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Some people think that countries should produce foods their population eats and import less food as much as possible. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that countries should produce foods their population eats and import less food as much as possible. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Ensuring national food security is undoubtedly one of the chief objectives of any government. To this end, it is proposed that countries should become independent of food imports. While this proposal is indeed beneficial, I would argue it is not a feasible option in many parts of the world.

On the one hand, countries should be encouraged to increase their food self-sufficiency and decrease their reliance on food imports. As for the former, it can lead to an increase in employment opportunities in the field of agriculture, thereby curbing the unemployment rate. This can be seen in rural areas in Vietnam, where a focus on developing the agricultural sector has helped ensure year-round production, providing thousands of jobs for the locals and preventing jobless periods. Regarding minimizing food imports, it can aid in environmental protection, given reduced food miles and thus lower levels of CO2 emissions from food transportation.

On the other hand, producing food domestically is not a viable option for every nation. To be more specific, geographic and climatic conditions in many regions are simply not suitable for agricultural practices. This is evidenced by Japan, whose infertile soil and hostile climate makes it virtually impossible for this country to produce enough food to feed its citizenry. Another example is Kenya, where food insecurity still remains a major issue due to prolonged droughts. For these nations, avoiding food imports would actually be tantamount to causing national food shortages as well as a series of concomitant socio-economic problems.

In conclusion, while there are certain benefits that the policy of food independence can confer upon a nation and the environment, I believe it can prove unfeasible in countries where natural conditions afford the people little choice, so importing foods in this case seems the only way to guarantee their food security.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Ensuring national food security is undoubtedly one of the chief objectives of any government. To this end, it is proposed that countries should become independent of food imports. While this proposal is indeed beneficial, I would argue it is not a feasible option in many parts of the world."
    -> "Ensuring national food security is unequivocally one of the primary objectives of any government. To achieve this, it is suggested that nations strive for autonomy in food production, reducing dependence on food imports. While this proposal offers significant advantages, I contend that it may not be a viable option in numerous regions worldwide."
    Explanation: Replacing "undoubtedly" with "unequivocally" and "chief" with "primary" enhances the formality of the sentence. Substituting "proposed" with "suggested" maintains the academic tone, and replacing "beneficial" with "offers significant advantages" adds precision. The phrase "I would argue" is omitted for a more assertive tone.

  2. "On the one hand, countries should be encouraged to increase their food self-sufficiency and decrease their reliance on food imports. As for the former, it can lead to an increase in employment opportunities in the field of agriculture, thereby curbing the unemployment rate. This can be seen in rural areas in Vietnam, where a focus on developing the agricultural sector has helped ensure year-round production, providing thousands of jobs for the locals and preventing jobless periods."
    -> "On one hand, nations should be incentivized to enhance their food self-sufficiency and reduce dependence on food imports. Regarding the former, this can result in a surge of employment opportunities within the agricultural sector, effectively mitigating the unemployment rate. A compelling example is the rural regions of Vietnam, where an emphasis on agricultural sector development has ensured continuous year-round production, generating employment for thousands of locals and preventing periods of joblessness."
    Explanation: Eliminating "the" before "one hand" and replacing "encouraged" with "incentivized" elevates the formality. Substituting "it can lead to" with "this can result in" enhances precision. The phrase "This can be seen" is replaced with a more formal expression, "A compelling example is," and "locals" is used instead of "people" for specificity.

  3. "On the other hand, producing food domestically is not a viable option for every nation. To be more specific, geographic and climatic conditions in many regions are simply not suitable for agricultural practices. This is evidenced by Japan, whose infertile soil and hostile climate makes it virtually impossible for this country to produce enough food to feed its citizenry. Another example is Kenya, where food insecurity still remains a major issue due to prolonged droughts."
    -> "Conversely, domestic food production is not a feasible option for every nation. To be more precise, the geographic and climatic conditions in numerous regions are unsuitable for agricultural practices. This is exemplified by Japan, where infertile soil and a hostile climate make it virtually impossible for the country to produce sufficient food to feed its population. Another illustration is Kenya, where food insecurity persists as a significant issue due to prolonged droughts."
    Explanation: Substituting "producing" with "domestic food production" and "viable" with "feasible" enhances formality. Changing "not suitable" to "unsuitable" adds precision. Replacing "This is evidenced by" with "This is exemplified by" elevates the academic tone, and "citizenry" is replaced with "population" for a more formal term.

  4. "In conclusion, while there are certain benefits that the policy of food independence can confer upon a nation and the environment, I believe it can prove unfeasible in countries where natural conditions afford the people little choice, so importing foods in this case seems the only way to guarantee their food security."
    -> "In conclusion, although there are undeniable benefits that the policy of food independence can bestow upon a nation and the environment, I contend that it may prove unfeasible in countries where natural conditions offer limited alternatives. Therefore, importing food in such cases appears to be the sole means of ensuring their food security."
    Explanation: Substituting "certain" with "undeniable" enhances formality. Replacing "I believe" with "I contend" strengthens the assertion. Changing "afford the people little choice" to "offer limited alternatives" improves precision. The phrase "so importing foods in this case" is replaced with "Therefore, importing food in such cases" for a more formal expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay comprehensively addresses all aspects of the prompt. It acknowledges the proposal of countries producing their own food, explores the benefits, and presents a counterargument based on geographical and climatic challenges in certain regions.
    • How to improve: While the essay effectively covers all parts of the question, a minor improvement could involve a more explicit connection between the benefits of food self-sufficiency and the overall agreement or disagreement with the proposal. This would enhance the clarity of the stance.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. The author agrees that ensuring national food security is crucial but argues against complete independence due to feasibility issues.
    • How to improve: No major improvements are needed in this aspect. The essay effectively communicates and sustains its position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly, develops them through specific examples (Vietnam, Japan, Kenya), and supports arguments with relevant details, such as the impact on employment and environmental protection.
    • How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the author could consider expanding on the potential consequences of national food shortages and socio-economic problems mentioned in the counterargument. Providing more depth to these points would strengthen the essay’s overall argumentation.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains focus on the given topic, discussing the benefits and challenges of countries producing their own food.
    • How to improve: No significant improvements are needed in this area. The essay effectively addresses the central theme without deviating into unrelated topics.

Overall Comments:
The essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, presenting a well-structured argument with relevant examples. It effectively balances support for the proposal with a realistic consideration of challenges in certain regions. To further enhance the essay, the author could strengthen the explicit connection between the benefits of food self-sufficiency and their stance. Additionally, expanding on the potential consequences of national food shortages would add depth to the counterargument. Overall, an excellent response that meets the criteria for an 8-band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a clear organizational structure. It begins with a strong introduction that outlines the importance of national food security and presents the proposed idea. The body paragraphs effectively present arguments in favor of and against the proposal. The conclusion summarizes the key points and restates the author’s stance. The logical flow is maintained throughout, making it easy for the reader to follow the argument.
    • How to improve: While the logical organization is generally strong, the essay could benefit from a more nuanced discussion within each body paragraph. Subdividing arguments into smaller points with clear transitions would enhance coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is adequately paragraphed, with a clear structure for the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: The essay could further improve its paragraphing by ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that previews the main idea. This would enhance the reader’s understanding of the essay’s structure.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words ("On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion") and pronouns ("it," "this"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence by connecting ideas within and between sentences.
    • How to improve: While the essay already uses cohesive devices effectively, consider incorporating more advanced connectors and synonyms to avoid repetition. Additionally, ensure that the use of pronouns is always clear to avoid confusion.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 7. To further enhance this score, focus on refining the nuanced organization within paragraphs, ensuring clear topic sentences, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices for a more sophisticated and polished expression.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary. There is a good variety of words and phrases employed, contributing to a clear and articulate expression of ideas. For instance, the use of terms such as "food self-sufficiency," "agricultural sector," and "concomitant socio-economic problems" showcases a diverse lexical repertoire.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the lexical richness, consider incorporating more specialized or nuanced vocabulary where applicable. This could involve utilizing subject-specific terminology related to agriculture, environmental science, or socio-economic issues to elevate the discourse.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision, maintaining clarity in expression. However, there are a few instances where words could be more accurately chosen. For instance, in the phrase "causing national food shortages," a more precise term like "triggering" or "exacerbating" might better convey the intended meaning.
    • How to improve: Carefully consider the choice of words in critical areas, ensuring they precisely convey the intended nuances. This can be achieved through a meticulous review of vocabulary use, especially in contexts where precision is crucial.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally high, with no glaring errors. However, it’s essential to be cautious of minor typographical errors, such as "concomitant" instead of "accompanying" and "food security" instead of "food securities."
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread the essay meticulously, paying attention to detail. Consider utilizing spelling and grammar check tools to catch minor errors that might be overlooked in manual proofreading.

In summary, the essay exhibits a strong command of vocabulary, contributing to a well-articulated response. To further improve, focus on incorporating specialized vocabulary, ensuring precision in word choice, and conducting thorough proofreading for minor spelling errors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly good range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the introduction uses a complex sentence ("Ensuring national food security is undoubtedly one of the chief objectives of any government"), and throughout the essay, the writer employs varied sentence structures to convey ideas effectively. However, there is a tendency to rely on some repetitive structures, such as the frequent use of conditional sentences ("While this proposal is indeed beneficial," "Regarding minimizing food imports,"). More diversity in sentence structures would enhance the overall fluency of the essay.
    • How to improve: To improve, try incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures. Consider using more compound-complex sentences and varying the beginnings of sentences. Additionally, explore different sentence functions, such as exclamatory or imperative sentences, to add nuance and complexity.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement could be strengthened. For example, in the sentence "This can be seen in rural areas in Vietnam, where a focus on developing the agricultural sector has helped ensure year-round production," the subject "focus" is singular, but the verb "have" is plural. Additionally, there are a few cases where article usage can be refined, such as "the chief objectives" or "the only way." Punctuation is used effectively overall, but there are occasional comma splices or instances where a semicolon might enhance the clarity of the sentence structure.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage. Proofread the essay carefully to identify and correct instances of comma splices or other punctuation errors. Consider using semicolons where appropriate to create stronger connections between related clauses. Regular practice and review of grammar rules will contribute to improved accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

“Ensuring national food security is unquestionably one of the primary goals for any government. It is suggested that nations aim for self-sufficiency in food production to lessen dependence on food imports. Although this proposal has notable advantages, I argue that it may not be practical in many parts of the world.

On one hand, it is beneficial for countries to enhance their food self-sufficiency and reduce reliance on food imports. This can result in increased job opportunities in the agricultural sector, effectively reducing unemployment rates. A compelling example is seen in the rural regions of Vietnam, where a focus on developing the agricultural sector has ensured continuous year-round production, providing employment for thousands and preventing periods of joblessness.

Conversely, domestic food production is not a viable option for every nation. Specifically, geographic and climatic conditions in numerous regions are unsuitable for agricultural practices. This is evident in Japan, where infertile soil and a hostile climate make it virtually impossible to produce enough food to feed the population. Another illustration is Kenya, where food insecurity persists due to prolonged droughts.

In conclusion, although there are undeniable benefits that the policy of food independence can bring to a nation and the environment, I contend that it may prove unfeasible in countries where natural conditions limit alternatives. Therefore, importing food in such cases appears to be the only means of ensuring their food security.”

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