Some people think that having a set retirement age for everybody regardless of occupation is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an early age. Do you agree or disagree?
In the digital age, retirement age is one of the most controversial issues in most countries. Some people argued that it is unreasonable that all professions have similar retirement age because there are some occupations that merit to retire earlier. In my point of view, I totally agree that the working age should be limited to some specific jobs.
It is reasonable to argue that careers involved in physical health need to give individuals early retirement. The elderly’s health tends to become weaker so they could not bear jobs which are extremely strenuous such as workers, lifeguards, etc. If they keep working those jobs when they get older, it will have adverse effects on their health. Moreover, they are likely to suffer from some diseases related to bones and joints.
Additionally, this is further strengthened by the fact that mental health also influences the retirement age. It can be seen that the older’s cognitive skills seem to be lessened in the light of memory problems. Besides, they could not stand the pressure of the work environment thus they might be under stress coupled with contracting neurologic diseases. The case in point is some academic occupations like scientists, professors, etc. As a result, it would impact the efficiency and quality of their work.
In conclusion, it is believed that particular workers are allowed to retire and given pension as the other at an early stage, and I completely agree with this statement. This issue needs to be considered carefully to set a reasonable retirement age.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"Some people argued" -> "Some individuals argue"
Explanation: Changing "argued" to "argue" maintains present tense, which is more appropriate for discussing an ongoing or general point. Also, replacing "people" with "individuals" adds formality to the sentence.
"it is unreasonable that all professions have similar retirement age" -> "it is unreasonable for all professions to have the same retirement age"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality while maintaining the original meaning.
"merit to retire earlier" -> "merit early retirement"
Explanation: Simplifying the phrase to a more concise form that suits academic style and maintains clarity.
"In my point of view" -> "From my perspective" or "In my opinion"
Explanation: The phrase "In my point of view" can be replaced with more standard expressions like "From my perspective" or "In my opinion" for a more formal tone.
"they could not bear jobs" -> "they may not be able to manage jobs"
Explanation: Substituting "bear" with "manage" maintains the context while presenting a more formal choice of words.
"extremely strenuous such as workers, lifeguards, etc." -> "excessively strenuous, for example, laborers and lifeguards"
Explanation: Using "excessively" instead of "extremely" enhances the formality. Also, replacing "etc." with specific examples improves precision in communication.
"adverse effects" -> "negative repercussions"
Explanation: "Adverse effects" can be substituted with "negative repercussions" to offer a more formal and descriptive term.
"mental health also influences" -> "mental health plays a role in"
Explanation: Replacing "influences" with "plays a role in" maintains the context in a more formal tone.
"cognitive skills seem to be lessened" -> "cognitive abilities appear to diminish"
Explanation: Using "diminish" instead of "lessened" provides a more formal and precise description of the decline in cognitive skills.
"As a result, it would impact" -> "Consequently, this would impact"
Explanation: Using "Consequently" instead of "As a result" maintains the flow while adding a slightly more formal tone.
"particular workers are allowed to retire" -> "specific workers are permitted to retire"
Explanation: Replacing "particular" with "specific" and using "permitted" instead of "allowed" maintains formality and clarity.
"given pension as the other at an early stage" -> "provided pensions earlier than others"
Explanation: Rewording for clarity and conciseness while maintaining formality.
"This issue needs to be considered carefully" -> "This issue requires careful consideration"
Explanation: The revised phrase offers a more formal and direct expression without altering the original meaning.
"to set a reasonable retirement age" -> "to establish a reasonable retirement age"
Explanation: "Set" is replaced with "establish" for a more formal and precise term fitting academic style.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Quoted text: "In the digital age, retirement age is one of the most controversial issues in most countries. Some people argued that it is unreasonable that all professions have similar retirement age because there are some occupations that merit to retire earlier. In my point of view, I totally agree that the working age should be limited to some specific jobs."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction lacks clarity in presenting the writer’s stance. While it indicates agreement with the idea that working age should be limited to specific jobs, the expression is convoluted. To enhance clarity, consider rephrasing the introduction to succinctly state your position and provide a brief overview of the main reasons you will discuss.
- Improved example: "In the modern era, the topic of retirement age sparks considerable debate. I firmly believe that certain professions warrant an earlier retirement. In this essay, I will explore the rationale behind advocating for a tailored working age for specific occupations."
Quoted text: "It is reasonable to argue that careers involved in physical health need to give individuals early retirement. The elderly’s health tends to become weaker so they could not bear jobs which are extremely strenuous such as workers, lifeguards, etc. If they keep working those jobs when they get older, it will have adverse effects on their health. Moreover, they are likely to suffer from some diseases related to bones and joints."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your point about physical health affecting the ability to handle strenuous jobs is valid. However, the explanation lacks depth. To improve, provide more specific examples or scenarios that demonstrate the impact of physical health on job performance, making your argument more persuasive.
- Improved example: "Certain professions demanding physical exertion, like construction workers or lifeguards, necessitate an early retirement due to the inevitable decline in physical health with age. For instance, prolonged exposure to physically demanding tasks can lead to chronic health issues, such as joint problems or muscular ailments."
Quoted text: "Additionally, this is further strengthened by the fact that mental health also influences the retirement age. It can be seen that the older’s cognitive skills seem to be lessened in the light of memory problems. Besides, they could not stand the pressure of the work environment thus they might be under stress coupled with contracting neurologic diseases. The case in point is some academic occupations like scientists, professors, etc. As a result, it would impact the efficiency and quality of their work."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The point about mental health influencing retirement age is valid, but it needs more specific examples and elaboration. Provide instances where cognitive decline could directly impact job performance, and consider a smoother transition between ideas for coherence.
- Improved example: "Furthermore, mental health considerations are paramount in determining retirement age. For instance, in intellectual professions such as scientists or professors, age-related cognitive decline, manifested through memory issues, can significantly impede the quality of work. The inability to cope with workplace pressures may lead to increased stress levels, potentially contributing to neurological disorders."
Overall, the essay addresses the task, but some ideas lack sufficient development and clarity, impacting the overall coherence and persuasiveness. Adding specific examples and refining the structure will enhance the essay’s overall quality.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally clear organization of ideas and a progression throughout. The introduction introduces the topic, and each paragraph discusses a specific aspect of the argument. However, there is room for improvement in terms of coherence and cohesion. The use of cohesive devices is effective, but there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences may be somewhat faulty or mechanical. For example, the transition between the first and second paragraphs could be smoother for better logical flow. Paragraphing is utilized, but not consistently logically.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on improving the logical flow between paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph connects seamlessly to the next, creating a smooth transition of ideas. Use a variety of cohesive devices more consistently, and consider revising sentences for improved clarity and cohesion. Additionally, refine paragraphing to ensure a more logical structure throughout the essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay showcases an attempt at utilizing a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. It demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and offers explanations, albeit with some limitations. There’s an effort to use less common vocabulary, particularly in the discussion of physical and mental health-related professions. However, there are areas where word choices are repetitive or lack variety, causing a somewhat limited range of vocabulary. While the essay attempts to discuss different occupations and their relation to early retirement, it falls short in presenting a sophisticated control of lexical features. There are spelling and grammatical issues, hindering the overall flow and precision.
How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource criteria, focus on expanding vocabulary with more diverse and appropriate terms related to retirement, professions, and health issues. Work on avoiding repetition and strive for a more sophisticated choice of words and phrases. Proofread the essay to rectify spelling and grammatical errors that detract from the clarity of the content. Additionally, aim to maintain a consistent level of formality and coherence throughout the essay.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of a variety of complex structures, contributing to a Band 7 score. The writer successfully employs a mix of sentence forms, incorporating both simple and complex structures. There is evident effort to use diverse sentence patterns, enhancing the overall grammatical range. The essay maintains frequent error-free sentences, showcasing a good control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are some grammatical errors and inconsistencies present. For example, in the sentence, "Some people argued that it is unreasonable," the verb tense should be consistent, either "argue" or "argued." Additionally, there are instances where articles are missing, such as "elderly’s health" instead of "the elderly’s health." These errors, though noticeable, do not significantly impede communication.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay careful attention to verb tense consistency and article usage. Proofreading the essay before submission will help identify and rectify these minor errors. Additionally, focusing on maintaining clarity and precision in expression will contribute to an even stronger performance in the grammatical range and accuracy criteria.
Bài sửa mẫu
In today’s digital era, the topic of retirement age sparks considerable debate worldwide. Some individuals argue that applying a uniform retirement age to all professions is unjust, contending that certain occupations warrant an earlier retirement. From my perspective, I wholeheartedly agree that the age at which individuals cease working should be tailored to specific jobs.
It is logical to assert that occupations involving physical exertion should permit early retirement for individuals. As individuals age, their physical health often declines, rendering them incapable of managing strenuous jobs such as manual laborers or lifeguards. Persisting in such demanding roles during later years could detrimentally impact their health, potentially leading to bone and joint-related ailments.
Furthermore, the impact of mental health on retirement age is undeniable. It is evident that cognitive abilities tend to diminish with age, manifesting as memory issues. Additionally, the stressors of a work environment may become overwhelming, contributing to heightened stress levels and an increased susceptibility to neurological diseases. This is notably applicable to certain academic professions like scientists and professors, potentially compromising the efficiency and quality of their work.
In conclusion, advocating for the allowance of early retirement and pension benefits for specific categories of workers is a valid standpoint, and I fully support this perspective. It is imperative to approach the determination of retirement age with careful consideration, tailoring it to the nature of each occupation for a more equitable outcome.