Some people think that people commit crime because of poverty and social problems, while others think it is because of their bad nature. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Some people think that people commit crime because of poverty and social problems, while others think it is because of their bad nature.
Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

These days, the crime rate has been steadily increasing and shows no signs of slowing down. Many believe that poverty and other social issues are responsible for criminal activities, while others think that they are due to a person's nature. Although both sides have their valid view, from my point of view, I completely agree with the first statement.
On the one hand, I think that the main reason behind the first scenario is the lack of ability to afford the basic necessities such as good levels of education and medication encourages individuals to take some steps that are against the social standards. Therefore, when people do not have a direct path to afford these facilities, unfortunately, this turns them on the wrong circle and they try to steal those facilities with force by using knives or guns. For example, individuals struck in poverty may indulge in contracts of steal or murder to earn money so that they can earn basic requirements for their family members.
On the other hand, luck or hardships in life are not always the reasons that turn individuals into criminals. It might be their mindset or aggressive nature that leads them to take a negative path in order to achieve their desires. For example, some people want to control society through force and manipulation, and it is their mindset that leads them to commit crimes.
In conclusion, based on the above statements, I support that people's living situations are the main factors that can lead them to become criminals .

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "These days" -> "Currently"
   Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "These days."

2. "shows no signs of slowing down" -> "continues to rise"
   Explanation: "Continues to rise" is a more direct and formal way to describe an ongoing trend, avoiding the colloquial "shows no signs of slowing down."

3. "Many believe" -> "It is widely believed"
   Explanation: "It is widely believed" is a more formal expression that enhances the academic tone, indicating a broader consensus.

4. "valid view" -> "perspective"
   Explanation: "Perspective" is a more formal term that fits better in academic writing than "view," which can sound too casual.

5. "I completely agree" -> "I strongly concur"
   Explanation: "I strongly concur" is a more formal way to express strong agreement, suitable for academic writing.

6. "lack of ability to afford" -> "inability to afford"
   Explanation: "Inability" is a more precise term that directly conveys the lack of capacity, improving the formal tone.

7. "good levels of education and medication" -> "adequate education and healthcare"
   Explanation: "Adequate education and healthcare" are more specific and formal terms, replacing the vague "good levels of education and medication."

8. "direct path to afford" -> "means to access"
   Explanation: "Means to access" is a more precise and formal phrase, replacing the colloquial "direct path to afford."

9. "this turns them on the wrong circle" -> "this leads them astray"
   Explanation: "Leads them astray" is a more formal and precise expression, avoiding the colloquial "on the wrong circle."

10. "steal those facilities with force" -> "illegally acquire these resources"
    Explanation: "Illegally acquire these resources" is a more formal and precise way to describe the act of theft, avoiding the casual "steal."

11. "individuals struck in poverty" -> "individuals affected by poverty"
    Explanation: "Affected by poverty" is a more formal and accurate description, replacing the less formal "struck in poverty."

12. "indulge in contracts of steal or murder" -> "engage in illegal activities such as theft or murder"
    Explanation: "Engage in illegal activities such as theft or murder" is a more formal and precise way to describe the actions, avoiding the awkward and incorrect "indulge in contracts of steal."

13. "earn money so that they can earn basic requirements" -> "generate income to meet their basic needs"
    Explanation: "Generate income to meet their basic needs" is a more formal and clear expression, avoiding the repetition and awkward phrasing of "earn money so that they can earn."

14. "luck or hardships in life" -> "circumstances of good or bad fortune"
    Explanation: "Circumstances of good or bad fortune" is a more formal and precise way to describe the varying fortunes in life, replacing the colloquial "luck or hardships."

15. "aggressive nature" -> "aggressive tendencies"
    Explanation: "Aggressive tendencies" is a more specific and formal term, suitable for academic writing, compared to the less precise "aggressive nature."

16. "want to control society through force and manipulation" -> "seek to dominate society through coercion and manipulation"
    Explanation: "Seek to dominate society through coercion and manipulation" uses more precise and formal vocabulary, enhancing the academic tone.

17. "people’s living situations" -> "individuals’ living conditions"
    Explanation: "Individuals’ living conditions" is a more formal and precise term, suitable for academic writing, compared to the less formal "people’s living situations."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views regarding the causes of crime—poverty and social problems versus bad nature. The author presents a clear preference for the first view, which is commendable. However, the discussion of the second view is somewhat underdeveloped. The paragraph discussing bad nature lacks depth and specific examples, making it feel less substantial compared to the argument for poverty.
  • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should aim to provide a more balanced discussion by elaborating on the second viewpoint. This could involve including specific examples or statistics that illustrate how bad nature can lead to criminal behavior. Additionally, integrating counterarguments or acknowledging the complexity of the issue could strengthen the overall response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position favoring the idea that poverty and social issues are the primary causes of crime. The writer states their opinion explicitly in the introduction and conclusion, which helps reinforce their stance. However, the transition between discussing both views could be smoother, as the shift from one argument to the other feels abrupt.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity and coherence, the writer should use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the discussion of both viewpoints. For instance, phrases like "While some argue that…" or "Conversely…" can help signal shifts in perspective. This will create a more cohesive flow and enhance the reader’s understanding of the author’s position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to poverty effectively, providing a clear explanation of how it can lead to crime. The example of individuals resorting to theft due to lack of resources is relevant and illustrative. However, the support for the second viewpoint is weak, lacking sufficient detail and examples to convincingly extend the argument.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer should aim to include more detailed examples or case studies that illustrate the points being made. For instance, discussing specific instances where individuals from affluent backgrounds committed crimes due to their nature would provide a more balanced perspective. Additionally, incorporating statistics or research findings could lend credibility to the arguments presented.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the causes of crime as outlined in the prompt. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For example, the mention of "contracts of steal or murder" is somewhat vague and could be more directly tied to the broader discussion of how poverty influences criminal behavior.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every example and argument directly relates back to the prompt. Avoiding vague language and ensuring that all points made are clearly connected to the central thesis will help keep the essay on track. Additionally, outlining the main points before writing could help in structuring the essay more effectively around the topic.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and presents a clear argument, there is room for improvement in depth, balance, and coherence. By addressing these areas, the writer can aim for a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the two perspectives on crime, followed by two body paragraphs that discuss each viewpoint. The first paragraph effectively argues that poverty and social issues lead to crime, while the second paragraph counters this by discussing inherent traits as a cause. However, while the overall organization is logical, the transition between the two viewpoints could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "On the one hand" is appropriately used, but the transition to "On the other hand" could be enhanced to better signal the shift in perspective.
  • How to improve: To improve the logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing poverty, you might add a sentence that summarizes the argument before introducing the opposing view, such as, "While socioeconomic factors play a significant role, it is also essential to consider individual characteristics."

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate ideas, which aids in clarity. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct viewpoint, making it easy for the reader to follow the argument. However, the conclusion paragraph could be more robust. It currently reiterates the author’s opinion without synthesizing the arguments presented in the body paragraphs.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing the key points made in both body paragraphs before restating your opinion. This not only reinforces your argument but also demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the topic. For example, you might say, "While poverty undeniably drives many to crime, it is crucial to recognize that individual disposition also plays a significant role."

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited. The essay could benefit from more varied linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of ideas. For instance, phrases like "furthermore," "in addition," or "conversely" could be used to connect sentences and ideas more fluidly.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words throughout the essay. For example, when introducing examples, you could use "for instance" or "for example" more strategically. Additionally, using synonyms or varied expressions for "due to" or "because of" could enhance the richness of your writing.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, enhancing transitions, strengthening the conclusion, and diversifying cohesive devices will elevate the overall quality and clarity of the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "crime rate," "poverty," "social issues," and "aggressive nature." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "basic necessities" and "facilities." The use of synonyms or more varied expressions could enhance the richness of the language. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "facilities," alternatives like "resources" or "services" could be employed.
  • How to improve: To improve lexical range, the writer should incorporate more varied vocabulary related to the topic. This could include terms like "socioeconomic factors," "criminal behavior," "desperation," or "deviant actions." Engaging with a thesaurus or practicing paraphrasing can help in finding synonyms that fit the context better.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "turns them on the wrong circle" is awkward and unclear; a more precise expression would be "enters them into a vicious cycle." Additionally, the phrase "contracts of steal" is incorrect; it should be "contracts to steal" or "acts of stealing." Such inaccuracies can lead to confusion and detract from the clarity of the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on contextually appropriate phrases and ensure grammatical correctness. Reviewing common collocations and practicing sentence structure can help in achieving greater clarity. For example, instead of "struck in poverty," one might say "trapped in poverty."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "contracts of steal" (should be "contracts to steal") and "luck or hardships" (which could be better expressed as "luck or adverse circumstances"). While the overall spelling is generally accurate, these errors can undermine the professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, ideally after a break to gain a fresh perspective. Utilizing spell-check tools and engaging in regular spelling practice can also be beneficial. Additionally, maintaining a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them can help in avoiding similar mistakes in the future.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy are necessary to elevate the Lexical Resource score. Engaging with varied vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and practicing spelling will contribute to a more polished and effective essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of introductory phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" effectively organizes the argument. Additionally, the sentence "Although both sides have their valid view, from my point of view, I completely agree with the first statement" showcases a complex structure that adds depth to the argument. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a lack of more sophisticated structures, such as conditional or relative clauses, which could enhance the overall complexity.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "I think that the main reason behind the first scenario is the lack of ability to afford the basic necessities," the writer could say, "The main reason behind the first scenario, as I believe, stems from individuals’ inability to afford basic necessities." This not only varies the structure but also improves the flow of ideas.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally good command of grammar and punctuation, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "individuals struck in poverty may indulge in contracts of steal or murder" contains awkward phrasing and incorrect word choice; "contracts of steal" should be "contracts to steal." Additionally, punctuation errors, such as the missing comma before "unfortunately," can lead to run-on sentences that confuse the reader. The phrase "I support that people’s living situations are the main factors that can lead them to become criminals" is also slightly awkward and could be more clearly expressed.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, particularly in word choice and sentence structure. Utilizing grammar checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can help identify these issues. Furthermore, practicing the correct use of commas and other punctuation marks in complex sentences will improve clarity. For example, revising the conclusion to say, "In conclusion, I firmly believe that people’s living situations are the primary factors leading them to criminal behavior," would enhance both clarity and grammatical correctness.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents arguments effectively, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

These days, the crime rate continues to rise and shows no signs of slowing down. Many believe that poverty and other social problems are responsible for criminal activities, while others think that they stem from a person’s nature. Although both perspectives have their merits, I strongly concur with the view that poverty and social issues play a significant role in driving individuals towards crime.

On the one hand, I believe that the primary reason behind the first scenario is the inability to afford basic necessities such as adequate education and healthcare. This lack of means to access essential resources encourages individuals to engage in actions that go against social standards. Consequently, when people do not have a direct path to obtain these facilities, they may find themselves trapped in a vicious cycle, leading them to illegally acquire these resources. For example, individuals affected by poverty may resort to theft or even murder in order to generate income to meet their basic needs for their families.

On the other hand, it is important to acknowledge that luck or hardships in life are not always the sole reasons that turn individuals into criminals. It might be their mindset or aggressive tendencies that lead them to take a negative path in order to achieve their desires. For instance, some people may seek to dominate society through coercion and manipulation, and it is their inherent nature that drives them to commit crimes.

In conclusion, based on the above statements, I maintain that individuals’ living conditions are the primary factors that can lead them to become criminals.