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Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children.
Do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Nowadays, the situation of childhood obesity has become more and more prevalent and there are many beliefs that the government has responsibility for this issue .In my opinion, I totally disagree with many causes and some solutions for this statement.
On the one hand , there are several reasons why the figure of overweightness children had an increasing trend. Firstly, the main reason comes from the children’s family where the children grew up and educated everyday, so when no management from parents, children will have an incorrect diet and they will become more and more overweight. Secondly, the fatness also comes from the body and eating ability of each child, the more food children eat, the more calories and fatness they will be absorbed. For instance, in Vietnam, there are about 1 million cases of childhood obesity and this number will increase in the near future because of the lack of management from parents in the children’s diet and also the ability of children in eating.
On the other hand, to deal with this issue, I will provide some solution to improve the overweight situation in children. Foremost, parents need to give their children a reasonable diet to improve their overweight situation. Children also should have an exercise schedule and eat more vegetables or fresh fruits and meat to increase protein and nutrient calories. Nowadays, there are many appearances of a healthy diet which can significantly improve health such as eating clean, vegetarian,.. and all of them were really effective for obese children when combined with the exercise schedule like gym, yoga or swimming.
In conclusion, the overweight situation in some children is becoming more and more increasing and the responsibility of parents and children are necessary instead of the government with many reasons and solutions.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Nowadays, the situation of childhood obesity has become more and more prevalent" -> "In recent years, the prevalence of childhood obesity has significantly increased."
    Explanation: Replacing "Nowadays" with "In recent years" provides a more formal and precise introduction to the topic of childhood obesity.

  2. "there are many beliefs that the government has responsibility for this issue" -> "there is a widespread belief that the government bears responsibility for addressing this issue."
    Explanation: Substituting "beliefs" with "widespread belief" and rephrasing the sentence enhances clarity and formality.

  3. "In my opinion, I totally disagree with many causes and some solutions for this statement." -> "Personally, I strongly disagree with several factors contributing to this issue, as well as some proposed solutions."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains a formal tone while expressing disagreement more explicitly and using more precise vocabulary.

  4. "On the one hand," -> "Firstly,"
    Explanation: Replacing "On the one hand" with "Firstly" improves the essay’s structure by introducing a new point more explicitly and concisely.

  5. "the figure of overweightness children had an increasing trend" -> "the prevalence of overweight children has been on the rise."
    Explanation: The revised phrase is more academically appropriate and uses "prevalence" to describe the increase in overweight children.

  6. "when no management from parents" -> "in the absence of parental guidance"
    Explanation: "No management" is too informal; "absence of parental guidance" maintains formality and clarity.

  7. "they will become more and more overweight" -> "they will continue to gain excess weight."
    Explanation: Using "continue to gain excess weight" is a more precise and formal way to convey the idea.

  8. "the fatness also comes from the body and eating ability of each child" -> "obesity is also influenced by each child’s body composition and eating habits."
    Explanation: Replacing "fatness" with "obesity" and "eating ability" with "eating habits" improves precision and formality.

  9. "the more food children eat, the more calories and fatness they will be absorbed." -> "The more food children consume, the greater the number of calories and fat they will accumulate."
    Explanation: This revision uses more precise terms and maintains a formal tone.

  10. "For instance, in Vietnam, there are about 1 million cases of childhood obesity" -> "For example, in Vietnam, there are approximately 1 million cases of childhood obesity."
    Explanation: Using "approximately" is more precise and formal.

  11. "lack of management from parents in the children’s diet" -> "inadequate parental oversight of their children’s dietary habits"
    Explanation: This change provides a more formal and specific description of the issue.

  12. "the ability of children in eating." -> "children’s eating habits."
    Explanation: Replacing "ability of children in eating" with "children’s eating habits" is more academically appropriate and concise.

  13. "to deal with this issue," -> "To address this issue,"
    Explanation: "To address" is a more formal and precise phrase to introduce solutions.

  14. "Foremost, parents need to give their children a reasonable diet" -> "First and foremost, parents should provide their children with a balanced diet."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses a more formal structure and terminology.

  15. "Children also should have an exercise schedule" -> "Additionally, children should follow an exercise regimen."
    Explanation: The revision maintains formality and clarity.

  16. "and eat more vegetables or fresh fruits and meat to increase protein and nutrient calories." -> "and incorporate a variety of vegetables, fresh fruits, and lean meats to enhance their intake of essential nutrients and protein."
    Explanation: This change provides a more detailed and precise recommendation.

  17. "Nowadays, there are many appearances of a healthy diet which can significantly improve health" -> "In recent times, various forms of healthy diets have emerged that can greatly enhance one’s well-being."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains a formal tone and uses more appropriate vocabulary.

  18. "all of them were really effective for obese children when combined with the exercise schedule like gym, yoga or swimming." -> "These dietary approaches have proven highly effective for obese children when combined with exercise routines such as gym workouts, yoga, or swimming."
    Explanation: The revision offers a more precise and formal description of the effectiveness of dietary approaches.

  19. "In conclusion," -> "To conclude,"
    Explanation: "To conclude" is a more formal transition phrase for wrapping up an essay.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does address all parts of the question by presenting both the writer’s stance (disagreeing with the idea that government is responsible for childhood obesity) and providing reasons for this view. However, it could benefit from a more thorough exploration of government’s role or potential involvement.
    • How to improve: To improve, the writer can expand on why they disagree with the idea and consider potential roles or responsibilities of the government in addressing childhood obesity. This will provide a more comprehensive response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout, stating the writer’s disagreement with the idea that government is responsible for childhood obesity.
    • How to improve: No improvement needed in this aspect; the essay effectively presents its position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas and examples related to childhood obesity and its causes. It mentions family responsibility and the child’s eating habits as contributing factors and proposes solutions such as diet and exercise.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the essay should provide more detailed examples and possibly incorporate statistical data or research findings to support the presented ideas.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by discussing childhood obesity and its causes and solutions. However, it slightly deviates towards the end when it suggests that parents and children are responsible instead of the government.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should avoid introducing new ideas in the conclusion that were not previously discussed and instead reiterate their stance and main points.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a clear position and addresses the key aspects of the prompt. To improve, it should provide more detailed examples and evidence to support its arguments and ensure that it stays fully aligned with the prompt’s focus throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. It begins with an introduction that sets up the argument but could benefit from a clearer thesis statement. The body paragraphs discuss reasons for childhood obesity and potential solutions but lack a clear transition between them. The conclusion summarizes the essay’s points but could be more concise.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, start with a clear thesis statement in the introduction. Use transition phrases between paragraphs to guide the reader through the argument. Consider grouping related points together for improved coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their structure and effectiveness can be improved. Each paragraph generally addresses a single point, but there is room for more detailed development within each paragraph. The transitions between paragraphs need improvement, making the essay feel disjointed at times.
    • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and provides sufficient supporting details and examples. Use transitional phrases to connect ideas between paragraphs, creating a smoother flow in the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay makes use of some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand." However, there is limited variety in cohesive devices used, which affects the overall cohesion of the essay. Additionally, some sentences lack clarity due to awkward phrasing.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices, including pronouns, conjunctions, and linking words, to create a more seamless flow between sentences and paragraphs. Pay close attention to sentence structure and phrasing to ensure clarity and readability.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear stance on the topic of childhood obesity and provides reasons and solutions, there is room for improvement in organizing information more logically, refining paragraph structure and effectiveness, and using a wider range of cohesive devices. Implementing these suggestions can help elevate the essay’s coherence and cohesion, ultimately improving its overall quality.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderately wide range of vocabulary. There is some variety in word choice, such as "overweightness," "fatness," and "obese" used to discuss childhood obesity. However, the vocabulary could be more diverse to enhance the richness of expression. The essay tends to repeat certain words and phrases, like "children" and "diet," without exploring synonyms or alternative expressions.
    • How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should make an effort to incorporate a broader array of vocabulary. Instead of repeatedly using terms like "children," consider using synonyms like "juveniles," "youth," or "adolescents" where appropriate. Additionally, try to introduce more nuanced and descriptive vocabulary to elaborate on ideas and provide a richer context.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with reasonable precision, but there are some instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "fatness also comes from the body and eating ability of each child" could be more precise. It’s not the eating ability but rather eating habits or patterns that contribute to obesity. Additionally, the term "ability of children in eating" could be replaced with "eating habits of children."
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, it’s essential to carefully choose words and phrases that accurately convey the intended meaning. Before using a word or expression, consider whether it precisely reflects the idea you want to convey. In this case, using "eating habits" instead of "eating ability" would be more accurate.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates acceptable spelling accuracy, with only minor errors. For instance, there is a minor issue with the word "overweightness," which should be spelled as "overweight." Additionally, there is a missing "s" in the phrase "eating ability of each child," which should read as "eating abilities of each child."
    • How to improve: To further improve spelling accuracy, it is advisable to proofread the essay carefully or consider using spelling and grammar-checking tools. Pay attention to common spelling errors, and practice spelling the words correctly to develop better spelling skills.

Overall, the essay’s Lexical Resource is reasonably effective, with room for improvement in vocabulary diversity and precision. Spelling is generally accurate, with only minor errors that can be easily rectified with careful proofreading. To enhance the Lexical Resource further, the writer should focus on expanding vocabulary and using words with greater precision in context.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses a fairly limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, with little variation in complexity. For example, "Nowadays, the situation of childhood obesity has become more and more prevalent" and "On the one hand, there are several reasons why the figure of overweightness children had an increasing trend" both follow a straightforward subject-verb-object structure.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and readability, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences or using phrases and clauses to add depth and complexity to your ideas. For instance, you could rephrase the above sentences as, "In recent times, the prevalence of childhood obesity has surged significantly," and "On one hand, various factors contribute to the growing incidence of childhood obesity."
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally maintains grammatical coherence, there are some notable errors. For example, "I totally disagree with many causes and some solutions for this statement" should be revised to "I strongly disagree with both the causes and proposed solutions presented in this statement." There are also issues with punctuation and article usage, such as "Firstly, the main reason comes from the children’s family…" which should be "Firstly, the primary reason stems from the family environment of the children…". Additionally, the essay could benefit from a more consistent use of commas for clarity.
    • How to improve: Carefully proofread your essay for grammatical accuracy and punctuation consistency. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and article usage. Consider seeking assistance from writing resources or a tutor to address these specific issues. Additionally, practicing complex sentence structures will naturally improve your overall grammatical accuracy.

Overall, while your essay demonstrates a reasonable command of grammar and punctuation, expanding your sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy will contribute to an even stronger essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, the prevalence of childhood obesity has significantly increased, and there is a widespread belief that the government bears responsibility for addressing this issue. Personally, I strongly disagree with several factors contributing to this issue, as well as some proposed solutions.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why the figure of overweight children has been on the rise. Firstly, the main reason comes from the children’s family environment where they grow up and receive daily education. When there is a lack of parental guidance, children tend to adopt incorrect dietary habits, leading to weight gain. Secondly, obesity is also influenced by each child’s body composition and eating habits. The more food children consume, the greater the number of calories and fat they will accumulate. For example, in Vietnam, there are approximately 1 million cases of childhood obesity, primarily due to inadequate parental oversight of their children’s dietary habits and children’s eating habits.

On the other hand, to address this issue, first and foremost, parents should provide their children with a balanced diet. Additionally, children should follow an exercise regimen and incorporate a variety of vegetables, fresh fruits, and lean meats to enhance their intake of essential nutrients and protein. In recent times, various forms of healthy diets have emerged that can greatly enhance one’s well-being. These dietary approaches have proven highly effective for obese children when combined with exercise routines such as gym workouts, yoga, or swimming.

In conclusion, the prevalence of childhood obesity has significantly increased, and while there is a widespread belief that the government should take responsibility for this issue, I disagree. The responsibility primarily lies with parents and children due to various factors and the effectiveness of solutions involving diet and exercise.

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