SOME PEOPLE SAY THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD FOCUS MORE ON ENVIRONMENTAL POLLUTION AND HOUSING PROBLEMS TO PREVENT SICKNESS AND DISEASES FOR CITIZENS. TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

Some individuals are of the opinion that in order to prevent the maladies, environmental pollution and housing problems should be prioritized. While acknowledging certain merits of this proposal, I am convinced that it should be accompanied by more comprehensive approaches.

Admittedly, it is true that addressing pollution might have a profound impact on protecting people from diseases. This is because polluted air, water, and soil are the main problems in today’s world, which can lead to various health problems, cardiovascular diseases, or even cancer. Therefore, individuals’ health could be strengthened through stricter regulations on emissions and waste management. Furthermore, inadequate housing conditions are also a contributory cause to illness. For example, overcrowding, dampness, or lack of sanitation facilities can contribute to the spread of infectious diseases. Therefore, it is essential to tackle this problem to enhance housing quality by ensuring access to affordable, safe, and healthy housing. Thereby, overall well-being and reducing the risk of illnesses could be improved.

Nevertheless, saying that addressing solely environmental pollution and housing issues can bring about effective implications is overly simplistic, overlooking the significance of other approaches. The primary rationale for this is that solving environmental problems might be a premise for sickness prevention. The core is that medical facilities should be profoundly strengthened to ensure citizens’ accessibility. This is because when healthcare services are more affordable, people can prevent and manage diseases effectively through advanced medical facilities, including preventive care, vaccinations and screenings, as well as treatment for chronic conditions. Moreover, in order to prevent infectious diseases, education should not be neglected. This is because promoting public health education campaigns can raise awareness about healthy lifestyle choices, disease prevention, and the importance of regular screenings and vaccinations, which can significantly reduce the risk of many diseases.

In conclusion, addressing environmental pollution and housing problems do bring benefits in certain respects of disease prevention. However, I strongly believe that it should be combined with other ideas to become a holistic approach.

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Errors and Improvements:

"Some individuals are of the opinion" -> "Some individuals argue"
Explanation: "Some individuals argue" is a more concise and formal expression commonly used in academic writing, aligning with the tone of the essay.
"in order to prevent the maladies" -> "to mitigate the maladies"
Explanation: "Mitigate" is a more sophisticated alternative to "prevent" and better suited for formal writing, conveying the idea of lessening or alleviating the effects of the maladies.
"should be prioritized" -> "should take precedence"
Explanation: "Should take precedence" is a formal phrase that suggests something being given greater importance or urgency, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"acknowledging certain merits of this proposal" -> "acknowledging certain advantages of this proposition"
Explanation: "Proposal" is replaced with "proposition" for greater formality, while "advantages" is preferred over "merits" in academic writing for clearer articulation.
"might have a profound impact on protecting people" -> "could significantly contribute to safeguarding individuals"
Explanation: "Could significantly contribute to safeguarding individuals" provides a more precise and formal expression, avoiding the colloquial tone of "might have a profound impact on protecting people."
"the main problems in today’s world" -> "significant challenges prevalent in contemporary society"
Explanation: "Significant challenges prevalent in contemporary society" offers a more formal and nuanced description, replacing the colloquial "main problems" with a more academic phrase.
"overcrowding, dampness, or lack of sanitation facilities" -> "overcrowding, dampness, or inadequate sanitation facilities"
Explanation: "Inadequate sanitation facilities" is a more precise and formal term, enhancing the clarity and formality of the sentence.
"can bring about effective implications" -> "can yield effective outcomes"
Explanation: "Yield effective outcomes" is a more formal and precise phrase than "bring about effective implications," fitting better with academic writing conventions.
"might be a premise for sickness prevention" -> "may serve as a foundation for disease prevention"
Explanation: "May serve as a foundation for disease prevention" offers a more formal and specific expression, replacing the ambiguous "premise" with a clearer term.
"medical facilities should be profoundly strengthened" -> "healthcare infrastructure should be significantly bolstered"
Explanation: "Healthcare infrastructure should be significantly bolstered" is a more formal and specific phrase, conveying the idea of substantial improvement in healthcare resources.
"When healthcare services are more affordable" -> "Enhanced affordability of healthcare services"
Explanation: Restructuring the phrase to "Enhanced affordability of healthcare services" offers a more formal and concise expression, eliminating unnecessary wording.
"promoting public health education campaigns" -> "advocating for public health education initiatives"
Explanation: "Advocating for public health education initiatives" is a more formal and precise term, conveying the idea of actively supporting or endorsing such campaigns.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the prompt by discussing both environmental pollution and housing problems as factors influencing public health. It acknowledges the importance of these issues in preventing sickness and diseases.
- How to improve: To further enhance the response, consider providing more explicit connections between the proposed solutions and their direct impact on preventing sickness and diseases. Additionally, ensure that every aspect of the prompt is thoroughly explored and discussed to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that while addressing environmental pollution and housing problems is important for disease prevention, it advocates for a more comprehensive approach that includes other factors such as healthcare accessibility and public health education.
- How to improve: To strengthen clarity, consistently reinforce the stance throughout the essay, perhaps by explicitly stating the main argument in the introduction and reinforcing it in each body paragraph. Additionally, ensure that all examples and evidence provided align with the chosen position to avoid any ambiguity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas related to environmental pollution, housing problems, healthcare accessibility, and public health education. It extends these ideas with examples and explanations, supporting the argument for a comprehensive approach to disease prevention.
- How to improve: To further enhance idea presentation and development, consider offering more nuanced examples or statistics to illustrate the impact of environmental pollution and housing problems on public health. Additionally, ensure that each idea is elaborated upon sufficiently to provide a comprehensive understanding for the reader.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by focusing on the relationship between environmental pollution, housing problems, and disease prevention. However, it briefly touches upon broader healthcare accessibility and public health education, which, while related, could be seen as slight deviations from the main focus.
- How to improve: To maintain a sharper focus on the topic, ensure that any additional points or arguments introduced directly support the main discussion on environmental pollution, housing problems, and their impact on preventing sickness and diseases. Avoid straying too far into unrelated topics to maintain coherence and relevance.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear and logical organization of information. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument, starting with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance, followed by body paragraphs that elaborate on different dimensions of the issue, and concluding with a succinct summary. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the impact of pollution on health, followed by the effects of inadequate housing conditions, while the subsequent paragraph explores alternative approaches to disease prevention.
- How to improve: While the logical organization is generally effective, there’s room for improvement in the transition between paragraphs to enhance coherence further. Using transitional phrases or sentences at the beginning or end of paragraphs can help smoothly guide the reader through the essay’s progression of ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to structure the discussion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, maintaining coherence within and between paragraphs. Sentences within paragraphs are logically connected, contributing to the overall clarity of the essay’s presentation.
- How to improve: To further enhance paragraphing, consider ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that previews the main idea of the paragraph. This practice can help readers quickly grasp the central point of each section and maintain engagement throughout the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and create coherence. Transition words and phrases such as "while acknowledging," "furthermore," "nevertheless," and "in conclusion" are effectively used to indicate relationships between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, pronouns and demonstrative adjectives are utilized to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, reinforcing coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance cohesion further, consider incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices, including synonyms for commonly used transitional phrases. This can add variety to the essay’s language and strengthen the connections between ideas. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to maintain coherence from beginning to end.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with varied lexical choices contributing to the overall richness of expression. For instance, phrases like "maladies," "profound impact," "contributory cause," and "holistic approach" showcase a sophisticated grasp of vocabulary. Additionally, specific terminology such as "preventive care," "vaccinations and screenings," and "chronic conditions" adds depth to the discussion on healthcare.
- How to improve: While the essay effectively employs a diverse vocabulary, incorporating more domain-specific terminology related to environmental science and public health could further enhance lexical resource. For instance, terms like "particulate matter," "biodegradable," "urban planning," or "epidemiology" could be utilized to provide more precise and nuanced descriptions, particularly when discussing environmental pollution and healthcare strategies.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary, with precise usage evident in phrases like "stricter regulations on emissions," "affordable, safe, and healthy housing," and "public health education campaigns." These terms accurately convey the intended meaning and contribute to the clarity of expression.
- How to improve: To further enhance precision, ensure consistency in the usage of technical terms and avoid vague or ambiguous language. For example, instead of using broad terms like "medical facilities," specifying with terms like "primary care centers," "specialized clinics," or "hospital infrastructure" would provide greater clarity and specificity, thereby strengthening the precision of vocabulary.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy throughout, with no noticeable errors detracting from comprehension. Complex words and technical terminology are spelled correctly, contributing to the professionalism and credibility of the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain spelling accuracy, continue to practice proofreading techniques and utilize spell-checking tools to identify and correct any inadvertent errors. Additionally, developing a habit of reviewing written work systematically before submission can help catch any potential spelling mistakes and ensure overall linguistic accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, it employs conditional sentences ("While acknowledging certain merits…"), cause-effect structures ("This is because polluted air, water, and soil…"), and examples ("For example, overcrowding, dampness…"). These varied structures enhance coherence and demonstrate a good command of grammar.
- How to improve: To further enrich the essay’s expression, consider integrating more rhetorical devices or stylistic flourishes. Incorporating rhetorical questions, parallelism, or metaphorical language could elevate the sophistication of the writing and engage the reader more effectively.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy with minimal errors. Complex sentence structures are employed proficiently, and punctuation is generally used correctly to enhance clarity and cohesion. However, there are a few instances where minor grammatical errors occur, such as the misuse of plural forms ("the maladies" instead of "malady" or "maladies") and the occasional missing article ("a premise for sickness prevention" instead of "the premise for sickness prevention").
- How to improve: To refine grammatical accuracy further, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and consistency in verb tense throughout the essay. Proofreading for minor errors like these can help maintain the overall coherence and professionalism of the writing.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical structures and punctuation, contributing to its clarity and effectiveness in conveying ideas. With continued attention to detail and the incorporation of more varied sentence structures, the writing could achieve an even higher level of sophistication and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals argue that to mitigate the maladies, environmental pollution and housing problems should take precedence. While acknowledging certain advantages of this proposition, I believe that it should be complemented by more comprehensive approaches.

Indeed, it is true that addressing pollution could significantly contribute to safeguarding individuals from diseases. This is because polluted air, water, and soil are significant challenges prevalent in contemporary society, leading to various health issues such as cardiovascular diseases or even cancer. Therefore, stricter regulations on emissions and waste management can yield effective outcomes in disease prevention. Furthermore, inadequate housing conditions are also a contributory cause to illness. For instance, overcrowding, dampness, or inadequate sanitation facilities can contribute to the spread of infectious diseases. Thus, enhancing housing quality by ensuring access to affordable, safe, and healthy housing may serve as a foundation for disease prevention and improving overall well-being.

However, advocating for public health education initiatives and ensuring enhanced affordability of healthcare services are equally crucial. This is because merely addressing pollution and housing issues may not suffice to prevent sickness comprehensively. Healthcare infrastructure should be significantly bolstered to ensure citizens’ accessibility to advanced medical facilities, preventive care, vaccinations, screenings, and treatment for chronic conditions. Enhanced affordability of healthcare services can enable people to manage diseases effectively. Additionally, public health education initiatives play a vital role in raising awareness about healthy lifestyle choices, disease prevention, and the importance of regular screenings and vaccinations. Such initiatives can significantly contribute to reducing the risk of many diseases and promoting overall well-being.

In conclusion, while addressing environmental pollution and housing problems can contribute to disease prevention, a holistic approach that includes advocating for public health education initiatives and enhancing healthcare infrastructure is essential. Only through combined efforts can we effectively mitigate the impact of maladies on individuals and society as a whole.