Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so the medical service should not be run by profit-making companies. Do you think the disadvantages of private health care outweigh the advantages?
Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so the medical service
should not be run by profit-making companies. Do you think the disadvantages of private health care outweigh the advantages?
One school of thought holds that a crucial aspect of society is having good health. Therefore, the healthcare service might not be operated by privately – owned companies whose primary goal is profit.
While I acknowledge private medical service offers a number of benefits, I personally believe that the disadvantages are more significant.
On the one hand, private healthcare is advantageous in a few aspects. First, the main important merit is that more private medical healthcare may help create new innovations and services. Therefore, it may create profits for these hospitals and also develop modern technologies of medical systems. An additional benefit of private medical services is that these hospitals provide higher-quality services for patients. Private medical systems may have more private rooms even premium rooms. Moreover, it may help people save time because they do not have to line up to wait their turn.
On the other hand, despite the aforementioned benefits, I firmly believe that private healthcare offers more disadvantages. One primary concern is that there may be inequality in access to healthcare. It means that services of private healthcare require high cost which is inaccessible for poor people. This problem may increase the gap between the poor and the rich. Additionally, the last drawback is concern about the morality of private healthcare.
Private healthcare may focus on its benefits, but it prioritizes financial gain over the well-being of patients. Therefore, there may be unnecessary treatment during the healthcare process.
In conclusion, private healthcare services offer numerous advantages. However, it is necessary to acknowledge the potential disadvantages.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"One school of thought holds that a crucial aspect of society is having good health." -> "One perspective is that good health is a fundamental aspect of society."
Explanation: The phrase "One school of thought holds that" is somewhat redundant and informal. Simplifying it to "One perspective is that" maintains the academic tone while enhancing clarity. -
"the healthcare service might not be operated by privately – owned companies whose primary goal is profit." -> "healthcare services should not be managed by privately owned companies whose primary objective is profit."
Explanation: Changing "might not be operated" to "should not be managed" shifts the tone from speculative to a more assertive and formal recommendation. Also, "objective" is more precise than "goal" in this context. -
"I personally believe" -> "I contend"
Explanation: "I contend" is a more formal and assertive expression suitable for academic writing, replacing the more personal and informal "I personally believe." -
"more private medical healthcare" -> "more private medical care"
Explanation: "Medical healthcare" is redundant; "medical care" is the correct term. -
"the main important merit" -> "the primary advantage"
Explanation: "The main important merit" is awkward and redundant. "The primary advantage" is more concise and academically appropriate. -
"more private medical healthcare may help create" -> "increased private medical care may facilitate"
Explanation: "Increased private medical care" is more precise and formal than "more private medical healthcare." "Facilitate" is also more academically formal than "help." -
"it may create profits for these hospitals and also develop modern technologies of medical systems." -> "it may generate profits for these hospitals and advance medical system technologies."
Explanation: "Generate profits" is more specific and formal than "create profits," and "advance medical system technologies" is more precise and formal than "develop modern technologies of medical systems." -
"provide higher-quality services for patients" -> "offer superior services to patients"
Explanation: "Offer superior services" is more concise and formal than "provide higher-quality services." -
"private medical systems may have more private rooms even premium rooms." -> "private medical facilities may offer more luxurious rooms."
Explanation: "Luxurious rooms" is a more precise and formal term than "premium rooms," and "facilities" is more appropriate than "systems" in this context. -
"it may help people save time because they do not have to line up to wait their turn." -> "it may save patients time by eliminating the need to queue."
Explanation: "Save patients time by eliminating the need to queue" is more formal and precise, avoiding the informal "line up to wait their turn." -
"there may be inequality in access to healthcare." -> "there may be disparities in healthcare access."
Explanation: "Disparities in healthcare access" is a more formal and precise term than "inequality in access to healthcare." -
"services of private healthcare require high cost which is inaccessible for poor people." -> "private healthcare services often incur high costs, making them inaccessible to the poor."
Explanation: "Incur high costs" is more formal and precise than "require high cost," and the rephrasing clarifies the relationship between cost and accessibility. -
"the last drawback is concern about the morality of private healthcare." -> "the final drawback is the moral implications of private healthcare."
Explanation: "The moral implications of private healthcare" is a more formal and precise expression than "concern about the morality of private healthcare." -
"Private healthcare may focus on its benefits, but it prioritizes financial gain over the well-being of patients." -> "Private healthcare may prioritize financial gain over patient well-being, despite its benefits."
Explanation: This revision clarifies the contrast between benefits and priorities, making the statement more formal and direct.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of private healthcare. The writer acknowledges the benefits, such as innovation and quality of service, before presenting the disadvantages, particularly concerning inequality and morality. However, the response could be more explicit in directly answering whether the disadvantages outweigh the advantages, as the conclusion somewhat ambiguously states that both sides are acknowledged without a definitive stance.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly state their position in the conclusion, explicitly indicating whether they believe the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. Additionally, each point made should be tied back to the central question to reinforce the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a personal belief that the disadvantages of private healthcare are more significant than the advantages. However, while this position is stated, it could be more consistently reinforced throughout the essay. For instance, the introduction mentions the belief but does not strongly emphasize it in the body paragraphs, which could lead to some ambiguity about the writer’s stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should reiterate their belief in the topic sentences of each body paragraph. This would help to anchor the discussion and remind the reader of the central argument being made.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding both the advantages and disadvantages of private healthcare. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For example, while the essay mentions that private healthcare can lead to innovations, it does not provide specific examples or evidence to substantiate this claim. Similarly, the discussion of morality lacks depth and could benefit from further elaboration.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer should include specific examples, statistics, or real-world scenarios that illustrate the points being made. This would not only enhance the credibility of the arguments but also engage the reader more effectively.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the advantages and disadvantages of private healthcare. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For instance, the mention of "premium rooms" and "saving time" could be more explicitly linked to the overall argument about whether these advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the central question. This can be achieved by consistently linking back to the prompt in each paragraph and ensuring that all examples and arguments serve to clarify the main thesis.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, it could benefit from clearer positioning, more robust support for ideas, and a tighter focus on the prompt. By addressing these areas, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Task Response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the context and states the writer’s position. Each body paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, such as the advantages of private healthcare in the first body paragraph and the disadvantages in the second. However, the transition between the advantages and disadvantages could be smoother, as the shift feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases or sentences that explicitly connect the two sides of the argument. For instance, after discussing the advantages, a sentence like "Despite these benefits, there are significant drawbacks that must be considered" can help bridge the gap between the two perspectives.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first body paragraph discusses the advantages of private healthcare, while the second addresses the disadvantages. However, the conclusion could be more developed to summarize the key points made in the body paragraphs, reinforcing the overall argument.
- How to improve: Ensure that the conclusion not only states the writer’s opinion but also briefly reiterates the main points discussed in the body paragraphs. This can help reinforce the argument and provide a more satisfying closure to the essay. For example, summarizing the key advantages and disadvantages before restating the final opinion would enhance coherence.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal the structure of the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be clearer. For example, phrases like "Moreover" and "Additionally" are used, but the essay could benefit from more varied devices to enhance cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, using "Furthermore," "In contrast," or "Consequently" can help clarify relationships between ideas and improve the overall flow. Additionally, ensure that pronouns and synonyms are used effectively to avoid repetition and maintain coherence throughout the essay.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, implementing the suggested improvements can elevate the writing to a higher level of clarity and sophistication.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "innovations," "inequality," and "morality." However, the use of vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "private healthcare" and "medical service," which appear multiple times without variation. This limits the overall lexical diversity of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly saying "private healthcare," you could use "privately-operated medical services" or "for-profit health systems." This will not only diversify the vocabulary but also make the writing more engaging.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "the last drawback is concern about the morality of private healthcare." The phrase "the last drawback" is vague and could be more clearly articulated. Additionally, "may help create new innovations and services" could be more effectively expressed as "can drive innovation in healthcare services."
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys your intended meaning. For example, instead of "concern about the morality," you could say "ethical concerns regarding private healthcare." Practicing the use of more specific terms will enhance clarity and precision in your writing.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "privately – owned" (should be "privately-owned") and "may help people save time because they do not have to line up to wait their turn" (the phrase "line up to wait" could be simplified to "wait in line"). These errors, while minor, can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After completing your essay, take a moment to read it aloud or use digital tools to check for spelling errors. Additionally, familiarizing yourself with commonly misspelled words in English can help reduce mistakes in future essays.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will contribute to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "One school of thought holds that…" and "On the one hand…" shows an attempt to incorporate more sophisticated structures. However, the essay tends to rely on similar sentence patterns, particularly in the discussion of advantages and disadvantages, which can make the writing feel repetitive.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences that combine multiple ideas. For example, instead of stating "Private medical systems may have more private rooms even premium rooms," the writer could say, "In contrast to public healthcare, which often lacks sufficient facilities, private medical systems not only offer more private rooms but also premium accommodations that cater to patients’ comfort." Additionally, varying the use of introductory phrases and clauses can enhance the richness of the writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally good command of grammar, with only a few errors that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "private medical service offers a number of benefits" is correct, but the subsequent sentence, "the main important merit is that more private medical healthcare may help create new innovations and services," is awkwardly phrased. The use of "more private medical healthcare" is redundant and could be simplified. Punctuation is mostly accurate, though there are some instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before "but" in "Private healthcare may focus on its benefits, but it prioritizes financial gain."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on eliminating redundancy and ensuring clarity in expression. For instance, rephrasing "the main important merit" to "the most significant advantage" would enhance clarity. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will help improve the overall flow of the essay. Practicing sentence combining and restructuring can also aid in reducing awkward phrasing and enhancing coherence.
Overall, while the essay meets the criteria for a Band 7 in Grammatical Range and Accuracy, there is room for improvement in both the variety of sentence structures and the precision of grammatical usage. By focusing on these areas, the writer can aim for a higher band score in future essays.
Bài sửa mẫu
One perspective is that good health is a fundamental aspect of society. Therefore, healthcare services should not be managed by privately-owned companies whose primary objective is profit. While I acknowledge that private medical services offer a number of benefits, I contend that the disadvantages are more significant.
On the one hand, private healthcare has its advantages. First, the primary advantage is that increased private medical care may facilitate new innovations and services. This can generate profits for these hospitals and advance medical system technologies. An additional benefit of private medical services is that these facilities often offer superior services to patients. For instance, private medical facilities may provide more luxurious rooms and amenities. Moreover, it may save patients time by eliminating the need to queue for treatment.
On the other hand, despite these benefits, I firmly believe that private healthcare presents more disadvantages. One primary concern is that there may be disparities in healthcare access. The high costs associated with private healthcare services often make them inaccessible to the poor, which can exacerbate the gap between the rich and the underprivileged. Additionally, the final drawback is the moral implications of private healthcare. While it may offer certain benefits, private healthcare may prioritize financial gain over patient well-being. This focus can lead to unnecessary treatments during the healthcare process.
In conclusion, while private healthcare services offer numerous advantages, it is essential to acknowledge the potential disadvantages.