Some people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams, like football, while other people think that taking part in individual sports, like tennis or swimming, is better. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams, like football, while other people think that taking part in individual sports, like tennis or swimming, is better.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Nowadays, there are numerous kinds of sport and each of them has it’s own peaks. However some people think that multiplayer sports such as football are more advantage, others think that individual sports like swimming are better. In this essay, I will explain why multiplayer sports are more vital compared with individual sports.
Those who argue that individual sports bring more benefits to us because it can help them improve their own skills without any obstructions from their teammates. For example, if an athlete wants to join a foreign team, the language will be a struggle. However, individual sports adapt easily because they just need to focus on themselves. Moreover, one of the best motivations of an athlete is developing themself . Instead of supporting their teammates like in multiplayer sports, they can spend this time on practicing.
On the other hand, multiplayer sports prioritize the collective spirit which is not only helpful in sport but also in people life. As for education or work they and their team need to practice together and their partners can help them to find the weakness that they do not know. In addition, teammates can improve the team’s motivation .For instance, they can become a competitor to help every person in their team to try hard because no one wants to become a weak point in the team.
In conclusion, it seems to me that individual sports have less benefits than multiplayer sports.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "Nowadays, there are numerous kinds of sport and each of them has it’s own peaks." -> "In contemporary times, there is a myriad of sports, each with its own pinnacle achievements."
   Explanation: The revised sentence employs a more formal introduction by replacing "Nowadays" with "In contemporary times" and uses "myriad" for variety. Also, the possessive form "it’s" is corrected to "its."

2. "However some people think that multiplayer sports such as football are more advantage, others think that individual sports like swimming are better." -> "However, some individuals argue that team sports, like football, offer more advantages, while others believe that individual sports, such as swimming, are superior."
   Explanation: The revision addresses issues with grammar and clarity. "More advantage" is corrected to "more advantages," and the sentence structure is refined for better flow.

3. "it can help them improve their own skills without any obstructions from their teammates." -> "it can assist them in enhancing their skills without any hindrance from teammates."
   Explanation: The word "obstructions" is replaced with "hindrance" for a more formal tone. Additionally, the phrase "improve their own skills" is refined to "enhancing their skills."

4. "However, individual sports adapt easily because they just need to focus on themselves." -> "However, individual sports adapt more easily as athletes can solely concentrate on their own performance."
   Explanation: The phrase is restructured to improve clarity and formality. "Adapt easily" is modified to "adapt more easily," and the expression "focus on themselves" is refined to "concentrate on their own performance."

5. "Moreover, one of the best motivations of an athlete is developing themself." -> "Furthermore, a key motivation for athletes is personal development."
   Explanation: The sentence is revised for clarity and formality. "Developing themself" is changed to "personal development" for a more precise and academic expression.

6. "Instead of supporting their teammates like in multiplayer sports, they can spend this time on practicing." -> "Rather than supporting teammates, as in multiplayer sports, they can dedicate this time to practice."
   Explanation: The sentence is rephrased for improved structure. "Instead of supporting" is changed to "Rather than supporting," and the word "practicing" is corrected to "practice."

7. "teammates can improve the team’s motivation." -> "Teammates can enhance the team’s motivation."
   Explanation: The word "improve" is replaced with "enhance" for a more refined and precise vocabulary choice.

8. "For instance, they can become a competitor to help every person in their team to try hard because no one wants to become a weak point in the team." -> "For instance, they can act as competitors, inspiring every team member to strive for excellence, as no one wishes to be a liability."
   Explanation: The sentence is restructured for better flow and clarity. "Become a competitor to help" is changed to "act as competitors, inspiring," and the phrase "try hard" is replaced with "strive for excellence."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both views on team sports and individual sports but lacks depth in exploring the advantages of individual sports. The explanation for why multiplayer sports are more vital is more detailed. It could benefit from a more balanced discussion of the advantages of both types of sports.
  • How to improve: To improve, ensure that both views are explored in-depth. Dedicate more space to discussing the benefits of individual sports, providing specific examples and elaborating on why some people might prefer them. Use the provided word count more effectively to address each part of the question comprehensively.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position favoring multiplayer sports. The stance is maintained consistently throughout the essay. However, the depth of analysis supporting this position could be improved.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity and depth, provide more nuanced reasons supporting the preference for multiplayer sports. Offer specific examples and delve into the complexities of both types of sports. This will strengthen the overall argument and provide a more well-rounded perspective.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, but some points lack development and support. For instance, the argument that individual sports allow athletes to focus on themselves needs more elaboration and examples. Similarly, the idea that multiplayer sports foster collective spirit could be expanded with specific instances.
  • How to improve: To improve, provide more detailed examples and elaborate on each point. For instance, explain how practicing with a team helps in identifying weaknesses, and give specific scenarios where teammates contribute to motivation. This will enhance the overall quality of the essay.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the advantages of multiplayer sports. However, it could be more balanced by giving equal attention to individual sports.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that both views receive equal attention and that the essay explores the advantages of individual sports more thoroughly. This will create a more well-rounded and comprehensive response to the prompt.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear position and stays generally on topic, improvements in balancing the discussion and providing more detailed support for ideas would contribute to a higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a somewhat logical organization, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs presenting arguments for both views, and a concluding statement. However, there are instances where ideas could be better connected for smoother transitions. For example, the shift from discussing the benefits of individual sports to multiplayer sports could be more seamless.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases between ideas to create a more cohesive flow. For instance, words like "Moreover," or "On the other hand" can be strategically employed to guide the reader through different points.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, but the structure within paragraphs can be improved. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear delineation, affecting overall coherence.
  • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph revolves around a central idea and follows a logical progression. Begin paragraphs with topic sentences that introduce the main point, followed by supporting details. This will enhance both the structure within paragraphs and the overall coherence of the essay.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "However," "Moreover"), but there is room for improvement. A more varied and strategic use of cohesive devices would strengthen the connections between sentences and ideas.
  • How to improve: Introduce a wider array of cohesive devices to connect sentences and ideas more effectively. For example, use pronouns to reference previously mentioned concepts, employ synonyms, and experiment with different sentence structures to add variety. This will contribute to a more polished and cohesive essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of coherence and cohesion, refining the organization, paragraph structure, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices will elevate its overall effectiveness.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is an attempt to vary the use of words, some repetition occurs, and certain terms lack precision. For instance, the repeated use of "sports" and "benefits" in the introduction could be diversified. Additionally, the phrase "it’s own peaks" could be more precisely expressed.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of vocabulary, consider synonyms for commonly used terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "sports," use terms like "athletic activities" or "physical pursuits." When discussing the uniqueness of each sport, opt for more specific descriptors instead of general terms like "peaks" – consider phrases like "distinct characteristics" or "individual strengths."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally employs imprecise language, as seen in phrases like "it is more advantage" and "one of the best motivations of an athlete is developing themself." Precision is crucial for conveying the intended meaning accurately.
  • How to improve: Focus on using words that precisely convey the intended meaning. In the mentioned examples, consider alternatives such as "it is more advantageous" and "one of the primary motivations for an athlete is self-development." This not only improves precision but also contributes to a more sophisticated language use.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: While the overall spelling is acceptable, there are instances of errors such as "it’s" instead of "its" in the introduction. Ensuring consistent spelling and proper use of contractions is essential for maintaining a polished presentation.
  • How to improve: Pay attention to common spelling pitfalls, particularly with contractions. In this case, use "its" instead of "it’s" to indicate possession. Proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help catch and rectify such errors. Additionally, consider utilizing spelling and grammar tools to enhance accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonably good command of vocabulary but would benefit from refining and diversifying word choices. Precision and careful attention to spelling details can elevate the lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple and compound sentences are prevalent, but there is a lack of complex structures. For example, the use of subordination and relative clauses is limited. More specifically, the essay tends to rely on basic sentence structures, affecting the overall variety and sophistication of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating a variety of sentence structures, such as complex and compound-complex sentences. Introduce subordination and coordination to add depth and complexity to your sentences. For instance, you can use relative clauses to provide additional information and create a more nuanced argument.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays noticeable grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies. For instance, there are instances of subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., "each of them has it’s own peaks") and awkward phrasing ("they and their team need to practice together"). Punctuation errors, such as missing commas or incorrect use of commas, also impact the overall accuracy of the writing.
  • How to improve: Focus on mastering fundamental grammar rules, particularly those related to subject-verb agreement. Carefully proofread your essay to identify and correct punctuation errors. Ensure consistency in verb forms and choose appropriate words to convey your ideas accurately. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to catch errors you might have overlooked.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, there are numerous types of sports, each with its own peaks. However, some people believe that team sports, like football, offer more advantages, while others argue that individual sports, such as swimming, are superior. In this essay, I will discuss both perspectives and provide my own opinion on the matter.

Those who advocate for individual sports often highlight the freedom it provides to athletes in honing their skills without any hindrance from teammates. For instance, if an athlete wishes to join a foreign team, language barriers may pose a challenge. Individual sports, however, adapt more easily since athletes can solely concentrate on their own performance. Furthermore, a key motivation for athletes in individual sports is personal development. Instead of supporting teammates, as in multiplayer sports, they can dedicate this time to focused practice.

On the other hand, proponents of team sports argue that they foster a collective spirit that extends beyond the sports arena, influencing other aspects of life such as education or work. In collaborative settings, teammates practice together, helping each other identify weaknesses they might be unaware of. Additionally, teammates play a crucial role in boosting the team’s motivation. They act as competitors, inspiring each team member to strive for excellence, as no one wishes to be a liability.

In conclusion, while individual sports offer the advantage of focused skill development, multiplayer sports, in my opinion, provide broader benefits. The collective spirit and motivation gained from working within a team setting contribute not only to success in sports but also to personal and professional development.