Some people think that it is more important for children to engage in outdoor activities instead of playing video games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In recent times, it is usually believed that it is imperative that kids participate in outside activities rather than playing video games. In my opinion, I partly agree with this point of view.
First and foremost, people recognize the fact that kids need to play outside. There is not denying that outside activities are very effective for health. It is obvious that children will improve bones and it helps children take in nutrients from solar. For example, my friends usually play football outdoors four times a week so he has brown skin, girls really like this and he has a lot of muscles. Furthermore, one further justification which should not be moved here is that activities outdoors can help kids have good relationships. They mean that it is easy to talk with friends face to face and we can know what they feel when we talk. A good case in point in would p wild be that A few days ago I saw online that someone was being scammed online by impersonating a female voice to trick others with providing money
On the other hand, there are some reasons against the statement that children need to play video games. It is important to remember when that kid is play outside can have problems with the body. In other words, sun exposure can lead to skin problems. For instance, in the newspaper physicists have shown evidence of harmful effects of exposure to Sunlight.
In conclusion, I partly support it needed that kids take up outside activities more than video games. However, each of us should consider carefully before reading the final decision on this issue.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"it is usually believed" -> "it is commonly believed"
Explanation: "Commonly" is a more precise and formal term than "usually," which is somewhat vague and less formal in academic writing.
"kids" -> "children"
Explanation: "Kids" is too informal for academic writing; "children" is more appropriate and formal.
"partly agree" -> "partially agree"
Explanation: "Partially" is a more formal synonym for "partly," aligning better with academic style.
"people recognize the fact that" -> "it is acknowledged that"
Explanation: "It is acknowledged that" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial tone of "people recognize the fact that."
"There is not denying" -> "It is undeniable"
Explanation: "It is undeniable" is a more formal and concise way to express certainty, improving the academic tone.
"very effective for health" -> "highly beneficial for health"
Explanation: "Highly beneficial" is a more precise and formal term than "very effective," which is somewhat vague and informal.
"it helps children take in nutrients from solar" -> "it facilitates children’s absorption of nutrients from sunlight"
Explanation: "Facilitates" is more precise and formal than "helps," and "sunlight" is the correct term, not "solar."
"he has brown skin" -> "he has developed a tan"
Explanation: "Developed a tan" is a more accurate and less casual way to describe the effect of sun exposure on skin.
"girls really like this" -> "this is often admired"
Explanation: "This is often admired" is more formal and avoids the informal and subjective tone of "girls really like this."
"one further justification which should not be moved here" -> "another compelling reason that cannot be overlooked"
Explanation: "Another compelling reason that cannot be overlooked" is more formal and precise, improving the academic tone.
"A good case in point in would p wild be that" -> "A notable example is"
Explanation: "A notable example is" is clearer and more formal than the awkward and incorrect "A good case in point in would p wild be that."
"someone was being scammed online" -> "an individual was being scammed online"
Explanation: "An individual" is more formal than "someone," which is too casual for academic writing.
"It is important to remember when that kid is play outside can have problems with the body" -> "It is essential to consider that outdoor activities can pose health risks"
Explanation: This revision clarifies and formalizes the statement, avoiding the awkward and informal original phrasing.
"sun exposure can lead to skin problems" -> "exposure to sunlight can cause skin issues"
Explanation: "Exposure to sunlight" is more precise and formal than "sun exposure," and "cause skin issues" is a more academic phrase than "lead to skin problems."
"physicists have shown evidence of harmful effects of exposure to Sunlight" -> "researchers have documented the harmful effects of exposure to sunlight"
Explanation: "Researchers" is a more specific and formal term than "physicists," and "documented" is more precise than "shown evidence of."
"it needed that kids take up outside activities more than video games" -> "it is recommended that children engage in outdoor activities more frequently than video games"
Explanation: "It is recommended" is a more formal expression than "it needed," and "engage in outdoor activities more frequently" is clearer and more precise than "take up outside activities more than."
"each of us should consider carefully before reading the final decision on this issue" -> "each individual should carefully consider the implications before making a final decision on this matter"
Explanation: "Each individual should carefully consider the implications before making a final decision" is more formal and precise, improving the academic tone and clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by acknowledging both sides of the argument regarding outdoor activities versus video games. However, it does not fully explore the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the statement. The phrase "I partly agree" is mentioned, but the essay lacks a clear delineation of the extent of this agreement. The supporting points for outdoor activities are somewhat relevant but not sufficiently developed to demonstrate a strong argument. The mention of video games as having negative aspects is also vague and lacks depth.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should explicitly state their position on the extent of agreement or disagreement. This could involve providing a clearer thesis statement that outlines the reasons for their stance. Each point should be elaborated with specific examples and explanations that directly relate to the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position of partial agreement, but this stance is not consistently maintained throughout the text. The introduction suggests a balanced view, yet the body paragraphs do not effectively reinforce this position. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of outdoor activities to the drawbacks of outdoor play is abrupt and lacks coherence, which can confuse the reader about the author’s true stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should ensure that each paragraph supports their overall argument. This can be achieved by using topic sentences that clearly reflect the main idea of each paragraph and relate back to the thesis. Additionally, transitional phrases can help guide the reader through the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding the benefits of outdoor activities, such as health improvements and social interactions. However, these ideas are not well-developed or supported with sufficient evidence. For example, the statement about a friend playing football lacks depth and fails to connect back to the argument effectively. The discussion on video games is also underdeveloped and does not provide a balanced view of their potential benefits.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the author should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. This could involve discussing specific benefits of outdoor activities and video games, supported by research or statistics. Each point should be clearly linked to the thesis to ensure that the argument is cohesive and persuasive.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, but there are moments where the relevance of certain points is questionable. For instance, the anecdote about someone being scammed online seems tangential and does not directly contribute to the argument about outdoor activities versus video games. This can distract from the main focus of the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all examples and points directly relate to the central argument. It may be helpful to outline the main ideas before writing to ensure that each point contributes to the overall discussion. Additionally, the author should avoid introducing unrelated anecdotes that do not support their argument.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic, it requires more clarity, depth, and coherence to achieve a higher band score. By addressing these areas for improvement, the author can enhance the overall quality of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance on the topic, indicating partial agreement with the idea that outdoor activities are preferable to video games. The introduction sets the stage adequately, and the body paragraphs attempt to provide supporting arguments. However, the logical flow is somewhat disrupted by unclear transitions and a lack of clear topic sentences in some paragraphs. For instance, the first body paragraph begins with a general statement about the importance of outdoor activities but does not clearly delineate the specific points that will be discussed. The second body paragraph introduces counterarguments but lacks a smooth transition from the previous point.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Additionally, using transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In contrast," "On the other hand") at the beginning of sentences can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a positive aspect. However, the structure within each paragraph could be improved. For example, the first paragraph contains multiple ideas that are not clearly linked, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. The second paragraph also suffers from a lack of clarity and coherence, particularly in the way it introduces the counterargument.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea and develop it fully. The writer could benefit from starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a logical progression of ideas will help maintain coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost," "furthermore," and "on the other hand," which help to connect ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited and at times awkward. For instance, phrases like "one further justification which should not be moved here" are unclear and detract from the overall clarity of the writing. Additionally, there are instances where cohesive devices are misused or omitted, leading to abrupt shifts in ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases (e.g., "in addition," "consequently," "for example," "however"). Practicing the use of these devices in context will help improve the flow of ideas. Furthermore, ensuring that cohesive devices are used appropriately and naturally will enhance the overall readability of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will help elevate the coherence and cohesion of the writing. Focusing on these areas will contribute to achieving a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "imperative," "participate," and "justification." However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation in word choice. For example, the phrase "outside activities" is used multiple times, which could be diversified with synonyms such as "outdoor pursuits" or "physical activities." Additionally, the use of "kids" and "children" could be varied to include terms like "youth" or "youngsters" to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of vocabulary by using synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. Keeping a thesaurus handy while drafting can help identify alternative words and phrases. Practicing writing with prompts that require varied vocabulary can also be beneficial.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances where vocabulary is used imprecisely. For example, the phrase "take in nutrients from solar" is unclear; it seems to intend to convey the benefits of sunlight for vitamin D synthesis but lacks clarity. Additionally, the phrase "my friends usually play football outdoors four times a week so he has brown skin" is awkward and does not effectively communicate the intended meaning. The connection between outdoor play and skin color is not clearly articulated.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clearly articulating ideas and ensuring that vocabulary accurately reflects the intended meaning. For instance, instead of "take in nutrients from solar," the writer could say "benefit from sunlight, which is essential for vitamin D production." Practicing paraphrasing and summarizing can help improve precision in vocabulary usage.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from its overall quality. For example, "there is not denying" should be "there is no denying," and "physicists" should be "physicians" in the context of discussing health. Additionally, "p wild" appears to be a typographical error that disrupts the flow of the text.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading practices. Reading the essay aloud can help catch errors, and using spell-check tools can assist in identifying mistakes. Additionally, maintaining a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them can be beneficial for long-term improvement.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory command of vocabulary, there are clear areas for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("In my opinion, I partly agree with this point of view.") and compound sentences ("They mean that it is easy to talk with friends face to face and we can know what they feel when we talk."). However, the overall range is limited, and there are instances of awkward phrasing and unclear structures. For example, the phrase "one further justification which should not be moved here" is convoluted and could be expressed more clearly. Additionally, the sentence "A good case in point in would p wild be that…" is grammatically incorrect and confusing.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice using complex sentences that include subordinate clauses (e.g., "Although outdoor activities are beneficial, video games can also provide educational value."). Incorporating a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences can create a more engaging and varied writing style. Furthermore, reviewing sentence construction and practicing rephrasing awkward sentences can help improve clarity.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, "There is not denying that outside activities are very effective for health" should be "There is no denying that outdoor activities are very effective for health." The phrase "my friends usually play football outdoors four times a week so he has brown skin" lacks proper punctuation; a comma is needed before "so." Additionally, the sentence "In other words, sun exposure can lead to skin problems" is grammatically correct, but the preceding context is unclear and could be better connected to the argument.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, correct use of articles, and proper sentence connectors. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on written work can help identify recurring errors. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas and conjunctions, can enhance the overall clarity of the writing. Reading well-structured essays can also provide insights into proper grammar and punctuation usage.

In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument, it requires significant improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy to achieve a higher band score. By diversifying sentence structures and focusing on grammatical precision, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent times, it is commonly believed that it is imperative for children to engage in outdoor activities rather than playing video games. In my opinion, I partially agree with this perspective.

First and foremost, it is acknowledged that children need to play outside. There is no denying that outdoor activities are highly beneficial for health. It is obvious that children can strengthen their bones, and it facilitates their absorption of nutrients from sunlight. For example, my friend usually plays football outdoors four times a week, which has resulted in him developing a tan that is often admired, and he has also built a lot of muscle. Furthermore, another compelling reason that cannot be overlooked is that outdoor activities can help children build good relationships. It is easier to communicate with friends face-to-face, allowing us to understand their feelings better during conversations. A notable example is when I recently saw online that an individual was being scammed by someone impersonating a female voice to trick others into providing money.

On the other hand, it is essential to consider that outdoor activities can pose health risks. For instance, exposure to sunlight can cause skin issues. Researchers have documented the harmful effects of prolonged exposure to sunlight, which is an important factor to keep in mind.

In conclusion, I partially support the idea that children should engage in outdoor activities more than playing video games. However, each individual should carefully consider the implications before making a final decision on this matter.