Some people think that museums should be enjoyable places to entertain people, while others believe that the purpose of museums is to educate. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people think that museums should be enjoyable places to entertain people, while others believe that the purpose of museums is to educate.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

In the current days there is an ongoing dispute of whether museum hours used for educational activities or to hold cultural events such as an entertaining destination. While having museum as an entertaining location won’t have merits such as making it to the museum acquire knowledge and bringing more profits to the museum and also bolsters their keeping the value of history, personally I believe to undoubtedly deeply more crucial to the museum.

Generally making museum a fun experience might be a viable method to further developing the museum financially. Turning museum into a less theoretical activity helps popularize the industry to the people. Museums can be approached by a wider range of people regardless of the academic knowledge, thus making it more fun and easier for more people to learn from. Moreover museum can have the possibility to thrive with more finance from making museum entertaining. The museum managers can commercialize the place while making it entertaining which brings them the money needed to further develop the content, then boost research.

However, turning museum into a recreational place might hinder their existing values. Firstly, making museum fun may affect people’s attitude on history. More and more individuals are turning their back to history as they consider they just as “trivial” than V.B. only source for humiliation and fun. Honestly, many people agreed on gatekeeping history to maintain its value. Additionally, people who actually went to learn history could have a better experience. The information is modified to suit the general understanding while it can be more detailed and accurate if the knowledge only serve the people who want to seek for it.

In conclusion, people use museum to be more recreational-oriented in their way. Museums are places to gain profits, while others want to utilize museum a place for education to help people understand history thoroughly and retain the value. From my perspective, I advocate if latter.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In the current days" -> "In recent years"
   Explanation: "In the current days" is an awkward and informal expression. "In recent years" is a more natural and precise temporal reference suitable for academic writing.

2. "there is an ongoing dispute of whether" -> "there is ongoing debate about whether"
   Explanation: "Dispute" can imply conflict or disagreement, which may not accurately convey the academic tone. "Debate" is a more neutral term that fits the context better.

3. "used for educational activities or to hold cultural events such as an entertaining destination" -> "used for educational purposes or as a venue for cultural events"
   Explanation: "Used for educational activities" and "to hold cultural events such as an entertaining destination" are vague and informal. "Used for educational purposes" and "as a venue for cultural events" are more precise and formal.

4. "won’t have merits such as making it to the museum acquire knowledge" -> "would not offer benefits such as enhancing visitors’ knowledge"
   Explanation: "Won’t have merits" is awkward and unclear. "Would not offer benefits" is clearer and more formal. Also, "making it to the museum acquire knowledge" is grammatically incorrect; "enhancing visitors’ knowledge" corrects this and improves readability.

5. "bringing more profits to the museum and also bolsters their keeping the value of history" -> "generating increased revenue for the museum and preserving historical values"
   Explanation: "Bringing more profits" and "bolsters their keeping the value of history" are awkward and unclear. "Generating increased revenue" and "preserving historical values" are more precise and academically appropriate.

6. "personally I believe to undoubtedly deeply more crucial" -> "I firmly believe that it is undoubtedly more crucial"
   Explanation: "Personally I believe to undoubtedly deeply more crucial" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "I firmly believe that it is undoubtedly more crucial" corrects these issues and maintains a formal tone.

7. "making museum a fun experience" -> "transforming the museum into an enjoyable experience"
   Explanation: "Making museum a fun experience" is informal and lacks precision. "Transforming the museum into an enjoyable experience" is more formal and specific.

8. "less theoretical activity" -> "more interactive experience"
   Explanation: "Less theoretical activity" is vague and could be misinterpreted. "More interactive experience" clearly conveys the intended meaning of engaging visitors.

9. "Museums can be approached by a wider range of people regardless of the academic knowledge" -> "Museums can attract a broader audience regardless of their academic background"
   Explanation: "Can be approached by a wider range of people" is awkward and unclear. "Can attract a broader audience" is more direct and formal.

10. "more finance from making museum entertaining" -> "additional revenue from making the museum more engaging"
    Explanation: "More finance from making museum entertaining" is informal and imprecise. "Additional revenue from making the museum more engaging" is more specific and formal.

11. "making it entertaining which brings them the money needed" -> "making it engaging, thereby generating the necessary revenue"
    Explanation: "Making it entertaining which brings them the money needed" is informal and lacks clarity. "Making it engaging, thereby generating the necessary revenue" is more formal and precise.

12. "people’s attitude on history" -> "people’s attitudes towards history"
    Explanation: "Attitude on" is incorrect; "attitudes towards" is the correct prepositional phrase for expressing opinions or feelings about something.

13. "consider they just as “trivial” than V.B." -> "consider it trivial"
    Explanation: "Consider they just as “trivial” than V.B." is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Consider it trivial" corrects these issues and simplifies the expression.

14. "people agreed on gatekeeping history" -> "people agree that history should be preserved"
    Explanation: "People agreed on gatekeeping history" is awkward and unclear. "People agree that history should be preserved" is clearer and more formal.

15. "people who actually went to learn history" -> "those who genuinely seek to learn history"
    Explanation: "People who actually went to learn history" is awkward and informal. "Those who genuinely seek to learn history" is more formal and precise.

16. "the information is modified to suit the general understanding" -> "the information is adapted to accommodate general understanding"
    Explanation: "Modified to suit the general understanding" is slightly informal and vague. "Adapted to accommodate general understanding" is more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views regarding the purpose of museums, discussing the benefits of making museums entertaining as well as the potential drawbacks of this approach. The first paragraph outlines the argument for entertainment, while the second paragraph presents the counterargument focused on education. However, the essay could have benefited from a more balanced exploration of both perspectives. For instance, while the first view is discussed in detail, the second view is somewhat underdeveloped, particularly in terms of examples and elaboration.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that both views are given equal weight. This could involve providing more specific examples of how museums can educate visitors effectively and discussing the potential consequences of prioritizing entertainment over education. Additionally, a clearer distinction between the two views could help in presenting a more comprehensive discussion.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The writer expresses a clear personal opinion in favor of education over entertainment, particularly in the conclusion. However, the position is not consistently articulated throughout the essay. For example, the phrase "personally I believe to undoubtedly deeply more crucial to the museum" is vague and lacks clarity. The argument could be more persuasive if the writer explicitly stated their stance earlier in the essay and reinforced it throughout.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their opinion in the introduction and refer back to it in each paragraph. Using phrases like "In my opinion" or "I strongly believe" can help reinforce the position. Additionally, ensuring that each argument presented supports this position will create a more cohesive essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the financial benefits of making museums entertaining and the risk of trivializing history. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat lacking. For instance, the mention of "commercializing the place" could be expanded with examples of successful museums that have balanced entertainment with educational value. The second paragraph touches on the potential negative impact on historical understanding but does not provide concrete examples or evidence to substantiate this claim.
  • How to improve: The writer should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. This could involve citing specific museums that have successfully integrated entertainment and education or discussing studies that show the impact of entertainment on learning. Additionally, using statistics or quotes from experts could strengthen the arguments.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay remains focused on the topic of museums and their dual purpose. However, there are moments where the argument becomes convoluted, particularly in the second paragraph where the phrasing becomes unclear (e.g., "people who actually went to learn history could have a better experience"). This could lead to confusion about the writer’s main point.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each sentence directly relates to the main argument being discussed. Clarity in expression is vital; therefore, simplifying complex sentences and avoiding vague language will help keep the essay on topic. Additionally, using clear topic sentences for each paragraph can guide the reader through the argument more effectively.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task and presents relevant arguments, improvements in clarity, balance, and support for ideas will enhance the overall effectiveness and coherence of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both views regarding the purpose of museums and provides a personal opinion. However, the organization of information is somewhat inconsistent. The introduction is unclear and lacks a strong thesis statement. The body paragraphs do address the prompt but are not always logically sequenced. For example, the first body paragraph discusses the benefits of making museums entertaining but does not clearly connect these points to the overall argument. The second body paragraph introduces the drawbacks but lacks a smooth transition from the previous paragraph.
  • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, start with a clear introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed. Each body paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that clearly states the main idea. Ensure that each point logically follows from the previous one and use clear transitions between paragraphs. For example, "On the other hand" can be used to introduce the contrasting view in the second body paragraph.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their structure and effectiveness are lacking. The introduction is too brief and does not effectively set up the discussion. The body paragraphs contain multiple ideas that are not well-separated, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.
  • How to improve: Improve paragraphing by ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. Start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on the point. Conclude each paragraph with a sentence that ties the idea back to the main argument. For instance, the first body paragraph could focus solely on the financial benefits of making museums entertaining, while the second could discuss the potential drawbacks.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, but their usage is inconsistent and sometimes awkward. Phrases like "Generally making museum a fun experience" and "However, turning museum into a recreational place" attempt to link ideas but are not always effective. Additionally, the essay lacks variety in cohesive devices, leading to repetitive and unclear connections between ideas.
  • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices to improve the flow of the essay. Use a mix of conjunctions, transitional phrases, and referencing to link ideas smoothly. For example, use phrases like "Furthermore," "In addition," and "Conversely" to introduce new points or contrast ideas. Ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to maintain clarity and coherence.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a more logical structure, clearer paragraphing, and better use of cohesive devices, which will help improve the overall coherence and cohesion score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use varied expressions. Phrases like "ongoing dispute," "entertaining destination," and "commercialize the place" show an effort to incorporate diverse vocabulary. However, there are instances of repetition and limited synonyms, such as the repeated use of "museum" and "entertaining." This limits the essay’s lexical richness.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "museum," they could use "exhibition space," "cultural institution," or "gallery." Additionally, varying expressions for "entertain" could include "amuse," "engage," or "delight."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "making it to the museum acquire knowledge" is awkward and unclear. The use of "trivial" in the context of history is also problematic, as it may not accurately convey the intended meaning. Furthermore, phrases like "the possibility to thrive with more finance" could be more clearly expressed.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and appropriateness of word choices. Revising awkward phrases for clarity is essential. For instance, "making it to the museum acquire knowledge" could be rephrased to "visiting the museum to gain knowledge." Additionally, ensuring that terms like "trivial" are used correctly in context will enhance the overall quality of the essay.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from its overall quality. For example, "museum hours" should be "museum’s hours," and "bolsters their keeping the value of history" is awkwardly phrased. The phrase "individuals are turning their back to history" should be "turning their backs on history." These errors indicate a lack of attention to detail in spelling and grammar.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or grammar checkers can help identify errors. Additionally, practicing spelling commonly used academic vocabulary will build confidence and reduce mistakes in future essays.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable attempt at using vocabulary, it falls short in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on expanding vocabulary, improving word choice for clarity, and enhancing spelling through careful proofreading, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited variety of sentence structures. For example, the use of simple sentences predominates, such as "Museums can be approached by a wider range of people regardless of the academic knowledge." There are few complex or compound sentences, which would enhance the essay’s sophistication. The sentence "Turning museum into a less theoretical activity helps popularize the industry to the people" is an attempt at a more complex structure but lacks clarity and grammatical accuracy.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice combining sentences and using more complex forms. For instance, instead of saying "Museums can be approached by a wider range of people," the writer could say, "By making museums more accessible and entertaining, they can attract a wider audience, including those without extensive academic backgrounds." This not only adds variety but also improves clarity and engagement.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, the phrase "In the current days there is an ongoing dispute of whether museum hours used for educational activities or to hold cultural events" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "whether museum hours are used for educational activities or for holding cultural events." Additionally, the use of "museum" instead of "museums" is inconsistent, as it should be plural throughout. Punctuation is also lacking, particularly in the use of commas to separate clauses, which can lead to run-on sentences and confusion for the reader.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles (e.g., "the museum" vs. "museums"). Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in compound and complex sentences, will improve clarity. For example, the sentence "Honestly, many people agreed on gatekeeping history to maintain its value" could be clearer if rephrased to "Many people honestly agree that gatekeeping history is essential to maintaining its value."

Overall, to achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their grammatical range, improving sentence variety, and ensuring grammatical accuracy and proper punctuation throughout the essay. Regular practice with complex sentence structures and careful proofreading can significantly enhance the quality of their writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, there is an ongoing debate about whether museum hours should be used for educational activities or to hold cultural events as an entertaining destination. While having museums as entertaining locations would not offer benefits such as enhancing visitors’ knowledge and generating increased revenue for the museum, as well as preserving historical values, I firmly believe that it is undoubtedly more crucial for museums to focus on education.

Generally, making museums a fun experience might be a viable method to further develop them financially. Transforming museums into less theoretical activities helps popularize the industry among the public. Museums can attract a broader audience regardless of their academic background, thus making it more enjoyable and easier for more people to learn. Moreover, museums have the potential to thrive with additional revenue from making them more engaging. Museum managers can commercialize the space while making it entertaining, which brings in the funds needed to further develop the content and boost research.

However, turning museums into recreational places might hinder their existing values. Firstly, making museums fun may affect people’s attitudes towards history. More and more individuals are turning their backs on history as they consider it trivial, viewing it only as a source of entertainment. Honestly, many people agree that history should be preserved to maintain its value. Additionally, those who genuinely seek to learn history could have a better experience if the information is adapted to accommodate general understanding while still being detailed and accurate for those who want to delve deeper.

In conclusion, people use museums in a more recreational-oriented way. Museums can serve as places to generate profits, while others want to utilize them as educational spaces to help people understand history thoroughly and retain its value. From my perspective, I advocate for the latter.