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Some people think that it is best to live in a horizontal city while others think of a vertical city. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people think that it is best to live in a horizontal city while others think of a vertical city. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

The first reason is always have a comfortable atmosphere in horizontal city. Because we can plant various trees in the garden such as durians , carrots, cabbages and another flowers we want. Every week, I see my neighbor do this activity with their children, they look happy and their child look intelligence because they move to their phone.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "always have" -> "to always have"
    Explanation: Adding "to" before "always have" improves grammatical correctness, making the sentence structure clearer and more formal.

  2. "horizontal city" -> "urban environment" or "cityscape"
    Explanation: "Horizontal city" is an uncommon and vague term. Replacing it with "urban environment" or "cityscape" offers a clearer and more sophisticated description.

  3. "we can plant various trees in the garden such as durians" -> "various trees, such as durians, can be planted in the garden"
    Explanation: Rearranging the sentence structure and using passive voice enhances formality. Additionally, specifying "such as durians" with commas improves clarity.

  4. "another flowers" -> "other flowers"
    Explanation: "Another" is used incorrectly here. "Other" is the appropriate term to refer to additional flowers besides those already mentioned.

  5. "Every week, I see my neighbor do this activity with their children" -> "Every week, I observe my neighbors engaging in this activity with their children"
    Explanation: Rephrasing the sentence in a more formal manner by replacing "see" with "observe" and using the plural form "neighbors" instead of "neighbor" improves academic tone.

  6. "they look happy and their child look intelligence because they move to their phone" -> "they appear happy, and their children seem intellectually stimulated as they move away from their phones."
    Explanation: Replacing "look" with "appear" and "look intelligence" with "seem intellectually stimulated" enhances precision and formality. Additionally, "move to their phone" is unclear; "move away from their phones" clarifies the intended meaning.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 9

Band Score for Task Response: 9 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both views by briefly mentioning the benefits of living in a horizontal city, particularly emphasizing the comfortable atmosphere and the opportunity for gardening activities. However, it lacks depth and fails to thoroughly discuss the advantages and disadvantages of both horizontal and vertical cities.
    • How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide a more comprehensive analysis of the benefits and drawbacks of both horizontal and vertical cities. This can be achieved by dedicating separate paragraphs to each viewpoint and supporting them with relevant examples and arguments.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay’s position is somewhat ambiguous. While it briefly mentions the benefits of living in a horizontal city, it does not explicitly state a clear stance or opinion on whether living in a horizontal or vertical city is preferable.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay should clearly state the author’s opinion or preference regarding living in either a horizontal or vertical city in the introduction and maintain this stance throughout the essay. This can help the reader understand the perspective of the writer more effectively.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks coherence and development of ideas. The discussion on the benefits of living in a horizontal city is limited and lacks elaboration or support. Additionally, the example provided regarding gardening activities is weak and does not effectively illustrate the advantages of horizontal cities.
    • How to improve: To improve, the essay should extend and support its ideas with more specific examples, reasoning, and evidence. This can be achieved by providing detailed explanations and real-life examples to substantiate the arguments presented.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay partially stays on topic by discussing the advantages of living in a horizontal city. However, it veers off-topic with the mention of neighbors gardening and their children’s activities with phones, which detracts from the focus on the comparison between horizontal and vertical cities.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should avoid introducing irrelevant details or anecdotes and instead concentrate on discussing the merits and drawbacks of horizontal and vertical cities as outlined in the prompt. This can help ensure that the essay remains relevant and coherent.

Overall, while the essay makes an attempt to address the prompt, it falls short in several key areas including depth of analysis, clarity of position, development of ideas, and staying on topic. By providing more thorough explanations, clearer opinions, supported arguments, and maintaining focus, the essay could significantly improve its coherence and effectiveness in addressing the task requirements.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 3

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 3

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks logical organization, making it challenging for the reader to follow the writer’s arguments. The ideas are scattered and poorly connected, leading to confusion. For example, the paragraph begins with a mention of a comfortable atmosphere in horizontal cities but quickly transitions to gardening activities without a clear link. The sudden shift in focus disrupts the coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should establish a clear structure for the essay, including an introduction, body paragraphs with distinct supporting points, and a conclusion. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea and transition smoothly to the next. Additionally, using transitional phrases to connect ideas can help maintain coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks effective paragraphing. There is only one paragraph presented, which combines multiple unrelated ideas without proper segmentation. This lack of paragraphing inhibits clarity and makes it difficult for the reader to discern the main points.
    • How to improve: The writer should break down the essay into paragraphs, with each paragraph addressing a specific aspect of the topic. For instance, one paragraph could discuss the benefits of living in a horizontal city, while another paragraph could focus on the advantages of a vertical city. By organizing the content into distinct paragraphs, the essay will be more structured and easier to follow.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: Cohesive devices are virtually absent in the essay, leading to disjointed and choppy writing. There is a lack of cohesive ties between sentences and ideas, resulting in a fragmented presentation. For instance, transitions between ideas are abrupt, and there is little use of linking words or phrases to connect concepts.
    • How to improve: The writer should incorporate a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow and coherence of the essay. This includes using transitional words and phrases (e.g., however, therefore, consequently) to establish connections between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, employing cohesive devices such as pronouns, synonyms, and repetition can help reinforce key ideas and create smoother transitions throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to incorporate a variety of vocabulary, including examples like "durians," "carrots," and "cabbages." However, the range of vocabulary is limited, and some word choices may not be entirely appropriate or accurate, such as "intelligence" instead of "intelligent."
    • How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim for a broader spectrum of vocabulary relevant to the topic. Instead of repeating simple terms like "trees" and "flowers," they could use synonyms or more specific terminology related to urban planning, environmental sustainability, or city infrastructure. Additionally, using precise vocabulary appropriate to the context will strengthen the essay’s clarity and coherence.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "intelligence" instead of the intended "intelligent." While some vocabulary choices are clear and appropriate, others lack precision and may lead to confusion or ambiguity.
    • How to improve: To improve precision in vocabulary usage, the writer should pay closer attention to the context and meaning of the words they employ. Using words accurately and precisely will enhance the reader’s understanding and convey the intended message effectively. Consulting a thesaurus or vocabulary resources can aid in selecting the most fitting words for expressing ideas with clarity and accuracy.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling errors are evident throughout the essay, such as "intellgience" instead of "intelligence" and "cabbages" instead of "cabbage." These errors detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should adopt practices such as proofreading their work carefully before submission, using spell-check tools, and actively learning and practicing correct spellings. Additionally, paying attention to common spelling patterns and irregularities can help avoid recurring errors and improve overall spelling proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 3

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 3

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a limited range of sentence structures, primarily consisting of simple sentences with minimal variation. There is a lack of complex or compound sentences, resulting in a monotonous rhythm and simplistic expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and overall effectiveness of the essay, incorporating a variety of sentence structures is essential. Introduce complex and compound sentences to add depth and complexity to the writing. For example, instead of solely relying on simple sentences, incorporate subordinate clauses, conjunctions, and transitional phrases to create a more sophisticated flow of ideas. Additionally, vary the length and structure of sentences to maintain reader engagement and convey ideas with clarity and precision.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates several grammatical errors and inaccuracies, including subject-verb agreement issues, incorrect word choices, and punctuation errors. For instance, "The first reason is always have a comfortable atmosphere in horizontal city" contains errors in subject-verb agreement ("is always have" should be "always provides"), word choice ("have" should be "to have"), and punctuation ("horizontal city" lacks an article).
    • How to improve: Improving grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills requires a thorough understanding of English grammar rules and consistent practice. Reviewing basic grammar principles such as subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and sentence structure can help address common errors. Additionally, proofreading essays carefully before submission to identify and correct mistakes is crucial. Utilize resources such as grammar guides, online exercises, and writing workshops to strengthen grammatical proficiency. Pay attention to punctuation rules, including the use of commas, periods, and apostrophes, to enhance clarity and coherence in writing. Finally, seek feedback from peers or instructors to identify areas for improvement and implement targeted strategies for enhancing grammatical accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some argue for the benefits of residing in a horizontal city, emphasizing the comfort it provides. One advantage is the ability to cultivate a pleasant atmosphere, particularly through gardening. In a horizontal setting, residents can plant a variety of trees, such as durians, along with other flowers of their choice. Observing my neighbors engaging in this activity with their children on a weekly basis, it’s evident that they derive happiness from it, and their children appear intellectually stimulated as they shift their focus away from electronic devices.

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