Some people think that dangerous sports should be banned, while others disagree. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons and include any relevant examples from your knowledge and experience.

It is true that whether high-risk sports should be banned or not remains a controversy in society. Personally, while the potential hazards linked to these sports are undeniable, I firmly believe that the decision to prohibit these sports should be carefully considered because of the thrill and job opportunities that they offer.
On the one hand, participants in dangerous sports , as their name indicates, can be exposed to danger constantly; therefore threatening their physical and mental well-being. First and foremost, participants might face serious injuries or even death due to incidents during the game. For example, while engaging in bungee jumping, some undesired accidents might occur. Specifically, a bungee cord can be entangled around a person’s neck, resulting in restricting blood circulation or causing asphyxiation. Furthermore, participating in dangerous sports might lead to psychological traumas that potentially induce certain mental disorders. If participants have not conducted sufficient research about the sports and the risks, when accidents occur, they are likely to be traumatized by the event, which can affect their lives negatively. For instance, individuals engaging in altitude-related sports, such as skydiving or mountain climbing, are likely to suffer from acrophobia if they underwent accidents while performing these stunts.
On the other hand, there are several factors contributing to the popularity of these types of sport. Firstly, personal preference plays a vital role in the rising number of dangerous sports enthusiasts. This holds especially true to thrill-seekers, who seem to discover extreme and unique experiences, and these stunts are a perfect way for them to gain satisfaction and exhilaration. Secondly, organization and operation of adventure games can provide career opportunities to some individuals. To be more specific, various job positions, namely architects, medical personnel and athletes play a vital role in these activities. Thus, banning dangerous sports might lead to the increase in the unemployment rate.
In conclusion, while risky sports can have harmful effects on physical and metal health of players, banning these is not the most optimal solution due to the arguments that I have presented in this essay.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"It is true that" -> "It is indeed the case that"
Explanation: "It is indeed the case that" introduces a more formal and assertive tone, which is more suitable for academic writing than the more conversational "It is true that."
"remains a controversy" -> "remains a contentious issue"
Explanation: "Controversial" is a more precise term that conveys the ongoing debate or disagreement surrounding the topic, enhancing the academic tone.
"Personally, while" -> "While"
Explanation: Removing "Personally" avoids the informal tone and maintains a more objective, academic stance.
"the thrill and job opportunities" -> "the thrill and employment opportunities"
Explanation: "Employment opportunities" is a more formal and precise term than "job opportunities," aligning better with academic language.
"participants in dangerous sports" -> "individuals engaging in hazardous sports"
Explanation: "Individuals engaging in hazardous sports" is more formal and avoids the colloquial tone of "participants in dangerous sports."
"can be exposed to danger constantly" -> "are constantly exposed to danger"
Explanation: "Are constantly exposed to danger" is more direct and formal, improving the sentence structure and clarity.
"threatening their physical and mental well-being" -> "posing a threat to their physical and mental well-being"
Explanation: "Posing a threat" is a more precise and formal way to express the potential harm, enhancing the academic tone.
"serious injuries or even death" -> "serious injuries or even fatalities"
Explanation: "Fatalities" is a more formal and precise term than "death," which is typically less formal in academic writing.
"undesired accidents" -> "unintended accidents"
Explanation: "Unintended" is a more precise term that better conveys the unexpected nature of the accidents, fitting the formal academic style.
"restricting blood circulation or causing asphyxiation" -> "restricting blood flow or causing asphyxiation"
Explanation: "Restricting blood flow" is a more medically precise term than "restricting blood circulation," aligning better with the context of medical risks.
"psychological traumas" -> "psychological trauma"
Explanation: "Psychological trauma" is the singular form, which is grammatically correct and more commonly used in academic contexts.
"if they underwent accidents" -> "if they experience accidents"
Explanation: "If they experience accidents" corrects the grammatical error and maintains a more formal tone.
"thrill-seekers" -> "adrenaline-seekers"
Explanation: "Adrenaline-seekers" is a more specific and academically appropriate term than "thrill-seekers," which can be seen as informal.
"a perfect way for them to gain satisfaction and exhilaration" -> "an optimal means for them to achieve satisfaction and exhilaration"
Explanation: "An optimal means for them to achieve satisfaction and exhilaration" uses more formal vocabulary and structure, enhancing the academic tone.
"banning these is not the most optimal solution" -> "banning these is not the most effective solution"
Explanation: "Effective" is a more precise and formal term than "optimal" in this context, fitting the academic style better.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument regarding the banning of dangerous sports. The author acknowledges the potential hazards associated with these sports, citing specific examples such as bungee jumping and the psychological effects of accidents. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit statement of the author’s position in the introduction, as it currently presents a somewhat ambiguous stance. The conclusion reiterates the author’s belief against a ban but could be more emphatic in summarizing the key reasons.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should clearly state their position in the introduction, making it unmistakable whether they agree or disagree with the ban. Additionally, providing a brief overview of the main points that will be discussed could help frame the argument more effectively.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally clear position against banning dangerous sports, but the initial phrasing could lead to some confusion. Phrases like "the decision to prohibit these sports should be carefully considered" may imply indecision. The body paragraphs do support the position, but the introduction could be more assertive.
- How to improve: The author should use more definitive language in the introduction and throughout the essay. For instance, instead of saying "should be carefully considered," a stronger phrase like "should not be banned" would clarify the stance. Consistent use of assertive language will reinforce the position taken.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, with clear examples and logical reasoning. The discussion of the dangers of sports is well-articulated, and the mention of job opportunities in the second body paragraph effectively extends the argument against a ban. However, the examples could be more varied to enhance the depth of the argument.
- How to improve: To improve, the author could include additional examples or statistics to support their claims, particularly regarding the economic impact of banning dangerous sports. For instance, mentioning specific industries that rely on these sports could strengthen the argument further.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic, discussing both the dangers and the benefits of dangerous sports. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For example, the mention of psychological trauma is relevant but could be more directly linked to the argument against banning these sports.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly supports the central argument. When discussing the dangers, it would be beneficial to immediately follow up with how these dangers do not warrant a ban, thereby reinforcing the main thesis throughout the essay.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a well-structured argument. By clarifying the position, using more definitive language, diversifying examples, and ensuring every point directly supports the thesis, the author could elevate their score even further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the writer’s stance, while each body paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the argument—one focusing on the dangers of high-risk sports and the other on their benefits. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing dangers to benefits feels somewhat abrupt, which can disrupt the logical flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that link the ideas between paragraphs more explicitly. For example, a sentence at the end of the first paragraph could hint at the upcoming discussion of benefits, such as "Despite these risks, many individuals find value in these sports for several reasons."
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each one focusing on a single main idea. The first paragraph discusses the risks associated with dangerous sports, while the second highlights their advantages. However, the paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of each paragraph more effectively. For instance, the first paragraph could start with a sentence that directly states the dangers of dangerous sports.
- How to improve: Strengthen topic sentences to provide a clear preview of the paragraph’s content. For example, begin the first body paragraph with, "The inherent risks of dangerous sports pose significant threats to participants’ health and safety." This will guide the reader more effectively through the essay’s arguments.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost," "for example," and "on the other hand," which help to connect ideas and indicate shifts in argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some phrases are repeated, which can detract from the overall fluidity of the writing. For instance, the phrase "for example" appears multiple times, which can make the writing feel repetitive.
- How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices by incorporating synonyms and varying the structure of sentences. Instead of repeatedly using "for example," consider alternatives like "for instance," "such as," or "to illustrate." Additionally, using more complex cohesive devices, such as "consequently" or "in contrast," can enhance the sophistication of the writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion with a clear structure and logical flow, there are opportunities for improvement in the areas of transitional phrases, topic sentences, and the variety of cohesive devices used. By addressing these points, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "high-risk sports," "psychological traumas," and "thrill-seekers." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive and lacks variation in expression. For instance, the phrase "dangerous sports" is used multiple times without synonyms or paraphrasing, which could enhance the lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, consider using synonyms or related terms to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "dangerous sports," you could use "extreme sports," "adventure sports," or "high-risk activities." Additionally, incorporating more varied adjectives and adverbs would enrich the language, such as using "perilous" instead of "dangerous" or "exhilarating" instead of "thrilling."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "can be exposed to danger constantly" is vague; it could be more effectively expressed as "are consistently at risk of injury." Moreover, the term "undesired accidents" is awkward; "unforeseen accidents" or "tragic incidents" would convey the intended meaning more clearly.
- How to improve: Focus on selecting words that convey your ideas more accurately. Review phrases and consider whether they clearly express your intended meaning. For instance, instead of "participants might face serious injuries," you could say "participants may sustain severe injuries." This not only clarifies the meaning but also enhances the overall quality of the writing.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with only minor errors. However, there is a notable misspelling of "metal" in the conclusion, which should be "mental." Such errors can detract from the overall impression of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, practice proofreading your work carefully before submission. Consider using tools like spell checkers or reading your essay aloud to catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can be beneficial for ongoing improvement.

In summary, while the essay achieves a Band Score of 6 for Lexical Resource, there are clear areas for improvement. By expanding vocabulary range, ensuring precise word choice, and enhancing spelling accuracy, the overall quality of the writing can be significantly elevated.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences such as "On the one hand, participants in dangerous sports, as their name indicates, can be exposed to danger constantly; therefore threatening their physical and mental well-being" effectively convey nuanced ideas. However, there are instances of simpler sentence structures that could be enhanced, such as "This holds especially true to thrill-seekers," which could be rephrased for greater complexity.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences and varying sentence beginnings. For example, instead of starting sentences with the subject, try starting with adverbial phrases or clauses, such as "While thrill-seekers pursue extreme experiences, they often overlook the associated risks." This will not only enhance the variety but also improve the flow of ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains good grammatical accuracy, but there are some noticeable errors. For instance, in the phrase "participants in dangerous sports , as their name indicates," there is an unnecessary space before the comma. Additionally, the phrase "the harmful effects on physical and metal health" contains a spelling error; "metal" should be "mental." These errors can detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to proofread the essay for typographical errors and punctuation mistakes. Pay particular attention to common pitfalls, such as misplaced commas and spelling errors. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify and rectify these issues. Furthermore, practicing writing under timed conditions can help improve fluency and reduce errors in a real exam setting.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is indeed the case that whether high-risk sports should be banned or not remains a contentious issue in society. Personally, while the potential hazards linked to these sports are undeniable, I firmly believe that the decision to prohibit them should be carefully considered because of the thrill and employment opportunities they offer.

On the one hand, individuals engaging in hazardous sports, as their name indicates, are constantly exposed to danger, posing a threat to their physical and mental well-being. First and foremost, participants might face serious injuries or even fatalities due to incidents during the activity. For example, while engaging in bungee jumping, some unintended accidents might occur. Specifically, a bungee cord can become entangled around a person’s neck, resulting in restricting blood flow or causing asphyxiation. Furthermore, participating in dangerous sports might lead to psychological trauma that can potentially induce certain mental disorders. If participants have not conducted sufficient research about the sports and the associated risks, when accidents occur, they are likely to be traumatized by the event, which can negatively affect their lives. For instance, individuals engaging in altitude-related sports, such as skydiving or mountain climbing, are likely to suffer from acrophobia if they experience accidents while performing these stunts.

On the other hand, there are several factors contributing to the popularity of these types of sports. Firstly, personal preference plays a vital role in the rising number of dangerous sports enthusiasts. This is especially true for adrenaline-seekers, who seem to seek extreme and unique experiences, and these stunts are an optimal means for them to achieve satisfaction and exhilaration. Secondly, the organization and operation of adventure games can provide career opportunities for some individuals. To be more specific, various job positions, such as architects, medical personnel, and athletes, play a vital role in these activities. Thus, banning dangerous sports might lead to an increase in the unemployment rate.

In conclusion, while risky sports can have harmful effects on the physical and mental health of participants, banning these is not the most effective solution due to the arguments I have presented in this essay.