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Some people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams, like football. But others think taking part in individual sports is better, like swimming. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams, like football. But others think taking part in individual sports is better, like swimming. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

It is believed by a part of society that individuals had better be involved in a team sport such as football, whereas others claim that a single-player sport is a better choice, like swimming. This essay attempts to shed light on the discussion before concluding that I am an advocate of two perspectives.
On the one hand, participating in sports which are played in teams may have some advantages. It is well- documented that a team enables individuals’ collaboration and solidarity with each other. As a result, the players in the team can tighten the relationship as well as improve their communication skills. Otherwise, arguments can arise, leading to bad performance while competing. For instance, a successful football team requires numerous elements not only personal skills but also perfect strategies and coordination.
On the other hand, there are a host of compelling reasons as to why I am convinced that individual sports also provide a positive effect to players by significant skills. There is no doubt that personal sport helps players to improve only their skills, not depend on anyone else, so conflict never happens when playing sports alone. Besides, discipline and self-reliance can be established when playing individual sports, which can create an excellent skill after multiple hours of practicing. There is an obvious example that chess players strengthen their focus and perseverance by practicing for hours instead of having to argue about the strategies with their teammates.
To sum up, whereas team sports create several benefits in terms of social communication and soft skills, individual sports not only bring discipline and self-reliance for players but also reduce conflicts with others. From my perspective, there is equality in the role of each kind of sport and it depends on individuals’ demand or interest.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "It is believed by a part of society" -> "Some segments of society believe"
    Explanation: Replacing the informal "It is believed by a part of society" with "Some segments of society believe" maintains a formal tone and clarity.

  2. "had better be involved" -> "should consider participating"
    Explanation: "had better be involved" is somewhat informal; "should consider participating" is more suitable for academic writing.

  3. "single-player sport" -> "individual sport"
    Explanation: "single-player sport" is less commonly used in academic writing; "individual sport" is a more precise and standard term.

  4. "This essay attempts to shed light on the discussion before concluding that I am an advocate of two perspectives." -> "This essay aims to explore the debate before presenting a dual perspective."
    Explanation: The revised sentence is more concise and formal, avoiding the first-person perspective.

  5. "It is well-documented" -> "It is widely documented"
    Explanation: "It is well-documented" is slightly informal; "It is widely documented" is a more academically appropriate phrase.

  6. "tighten the relationship" -> "strengthen their interpersonal bonds"
    Explanation: "tighten the relationship" is informal; "strengthen their interpersonal bonds" is more formal and precise.

  7. "bad performance while competing" -> "subpar performance during competition"
    Explanation: "bad performance while competing" is informal; "subpar performance during competition" is a more formal and descriptive phrase.

  8. "numerous elements" -> "various elements"
    Explanation: "numerous elements" is less precise; "various elements" is a more appropriate choice for academic writing.

  9. "I am convinced" -> "I firmly believe"
    Explanation: "I am convinced" is somewhat informal; "I firmly believe" adds a more formal tone to the statement.

  10. "not depend on anyone else" -> "not rely on others"
    Explanation: "not depend on anyone else" can be simplified to "not rely on others" without losing clarity.

  11. "create an excellent skill" -> "develop exceptional skills"
    Explanation: "create an excellent skill" is not idiomatic; "develop exceptional skills" is more natural and precise.

  12. "strengthen their focus and perseverance" -> "enhance their focus and perseverance"
    Explanation: "strengthen their focus and perseverance" can be improved to "enhance their focus and perseverance" for a more academic tone.

  13. "argue about the strategies with their teammates" -> "debate strategies with their teammates"
    Explanation: "argue about the strategies with their teammates" can be replaced with "debate strategies with their teammates" for a more neutral and formal expression.

  14. "there is equality in the role of each kind of sport" -> "both types of sports play an equally important role"
    Explanation: The revised sentence provides a more formal and precise way to convey the idea.

  15. "it depends on individuals’ demand or interest" -> "it depends on individual preferences and interests"
    Explanation: The revised phrase is more academic and conveys the same meaning with added clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "This essay attempts to shed light on the discussion before concluding that I am an advocate of two perspectives."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction starts well by addressing the essay’s purpose, which is to discuss both perspectives. However, the last sentence is somewhat confusing and lacks clarity. Instead of saying you are an advocate of two perspectives, it would be better to briefly state your own opinion in the introduction to make your stance clear to the reader. Also, consider providing a brief roadmap of the main points you will cover in the essay.
    • Improved example: "This essay aims to explore the advantages and disadvantages of team sports and individual sports before presenting my own perspective on the matter. I will discuss the benefits of each type of sport and offer reasons for my viewpoint in the following paragraphs."
  2. Quoted text: "On the one hand, participating in sports which are played in teams may have some advantages."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: This section provides a clear statement of one perspective, which is good. However, it lacks depth and specific examples to support the point. To improve, you should extend your explanation by providing specific examples or reasons why team sports have advantages. For instance, you could mention how team sports foster teamwork, leadership skills, and camaraderie among players.
    • Improved example: "On the one hand, participating in team sports offers numerous advantages. For instance, team sports promote teamwork, where individuals learn to cooperate, communicate, and coordinate with their teammates. This collaboration not only enhances their sports performance but also cultivates valuable life skills."
  3. Quoted text: "On the other hand, there are a host of compelling reasons as to why I am convinced that individual sports also provide a positive effect to players by significant skills."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: This section introduces the other perspective but lacks specific examples or reasons to support it. You need to provide concrete examples or arguments to make your point more convincing. Explain how individual sports help develop skills like discipline, self-reliance, and focus.
    • Improved example: "On the other hand, individual sports offer unique benefits to players by enhancing significant skills. For example, in sports like swimming or running, individuals develop discipline and self-reliance as they are solely responsible for their training and performance. The hours spent practicing alone strengthen their focus and perseverance."
  4. Quoted text: "To sum up, whereas team sports create several benefits in terms of social communication and soft skills, individual sports not only bring discipline and self-reliance for players but also reduce conflicts with others."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The conclusion summarizes the main points effectively, which is good. However, it could be improved by restating your own opinion and providing a concise summary of the key reasons supporting it. This would make your position more prominent and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
    • Improved example: "In conclusion, while team sports offer advantages in terms of social skills, individual sports provide essential life skills such as discipline and self-reliance. Personally, I believe that both types of sports have their merits, and the choice between them should depend on an individual’s preferences and goals."

Overall, your essay provides a balanced discussion of both perspectives, but it would benefit from more specific examples and a clearer expression of your own opinion in the introduction and conclusion.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 7.0.

  1. Logical Organization: The essay is logically organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion that includes the author’s opinion. There is a clear progression of ideas throughout the essay, adhering to the band 7 descriptor for logical organization.

  2. Cohesive Devices: The essay effectively uses a range of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "On the one hand," "On the other hand," "Besides," "To sum up"), which contribute to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there is some minor overuse of certain cohesive devices, which slightly affects the fluency of the text.

  3. Paragraphing: The essay employs paragraphs appropriately and sufficiently to separate different ideas and arguments, which aligns with the band 7 descriptor. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic, contributing to the overall cohesion.

While the essay generally meets the criteria for band 7, there is room for improvement in terms of the slight overuse of certain cohesive devices. Additionally, the conclusion could be slightly more succinct. Nonetheless, the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains coherence and cohesion throughout.

How to improve:

  1. Carefully review the essay to ensure that cohesive devices are used optimally without any overuse.
  2. Consider refining the conclusion to make it more concise and impactful, summarizing the main points effectively while restating your opinion.
  3. Continue to practice organizing ideas logically and using appropriate paragraphing to enhance overall coherence and cohesion in your essays.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: This essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, but it could benefit from a wider variety of lexical features to enhance its sophistication. While there is an attempt to use less common vocabulary and some awareness of style and collocation, there are also instances of simpler word choices and occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. For example, "advocate of two perspectives" could be more precisely expressed, and there are minor inaccuracies in word choice throughout the essay, such as "create an excellent skill" which would be better as "develop excellent skills." However, these errors do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay should aim for a wider and more precise vocabulary. It should make a more consistent effort to use less common lexical items accurately and appropriately. Additionally, careful proofreading to eliminate occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation would further enhance the lexical resource of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical structures and accuracy overall. It successfully uses a variety of complex sentence structures and exhibits good control of grammar and punctuation. Most sentences are error-free or have only very occasional errors, which are considered minor ‘slips.’ The essay effectively communicates its ideas and maintains clarity throughout.

How to improve: While the essay generally meets the criteria for a Band 7 score, there are still some areas for improvement. To enhance the score, the writer should aim for even greater flexibility in sentence structures and strive for near-flawless accuracy. Paying closer attention to minor errors and fine-tuning punctuation can further elevate the grammatical range and accuracy. Additionally, ensuring a consistent tone and style throughout the essay can help enhance its overall coherence and readability.

Bài sửa mẫu

“Some segments of society believe that individuals should consider participating in team sports, such as football, while others argue that opting for individual sports, like swimming, is the better choice. This essay aims to explore the debate before presenting a dual perspective.

On one hand, participating in sports played in teams may have some advantages. It is widely documented that a team enables individuals to collaborate and strengthen their interpersonal bonds. As a result, players in a team can enhance their communication skills and coordination, which are crucial elements for success. However, it is important to note that conflicts can arise within the team, potentially leading to subpar performance during competition. For instance, a successful football team requires not only personal skills but also perfect strategies and coordination among its members.

On the other hand, there are compelling reasons to support the idea that individual sports also offer significant benefits to players. I firmly believe that individual sports help players develop exceptional skills and foster self-reliance since they do not rely on others. This eliminates the possibility of conflicts during play. Moreover, discipline and self-reliance can be established through hours of dedicated practice in individual sports. A clear example of this can be seen in chess players who enhance their focus and perseverance through extensive practice without the need to debate strategies with their teammates.

In conclusion, both types of sports play an equally important role in personal development, but the preference between team sports and individual sports ultimately depends on individual preferences and interests. While team sports promote social communication and soft skills, individual sports provide discipline and self-reliance, reducing conflicts with others. It is essential for individuals to choose the type of sport that aligns with their own goals and inclinations.”

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