Some people think that living in big cities is bad for people’s health. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Some people think that living in big cities is bad for people’s health.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

It is believed that it is not good for the health of people who live in large cities. From my point of view, big cities have a lot of healthcare provided, but it would have more disadvantages than its strength.
On the one hand, nowadays we can see hospitals anywhere and people can have mental treatment anytime they want. They have more modern medicine for patients. Furthermore, there are lots of fitness centers that people can go to if they have time.
On the other hand, big cities have many factors can cause people’s bad health. Firstly, the air pollution from the industry or the vehicles smoke can lead to some health problems. For instance, workers that work in the companies everyday may have lung cancer. Secondly, not only the physical health problems, but also they would have problems in mental health. As the cost of living in big cities is higher than another areas, people have to do a lot of works, and sometimes they don’t have time to relax. For that reason, they feel very stressed.
In conclusion, while big cities have advantages in medical provided, I believed that living here also causes the worst physical and mental health problems for people.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "It is believed that it is not good for the health of people who live in large cities." -> "It is widely acknowledged that living in large cities is detrimental to one’s health."
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and lacks precision. The revised version is more concise and uses a more formal structure, enhancing clarity and academic tone.

2. "big cities have a lot of healthcare provided" -> "large cities offer extensive healthcare services"
   Explanation: "a lot of healthcare provided" is vague and informal. "Extensive healthcare services" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.

3. "it would have more disadvantages than its strength" -> "the disadvantages outweigh the benefits"
   Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and grammatically incorrect. The suggested revision clarifies the comparison and uses more formal language.

4. "nowadays we can see hospitals anywhere" -> "hospitals are now ubiquitous"
   Explanation: "nowadays we can see" is informal and verbose. "Hospitals are now ubiquitous" is more concise and maintains a formal tone.

5. "people can have mental treatment anytime they want" -> "individuals can access mental health treatment at any time"
   Explanation: "people can have mental treatment" is informal and imprecise. "Individuals can access mental health treatment" is more formal and specific.

6. "there are lots of fitness centers" -> "there are numerous fitness centers"
   Explanation: "lots of" is informal and imprecise. "Numerous" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

7. "big cities have many factors can cause people’s bad health" -> "large cities are associated with various factors that contribute to poor health"
   Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and informal. The revision corrects the grammar and uses more formal language.

8. "the air pollution from the industry or the vehicles smoke" -> "air pollution from industrial activities or vehicle emissions"
   Explanation: "the vehicles smoke" is incorrect and informal. "Vehicle emissions" is the correct term and more formal.

9. "workers that work in the companies everyday" -> "workers who work in companies daily"
   Explanation: "everyday" is an adverbial form and should not be used as an adjective. "Daily" is the correct adverbial form.

10. "not only the physical health problems, but also they would have problems in mental health" -> "not only physical health issues but also mental health concerns"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and informal. The revision simplifies and formalizes the structure.

11. "the cost of living in big cities is higher than another areas" -> "the cost of living in large cities is higher than in other areas"
    Explanation: "another areas" is grammatically incorrect. "Other areas" is the correct phrase, and the addition of "in" before "other areas" clarifies the prepositional phrase.

12. "people have to do a lot of works" -> "individuals must perform numerous tasks"
    Explanation: "a lot of works" is informal and imprecise. "Numerous tasks" is more formal and precise.

13. "they feel very stressed" -> "they experience significant stress"
    Explanation: "feel very stressed" is informal and vague. "Experience significant stress" is more formal and precise.

14. "I believed" -> "I believe"
    Explanation: "believed" is the past tense, which is incorrect in this context as the essay is discussing current conditions. "Believe" is the correct form for expressing a general opinion in the present tense.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of living in big cities concerning health. However, it does not fully explore the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement. The phrase "it would have more disadvantages than its strength" is vague and does not clearly articulate a definitive position. The essay mentions healthcare availability but lacks a thorough examination of how this relates to overall health outcomes.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state their position in the introduction, indicating whether they agree or disagree with the statement and to what extent. Additionally, they should ensure that each point made supports this position more clearly, perhaps by using phrases such as "I strongly agree" or "I partially disagree" to guide the reader.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay shows some inconsistency in its position. The introduction suggests a balanced view, but the conclusion leans towards the negative aspects of city living without a clear transition. The phrase "I believed that living here also causes the worst physical and mental health problems" implies a strong disagreement, yet the earlier sections do not consistently support this stance.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently use language that reflects their stance throughout the essay. They could adopt a more assertive tone in the introduction and conclusion, ensuring that each paragraph reinforces this viewpoint. Transition phrases can help clarify the argument’s direction and maintain coherence.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the availability of healthcare and the impact of pollution, but lacks depth in their development. For instance, while it mentions "modern medicine" and "fitness centers," it does not explain how these contribute to better health outcomes. The examples provided, such as lung cancer risks, are relevant but could be expanded with more detailed explanations or additional examples to strengthen the argument.
  • How to improve: The writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. For example, after stating that "air pollution can lead to health problems," they could include statistics or studies that demonstrate this effect. Additionally, providing personal anecdotes or more specific examples would help to substantiate the claims made.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing health implications of living in big cities. However, the connection between some points and the main argument can be unclear. For instance, the mention of fitness centers is relevant but does not directly tie back to the overall health impact as strongly as it could.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the health implications of city living. They could use topic sentences that clearly link back to the thesis statement at the beginning of each paragraph. This would help reinforce the relevance of each idea to the central argument.

Overall, to improve the essay’s score, the writer should aim for greater clarity in their position, more detailed development of ideas, and stronger connections to the prompt throughout the essay. Additionally, ensuring that the essay meets the word count requirement is crucial for achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument with a balanced view, discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of living in big cities. The introduction sets the context well, and the body paragraphs are organized to reflect this dual perspective. However, the transition between the advantages and disadvantages could be smoother. For example, the phrase "On the one hand" is effectively used, but the shift to "On the other hand" feels abrupt. The conclusion reiterates the main points but could more explicitly summarize the arguments made.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that better connect the ideas between paragraphs. For instance, after discussing the advantages, a phrase like "Despite these benefits, there are significant drawbacks" would create a smoother transition. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph clearly relates back to the thesis statement, reinforcing the overall argument.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with a clear distinction between the introduction, body, and conclusion. Each body paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, which aids readability. However, the second body paragraph could be split into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on physical health issues and the other on mental health concerns. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, consider the main idea of each paragraph and ensure that each one contains a single, clear focus. For example, the discussion on air pollution could be expanded into its own paragraph, allowing for more detailed examples and explanations. This would also help in maintaining coherence within each paragraph.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "Furthermore," which help in structuring the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be more explicit. For example, the phrase "For that reason" is used effectively, but other areas of the essay could benefit from additional linking words or phrases to clarify relationships between ideas.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "In addition," "Moreover," "Consequently," and "As a result." This will enhance the overall flow of the essay and help clarify the connections between different points. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can improve cohesion and reduce repetition.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced argument. By focusing on improving transitions, refining paragraph structure, and expanding the range of cohesive devices, the coherence and cohesion of the essay can be further enhanced, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "healthcare," "mental treatment," "modern medicine," and "fitness centers." However, the repetition of phrases like "big cities" and "health problems" indicates a limited lexical variety. For example, instead of repeatedly using "big cities," alternatives like "urban areas" or "metropolitan regions" could enhance the lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. For instance, when discussing healthcare, they could include phrases like "medical facilities," "health services," or "wellness options." Additionally, varying sentence structures and using more descriptive language can contribute to a richer vocabulary.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the air pollution from the industry or the vehicles smoke" could be more clearly articulated as "air pollution from industrial emissions and vehicle exhaust." Furthermore, the phrase "the worst physical and mental health problems" is vague and could be specified to enhance clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using more specific terms and phrases. Instead of saying "bad health," they could specify the types of health issues, such as "respiratory diseases" or "anxiety disorders." Encouraging the use of precise adjectives and nouns will help convey the intended meaning more effectively.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally good level of spelling, with only a few minor errors. For instance, "everyday" should be "every day" in the context used, as "everyday" is an adjective meaning commonplace. Additionally, "another areas" should be corrected to "other areas" for grammatical accuracy.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on commonly confused words and phrases. Utilizing spell-check tools and practicing spelling through writing exercises can also be beneficial. Keeping a personal list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them regularly may help in avoiding such errors in future essays.

In summary, while the essay achieves a Band 6 for Lexical Resource, there is significant room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, using more specific terms, and ensuring correct spelling, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("It is believed that it is not good for the health of people who live in large cities.") and compound sentences ("On the one hand, nowadays we can see hospitals anywhere and people can have mental treatment anytime they want."). However, the range is somewhat limited, with many sentences following a similar structure. For example, the repeated use of "big cities" at the beginning of several sentences can make the writing feel monotonous. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "the air pollution from the industry or the vehicles smoke," which could benefit from more varied and sophisticated constructions.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "big cities have many factors can cause people’s bad health," it could be rephrased to "big cities have many factors that can negatively impact people’s health." Additionally, varying the sentence openings and using transitional phrases can help create a more engaging flow.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, the phrase "big cities have many factors can cause people’s bad health" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "big cities have many factors that can cause bad health in people." There are also punctuation errors, such as missing commas in complex sentences, which can lead to confusion. For example, "not only the physical health problems, but also they would have problems in mental health" would be clearer with a rephrasing to "not only do they face physical health problems, but they also experience mental health issues."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of relative clauses. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focused on complex sentence structures, can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors and ensuring that commas are used correctly in lists and complex sentences will enhance clarity. Reading more academic texts can also provide examples of proper grammar and punctuation usage.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument and some relevant points, addressing these areas of grammatical range and accuracy will significantly improve the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely acknowledged that living in large cities is detrimental to people’s health. From my point of view, large cities offer extensive healthcare services, but the disadvantages outweigh the benefits.

On the one hand, nowadays we can see hospitals are now ubiquitous, and individuals can access mental health treatment at any time they want. They have more modern medicine available for patients. Furthermore, there are numerous fitness centers that people can go to if they have time.

On the other hand, large cities are associated with various factors that contribute to poor health. Firstly, air pollution from industrial activities or vehicle emissions can lead to serious health problems. For instance, workers who work in companies daily may develop lung cancer. Secondly, not only do they face physical health issues, but they also encounter mental health concerns. As the cost of living in large cities is higher than in other areas, individuals must perform numerous tasks, and sometimes they don’t have time to relax. For that reason, they experience significant stress.

In conclusion, while large cities have advantages in healthcare services, I believe that living there also causes severe physical and mental health problems for individuals.