Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school, while others think it is a waste of time. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

There is an argument that art is an essential subject for children at school. However, some people think that it is a waste of time. Personally, I think this problem has two sides as pros and cons. In this essay, I will discuss to clarify this tendency.

I will start by looking at the advantages of learning art at school. Firstly, art can help children improve their creativity because art is no limitation for children and it contains a variety of many interesting things about humans, animals and cultures, which encourage children’s brain to think and paint what things they like and imagine. Secondly, learning art can helps parents discover abilities that their children have and then parents can promote and invest money to develop children’s talent.

Besides the agreement, some people think that it is not advisable to learn at school and regardless as a waste of time. Parents usually focus on main subject like Math, Literature and English so they think art is an extra subject and unimportant . Besides, they don’t want to pay a fee for extra subject like art because they think it is not useful for children in the future.

To sump up, I think this tendency has two sides that I have mentioned. In my opinion, I am convinced that art is an essential subject because education is not only focus on knowledge but also toward to comprehensive development of children.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"There is an argument" -> "It is argued"
Explanation: "It is argued" is a more formal and precise way to introduce an opinion or argument in academic writing, enhancing the tone and clarity of the statement.
"Personally, I think" -> "I maintain"
Explanation: "I maintain" is a more formal alternative to "Personally, I think," which sounds more assertive and academic.
"this problem has two sides as pros and cons" -> "this issue presents both advantages and disadvantages"
Explanation: "Presents both advantages and disadvantages" is a more formal and precise way to describe the dual nature of an issue, aligning better with academic style.
"I will discuss to clarify this tendency" -> "I will elucidate this tendency"
Explanation: "Elucidate" is a more formal and precise verb that effectively conveys the act of explaining or making clear, which is more suitable for academic writing.
"art can help children improve their creativity" -> "art facilitates children’s creativity"
Explanation: "Facilitates" is a more formal and precise term than "help," which is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing.
"art is no limitation for children" -> "art offers no limitations for children"
Explanation: "Offers no limitations" is grammatically correct and clearer than "is no limitation," which is awkward and incorrect.
"it contains a variety of many interesting things" -> "it encompasses a wide range of fascinating aspects"
Explanation: "Encompasses a wide range of fascinating aspects" is more precise and academically appropriate than the vague and informal "contains a variety of many interesting things."
"learning art can helps" -> "learning art can help"
Explanation: Corrects a grammatical error, ensuring subject-verb agreement.
"can promote and invest money to develop children’s talent" -> "can foster and invest in developing children’s talents"
Explanation: "Foster" and "invest in developing" are more precise and formal terms, improving the academic tone and clarity.
"some people think that it is not advisable to learn at school and regardless as a waste of time" -> "some argue that it is not advisable to study at school, considering it a waste of time"
Explanation: "Considering it a waste of time" is grammatically correct and more formal than "regardless as a waste of time," which is awkward and incorrect.
"Parents usually focus on main subject like Math, Literature and English" -> "Parents typically prioritize core subjects such as Mathematics, Literature, and English"
Explanation: "Typically prioritize core subjects" is more formal and precise than "usually focus on main subject," and "Mathematics" should be capitalized as it is a proper noun.
"they don’t want to pay a fee for extra subject like art" -> "they are reluctant to incur additional costs for subjects such as art"
Explanation: "Reluctant to incur additional costs" is more formal and precise than "don’t want to pay a fee," which is too informal for academic writing.
"To sump up" -> "In summary"
Explanation: "In summary" is the correct phrase for concluding a discussion, whereas "To sump up" is a typographical error and informal.
"toward to comprehensive development" -> "toward comprehensive development"
Explanation: Corrects a grammatical error, removing the unnecessary "to" after "toward."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay acknowledges both sides of the argument regarding the importance of art in education. However, it lacks depth in discussing the opposing view. The mention of parents focusing on core subjects and viewing art as unimportant is present, but it is not elaborated upon sufficiently. The essay does not fully explore the implications of this viewpoint or provide a balanced discussion of the arguments for and against art education.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should aim to develop each side of the argument more thoroughly. This could involve providing specific examples or evidence that illustrate the benefits of art education as well as the reasons some may consider it a waste of time. Including statistics or studies that support both perspectives could strengthen the discussion.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer states a personal opinion that art is essential, but this position is somewhat muddled by the initial statement that the issue has "two sides." The conclusion reiterates the importance of art, yet the transition from discussing both sides to asserting a personal opinion is not smooth, which may confuse readers about the writer’s true stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their opinion early in the essay and consistently refer back to it throughout. Using phrases like "In my view" or "I believe" can help clarify the writer’s stance. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph ties back to this central opinion can help reinforce the position taken.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas related to the benefits of art, such as fostering creativity and helping parents discover talents. However, these ideas are not fully developed or supported with examples. The argument against art education is also presented but lacks depth and supporting details.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to expand on each idea presented. For instance, when discussing creativity, the writer could provide examples of how art education has led to successful careers or innovations. Supporting claims with specific instances or research findings can make the argument more persuasive and robust.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the importance of art education and the opposing viewpoint. However, some sentences are unclear and could lead to confusion about the main argument. For example, the phrase "this problem has two sides as pros and cons" is vague and does not clearly convey the writer’s intent.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each sentence contributes directly to the main argument. Avoiding vague language and instead using clear, concise statements will help keep the essay on track. Additionally, each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence that outlines what will be discussed, ensuring that all content is relevant to the prompt.

Overall, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should focus on expanding their arguments, providing clear examples, maintaining a consistent position, and ensuring clarity and coherence throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets up the discussion by stating the two opposing views. However, the transition between the advantages of art and the counterarguments could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "Besides the agreement" is somewhat awkward and does not clearly indicate a shift in perspective.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider using clearer transition phrases such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely" when introducing the opposing viewpoint. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, which will help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with distinct sections for the introduction, advantages of art, disadvantages of art, and the conclusion. However, the second body paragraph lacks a clear topic sentence, which can confuse readers about the main point being discussed. The paragraph discussing the disadvantages also feels slightly disjointed and could benefit from a more cohesive structure.
- How to improve: Start each body paragraph with a strong topic sentence that clearly states the main idea. For example, in the paragraph discussing the disadvantages of art, a sentence like "Despite the benefits of art education, many parents view it as a non-essential subject" would provide clarity. Additionally, ensure that supporting details within each paragraph are logically ordered and directly relate to the topic sentence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "To sum up," which help to structure the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be more explicit. For example, the phrase "which encourage children’s brain to think and paint what things they like and imagine" could be better connected to the previous sentence to enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," "Moreover," and "In contrast." Additionally, consider using pronouns and synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help maintain coherence throughout the essay. For example, instead of repeating "art," you could use "this subject" or "such activities" in subsequent sentences.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to a stronger overall score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "creativity," "abilities," "talent," and "comprehensive development." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat limited and repetitive, particularly in phrases such as "waste of time" and "extra subject." The use of "tendency" is also somewhat vague and does not effectively convey the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate more varied expressions and synonyms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "waste of time," alternatives like "unproductive use of time" or "non-essential activity" could be employed. Additionally, exploring more sophisticated terms related to art and education, such as "aesthetic appreciation" or "holistic development," would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay includes some precise vocabulary, such as "improve creativity" and "discover abilities." However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "art is no limitation for children," which could be clearer. The phrase "this problem has two sides as pros and cons" is awkwardly constructed and could lead to confusion.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and specificity. For example, instead of saying "art is no limitation for children," a clearer expression could be "art encourages children to explore their imagination without constraints." Additionally, rephrasing "this problem has two sides as pros and cons" to "this issue presents both advantages and disadvantages" would enhance clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "helps" instead of "help" in "learning art can helps parents," and "sump up" instead of "sum up." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and may confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading practices, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can help improve spelling skills over time. It is also beneficial to familiarize oneself with the correct forms of verbs and common phrases in English.

By addressing these areas of lexical resource, the writer can aim for a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of "Firstly, art can help children improve their creativity because art is no limitation for children…" showcases a compound sentence that effectively connects ideas. However, the essay could benefit from more varied sentence openings and structures. For instance, the phrase "I will start by looking at the advantages of learning art at school" is somewhat formulaic and could be rephrased for greater impact.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences and varying the use of introductory phrases. For example, instead of starting with "Firstly," you could use "One significant benefit of art education is…" Additionally, integrating participial phrases or relative clauses can enhance the complexity of your sentences, such as "Art, which fosters creativity, can also…"
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, the phrase "learning art can helps parents discover abilities" contains a subject-verb agreement error; it should be "learning art can help parents discover abilities." Additionally, the sentence "they think art is an extra subject and unimportant" lacks a conjunction, which could improve its flow. Punctuation errors, such as the missing comma before "like Math, Literature and English," also hinder readability.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to review subject-verb agreement and ensure that verbs are correctly conjugated. Practicing with grammar exercises focused on common errors can be beneficial. For punctuation, familiarize yourself with rules regarding commas, particularly in lists and before conjunctions. Reading your essay aloud can also help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation errors, allowing for corrections before final submission.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, focusing on enhancing grammatical accuracy and diversifying sentence structures will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is an argument that art is an essential subject for children at school. However, some people think that it is a waste of time. Personally, I think this issue presents both advantages and disadvantages. In this essay, I will elucidate this tendency.

I will start by looking at the advantages of learning art at school. Firstly, art can help children improve their creativity because it offers no limitations for them and encompasses a wide range of fascinating aspects about humans, animals, and cultures, which encourage children’s brains to think and paint what they like and imagine. Secondly, learning art can help parents discover abilities that their children have, and then parents can promote and invest in developing their children’s talents.

On the other hand, some people argue that it is not advisable to study art at school, considering it a waste of time. Parents typically prioritize core subjects such as Mathematics, Literature, and English, so they think art is an extra subject and unimportant. Besides, they are reluctant to incur additional costs for subjects such as art because they believe it is not useful for children in the future.

In summary, I think this tendency has two sides that I have mentioned. In my opinion, I am convinced that art is an essential subject because education does not only focus on knowledge but also aims toward comprehensive development.