Some people think technology connects people and improves communication, while others believe it makes people more isolated. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In recent decades, the advent of cutting – edge technology has profoundly revolutionized various aspects of our lives. While it is disputed that technological advancements have enhanced human’s connectivity and interaction, others contend about the potential appearance of isolation. This essay will discuss both viewpoints and present my objective perspective about this issue.

On the one hand, the excessive reliance on technology can contribute to social isolation. Because of the proliferation of technology on every corner of community, individuals would spend more time on their digital devices, which often leads to reduced face – to – face interconnection and a diminished sense of community. This overreliance can adversely impact mental well – being, as people may feel disconnected from the real – world experiences and struggle to build meaningful relationships. For instance, young generation may prioritize online communication through message apps rather than personal meet, resulting in the underdeveloped soft skills, especially communicantion skill. This can deteriorate their rapports among friends and colleague, hindering promotion as well as strengthening companionship.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"cutting – edge technology" -> "advanced technology"
Explanation: The term "cutting-edge" is somewhat informal and colloquial for academic writing. "Advanced" is a more formal and precise term that fits better in an academic context.
"enhanced human’s connectivity and interaction" -> "enhanced human connectivity and interaction"
Explanation: The possessive form "human’s" is unnecessary and awkward in this context. Removing it makes the phrase more concise and grammatically correct.
"others contend about" -> "others contend that"
Explanation: "Contend about" is grammatically incorrect. "Contend that" is the correct form, indicating a statement or argument.
"the potential appearance of isolation" -> "the potential for isolation"
Explanation: "Appearance" is not the correct term here; "for" is the appropriate preposition to indicate possibility or potential.
"Because of the proliferation of technology on every corner of community" -> "Due to the widespread presence of technology throughout the community"
Explanation: "On every corner of community" is awkward and unclear. "Throughout the community" is more precise and formal.
"individuals would spend more time on their digital devices" -> "individuals spend more time on their digital devices"
Explanation: The use of "would" implies a hypothetical scenario, which is unnecessary here as the statement is describing a current trend. "Spend" is also more direct and formal than "would spend."
"face – to – face interconnection" -> "face-to-face interaction"
Explanation: "Interconnection" is not the correct term here; "interaction" is the appropriate noun to describe direct communication.
"a diminished sense of community" -> "a reduced sense of community"
Explanation: "Diminished" can imply a decrease in quality or value, which may not be the intended meaning. "Reduced" is more neutral and appropriate for describing a decrease in quantity.
"young generation" -> "the younger generation"
Explanation: "Young generation" is vague and informal. "The younger generation" is more specific and formal.
"personal meet" -> "personal meetings"
Explanation: "Meet" is a verb, not a noun. "Meetings" is the correct noun form.
"communicantion skill" -> "communication skills"
Explanation: "Communicantion" is a typographical error and not a standard term. "Communication skills" is the correct phrase.
"rapports among friends and colleague" -> "rapport among friends and colleagues"
Explanation: "Colleague" should be pluralized to "colleagues" to match the plural subject "friends."
"hindering promotion as well as strengthening companionship" -> "impeding career advancement and weakening relationships"
Explanation: "Hindering promotion" is awkward and unclear. "Impeding career advancement" is more precise and formal. "Strengthening companionship" is vague; "weakening relationships" is clearer and more appropriate in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay begins by acknowledging both perspectives on the impact of technology on communication. However, it primarily focuses on the argument that technology leads to isolation, with limited exploration of the opposing view that technology enhances connectivity. The essay does not adequately address both sides of the debate, which is essential for a balanced discussion as required by the prompt.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should include a more thorough examination of the viewpoint that technology connects people. This could involve discussing how social media platforms and communication apps facilitate connections across distances, allowing for relationships that might not otherwise exist. Including specific examples or statistics to support this perspective would also strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay states that it will present an objective perspective, but it leans heavily towards the argument that technology causes isolation without clearly articulating a personal opinion. The lack of a definitive stance makes it difficult for the reader to understand the writer’s viewpoint.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity of position, the writer should explicitly state their opinion in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. This could be done by summarizing the key points of both sides and then clearly stating which side they align with, along with a brief rationale for their choice.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding the negative impact of technology on social interactions, such as the development of soft skills and the potential for mental health issues. However, these ideas are not fully developed or supported with sufficient evidence. For example, the mention of "young generation" lacks specificity and could benefit from examples or data to illustrate the point.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should elaborate on each point with more detailed explanations and examples. This could include discussing specific technologies that contribute to isolation or providing anecdotal evidence of individuals who have experienced these effects. Additionally, the writer should ensure that each idea is clearly linked back to the main argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the effects of technology on communication. However, the discussion is somewhat one-sided, which detracts from the overall relevance to the prompt that asks for a discussion of both views.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that both sides of the argument are given equal attention. This can be achieved by structuring the essay to include separate paragraphs for each viewpoint, followed by a conclusion that synthesizes the discussion and states the writer’s opinion.

In summary, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should ensure that all parts of the prompt are addressed, present a clear and consistent position, develop and support ideas more thoroughly, and maintain a balanced discussion that stays on topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s intent. The first body paragraph effectively introduces one viewpoint regarding technology’s role in social isolation. However, the transition to discussing the opposing viewpoint is somewhat abrupt, which can disrupt the overall logical flow. For example, while the first paragraph discusses the negative impacts of technology on social interaction, the essay does not clearly signal when it will shift to the positive aspects of technology in the subsequent paragraph.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear transition phrases that indicate a shift in perspective, such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely." Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that summarizes the main idea, allowing readers to anticipate the content that follows.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate ideas, with a clear introduction and a body paragraph discussing one viewpoint. However, the body paragraph could be further developed into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on the negative aspects of technology and another addressing the positive aspects. This would not only improve clarity but also provide a more balanced discussion of both viewpoints.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, aim for a clear structure where each paragraph contains a single main idea. For instance, after discussing the negative impacts of technology, introduce a new paragraph that begins with a topic sentence about how technology can enhance communication. This will help maintain focus and coherence within each paragraph.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "because of," which help to connect ideas within the same viewpoint. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "This overreliance can adversely impact mental well-being" could be better linked to the previous sentence to enhance cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "however," and "for example." Additionally, ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one, using phrases that clarify relationships between ideas. For instance, you could use "As a result" to connect the idea of reduced face-to-face interaction with its impact on mental well-being.

By addressing these areas of improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately enhancing its overall effectiveness in communicating the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, utilizing terms such as "cutting-edge technology," "profoundly revolutionized," and "excessive reliance." These choices reflect an understanding of the topic and an ability to express complex ideas. However, phrases like "the potential appearance of isolation" could be more effectively articulated. The phrase is somewhat vague and could benefit from more specific terminology.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating more varied synonyms and expressions. For instance, instead of "excessive reliance," you might use "overdependence" or "overuse." Additionally, using more specific terms related to technology and communication can enrich the essay. For example, instead of "digital devices," you could specify "smartphones" or "tablets."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "the young generation" which is somewhat awkward. A more precise term would be "young people" or "youth." Furthermore, the phrase "diminished sense of community" is accurate but could be enhanced by specifying how technology affects community dynamics.
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys your intended meaning. For example, instead of "the potential appearance of isolation," consider "the risk of social isolation." This change clarifies the argument and strengthens the overall message. Additionally, ensure that all nouns and verbs are used in their correct forms, as seen with "communicantion skill," which should be "communication skills."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "communicantion" instead of "communication," and "rapport" instead of "rapports." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After completing the essay, take a moment to read through it carefully, or use digital tools like spell checkers. Additionally, practicing common spelling patterns and frequently misspelled words can help reinforce correct spelling in your writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary and a clear understanding of the topic, attention to precision, spelling, and the use of a wider range of vocabulary will enhance the overall quality and clarity of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For example, the use of "While it is disputed that technological advancements have enhanced human’s connectivity and interaction, others contend about the potential appearance of isolation" showcases a complex structure that effectively introduces the topic. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a lack of more sophisticated structures, such as varied subordinate clauses or more intricate compound sentences.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases or clauses. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "This" or "On the one hand," try using participial phrases or adverbial clauses to create more complexity. For example, "Recognizing the potential drawbacks of technology, many argue that…" can provide a more engaging start. Additionally, practice using inversion or conditional structures to enhance the sophistication of your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, "human’s connectivity" should be "human connectivity" to avoid the incorrect possessive form. Additionally, phrases like "young generation" should be corrected to "the young generation" for grammatical accuracy. Punctuation errors, such as inconsistent spacing around dashes (e.g., "cutting – edge technology" should be "cutting-edge technology"), also affect readability. Furthermore, the phrase "the underdeveloped soft skills, especially communicantion skill" contains a spelling error ("communicantion" should be "communication") and lacks parallel structure.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, review the rules surrounding possessives and plural forms, ensuring that nouns are used correctly. Regularly practicing writing and proofreading can help catch these errors. For punctuation, familiarize yourself with the correct use of dashes, commas, and other punctuation marks. Consider using grammar-checking tools or peer reviews to identify and rectify mistakes before finalizing your essay. Additionally, focus on maintaining parallel structure in lists or comparisons to improve clarity and coherence.

By addressing these areas for improvement, you can enhance your grammatical range and accuracy, potentially raising your band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent decades, the advent of advanced technology has profoundly revolutionized various aspects of our lives. While some argue that technological advancements have enhanced human connectivity and interaction, others contend that they lead to the potential for isolation. This essay will discuss both viewpoints and present my objective perspective on this issue.

On the one hand, the excessive reliance on technology can contribute to social isolation. Due to the widespread presence of technology throughout the community, individuals spend more time on their digital devices, which often leads to reduced face-to-face interaction and a diminished sense of community. This overreliance can adversely impact mental well-being, as people may feel disconnected from real-world experiences and struggle to build meaningful relationships. For instance, the younger generation may prioritize online communication through messaging apps rather than personal meetings, resulting in underdeveloped communication skills. This can deteriorate their rapport among friends and colleagues, impeding career advancement and weakening relationships.

On the other hand, many believe that technology has significantly improved communication and connectivity. With the rise of social media platforms and instant messaging, individuals can easily stay in touch with friends and family, regardless of geographical barriers. This enhanced connectivity allows for the sharing of ideas and experiences, fostering a sense of belonging and community. Moreover, technology facilitates collaboration in professional settings, enabling teams to work together effectively, even from different locations.

In conclusion, while there are valid concerns regarding the potential for isolation due to excessive reliance on technology, it is also undeniable that it has improved communication and connectivity in many ways. Personally, I believe that finding a balance between utilizing technology and maintaining face-to-face interactions is crucial for fostering meaningful relationships and a strong sense of community.