Some people says that students should not use electronic devices but others argue this opinion
Some people says that students should not use electronic devices but others argue this opinion
Nowadays, utilizing the electronic devices in the life is very common. Therefore, many students make use of its for learning.
In the first, electronic divices can provide references quickly and accurately. For instance, people just need enter keywords that relate to research and then they will appear explanations about its. The second, students are able to participate in online courses with attractive and interesting lessons. Many educational apps offer lectures with mind maps helping students' brain remember better. In addition, they also assist students in acquiring knowledge beyond textbooks such as history, biology issues,……….
However, electronic devices have some disadvantages. Students may spend too much time on electronic devices instead of learning. This leads to poor academic performance and can’t concentrate on study. Moreover, they take too much time to look at phone screen or computer screen will harm to eyesight. Lastly, they also effect on student’s health such as headache, lack of sleep and psychological problem,…..
In brief, use of electronic devices advantages and disadvantages. Students need to use electronic devices properly to improve their learning quality as well as their health.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Nowadays" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays." -
"utilizing the electronic devices in the life" -> "utilizing electronic devices in daily life"
Explanation: "In the life" is awkward and vague. "In daily life" is more specific and commonly used in formal academic contexts. -
"make use of its for learning" -> "utilize them for learning"
Explanation: "Make use of its" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Utilize them" corrects the grammatical error and clarifies the subject. -
"In the first, electronic divices" -> "Firstly, electronic devices"
Explanation: "In the first" is grammatically incorrect. "Firstly" is the correct adverbial form for introducing the first point in a list. -
"people just need enter keywords" -> "users simply need to enter keywords"
Explanation: "People just need enter" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Users simply need to enter" is grammatically correct and more formal. -
"appear explanations about its" -> "provide explanations about these"
Explanation: "Appear explanations about its" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Provide explanations about these" corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning. -
"students are able to participate in online courses with attractive and interesting lessons" -> "students can engage in online courses featuring engaging and informative lessons"
Explanation: "Attractive and interesting" is subjective and informal. "Engaging and informative" are more objective and academically appropriate terms. -
"helping students’ brain remember better" -> "enhancing students’ memory"
Explanation: "Helping students’ brain remember better" is informal and awkward. "Enhancing students’ memory" is more precise and formal. -
"acquiring knowledge beyond textbooks such as history, biology issues," -> "gaining knowledge beyond textbooks, including historical and biological concepts"
Explanation: "Acquiring knowledge beyond textbooks such as history, biology issues," is awkward and lacks clarity. "Gaining knowledge beyond textbooks, including historical and biological concepts" is clearer and more formal. -
"Students may spend too much time on electronic devices instead of learning" -> "Students may spend excessive time on electronic devices rather than engaging in learning"
Explanation: "Too much time" is vague and informal. "Excessive time" is more precise, and "rather than engaging in learning" is more formal. -
"can’t concentrate on study" -> "cannot focus on their studies"
Explanation: "Can’t" is too informal for academic writing. "Cannot" is more formal, and "focus on their studies" is more precise than "concentrate on study." -
"take too much time to look at phone screen or computer screen will harm to eyesight" -> "excessive screen time can harm their eyesight"
Explanation: "Take too much time to look at phone screen or computer screen will harm to eyesight" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. "Excessive screen time can harm their eyesight" is grammatically correct and more formal. -
"they also effect on student’s health" -> "they also affect students’ health"
Explanation: "Effect" is a noun, whereas "affect" is the correct verb form needed here. Additionally, "student’s" should be "students’" for plural agreement. -
"headache, lack of sleep and psychological problem," -> "headaches, sleep deprivation, and psychological issues"
Explanation: "Headache, lack of sleep and psychological problem," is informal and lacks specificity. "Headaches, sleep deprivation, and psychological issues" uses more precise and formal terminology. -
"use of electronic devices advantages and disadvantages" -> "the advantages and disadvantages of using electronic devices"
Explanation: "Use of electronic devices advantages and disadvantages" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "The advantages and disadvantages of using electronic devices" corrects the grammar and improves clarity.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of electronic devices for students. However, it does not fully engage with the prompt’s requirement to argue for or against the use of electronic devices. The introduction suggests a neutral stance but fails to clearly articulate a position. The lack of a definitive argument weakens the overall response.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly state theirposition in the introduction and consistently support it throughout the essay. For example, if the writer believes electronic devices are beneficial, they should emphasize this viewpoint while addressing counterarguments more thoroughly.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear and consistent position. While it mentions both pros and cons, it does not take a definitive stance. Phrases like "students need to use electronic devices properly" suggest a balanced view but do not commit to a specific argument, leaving the reader unclear about the writer’s perspective.
- How to improve: The writer should choose a side—either supporting the use of electronic devices or arguing against them—and maintain this position throughout the essay. This can be achieved by using a clear thesis statement in the introduction and reinforcing the chosen stance in each paragraph.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the benefits and drawbacks of electronic devices. However, these ideas are not well-developed or supported with sufficient examples. For instance, the mention of "educational apps" lacks specific examples or details that could strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should provide specific examples and elaborate on them. Instead of simply stating that "students can participate in online courses," the writer could describe a particular online course or app that has proven effective in enhancing learning.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but occasionally strays into vague statements and generalizations. For example, phrases like "many educational apps" and "they also effect on student’s health" are too broad and could be more specific to maintain focus.
- How to improve: The writer should ensure that each point made directly relates to the prompt and supports the chosen position. Specificity in examples and a clearer connection to the overall argument will help maintain focus and relevance throughout the essay.
Overall, to improve the essay’s score, the writer should aim for a clearer position, develop ideas with specific examples, and ensure that all parts of the prompt are thoroughly addressed. Additionally, attention to grammar and clarity will enhance the overall quality of the writing.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that states the topic and moving into two main sections discussing the advantages and disadvantages of electronic devices. However, the organization could be improved. For example, the transition from advantages to disadvantages is somewhat abrupt, lacking a clear signal that the essay is shifting focus. The points made about the advantages are somewhat mixed, as they jump from one idea to another without a clear progression.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely" to signal shifts between advantages and disadvantages. Additionally, grouping similar ideas together and using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help clarify the main points and improve overall coherence.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but they are not optimally structured. The first paragraph discusses advantages, while the second addresses disadvantages. However, the first paragraph could be divided further to separate distinct advantages, and the second paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences to delineate each disadvantage.
- How to improve: Aim for a more structured approach by ensuring each paragraph has a clear main idea. For instance, separate the advantages into two paragraphs: one focusing on the quick access to information and the other on online courses. This will allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point and improve readability.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "In addition" and "However," which help connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences feel disjointed. For example, the use of "the second" and "the first" lacks clarity and could confuse readers regarding the sequence of points.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "In contrast," and "Consequently." Additionally, ensure that pronouns and demonstratives are used effectively to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which will help maintain coherence throughout the essay.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, enhancing the logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will elevate the coherence and cohesion of the writing, potentially leading to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. Phrases like "utilizing the electronic devices," "provide references quickly and accurately," and "participate in online courses" show an attempt to use varied expressions. However, there are instances of repetition and limited synonyms, such as the repeated use of "electronic devices" and "students." This indicates a lack of lexical variety.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "electronic devices," alternatives such as "digital tools," "gadgets," or "technology" could be used. Additionally, varying expressions for "students" could include "learners," "pupils," or "scholars."
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary choices. For instance, the phrase "make use of its for learning" should be "make use of them for learning," as "its" is incorrectly used. Similarly, "assist students in acquiring knowledge beyond textbooks such as history, biology issues" could be more clearly stated as "assist students in acquiring knowledge beyond textbooks, including subjects like history and biology."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on contextually appropriate word choices. Proofreading for grammatical accuracy and ensuring that pronouns agree with their antecedents can help. Additionally, using specific terms instead of vague phrases will enhance clarity. For example, instead of "issues," using "topics" or "concepts" would be more precise.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "divices" (should be "devices"), "can’t" (should be "cannot" in formal writing), and "effect" (should be "affect" in the context used). These errors detract from the overall quality of the writing and may confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice and utilize tools like spell checkers. Reading extensively can also help reinforce correct spelling through exposure. Additionally, creating a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them can be beneficial.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. For example, simple sentences like "Students may spend too much time on electronic devices instead of learning" are prevalent, but there is a lack of complex or compound sentences that could enhance the essay’s sophistication. The use of phrases such as "In the first" and "The second" indicates an attempt to structure the argument, but they are somewhat simplistic and could be more effectively varied.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that combine ideas. For instance, instead of saying "In the first, electronic devices can provide references quickly and accurately," you could say, "One significant advantage of electronic devices is that they can provide references quickly and accurately, which enhances the learning experience." Additionally, using transitional phrases like "Moreover," "Furthermore," and "On the other hand" can help in creating a more fluid and varied structure.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, "Some people says" should be "Some people say," indicating subject-verb agreement issues. The phrase "utilizing the electronic devices in the life" is awkward; it would be more appropriate to say "utilizing electronic devices in everyday life." Additionally, punctuation errors such as the misuse of commas and the ellipsis at the end of sentences detract from clarity. For example, "students’ brain remember better" should be "students’ brains remember better," demonstrating a pluralization error.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is essential to review subject-verb agreement and pluralization rules. Practicing sentence construction and ensuring that each sentence is complete and clear will also help. For punctuation, focus on the correct use of commas to separate clauses and the appropriate use of periods to end sentences. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation errors, making it easier to spot mistakes.
Overall, to improve the essay’s grammatical range and accuracy, focus on expanding the variety of sentence structures and enhancing grammatical and punctuation precision through careful review and practice.
Bài sửa mẫu
**Improved Essay:**
Nowadays, utilizing electronic devices in daily life is very common. Therefore, many students utilize them for learning.
Firstly, electronic devices can provide references quickly and accurately. For instance, users simply need to enter keywords related to their research, and then explanations about these topics will appear. Secondly, students can engage in online courses featuring engaging and informative lessons. Many educational apps offer lectures with mind maps that help enhance students’ memory. In addition, they also assist students in gaining knowledge beyond textbooks, including historical and biological concepts.
However, electronic devices have some disadvantages. Students may spend excessive time on electronic devices rather than engaging in learning. This can lead to poor academic performance, as they cannot focus on their studies. Moreover, spending too much time looking at phone or computer screens can harm their eyesight. Lastly, they also affect students’ health,leading to issues such as headaches, sleep deprivation, and psychological problems.
In brief, the use of electronic devices has both advantages and disadvantages. Students need to use electronic devices properly to improve their learning quality as well as their health.