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Some people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams, like football, while other people think that taking part in individual sports, like tennis or swimming, is better. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams, like football, while other people think that taking part in individual sports, like tennis or swimming, is better.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

There is ongoing discussion about whether participating in team sports or
individual sports is more beneficial. This essay will look at both sides and give my
opinion.
On one hand, some people believe that taking part in team sports is better. One
reason is that when being in a team, people can easily make new friends. For example,
when people join a team sport, they will meet other members of the group face to face,
they can practice and play with them, also know about them, then they will be new
friends. Another reason is that taking in team sports can help participants improve their
teamwork skills. For example, people can give their opinion when discussing the
better ways to play such as in football, volleyball. Moreover, people will have more
motivation when joining team sports. For example, when people see other teammates
play well, they will practice to play as well as them, try to do not make their teammate
disappointed.
On the other hand, there are several reasons that taking part in individual sports
is more beneficial. One reason is that people will not be pressured by peers, when
playing individual sports, player can play alone so no one can criticize them. Besides,
player will not be compared to others. For example, when running alone, no one will
care about them a lot and criticize if they run more slowly than others. In addition,
player can have flexibility in terms of time and place ,player can practice anywhere
and whenever they can. For example, when they are tried, they can not practice.
In conclusion, while taking part in team sports can help player make
friends easier and improve their teamwork skills, participanting in individual sports
can stop criticism to player. For me, I will choose both 2 kinds of sports.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "There is ongoing discussion" -> "There is ongoing debate"
    Explanation: "Debate" is a more precise term in academic contexts, indicating a formal discussion or argumentation, which is more suitable than "discussion" which can be too general and informal.

  2. "participating in team sports or individual sports" -> "engaging in team sports or individual sports"
    Explanation: "Engaging in" is a more formal and precise verb choice than "participating in," which is slightly more casual and less specific.

  3. "give my opinion" -> "express my opinion"
    Explanation: "Express" is a more formal verb than "give" in academic writing, aligning better with the objective tone expected in scholarly essays.

  4. "when being in a team" -> "when part of a team"
    Explanation: "When part of a team" is a more natural and precise phrase, avoiding the awkward construction "when being in a team."

  5. "take in team sports" -> "participate in team sports"
    Explanation: "Participate" is the correct verb for engaging in sports, whereas "take in" is incorrect and unclear in this context.

  6. "people can easily make new friends" -> "individuals can readily form new friendships"
    Explanation: "Form new friendships" is a more specific and formal way to describe the process of making friends, and "individuals" is more appropriate than "people" in academic writing.

  7. "they can practice and play with them, also know about them" -> "they can interact with them, learn about them, and engage in activities together"
    Explanation: "Interact with them, learn about them, and engage in activities together" is a clearer and more formal way to describe the social aspects of team sports.

  8. "then they will be new friends" -> "thus forming new friendships"
    Explanation: "Thus forming new friendships" is a more formal and concise way to express the outcome of interactions in a team sport.

  9. "taking in team sports" -> "participating in team sports"
    Explanation: Again, "participating" is the correct verb for engaging in sports, not "taking in."

  10. "people will not be pressured by peers" -> "individuals will not face peer pressure"
    Explanation: "Face peer pressure" is a more precise and formal expression than "be pressured by peers."

  11. "player can play alone" -> "players can practice alone"
    Explanation: "Practice" is a more specific verb than "play" in the context of individual sports, and "players" is the correct plural form.

  12. "no one will care about them a lot and criticize if they run more slowly than others" -> "they will not be scrutinized if they run slower than others"
    Explanation: "Not be scrutinized" is a more formal and precise way to describe the lack of criticism, and "run slower" is grammatically correct.

  13. "player can have flexibility in terms of time and place" -> "players can enjoy flexibility in terms of time and location"
    Explanation: "Enjoy flexibility" is a more positive and precise way to describe the benefits of individual sports, and "location" is more formal than "place."

  14. "tried, they can not practice" -> "fatigued, they may not practice"
    Explanation: "Fatigued" is a more precise term than "tried," and "may not" is more appropriate than "can not" in this context, indicating possibility rather than certainty.

  15. "participanting in individual sports" -> "participating in individual sports"
    Explanation: Corrects a typographical error, ensuring the correct spelling of "participating."

  16. "stop criticism to player" -> "avoid criticism from others"
    Explanation: "Avoid criticism from others" is a clearer and more formal way to express the benefit of individual sports, replacing the awkward and incorrect "stop criticism to player."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views regarding team sports and individual sports, presenting arguments for each side. However, the discussion lacks depth in exploring the benefits of each type of sport. For instance, while it mentions making friends and improving teamwork skills for team sports, it does not elaborate on other potential benefits like strategic thinking or communication skills. Similarly, the individual sports section touches on flexibility and lack of peer pressure but fails to discuss aspects like self-discipline or personal achievement.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should aim to explore a wider range of benefits for both team and individual sports. Including more specific examples and elaborating on the implications of these benefits would provide a more comprehensive answer to the prompt.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that both types of sports have their merits, but it does not maintain a clear stance throughout. The conclusion states a preference for both types of sports without clearly articulating a personal opinion on which is more beneficial, which can confuse the reader about the writer’s ultimate viewpoint.
    • How to improve: The writer should clearly state their opinion in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the essay. For example, after discussing both views, the writer could explicitly state which type of sport they believe is more beneficial and why, providing a stronger conclusion that reflects their personal stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are somewhat relevant but lack sufficient development. For instance, the discussion on making friends in team sports is relevant, but it could be extended by discussing how these friendships might lead to a support network or enhanced social skills. The examples provided are basic and do not fully support the arguments made.
    • How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. Instead of simply stating that team sports help make friends, they could discuss how these relationships can lead to lifelong connections or improve social skills. Similarly, for individual sports, discussing the personal growth that comes from overcoming challenges could strengthen the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the benefits of both team and individual sports. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, such as when discussing the flexibility of individual sports without connecting it back to the overall benefits in a meaningful way. Additionally, the phrase "when they are tried, they can not practice" is unclear and could lead the reader to misunderstand the point being made.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the benefits of team versus individual sports. Clarifying ambiguous phrases and ensuring that all examples directly support the main argument will help keep the essay on topic.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and presents relevant ideas, it requires more depth, clarity, and development to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with distinct sections for both team and individual sports. Each viewpoint is addressed in separate paragraphs, which helps maintain clarity. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the introduction mentions discussing both sides but does not clearly signal when transitioning from one perspective to the other. The conclusion reiterates the main points but lacks a strong synthesis of the arguments presented.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases such as "In contrast" or "Conversely" when shifting between opposing views. Additionally, summarizing the key points in the conclusion with a more definitive stance would strengthen the overall coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, some paragraphs could be better structured. For example, the paragraph discussing team sports could benefit from clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of the paragraph. The paragraph on individual sports also lacks a cohesive flow, as it jumps between ideas without clear connections.
    • How to improve: Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Ensure that each supporting sentence logically follows from the topic sentence. For example, in the paragraph about individual sports, consider grouping similar ideas together and using linking phrases to connect them.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for example" and "besides," which help clarify points. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences feel disjointed. For instance, the phrase "when they are tried, they can not practice" lacks clarity and cohesion, making it difficult to understand the intended meaning.
    • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," and "on the contrary." Additionally, ensure that all sentences within a paragraph connect logically to enhance overall cohesion. Revising unclear sentences for clarity will also improve the flow of ideas.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to sports and teamwork. Terms like "participating," "teamwork skills," and "motivation" are appropriately used. However, the vocabulary tends to be repetitive, particularly with the use of "people" and "player," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the language. For instance, instead of repeatedly saying "people," synonyms like "individuals," "participants," or "athletes" could be employed to diversify the language.
    • How to improve: To improve lexical variety, the writer should actively seek synonyms and related terms. Creating a list of alternative words before writing could help. For example, instead of saying "people can easily make new friends," the writer could say "individuals can forge new friendships." Additionally, integrating more complex vocabulary and phrases would elevate the essay’s overall quality.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "taking in team sports" should be "participating in team sports." Furthermore, the expression "when they are tried, they can not practice" is unclear and should be revised to "when they are tired, they may not be able to practice." Such inaccuracies can confuse readers and weaken the argument.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on context when selecting vocabulary. Reading more academic essays or articles can help in understanding how to use words in the correct context. Additionally, proofreading for clarity and correctness before submission can help catch these errors.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that impact the overall impression. For instance, "participanting" should be corrected to "participating," and "player" should be pluralized to "players" in some contexts. Additionally, "tried" is a misspelling of "tired," which alters the intended meaning.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should practice spelling commonly used words in academic writing. Utilizing spell-check tools and proofreading the essay multiple times can also help identify and correct spelling mistakes. Keeping a personal list of frequently misspelled words can be beneficial for ongoing improvement.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of the topic and uses some appropriate vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling. Focusing on these aspects will help elevate the overall quality of the writing and potentially improve the band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. For instance, the use of "One reason is that when being in a team, people can easily make new friends" showcases a basic structure. However, the essay lacks more complex structures, such as conditional sentences or varied clauses, which could enhance the depth of the argument. Additionally, some sentences are repetitive in structure, such as "For example, when people join a team sport, they will meet other members of the group face to face," which could be rephrased for variety.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses or varying sentence openings. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "One reason is that," try beginning with a dependent clause: "While team sports foster friendships, individual sports allow for personal growth." This will not only enhance the variety but also improve the flow of ideas.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "taking in team sports" should be "taking part in team sports." Additionally, the sentence "player can play alone so no one can criticize them" lacks subject-verb agreement; it should be "players can play alone." Punctuation errors are also present, such as missing commas before conjunctions in compound sentences (e.g., "when they are tried, they can not practice" should be "when they are tired, they cannot practice").
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance clarity. Consider revising sentences to ensure they follow standard grammatical conventions. For example, instead of "try to do not make their teammate disappointed," it could be revised to "try not to disappoint their teammates."

Overall, while the essay presents a clear discussion of both views, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will significantly elevate the score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is ongoing debate about whether participating in team sports or individual sports is more beneficial. This essay will explore both views and express my opinion.

On one hand, some people believe that engaging in team sports is better. One reason is that when part of a team, individuals can readily form new friendships. For example, when people participate in team sports, they meet other members of the group face to face, allowing them to interact, learn about each other, and engage in activities together, thus forming new friendships. Another reason is that participating in team sports can help individuals improve their teamwork skills. For instance, players can share their opinions when discussing better strategies for games like football or volleyball. Moreover, individuals often find increased motivation when joining team sports. For example, when players see their teammates performing well, they are inspired to practice harder and strive not to disappoint their fellow team members.

On the other hand, there are several reasons why participating in individual sports is more beneficial. One reason is that individuals will not face peer pressure; when playing individual sports, they can practice alone, so they are not subjected to criticism from others. Additionally, they will not be compared to their peers. For example, when running alone, no one will scrutinize them if they run slower than others. In addition, players can enjoy flexibility in terms of time and location; they can practice anywhere and whenever they choose. For instance, when they feel fatigued, they may decide not to practice without feeling guilty.

In conclusion, while participating in team sports can help individuals make friends more easily and improve their teamwork skills, engaging in individual sports allows them to avoid criticism from others. In my opinion, both types of sports offer valuable benefits, and I would choose to participate in both.

Bài viết liên quan

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Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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