Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

For this day and age, some people believe that children should be raised to be competitive while others argue that cooperation is more crucial. Personally, I believe that both of these senses, competitiveness and cooperation, should be implemented in balance for the youth.
On the one hand, the competitive environment can be a motivation for children. In other words, healthy competition may help younger people to be more confident and independent in their life and they can build a successful career in the future. For instance, when people participate in competitive competitions, this competition will lead to greater effort and determination to win. Therefore, competition should be encouraged to prepare children for adult life.
On the other hand, cooperation is an important thing to learn from an early age to improve children’s social skills. Furthermore, this can teach humans how to work with other people and help them to solve the problems quickly without being stressed out by themselves. For instance, when they receive school tasks that must be completed in a team spirit, they can collaborate with their colleagues in the same goal to do their best in the project together. This learning can expand the connection and make them more reliable in their future career.
In conclusion, the combination of two solutions may be a better way to educate our next generation. This helps to enhance children’s abilities comprehensively.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"For this day and age" -> "In contemporary society"
Explanation: "For this day and age" is somewhat informal and colloquial. "In contemporary society" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"some people believe" -> "some individuals contend"
Explanation: "Some people believe" is vague and informal. "Some individuals contend" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.
"Personally, I believe" -> "I maintain"
Explanation: "Personally, I believe" is conversational and slightly informal. "I maintain" is more assertive and formal, suitable for academic discourse.
"both of these senses" -> "both of these aspects"
Explanation: "Senses" is not the correct term here; "aspects" is more appropriate as it refers to the qualities or characteristics being discussed.
"can be a motivation" -> "can serve as a motivator"
Explanation: "Can be a motivation" is somewhat vague and informal. "Can serve as a motivator" is more precise and formal, enhancing the academic tone.
"In other words" -> "To illustrate"
Explanation: "In other words" is conversational and can be seen as redundant. "To illustrate" is a more formal transitional phrase that enhances the academic style.
"they can build a successful career" -> "they can establish successful careers"
Explanation: "Build a successful career" is somewhat informal and imprecise. "Establish successful careers" is more formal and accurate, suggesting a broader range of possibilities.
"this competition will lead to" -> "this competition may lead to"
Explanation: "Will" implies certainty, which may not be warranted in academic writing. "May" is more appropriate as it suggests possibility rather than certainty.
"should be encouraged" -> "should be fostered"
Explanation: "Should be encouraged" is straightforward but lacks nuance. "Should be fostered" implies a more deliberate and supportive approach, which is more suitable for academic discussions.
"cooperation is an important thing to learn" -> "cooperation is a crucial aspect to learn"
Explanation: "An important thing to learn" is informal and vague. "A crucial aspect to learn" is more precise and formal, enhancing the academic tone.
"improve children’s social skills" -> "enhance children’s social skills"
Explanation: "Improve" is a good choice, but "enhance" is slightly more formal and academically preferred.
"help them to solve the problems quickly" -> "assist them in resolving issues efficiently"
Explanation: "Help them to solve the problems quickly" is informal and slightly awkward. "Assist them in resolving issues efficiently" is more formal and precise.
"being stressed out by themselves" -> "feeling overwhelmed"
Explanation: "Being stressed out by themselves" is informal and colloquial. "Feeling overwhelmed" is a more formal and precise way to describe the emotional state.
"This learning can expand the connection" -> "This learning can strengthen relationships"
Explanation: "Expand the connection" is unclear and informal. "Strengthen relationships" is more specific and appropriate for academic writing.
"make them more reliable" -> "enhance their reliability"
Explanation: "Make them more reliable" is informal and slightly awkward. "Enhance their reliability" is more formal and fits the academic style better.
"the combination of two solutions" -> "the integration of these approaches"
Explanation: "The combination of two solutions" is somewhat vague and informal. "The integration of these approaches" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic discourse.
"enhance children’s abilities comprehensively" -> "comprehensively enhance children’s abilities"
Explanation: "Enhance children’s abilities comprehensively" is grammatically awkward. "Comprehensively enhance children’s abilities" corrects the awkwardness and maintains the formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views regarding competition and cooperation, presenting arguments for each side. However, it lacks depth in discussing the implications of these views and does not fully explore the nuances of the argument. For example, while the essay mentions that competition can lead to confidence and independence, it does not elaborate on how these traits specifically benefit children in their future adult lives. Similarly, the discussion on cooperation is somewhat superficial, lacking specific examples or a deeper analysis of its long-term benefits.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should delve deeper into each viewpoint. This could involve providing more detailed examples or case studies that illustrate the benefits and drawbacks of both competition and cooperation. Additionally, addressing potential counterarguments would strengthen the analysis and demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a personal opinion that both competition and cooperation should be balanced, but this position is not consistently reinforced throughout the text. The introduction states the author’s belief, but the conclusion reiterates this without providing a strong synthesis of the arguments made. The essay could benefit from clearer transitions that guide the reader through the argument and reinforce the author’s stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should consistently refer back to their thesis in each paragraph. Using phrases like "In support of my argument" or "This illustrates my point about…" can help tie back the discussion to the central thesis. Additionally, the conclusion should summarize the key points made in support of the balanced approach, reinforcing the author’s position more effectively.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to competition and cooperation, but these ideas are not sufficiently extended or supported. For instance, the mention of "healthy competition" lacks a definition or explanation of what constitutes healthy competition. The examples provided are somewhat generic and do not fully illustrate the points being made, which weakens the overall argument.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the author should aim to provide more specific examples and elaborate on them. For instance, discussing a specific competitive event or a well-known cooperative project could provide a clearer picture of the benefits of each approach. Additionally, integrating statistics or studies that support the claims would enhance the credibility of the arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the themes of competition and cooperation. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, particularly in the conclusion, which could be more directly tied to the arguments presented. The phrase "this helps to enhance children’s abilities comprehensively" is vague and does not clearly link back to the specific discussions of competition and cooperation.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the main question. Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that outlines its main idea, and the conclusion should succinctly summarize how the discussed points support the overall argument. Avoiding vague language and ensuring that each statement is relevant will help keep the essay tightly focused on the prompt.

In summary, while the essay addresses the prompt and presents a personal opinion, it requires more depth, clarity, and support to achieve a higher band score. By elaborating on points, providing specific examples, and maintaining a clear and consistent position, the author can significantly improve their Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the two perspectives on competition and cooperation. Each viewpoint is discussed in separate paragraphs, which helps maintain clarity. For instance, the first body paragraph effectively argues the benefits of competition, while the second highlights the importance of cooperation. However, the transition between the two ideas could be smoother, as the connection between competition and cooperation is only briefly mentioned in the conclusion.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider adding transitional phrases that explicitly connect the two viewpoints within the body paragraphs. For example, after discussing competition, a sentence like "However, while competition has its merits, it is equally important to recognize the value of cooperation" could provide a clearer bridge to the next paragraph.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the discussion. The introduction sets the stage, while the body paragraphs delve into competition and cooperation, respectively. The conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from a clearer topic sentence that directly states the main idea of cooperation, as it currently starts with "On the other hand," which may not fully encapsulate the paragraph’s focus.
- How to improve: Start the second body paragraph with a more explicit topic sentence that outlines the importance of cooperation. For example, "Cooperation is equally vital in a child’s development, as it fosters essential social skills." This would provide a stronger framework for the arguments that follow.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting viewpoints. Additionally, phrases like "For instance" and "Furthermore" help to introduce examples and add depth to the arguments. However, the essay could benefit from a wider range of cohesive devices to enhance the overall fluidity of the text. For instance, the use of more varied linking words and phrases could improve the connections between sentences and ideas.
- How to improve: Incorporate a broader array of cohesive devices to enhance coherence. For example, instead of repeatedly using "For instance," consider alternatives like "For example," "To illustrate," or "Such as" to introduce examples. Additionally, using phrases like "In addition," or "Moreover," can help to create smoother transitions between ideas and reinforce the connections between arguments.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, effectively organizing ideas and using paragraphs to structure the discussion. By refining transitions and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay can achieve an even higher level of clarity and fluidity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "competitive environment," "motivation," and "social skills." However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly with the use of "competition" and "cooperation." For example, the phrase "competitive competitions" is redundant and could be streamlined to simply "competition."
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer should consider using synonyms or related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "competition," alternatives like "rivalry" or "contest" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more descriptive adjectives or adverbs could enrich the text. For example, instead of "important thing," one might say "crucial aspect."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally conveys its message, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "this competition will lead to greater effort" could be misleading, as it implies that competition itself guarantees effort, which may not always be the case. Similarly, "help them to solve the problems quickly without being stressed out by themselves" could be more clearly articulated.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should ensure that vocabulary accurately reflects the intended meaning. For example, instead of saying "help them to solve the problems quickly," one might say "facilitate effective problem-solving." This not only clarifies the message but also enhances the overall quality of the writing.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no glaring errors. However, there are minor issues, such as the phrase "make them more reliable," which could be interpreted as a spelling concern if the intended word was "reliable" in a different context (e.g., "dependable"). The phrase "in the same goal" is also awkwardly constructed, which may lead to confusion.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy and overall clarity, the writer should engage in regular proofreading and utilize spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing writing and reviewing commonly confused words can help solidify spelling skills. Furthermore, focusing on sentence structure can improve clarity, ensuring that the intended meaning is conveyed without ambiguity.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and clarity will enhance the overall quality of the writing. Engaging in targeted vocabulary exercises and practicing precise language use will be beneficial for achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "In other words, healthy competition may help younger people to be more confident and independent in their life" shows an ability to convey detailed ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and structures, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which could be diversified. Additionally, the phrase "this competition will lead to greater effort and determination to win" could be rephrased to avoid redundancy in the use of "competition."
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider using different transition phrases and varying the sentence openings. For example, instead of starting with "On the one hand" or "On the other hand," you could use phrases like "Conversely," or "In contrast," to introduce opposing views. Additionally, incorporating more compound-complex sentences can enrich the essay’s structure and improve flow.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some notable errors. For instance, the phrase "this can teach humans how to work with other people" could be more effectively expressed as "this teaches children how to collaborate with others." Additionally, the sentence "they can collaborate with their colleagues in the same goal to do their best in the project together" is somewhat awkward and could be streamlined for clarity. Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are areas where commas could enhance readability, such as before "and" in compound sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on refining awkward phrases and ensuring clarity in expression. Consider revising sentences for conciseness and coherence. For punctuation, practice using commas to separate clauses and enhance sentence flow. For example, in the sentence "For instance, when they receive school tasks that must be completed in a team spirit," consider rephrasing to "For instance, when assigned school tasks requiring teamwork, they can collaborate effectively." This not only improves clarity but also enhances the overall quality of the writing.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, some individuals contend that children should be raised to be competitive, while others argue that cooperation is more crucial. Personally, I maintain that both of these aspects—competitiveness and cooperation—should be fostered in balance for the youth.

On the one hand, a competitive environment can serve as a motivator for children. In other words, healthy competition may help young people to become more confident and independent in their lives, enabling them to establish successful careers in the future. To illustrate, when individuals participate in competitive events, this competition may lead to greater effort and determination to succeed. Therefore, competition should be encouraged to prepare children for adult life.

On the other hand, cooperation is a crucial aspect to learn from an early age to enhance children’s social skills. Furthermore, this can teach them how to work effectively with others and assist them in resolving issues efficiently without feeling overwhelmed. For instance, when they receive school tasks that must be completed in a team spirit, they can collaborate with their peers toward a common goal, striving to do their best in the project together. This learning can strengthen relationships and enhance their reliability in their future careers.

In conclusion, the integration of these approaches may be a better way to educate our next generation. This helps to comprehensively enhance children’s abilities.