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Some people think that governments should support retired people financially while others believe they should take care of themselves. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people think that governments should support retired people financially while others believe they should take care of themselves. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

When population aging become an issue in many countries, social welfare provision for the elderly has been a subject of significant concern . While some people argue that the senior citizens should be taken care by the financial support from the government, I contend that these individuals should also take proactive measures to prepare for their retirement.

There are a few reasons why the authority should financially sponsor ASSISTANCE for old people relating to their contributions to society and the difficulty of finding a job at the old ages. In terms of the former, this is because the elderly have MADE SUBSTANTIAL CONTRIBUTIONS TO SOCIETY, which develop the economy and science in their countries and around the world. Therefore, they are deserving of financial aid to ensure a decent quality of life during their retirement years. Regarding the latter, this is because of their age and their health, so they hardly find a job to earn money and they can not afford the medical services bills. Therefore, the governmental aid is important for them to enhance their well-being.

However, many people could hold the view that senior citizens have responsibility for looking after themselves. One reason for this view is because the working people will have to pay higher taxes to sustain national expenses. Consequently, this could lead them to be put under the finance pressure, and thus they could not pay their expenses and bills. Another reason is that if the governments support the elderly completely, they might become lazy and not prepare for their retirement. As a result, this could result in a waste of financial resources, so the authorities could not have money for public constructions such as transport systems and infrastructure.

In conclusion, while the financial aid from the governments for old people is important, I strongly believe that doing so to some extent is better. It is recommended that people should make savings and work hard to be able to support themselves when they are retired.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "When population aging become an issue in many countries, social welfare provision for the elderly has been a subject of significant concern." -> "As population aging becomes an issue in many countries, the provision of social welfare for the elderly has become a subject of significant concern."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to use "becomes" instead of "become" improves grammatical accuracy. Also, the revised sentence employs a more formal tone with refined syntax.

  2. "While some people argue that the senior citizens should be taken care by the financial support from the government, I contend that these individuals should also take proactive measures to prepare for their retirement." -> "While some argue for government financial support for senior citizens, I contend that these individuals should also take proactive measures to prepare for their retirement."
    Explanation: Simplifying the sentence structure and replacing "taken care by" with "taken care of" enhances clarity and maintains formality.

  3. "There are a few reasons why the authority should financially sponsor ASSISTANCE for old people relating to their contributions to society and the difficulty of finding a job at the old ages." -> "There are several reasons why authorities should financially support assistance for the elderly, considering their contributions to society and the challenges of finding employment in old age."
    Explanation: Replacing "authority" with "authorities" corrects the subject-verb agreement. Additionally, using "support assistance for the elderly" is more precise than "financially sponsor ASSISTANCE for old people."

  4. "In terms of the former, this is because the elderly have MADE SUBSTANTIAL CONTRIBUTIONS TO SOCIETY, which develop the economy and science in their countries and around the world." -> "Regarding the former, this is because the elderly have made substantial contributions to society, contributing to the development of the economy and science in their countries and around the world."
    Explanation: Capitalizing "MADE SUBSTANTIAL CONTRIBUTIONS TO SOCIETY" is unnecessary and less formal. The revised sentence maintains the emphasis on the contributions while presenting it in a more standard format.

  5. "Therefore, they are deserving of financial aid to ensure a decent quality of life during their retirement years." -> "Therefore, they deserve financial aid to ensure a decent quality of life during their retirement years."
    Explanation: Simplifying the phrase to "they deserve" maintains formality and conciseness without compromising the intended meaning.

  6. "Regarding the latter, this is because of their age and their health, so they hardly find a job to earn money and they can not afford the medical services bills." -> "Concerning the latter, this is due to their age and health, making it difficult for them to find employment and afford medical service bills."
    Explanation: The revision streamlines the sentence, eliminates redundancy, and uses more precise language, aligning with academic formality.

  7. "Consequently, this could lead them to be put under the finance pressure, and thus they could not pay their expenses and bills." -> "Consequently, this could subject them to financial pressure, making it challenging for them to meet their expenses and bills."
    Explanation: Replacing "lead them to be put under the finance pressure" with "subject them to financial pressure" enhances clarity and maintains formality.

  8. "As a result, this could result in a waste of financial resources, so the authorities could not have money for public constructions such as transport systems and infrastructure." -> "As a result, this could lead to a wastage of financial resources, limiting the authorities’ capacity to invest in public constructions, such as transport systems and infrastructure."
    Explanation: The revision addresses redundancy and replaces "waste" with "wastage" for a more formal tone. It also improves clarity in the latter part of the sentence.

  9. "It is recommended that people should make savings and work hard to be able to support themselves when they are retired." -> "It is advisable for individuals to save and work diligently to ensure self-sufficiency in retirement."
    Explanation: The revised sentence eliminates redundancy by removing "should" after "people" and employs more formal language for a nuanced and precise expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing the idea of government financial support for retired individuals and presenting the opposing view that they should take care of themselves. Relevant sections are cited, such as the contributions of elderly individuals and the potential drawbacks of complete government support.
    • How to improve: While the essay is generally comprehensive, providing more nuanced examples and specific instances related to the contributions of elderly individuals and potential drawbacks of complete government support could enhance the depth of analysis.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout by advocating for a balanced approach, acknowledging the importance of financial aid while emphasizing individual responsibility in retirement preparation.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity, the essay could explicitly state its stance in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion, ensuring a more cohesive presentation of the author’s viewpoint.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas with some clarity, but there is room for improvement in the development of supporting details. For instance, the mention of contributions by elderly individuals could be further elaborated with specific examples, adding depth to the argument.
    • How to improve: Provide more concrete examples to illustrate the contributions of the elderly to society and elaborate on the potential consequences of complete government support, offering specific scenarios or evidence to strengthen the essay’s points.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the key elements of government financial support and individual responsibility in retirement. However, there are moments of inconsistency, such as the brief mention of the difficulty of finding a job at old ages, which could be explored further for coherence.
    • How to improve: Ensure that all points raised directly contribute to the central theme. For example, expand on the challenges of finding employment at an older age to maintain relevance and coherence throughout the essay.

Overall Feedback:
The essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and offers a well-structured response. To enhance the essay further, consider providing more detailed examples, explicitly stating the author’s position in the introduction and conclusion, and ensuring a consistent focus on the central theme. Additionally, refine the language for greater precision and coherence, addressing minor grammatical errors and refining expressions for a more polished presentation.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction sets the stage by addressing the issue of population aging and introducing the two contrasting views. Body paragraphs follow a clear structure, discussing reasons for government financial support in one paragraph and arguments against it in the next. The essay concludes by restating the author’s opinion. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing that affect clarity, such as "financially sponsor ASSISTANCE" and "have MADE SUBSTANTIAL CONTRIBUTIONS TO SOCIETY," which disrupt the smooth flow of ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, strive for clearer and more concise expressions. Avoid convoluted phrases and ensure that each sentence contributes to the overall coherence. Consider revising sentences like "financially sponsor ASSISTANCE" to "financially support assistance" for better clarity.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, maintaining a coherent structure. However, there are moments where ideas within paragraphs could be more precisely connected, and transitions between paragraphs could be smoother.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence. Strengthen the connections between sentences and paragraphs by using transition words and phrases. For instance, use words like "Furthermore" or "On the other hand" to guide the reader through the logical progression of ideas.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, including pronouns ("they," "their"), conjunctions ("while," "but," "because"), and linking words ("therefore," "consequently"). However, the overuse of certain phrases like "financial aid" and "retirement" could be diversified to enhance cohesion.
    • How to improve: Explore a broader range of cohesive devices to maintain the reader’s interest. Replace repetitive phrases with synonyms or alternate expressions. For instance, consider using "financial support" instead of consistently relying on "financial aid." Additionally, be mindful of pronoun clarity to avoid confusion.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid organizational structure and appropriate paragraphing, refining language clarity and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to a more cohesive and coherent presentation.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a satisfactory range of vocabulary, but there is room for improvement. The use of phrases like "significant concern" and "substantial contributions to society" demonstrates a decent level of vocabulary. However, some repetition, such as the frequent use of "financial aid," could be addressed to enhance variety.
    • How to improve: To elevate the range of vocabulary, try incorporating more diverse synonyms and expressions. Instead of repeatedly using "financial aid," consider alternatives like "economic support" or "financial assistance." Additionally, introduce more varied vocabulary in discussing the elderly’s contributions to society and the challenges they face in retirement.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: There is a mixture of precise and imprecise vocabulary. For instance, phrases like "made substantial contributions" and "enhance their well-being" are precise. However, imprecise language like "ASSISTANCE for old people" and "to some extent is better" could be refined for clarity.
    • How to improve: Focus on using more specific and accurate terms. Instead of "assistance for old people," consider "financial support for senior citizens." Similarly, refine the concluding statement to specify the degree to which financial aid is recommended. For example, "limited financial support is preferable" provides a clearer stance.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally acceptable, with only a few minor errors like "become an issue in many countries" (becomes an issue) and "looking after themselves" (look after themselves). However, these do not significantly impact the overall spelling accuracy.
    • How to improve: Continue to pay attention to spelling details. Consider proofreading the essay thoroughly to catch any minor errors. Using spelling and grammar tools can also assist in enhancing accuracy.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, there is an opportunity to elevate it through more variety and precision. Additionally, maintaining a high level of spelling accuracy will contribute to an overall improvement in the lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable variety of sentence structures. There is an attempt to use complex sentences, though some constructions are repetitive and lack sophistication. For instance, the author frequently uses the structure "because + reason." While this is effective in conveying ideas, more diverse sentence structures, such as conditional sentences or inversion, could elevate the essay’s overall quality.
    • How to improve: To enhance the essay’s grammatical range, consider incorporating different sentence structures. Introduce conditional sentences (e.g., "If governments provide support, citizens may become dependent"), use inversion for emphasis (e.g., "Not only do governments face financial constraints, but citizens also share the burden"), and experiment with more complex syntactic constructions to demonstrate a higher level of linguistic proficiency.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, in the sentence "When population aging become an issue," the verb should be in the past tense, i.e., "became." Additionally, there are errors in subject-verb agreement, such as "the authority should financially sponsor ASSISTANCE," where the plural subject requires the plural verb "sponsor."
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, careful proofreading is essential. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency. For instance, ensure that the subject and verb agree in number, and maintain a consistent tense throughout each sentence. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-check tools to identify and rectify errors. Additionally, expanding your knowledge of grammatical rules through practice and studying reputable grammar resources can contribute to enhanced accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of English, refining sentence structures and addressing grammatical errors can elevate the essay to a higher band score. Consistent practice, proofreading, and exposure to a variety of sentence constructions will contribute to the development of a more sophisticated writing style.

Bài sửa mẫu

As population aging becomes a concern in many countries, the provision of social welfare for the elderly has garnered significant attention. While some advocate for government financial support for senior citizens, I argue that these individuals should also proactively prepare for their retirement.

There are compelling reasons why authorities should provide financial assistance to the elderly, taking into account their contributions to society and the challenges of securing employment in old age. Concerning the former, the elderly have made substantial contributions to society, fostering economic and scientific development in their countries and globally. Consequently, they deserve financial aid to ensure a decent quality of life during their retirement years. Regarding the latter, their age and health make finding employment and affording medical bills challenging, potentially subjecting them to financial pressure and difficulty meeting expenses.

Supporting the elderly financially is essential to prevent a wastage of resources, limiting the government’s capacity to invest in public constructions like transport systems and infrastructure.

However, it is advisable for individuals to save and work diligently, ensuring self-sufficiency in retirement. While some argue for complete government support for retired individuals, I believe a balanced approach is more prudent. This is because over-reliance on governmental aid may lead to financial laziness among the elderly and pose a burden on working individuals who would face higher taxes to sustain national expenses. Striking a balance ensures financial responsibility among retirees while maintaining the government’s capacity for essential public investments. In conclusion, a measured approach that combines government support with individual preparation is crucial in addressing the needs of the aging population.

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