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: Some people think it is better for children to grow up in the city, while others think that life in the countryside for children is more suitable for them. What are the advantages and disadvantages of both places for children to grow up?

: Some people think it is better for children to grow up in the city, while others think that life in the countryside for children is more suitable for them. What are the advantages and disadvantages of both places for children to grow up?

In contemporary society, many countries focus on children preparing or success of countries in the future. Children could develop comprehensively when they live in cities, some believe that life in the rural areas for children is more adaptable for them. This essay below provides merits and demerits of both regions for children to mature.
There are both advantages and disadvantages of living in cities for children. On the one hand, children can easily access education and health care system. If they live in inner cities, they have more chances to access public services such as hospitals, inflicts and academic institutions rapidly to squander money to travelling a long distance. One the other hand, children can be influenced adversely by environmental pollution to their health when they live in urban area. Not only do children contrast respiratory disease, they but also get mental health diseases which stem from lacking of communication.
In terms of the benefits of residing in rural areas. Children can be more protective from the development of technology. It means that children often limit to expose technological equipment, leading to be prevented from risk factor from internet, such as violence, pornography. By contrast, when children live in countryside they may encouter a lack of sanitation and education, which gives rise to high rate of illiteracy and digestive problems.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "many countries focus on children preparing or success of countries in the future" -> "many countries prioritize the development of children to ensure the future success of their nations"
    Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revised version clarifies the meaning and uses more formal language suitable for academic writing.

  2. "Children could develop comprehensively when they live in cities" -> "Children can develop comprehensively when they reside in cities"
    Explanation: "Could" is less definitive and less formal than "can," which is more appropriate for academic writing. "Reside" is also more formal than "live."

  3. "some believe that life in the rural areas for children is more adaptable for them" -> "some argue that rural life is more conducive to children’s development"
    Explanation: "Adaptable for them" is awkward and vague. "Conducive to children’s development" is more precise and academically appropriate.

  4. "This essay below provides merits and demerits" -> "This essay will discuss the merits and demerits"
    Explanation: "This essay below" is informal and unclear. "This essay will discuss" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.

  5. "children can easily access education and health care system" -> "children can readily access the education and healthcare systems"
    Explanation: "Health care system" should be pluralized to "healthcare systems" for grammatical accuracy. "Readily" is more formal than "easily."

  6. "If they live in inner cities, they have more chances to access public services" -> "If they reside in urban centers, they have greater access to public services"
    Explanation: "Inner cities" is less precise than "urban centers." "Greater access" is more formal than "more chances."

  7. "to squander money to travelling a long distance" -> "to waste money on traveling long distances"
    Explanation: "To squander money to travelling a long distance" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "To waste money on traveling long distances" is grammatically correct and clearer.

  8. "One the other hand" -> "On the other hand"
    Explanation: "One the other hand" is a typographical error. "On the other hand" is the correct phrase.

  9. "children can be influenced adversely by environmental pollution to their health" -> "children can be negatively influenced by environmental pollution on their health"
    Explanation: "Adversely" is less precise than "negatively," and "to their health" is awkwardly phrased. "On their health" is more direct and formal.

  10. "Not only do children contrast respiratory disease, they but also get mental health diseases" -> "Not only do children contract respiratory diseases, but they also suffer from mental health issues"
    Explanation: "Contrast" is incorrect; "contract" is the correct verb. "Diseases" should be pluralized to match "do." "Suffer from" is more appropriate than "get" in formal writing.

  11. "stem from lacking of communication" -> "stem from a lack of communication"
    Explanation: "Lacking of" is grammatically incorrect. "A lack of" is the correct phrase.

  12. "In terms of the benefits of residing in rural areas" -> "Regarding the benefits of residing in rural areas"
    Explanation: "In terms of" is a bit informal for academic writing; "Regarding" is more formal and suitable.

  13. "Children can be more protective from the development of technology" -> "Children are more protected from the development of technology"
    Explanation: "Can be more protective" is awkward and incorrect. "Are more protected" is grammatically correct and clearer.

  14. "It means that children often limit to expose technological equipment" -> "This means that children are often limited to exposure to technological equipment"
    Explanation: "Limit to expose" is incorrect. "Limited to exposure to" is grammatically correct and clearer.

  15. "leading to be prevented from risk factor from internet" -> "leading to being prevented from risks associated with the internet"
    Explanation: "Risk factor from internet" is awkward and incorrect. "Risks associated with the internet" is grammatically correct and clearer.

  16. "By contrast, when children live in countryside they may encouter a lack of sanitation and education" -> "In contrast, when children reside in rural areas, they may encounter a lack of sanitation and education"
    Explanation: "Countryside" is less formal than "rural areas." "Encouter" is a typographical error; "encounter" is the correct word.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the advantages and disadvantages of both city and countryside living for children, which is a direct response to the prompt. However, it lacks depth in exploring these aspects. For instance, while it mentions access to education and healthcare in cities, it does not provide specific examples or elaborate on how these factors benefit children. Similarly, the discussion about rural living is quite superficial and does not fully explore the advantages or disadvantages. The essay also fails to clearly delineate the advantages and disadvantages for each location, which can confuse the reader.
    • How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should ensure that each point made is supported with specific examples or explanations. For instance, when discussing educational opportunities in cities, the writer could mention specific types of schools or programs available. Additionally, a clearer structure that separates the advantages and disadvantages for each location would enhance clarity.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does not maintain a clear position throughout. While it mentions both sides, it does not take a definitive stance or provide a concluding perspective on which environment might be more suitable for children. The language used is somewhat ambiguous, which detracts from the overall clarity of the argument.
    • How to improve: The writer should establish a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines their position on the issue. Throughout the essay, they should consistently refer back to this position, ensuring that each point made supports their overall argument. A concluding paragraph that summarizes the key points and reiterates the writer’s stance would also help solidify their position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are underdeveloped and lack sufficient support. For example, the mention of "environmental pollution" as a disadvantage of city living is not elaborated upon, leaving the reader unclear about its implications. Additionally, the benefits of rural living are mentioned but not sufficiently explained, such as how limited exposure to technology can be beneficial.
    • How to improve: To effectively present, extend, and support ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with relevant examples, statistics, or anecdotes that illustrate their arguments. For instance, discussing specific health issues related to urban pollution or citing studies on the effects of technology on children could strengthen the essay.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of city and countryside living. However, there are moments where the points made are vague or not directly relevant to the prompt. For instance, the phrase "to squander money to travelling a long distance" is unclear and does not effectively contribute to the argument.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that each sentence directly relates to the advantages or disadvantages of the environments discussed. They should also avoid vague language and ensure that all points are clearly articulated and relevant to the main topic.

Overall, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should focus on developing their ideas more thoroughly, maintaining a clear position, and ensuring that all parts of the prompt are addressed with specific examples and clear language. Additionally, attention to grammar and sentence structure would enhance the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, addressing both urban and rural living conditions for children. However, the logical progression of ideas could be improved. For instance, the introduction mentions both perspectives but does not clearly outline the advantages and disadvantages in a structured manner. The transition between discussing urban advantages and disadvantages is somewhat abrupt, particularly when moving from the benefits of city living to the drawbacks without a clear linking sentence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should consider using a more structured approach in the introduction, perhaps by explicitly stating the points that will be discussed in the body paragraphs. Additionally, using transition phrases such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely" can help guide the reader through the contrasting points more smoothly.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs effectively, but the structure is inconsistent. The first paragraph introduces the topic but lacks a clear thesis statement. The second paragraph discusses urban living, while the third paragraph shifts to rural living without a clear demarcation or introductory sentence. This can confuse readers regarding where one idea ends and another begins.
    • How to improve: It is essential to ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. For example, starting the paragraph about rural living with a sentence like, "In contrast to urban environments, rural areas offer distinct advantages and disadvantages for children’s development," would provide clarity. Additionally, separating the advantages and disadvantages into distinct paragraphs for each living condition would enhance readability.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "By contrast," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some phrases are used incorrectly or awkwardly, such as "inflicts and academic institutions rapidly to squander money to travelling a long distance," which detracts from clarity.
    • How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, using "Furthermore" to add information or "However" to introduce contrasting ideas can enhance the flow. Additionally, ensuring that cohesive devices are used correctly and appropriately will improve overall coherence. Practicing the use of synonyms and varying sentence structures can also contribute to a more sophisticated use of cohesion.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and attempts to address both sides of the argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some effective word choices such as "contemporary society," "comprehensively," and "adversely." However, there are instances of repetition and limited variety, particularly in phrases like "children can" and "living in." The use of terms like "merits and demerits" is appropriate, but the overall vocabulary lacks the sophistication and breadth expected at a higher band level.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "children can," alternatives like "youngsters have the opportunity to" or "youths may experience" could be employed. Additionally, exploring more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "urbanization," "socioeconomic factors," or "cognitive development," would elevate the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that could lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "inflicts and academic institutions" appears to be a misuse of "inflicts," which does not fit the context. Similarly, "to squander money to travelling a long distance" is awkwardly constructed and unclear. The phrase "contrast respiratory disease" is also incorrect; it should be "contract respiratory diseases."
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on contextually appropriate vocabulary. For instance, replacing "inflicts" with "healthcare facilities" would clarify the intended meaning. Additionally, restructuring sentences for clarity—such as changing "squander money to travelling" to "spend money on traveling long distances"—will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "encouter" (should be "encounter") and "lacking of communication" (should be "lack of communication"). These errors can detract from the overall readability and professionalism of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should practice proofreading their work carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can be beneficial. Engaging in vocabulary exercises that focus on spelling can also support improvement in this area.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and enhancing spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. For instance, simple sentences such as "Children could develop comprehensively when they live in cities" and "Children can be more protective from the development of technology" are prevalent. While some complex sentences are attempted, such as "Not only do children contrast respiratory disease, they but also get mental health diseases," the overall variety is insufficient. The use of conjunctions and relative clauses is minimal, which restricts the depth of expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences and varied sentence beginnings. For example, instead of starting sentences with "Children can" or "In terms of," the writer could use introductory phrases like "While it is true that…" or "Despite the benefits of…" Additionally, using more conditional sentences (e.g., "If children grow up in cities, they may…") can add complexity and variety.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that impede clarity. For example, phrases like "health care system" should be "healthcare systems," and "inflicts and academic institutions" seems to be a typographical error, likely meant to say "infrastructure and academic institutions." The phrase "One the other hand" should be corrected to "On the other hand." Furthermore, the use of commas is inconsistent, such as in "leading to be prevented from risk factor from internet," which should be rephrased for clarity and grammatical correctness.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review basic grammar rules, particularly subject-verb agreement and article usage. Practicing sentence restructuring can also help clarify meaning. For punctuation, the writer should ensure that commas are used correctly to separate clauses and items in a list. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation errors. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or using grammar-checking tools can provide further insights into areas needing correction.

Overall, while the essay presents relevant ideas, the grammatical range and accuracy need significant improvement to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on sentence variety and grammatical correctness will enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, many countries focus on children preparing for the success of their nations in the future. Children can develop comprehensively when they live in cities; however, some believe that life in rural areas is more suitable for them. This essay will discuss the merits and demerits of both regions for children to grow up.

There are both advantages and disadvantages of living in cities for children. On the one hand, children can easily access education and healthcare systems. If they live in inner cities, they have more chances to access public services such as hospitals, clinics, and academic institutions, which prevents them from wasting money on traveling long distances. On the other hand, children can be adversely influenced by environmental pollution on their health when they live in urban areas. Not only do children contract respiratory diseases, but they also suffer from mental health issues which stem from a lack of communication.

Regarding the benefits of residing in rural areas, children can be more protected from the development of technology. This means that children are often limited in their exposure to technological equipment, leading to being prevented from risks associated with the internet, such as violence and pornography. In contrast, when children live in the countryside, they may encounter a lack of sanitation and education, which gives rise to a high rate of illiteracy and digestive problems.

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