precise synonyms. Additionally, verify the accuracy of terms used, especially when discussing sensitive topics like mental health, by consulting credible sources and research studies.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally satisfactory, with no major spelling errors detected. However, there are minor issues such as "altitude" instead of "attitude" and occasional typographical errors like "children is" instead of "children are." While these errors do not significantly detract from comprehension, improving spelling consistency can enhance the overall professionalism and readability of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools to identify and correct errors. Additionally, proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help catch any overlooked mistakes. Developing a habit of reviewing spelling rules and common word patterns can also contribute to enhancing spelling proficiency over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple and some complex sentences. For instance, there are examples of complex sentences using subordinate clauses ("Due to being at a very young age, children’s brain is still developing which therefore make them tend to study everything they saw"). However, the variety could be enhanced further by incorporating more compound-complex sentences and varied sentence beginnings to improve flow and coherence.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, aim to include more compound-complex sentences that combine independent and dependent clauses. Vary sentence beginnings to avoid repetition and enhance readability. For example, instead of starting most sentences with "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," introduce variety by using phrases like "Additionally," "Moreover," or "Conversely."
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays generally accurate grammar, but there are instances where errors impact clarity and coherence. For example, "children’s changes of behavior is depended on" should be corrected to "children’s changes in behavior depend on." There are also punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences ("watching television all day means that children do not have a chance to go outside and meet their friends, as a consequence, they are extremely lonely").
- How to improve: Focus on mastering subject-verb agreement to avoid errors like "children’s changes of behavior is." Use commas correctly in complex sentences to improve readability and clarify meaning. Proofread for punctuation errors to ensure sentences are correctly structured and punctuated, which will enhance overall coherence and fluency.

In addressing these suggestions, the essay can improve both its structural variety and grammatical accuracy, which are essential for achieving a higher band score in IELTS Task 2 writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

With the advancement of television technology in recent years, an increasing number of children have access to this form of technology. Some argue that the content children watch on television influences their behavior, while others contend that the amount of time children spend watching television affects their behavior.

On one hand, it is evident that the content children are exposed to can impact their behavior. Since children’s brains are still developing, they are prone to imitating what they see. For example, a child may mimic the roar of a monster from a movie. Research suggests that children are easily influenced by impactful stimuli such as monster roars, leading to imitation. Therefore, it is reasonable to believe that the content children consume can have a significant effect on their behavior, and exposure to inappropriate content may have negative consequences.

On the other hand, the frequency of television viewing also plays a role in shaping children’s behavior. Spending excessive time watching television can limit children’s opportunities for social interaction and outdoor activities, leading to feelings of loneliness, which in turn can contribute to conditions like depression or autism. This excessive television viewing may stem from various factors such as social isolation or addiction. For instance, a child who feels isolated from peers may turn to television as a means of alleviating loneliness. Thus, the amount of time spent watching television can indeed impact children’s behavior.

In conclusion, both the content children watch on television and the duration of their viewing habits contribute to changes in their behavior. In my opinion, both factors have negative effects on children. Therefore, it is crucial for parents to monitor their children’s television habits to prevent potential behavioral issues.