Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so medical services should not be run by profit-making companies. Do the advantages of private health care outweigh the disadvantages?

Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so medical services should not be run by profit-making companies.
Do the advantages of private health care outweigh the disadvantages?

In this day and age, some individuals claim that healthcare should not be driven by profit-making companies because good health is a fundamental human need. Personally, I believe that this development has more drawbacks than benefits, and in this essay, I would prove my perspective on this matter.

On the one hand, one of the primary advantages of private healthcare is the potential for better quality and more effective services. Private healthcare, driven by competition and the need to attract clients(customers), often invest in cutting-edge technology and highly qualified professionals. This can help customers cure in shorter times, more personalized care, and access to the latest treatments and technology. For those who can afford it, private healthcare can provide a level of services that is often superior compared with public systems. For instance, in countries like the United States, private hospitals often have the latest medical equipment and offer specialized treatments that may not be available in public hospitals.

On the other hand, the disadvantages of private healthcare are highly substantial. The most prominent concern is the inequality it creates. In a system where medical services are provided by profit-driven companies, those with higher incomes receive better and faster care, while those with lower incomes are left with fewer options. In consequence, this disparity can lead to impact worse health for lower-income individuals and exacerbate social inequalities. For instance, in countries with a strong private healthcare sector, like India, wealthy individuals can access top hospitals and receive immediate care, while poorer patients often face long waits in overcrowded public facilities.

In conclusion, although there is significant debate about whether the advantages of private healthcare outweigh the disadvantages, I believe that there are more drawbacks than benefits. Specifically, this development could deepen(làm sâu sắc thêm) the divide between rich and poor in terms of overall well-being.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In this day and age" -> "Currently"
   Explanation: "In this day and age" is a colloquial expression. "Currently" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

2. "Personally, I believe" -> "I contend"
   Explanation: "Personally, I believe" is somewhat informal and conversational. "I contend" is more assertive and academically appropriate.

3. "has more drawbacks than benefits" -> "presents more drawbacks than benefits"
   Explanation: "Has" is too informal and vague for this context. "Presents" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style.

4. "I would prove my perspective" -> "I will substantiate my perspective"
   Explanation: "Prove" can imply a definitive demonstration, which may not be accurate in academic discourse. "Substantiate" is more appropriate as it implies providing evidence to support an argument.

5. "driven by competition and the need to attract clients(customers)" -> "motivated by competition and the need to attract clients"
   Explanation: The use of parentheses around "customers" is unnecessary and informal. Removing it maintains the formal tone.

6. "help customers cure in shorter times" -> "enable patients to recover more quickly"
   Explanation: "Cure" is too absolute and informal for academic writing. "Enable patients to recover more quickly" is more precise and appropriate.

7. "more personalized care" -> "more personalized care"
   Explanation: This phrase is redundant as "personalized" already implies individualized care. Removing the repetition enhances clarity.

8. "access to the latest treatments and technology" -> "access to cutting-edge treatments and technologies"
   Explanation: "Latest" is somewhat vague; "cutting-edge" is more specific and academically precise.

9. "highly substantial" -> "substantial"
   Explanation: "Highly" is redundant when used with "substantial." Removing it avoids redundancy and maintains the formal tone.

10. "impact worse health" -> "worsen health"
    Explanation: "Impact" is incorrectly used here; "worsen" is the correct verb to describe the deterioration of health.

11. "làm sâu sắc thêm" -> "further exacerbate"
    Explanation: This is Vietnamese and is not appropriate in an English academic essay. "Further exacerbate" is the correct English term.

12. "could deepen(làm sâu sắc thêm) the divide" -> "could further exacerbate the divide"
    Explanation: Again, Vietnamese is not appropriate in this context. "Further exacerbate" is the correct term to describe the intensification of a divide.

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of private healthcare. The author acknowledges the benefits, such as improved quality of care and access to advanced medical technology, while also highlighting the significant drawbacks, particularly the inequality it creates. The examples provided, such as the healthcare systems in the United States and India, illustrate these points well. However, the essay could have more explicitly stated whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, as this is a key aspect of the prompt.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should clearly articulate their stance on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages in the conclusion. This could involve summarizing the key points made in the body paragraphs and explicitly stating the overall assessment of the balance between pros and cons.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that the disadvantages of private healthcare outweigh the advantages. This position is maintained throughout the essay, with the author consistently supporting their viewpoint with relevant examples and reasoning. The use of phrases like "I believe that this development has more drawbacks than benefits" reinforces the author’s stance. However, the introduction could be slightly more assertive in stating the position to set a stronger tone for the essay.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the author could refine the introduction to more explicitly state their viewpoint on the balance of advantages and disadvantages. A more definitive statement in the introduction would help guide the reader’s understanding of the author’s perspective from the outset.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas effectively, with clear examples illustrating both the advantages and disadvantages of private healthcare. The discussion on the quality of care and technological advancements is well-supported by examples from the United States, while the inequality issue is effectively illustrated with the example of India. However, some points could be further developed to provide a deeper analysis, particularly regarding the implications of the inequality created by private healthcare.
  • How to improve: To improve the depth of analysis, the author could expand on the implications of the inequality discussed. For instance, they could explore how this inequality affects overall public health outcomes or societal stability. Additionally, incorporating more diverse examples or statistics could further substantiate the claims made.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, addressing the prompt directly and avoiding irrelevant information. The discussion stays within the confines of private healthcare and its implications, which is commendable. However, the essay could benefit from a clearer linkage between the points made and the central question of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the author should ensure that each point made explicitly ties back to the question of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. This could be achieved by concluding each paragraph with a sentence that relates the discussion back to the main question, reinforcing the connection between the points made and the overall argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a well-structured argument. With some refinements in clarity and depth, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is well-structured, presenting a clear introduction, body paragraphs that discuss both sides of the argument, and a concise conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, stating the writer’s position. Each body paragraph is dedicated to either the advantages or disadvantages of private healthcare, which aids in logical progression. For example, the first body paragraph outlines the benefits of private healthcare, while the second addresses its drawbacks, allowing the reader to follow the argument easily.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the writer could include transitional phrases between paragraphs to further guide the reader. For instance, using phrases like "In addition to the advantages mentioned," at the beginning of the disadvantages paragraph could create a smoother transition and reinforce the contrast between the two sides.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The paragraphs are of appropriate length and contain a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. For example, the first body paragraph begins with a clear statement about the advantages of private healthcare, followed by supporting details and examples.
  • How to improve: While the paragraphing is generally effective, the writer could enhance clarity by ensuring that each paragraph contains a concluding sentence that summarizes the main point. This would reinforce the argument and help the reader retain the key ideas. For example, after discussing the disadvantages, a sentence like "Thus, the inequality created by private healthcare poses significant ethical concerns" could effectively encapsulate the paragraph’s message.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which clearly delineate the two sides of the argument. Additionally, the use of examples from specific countries strengthens the argument and provides context. However, there is a reliance on a few cohesive devices, which may limit the overall variety in the essay.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer could incorporate a broader range of linking words and phrases. For instance, using alternatives such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," or "Conversely" could enhance the sophistication of the writing. Additionally, varying sentence structures and incorporating more complex cohesive devices, such as "Despite these advantages," could improve the overall flow and coherence of the essay.

In summary, the essay demonstrates strong coherence and cohesion, with a clear organizational structure and effective use of paragraphs. By incorporating smoother transitions, summarizing points within paragraphs, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can further enhance the clarity and sophistication of their writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "fundamental human need," "cutting-edge technology," and "social inequalities." However, the use of vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "private healthcare" and "medical services," which appear frequently without variation. Additionally, the phrase "this development" is vague and could be replaced with more specific terminology to enhance clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve the range of vocabulary, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "private healthcare," alternatives like "private medical services" or "for-profit healthcare" could be utilized. Additionally, varying sentence structure and incorporating idiomatic expressions or more sophisticated vocabulary would elevate the lexical range.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "customers" when referring to patients. This term is more appropriate in a commercial context and may detract from the seriousness of healthcare discussions. Furthermore, the phrase "impact worse health" is awkward and unclear; a more precise expression would be "worsen health outcomes."
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should choose words that accurately reflect the context. For instance, replacing "customers" with "patients" would be more appropriate in a healthcare context. Additionally, revising phrases like "impact worse health" to "worsen health outcomes" would improve clarity and precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling accuracy, with only minor issues. However, the use of parentheses in "deepen(làm sâu sắc thêm)" is unnecessary and disrupts the flow of the text. The inclusion of a non-English term without context may confuse readers and detracts from the overall professionalism of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy and overall presentation, the writer should avoid using parentheses for translations or explanations within the main text. Instead, if a term needs clarification, it could be integrated into the sentence more smoothly or explained in a footnote or separate section. Regular practice with spelling and proofreading can also help maintain accuracy throughout the writing process.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling presentation will enhance the overall quality and clarity of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For example, phrases such as "In this day and age" and "On the one hand" effectively introduce ideas and transitions. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings, such as starting multiple sentences with "private healthcare" or "those with," which can make the writing feel less dynamic. The use of phrases like "for those who can afford it" and "in consequence" shows an attempt to incorporate more sophisticated structures, but the overall range could be expanded further.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider using more introductory phrases or clauses that vary the sentence openings. Incorporating different types of sentences, such as rhetorical questions or exclamatory sentences, can also add interest. For instance, instead of repeatedly beginning sentences with the subject, try starting with an adverbial phrase or a dependent clause. Additionally, using relative clauses can help to combine ideas more fluidly.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For example, the phrase "often invest in cutting-edge technology" should be "often invests" to agree with the singular subject "private healthcare." Additionally, the use of parentheses in "customers(customers)" is unnecessary and disrupts the flow. The punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could be used more effectively, such as after introductory phrases or before conjunctions in compound sentences.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure that verbs match their subjects in number. Additionally, review punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas. Practicing sentence diagramming can help clarify the structure of complex sentences and improve overall accuracy. Finally, consider proofreading for typographical errors, such as the unnecessary parentheses, which can detract from the professionalism of the writing.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, but there are opportunities for improvement in both the variety of sentence structures and the precision of grammar and punctuation. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance the clarity and effectiveness of their argument.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this day and age, some individuals claim that healthcare should not be driven by profit-making companies because good health is a fundamental human need. Personally, I contend that this development presents more drawbacks than benefits, and in this essay, I will substantiate my perspective on this matter.

On the one hand, one of the primary advantages of private healthcare is the potential for better quality and more effective services. Private healthcare, motivated by competition and the need to attract clients, often invests in cutting-edge technology and highly qualified professionals. This can enable patients to recover more quickly, provide more personalized care, and grant access to the latest treatments and technologies. For those who can afford it, private healthcare can provide a level of service that is often superior compared to public systems. For instance, in countries like the United States, private hospitals often have the latest medical equipment and offer specialized treatments that may not be available in public hospitals.

On the other hand, the disadvantages of private healthcare are highly substantial. The most prominent concern is the inequality it creates. In a system where medical services are provided by profit-driven companies, those with higher incomes receive better and faster care, while those with lower incomes are left with fewer options. Consequently, this disparity can worsen health for lower-income individuals and further exacerbate social inequalities. For instance, in countries with a strong private healthcare sector, like India, wealthy individuals can access top hospitals and receive immediate care, while poorer patients often face long waits in overcrowded public facilities.

In conclusion, although there is significant debate about whether the advantages of private healthcare outweigh the disadvantages, I believe that there are more drawbacks than benefits. Specifically, this development could further exacerbate the divide between rich and poor in terms of overall well-being.