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Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time. Discuss both views and give your opinion

Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time.
Discuss both views and give your opinion

A school of thoughts holds that art is a vital discipline for children, while the alternative stance asserts that it should not be taught at school. The purpose of this essay is to discuss both sides of this contentious argument and then explain why I am in agreement with the former view.

On the one hand, proponents of denying the role of art to students tend to point out a combination reasons. First and foremost, there are those who think that developing art-based subjects at school may have a negative impact on other subjects, especially key subject areas such as science or math. One way of explaining this is that students prefer playing with colorful crayons or attractive music notes to studying boring numbers of math so that they may have more focus being placed on art and no longer interested in pursuing academic subjects. Another compelling reason is that art lessons are delightful and comfortable so that children tend to look forward to art classes, which cause distractions in students in science subjects.

On the other hand, I advocate those who believe that art plays a fundamental role in students’ life. The primary reason is that there are musically inclined individuals at school and arts subjects can promote children’s creativity and imagination. Therefore, educating art-based subject may allow young talents in athletic and artistic fields to be discovered and harnessed, which give the chance to achieve their full potential in order to make their innate abilities’ benefits more achievable. Furthermore, practicing art can provide a medium through which can express students’ emotions and feelings. One such example of this is that young children who don’t have the linguistic capabilities to put their ideas into language and thus communicate directly are able to convey meaning through pictures and symbols by using art.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that both sides are justifiable. However, on balance, although the way of thinking that studying art is a waste of time and to the detriment of other subjects, art-based subjects still bring variety of advantages such as cultivate students’ qualities and help individuals without ability to communicate put into words their feelings and desires.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "A school of thoughts" -> "Some schools of thought"
    Explanation: The phrase "a school of thoughts" is grammatically incorrect. Instead, it should be "some schools of thought" to convey the idea that there are different perspectives on the matter.

  2. "holds that art is a vital discipline for children" -> "argues that art is an essential discipline for children"
    Explanation: Replacing "holds that" with "argues that" adds a more formal and assertive tone to the statement, aligning it with academic style.

  3. "while the alternative stance asserts" -> "while an opposing viewpoint contends"
    Explanation: "Alternative stance asserts" can be improved by using "opposing viewpoint contends" to enhance the formality and precision of the expression.

  4. "combination reasons" -> "a combination of reasons"
    Explanation: The phrase "combination reasons" is grammatically incorrect. Adding "of" between "combination" and "reasons" corrects the structure.

  5. "playing with colorful crayons or attractive music notes" -> "engaging with colorful crayons or musical notes"
    Explanation: The use of "playing with" can be replaced with "engaging with" for a more formal and academically appropriate expression.

  6. "studying boring numbers of math" -> "studying the intricate concepts of mathematics"
    Explanation: "Boring numbers of math" can be refined to "the intricate concepts of mathematics" for a more precise and sophisticated description.

  7. "which cause distractions in students in science subjects" -> "resulting in distractions for students in science subjects"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, changing "which cause distractions" to "resulting in distractions" improves the expression.

  8. "advocate those who believe" -> "support those who argue"
    Explanation: "Advocate those who believe" can be replaced with "support those who argue" to convey the idea more precisely and formally.

  9. "there are musically inclined individuals at school" -> "there are students with a musical inclination"
    Explanation: Replacing "musically inclined individuals" with "students with a musical inclination" maintains formality and clarity.

  10. "allow young talents in athletic and artistic fields" -> "enable young talents in athletic and artistic pursuits"
    Explanation: "Fields" can be replaced with "pursuits" for a more precise and formal expression.

  11. "give the chance to achieve their full potential" -> "provide the opportunity to realize their full potential"
    Explanation: Changing "give the chance" to "provide the opportunity" enhances the formality and clarity of the sentence.

  12. "through which can express students’ emotions and feelings" -> "through which students can express their emotions and feelings"
    Explanation: The phrase "through which can express" should be corrected to "through which students can express" for grammatical accuracy.

  13. "One such example of this is" -> "An illustrative example is"
    Explanation: Replacing "One such example of this is" with "An illustrative example is" adds a more formal and precise introduction to the example.

  14. "although the way of thinking" -> "although the viewpoint"
    Explanation: "Although the way of thinking" can be replaced with "although the viewpoint" for a more formal and concise expression.

  15. "art-based subjects still bring variety of advantages" -> "art-based subjects still offer a variety of advantages"
    Explanation: "Bring variety of advantages" can be refined to "offer a variety of advantages" for better academic style and clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both perspectives on the role of art in children’s education and clearly presents the writer’s opinion. Each side is explored, and the final stance is explicitly stated.
    • How to improve: While the essay does cover both views, it would benefit from providing more specific examples or evidence to support each perspective. This would enhance the depth of analysis and showcase a more nuanced understanding of the topic.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The writer consistently maintains a clear position in favor of the importance of art in children’s education. This stance is evident in the thesis statement, body paragraphs, and the concluding remarks.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the essay, the writer could consider anticipating and addressing potential counterarguments. This would demonstrate a more sophisticated engagement with the opposing viewpoint, enhancing the overall persuasive effect.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently, supporting them with reasons and examples. The writer effectively extends arguments, such as how art can promote creativity and serve as a means of emotional expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance the essay, the writer could delve deeper into the examples provided, offering more details or specific instances. Additionally, ensuring a smoother flow between ideas would contribute to a more polished and sophisticated presentation.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the relevance of art in education. However, there are instances where the connection between the points and the main topic could be more explicit.
    • How to improve: Providing clear transitional sentences between paragraphs and ideas would help maintain a strong focus on the central theme. This would contribute to a more organized and logically structured essay.

In summary, the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a well-structured argument in favor of the importance of art in children’s education. To improve, the writer can enhance the depth of analysis, anticipate counterarguments, provide more detailed examples, and ensure a seamless flow between ideas.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization. It starts with a clear introduction outlining the purpose of discussing both views, followed by two well-structured body paragraphs representing opposing opinions, and concludes with a succinct summary. However, there are instances where the flow could be improved. For example, the transition between the two sides in the introduction could be smoother, providing a clearer roadmap for the reader.
    • How to improve: Enhance the introduction’s transition by explicitly stating the structure of the essay, such as mentioning that the first body paragraph will present arguments against teaching art and the second will present arguments in favor. This helps the reader anticipate the essay’s progression.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, some paragraphs could benefit from further development and coherence. For instance, the first body paragraph presents multiple reasons against teaching art but lacks a clear separation of ideas. Each reason could be developed in a separate paragraph for better organization.
    • How to improve: Break down the first body paragraph into distinct paragraphs, each dedicated to elaborating on a single point. This enhances clarity and allows for a more detailed exploration of each argument against teaching art.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: Cohesive devices are utilized, but there is room for improvement. The essay relies heavily on transitional phrases such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which, while effective, could be complemented by a wider variety of cohesive devices, such as pronouns, conjunctions, and adverbs.
    • How to improve: Introduce a greater variety of cohesive devices to create a smoother flow. For instance, replace repetitive phrases with pronouns to maintain coherence. Additionally, consider using conjunctions like "however" and "furthermore" to enhance the connectivity between sentences and paragraphs.

In conclusion, while the essay exhibits a strong coherence and cohesion foundation, refining the transitions in the introduction, restructuring certain paragraphs, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to a more polished and cohesive piece.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is an attempt to incorporate a variety of words, some repetition and reliance on basic vocabulary are noticeable. For instance, phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" are used repeatedly, and the vocabulary used to discuss opposing views could be more diverse.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary, try incorporating more synonyms and varied expressions. Instead of repeatedly using phrases like "on the one hand," consider alternatives like "from one perspective" or "conversely." Additionally, introduce specialized vocabulary related to art and education to showcase a more nuanced understanding.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay tends to use vocabulary in a somewhat imprecise manner. For instance, the phrase "combination reasons" lacks specificity. The usage of "musically inclined individuals" could be more precise, and the term "detriment of other subjects" might benefit from a more specific description of the potential negative impact on academic subjects.
    • How to improve: Strive for precision by avoiding vague terms and using more specific language. Instead of "combination reasons," specify the exact reasons being discussed. When referring to students with a talent for music, consider using a more precise term such as "musically gifted individuals." Provide more clarity when discussing the potential harm to other subjects by specifying which subjects might be affected and how.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, there are instances of misspelled words, such as "stances" instead of "stance" and "musically" instead of "musical."
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully, paying attention to commonly misspelled words. Consider using spelling and grammar-check tools to catch errors. Additionally, focus on specific words that are frequently misspelled to develop a better understanding of their correct spelling.

Overall, the essay exhibits a solid effort in vocabulary use, but there is room for improvement in terms of variety and precision. Additionally, careful attention to spelling accuracy will contribute to a more polished and professional presentation.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures. There is an attempt to vary sentence lengths and structures, including complex and compound sentences. However, some structures are repetitive, and there is a tendency to use simpler sentences. For instance, the repetition of sentence structures like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" could be diversified for a more sophisticated expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and overall effectiveness, strive to incorporate more complex sentence structures. Utilize a mix of compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences. Avoid overusing certain transitional phrases and explore alternative ways to introduce contrasting ideas.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a commendable level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are some instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, the phrase "there are those who think" could be revised to "some argue" for a smoother expression. Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas in sentences like "Furthermore, practicing art can provide a medium through which can express students’ emotions and feelings."
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, consider proofreading the essay for punctuation errors and refining awkward phrasing. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure consistency in tense usage. Review the essay for common grammatical pitfalls and refine them for a more polished presentation.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and structure, but there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy. Strive for a more varied and sophisticated expression while maintaining precision in grammar and punctuation.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some schools of thought argue that art is an essential discipline for children, while an opposing viewpoint contends that it is a waste of time. The purpose of this essay is to discuss both sides of this contentious argument and then explain why I am in agreement with the former view.

On the one hand, proponents of denying the role of art to students tend to point out a combination of reasons. First and foremost, there are those who think that developing art-based subjects at school may have a negative impact on other subjects, especially key subject areas such as science or math. One way of explaining this is that students prefer engaging with colorful crayons or musical notes to studying the intricate concepts of mathematics. This preference may lead to a situation where students become more focused on art, losing interest in academic subjects like math. Another compelling reason is that art lessons are delightful and comfortable, causing children to look forward to art classes, which can result in distractions for students in science subjects.

On the other hand, I support those who argue that art plays a fundamental role in students’ lives. The primary reason is that there are students with a musical inclination, and arts subjects can promote children’s creativity and imagination. Therefore, educating in art-based subjects may enable young talents in athletic and artistic pursuits to be discovered and harnessed, providing the opportunity for them to realize their full potential and making their innate abilities’ benefits more achievable. Furthermore, practicing art can provide a medium through which students can express their emotions and feelings. An illustrative example is that young children, lacking the linguistic capabilities to put their ideas into language and communicate directly, are able to convey meaning through pictures and symbols by using art.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that both sides are justifiable. However, although the viewpoint that studying art is a waste of time and to the detriment of other subjects is valid, art-based subjects still offer a variety of advantages, such as cultivating students’ qualities and helping individuals without the ability to communicate put into words their feelings and desires.

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