Some people think that physical education is essential for students’ overall development, while others believe that academic subjects are more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people think that physical education is essential for students' overall development, while others believe that academic subjects are more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

These days, many argue that exercise is a crucial subject for students to become well-rounded individuals whereas others contend that academic disciplines has a superior importance. This essay will highlight both of these opinions and present my own thought.
On the one hand, physical activities in the curriculum bring about several prominent benefits to the maturity of students. Firstly, these pursuits at school play a critical role in maintaning both physical and mental well-being. Not only do exercise promote the growth of main body’s functions but it also relieves stress from studying. For instance, school children in Vietnam are encouraged to develop the habit of playing sports regularly like basketball as a positive recreation with the merit of growing their height and reducing pressure from schooling. Secondly, physical subject reinforces social relationships of students and enables them to learn valuable life skills. Particularly, engaging in teamsports such as football offers students the opportunity to learn teamworking skills and create mutual understanding and strong relationships’ bonds among members.
On the other hand, there are multiple advantages offered by academic courses which surpass to those of physical education. First of all, academic learning provideư students with an adequate expertise for their future career. While doing exercise is nothing but a way to enhance fitness and relax, students would gain in-dept knowledge for their major from academic subjects and they therefore have a higher career prospect compared to others. Additionally, education institutions are believed to primarily focus on training students on academic subjects. This can be attributable to the demand of high-skilled workforce with excellent academic background for the job market in which physical fitness is underrated. Specifically, it is unnecessary to possess excellence in physical education at school rather than linguistic qualifications like IELTS for a white-collar job.
In conclusion, it is inevitable that both physical practices in formal schooling and academic subjects have their unique advantages. From my perspective, the syllabus should be balanced between physical pursuits and academic learning to ensure the optimal development for students.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "These days, many argue that exercise is a crucial subject for students to become well-rounded individuals whereas others contend that academic disciplines has a superior importance." -> "Presently, there is a debate concerning the significance of exercise as a pivotal component in shaping well-rounded individuals, while others emphasize the superior importance of academic disciplines."
   Explanation: "These days" is informal and can be replaced with "Presently" to better suit the formal tone. "Has" should be replaced with "have" to agree with the plural subject "academic disciplines."

2. "This essay will highlight both of these opinions and present my own thought." -> "This essay will elucidate both perspectives and articulate my own viewpoint."
   Explanation: "Highlight" can be replaced with "elucidate" for a more formal tone. "Present my own thought" can be replaced with "articulate my own viewpoint" for clarity and precision.

3. "physical activities in the curriculum" -> "physical education within the curriculum"
   Explanation: "Physical activities" is somewhat vague and informal. "Physical education" is a more precise term for academic contexts.

4. "Firstly, these pursuits at school play a critical role in maintaning both physical and mental well-being." -> "Firstly, these activities within the educational setting play a critical role in maintaining both physical and mental well-being."
   Explanation: "Pursuits" is a bit informal and vague, whereas "activities within the educational setting" is more precise. "Maintaining" is corrected to "maintaining" for proper spelling.

5. "Not only do exercise promote the growth of main body’s functions but it also relieves stress from studying." -> "Exercise not only promotes the functions of the body but also alleviates stress associated with studying."
   Explanation: "Main body’s functions" is unclear and awkward; "functions of the body" is more precise. "Relieves" is changed to "alleviates" for a more formal tone.

6. "For instance, school children in Vietnam are encouraged to develop the habit of playing sports regularly like basketball as a positive recreation with the merit of growing their height and reducing pressure from schooling." -> "For instance, school children in Vietnam are encouraged to cultivate the habit of regularly participating in sports such as basketball, which not only promotes physical growth but also alleviates academic stress."
   Explanation: "Playing sports regularly like basketball" can be simplified to "regularly participating in sports such as basketball" for clarity and formality. "Positive recreation with the merit of growing their height and reducing pressure from schooling" is convoluted and can be simplified to "promotes physical growth and alleviates academic stress."

7. "Secondly, physical subject reinforces social relationships of students and enables them to learn valuable life skills." -> "Secondly, physical education enhances students’ social relationships and enables them to acquire valuable life skills."
   Explanation: "Physical subject" should be "physical education" for clarity and formality. "Reinforces" can be replaced with "enhances" for variety.

8. "Particularly, engaging in teamsports such as football offers students the opportunity to learn teamworking skills and create mutual understanding and strong relationships’ bonds among members." -> "Engaging in team sports such as football offers students the opportunity to develop teamwork skills and foster mutual understanding and strong bonds among team members."
   Explanation: "Teamsports" should be "team sports" for proper formatting. "Teamworking skills" is a more precise term for the skills acquired from team sports. "Create mutual understanding and strong relationships’ bonds among members" can be simplified for clarity and conciseness.

9. "there are multiple advantages offered by academic courses which surpass to those of physical education." -> "there are numerous advantages offered by academic courses that surpass those of physical education."
   Explanation: "Multiple" can be replaced with "numerous" for a more formal tone. "Surpass to" should be "surpass" for grammatical correctness.

10. "First of all, academic learning provideư students with an adequate expertise for their future career." -> "First of all, academic learning provides students with expertise relevant to their future careers."
    Explanation: "Provideư" should be "provides" for proper spelling. "Adequate expertise" can be simplified to "expertise."

11. "While doing exercise is nothing but a way to enhance fitness and relax," -> "While engaging in exercise serves as a means to enhance fitness and relaxation,"
    Explanation: "While doing exercise" is informal; "engaging in exercise" is more formal. "Nothing but" is overly colloquial; "serves as a means to" is more appropriate.

12. "students would gain in-dept knowledge for their major from academic subjects" -> "students acquire in-depth knowledge relevant to their majors through academic subjects"
    Explanation: "In-dept" should be "in-depth" for proper spelling. "For their major" can be changed to "relevant to their majors" for clarity and conciseness.

13. "it is unnecessary to possess excellence in physical education at school rather than linguistic qualifications like IELTS for a white-collar job." -> "it is deemed unnecessary to excel in physical education at school compared to possessing linguistic qualifications such as the IELTS for a white-collar job."
    Explanation: "Possess excellence" can be changed to "excel" for conciseness. "Rather than" can be replaced with "compared to" for clarity. "Like IELTS" can be changed to "such as the IELTS" for proper usage.

14. "In conclusion, it is inevitable that both physical practices in formal schooling and academic subjects have their unique advantages." -> "In conclusion, it is evident that both physical education in formal schooling and academic subjects offer unique advantages."
    Explanation: "Inevitable" suggests an unavoidable outcome, which isn’t accurate here; "evident" is more suitable. "Physical practices" is vague and informal; "physical education" is more precise.

15. "From my perspective, the syllabus should be balanced between physical pursuits and academic learning to ensure the optimal development for students." -> "In my view, a balanced curriculum that integrates both physical education and academic learning is essential for ensuring students’ optimal development."
    Explanation: "From my perspective" is somewhat informal; "In my view" is more formal. "Physical pursuits" can be replaced with "physical education" for clarity and precision. "To ensure the optimal development for students" is slightly wordy; "is essential for ensuring students’ optimal development" is more concise.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately discusses both perspectives on the importance of physical education versus academic subjects. It acknowledges the benefits of physical activities for students’ well-being and social skills, as well as the advantages of academic learning for future career prospects. However, the discussion could be more comprehensive, with deeper exploration of each viewpoint.
  • How to improve: To improve, ensure a thorough analysis of each viewpoint by providing more specific examples and elaborating on the implications of prioritizing one over the other. Additionally, explicitly address each aspect of the prompt to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the question.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position by acknowledging the benefits of both physical education and academic subjects and advocating for a balanced approach. However, the position could be strengthened by providing stronger reasoning or evidence to support the argument for balance.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the clarity of your position by providing more robust arguments or evidence to support the advocacy for a balanced approach. Consider incorporating examples or research findings to bolster your argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, with examples provided to support each perspective. However, some ideas could be further developed and elaborated upon for clarity and depth.
  • How to improve: Extend and support ideas by providing more detailed explanations, examples, or evidence. Ensure that each point is fully developed to enhance the coherence and persuasiveness of the essay.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the relative importance of physical education and academic subjects. However, there are instances where the focus shifts slightly, such as when discussing career prospects.
  • How to improve: To stay more focused on the topic, ensure that all points directly relate to the discussion of physical education versus academic subjects. Avoid tangential discussions that do not directly contribute to addressing the prompt.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear position, there is room for improvement in terms of depth of analysis, clarity of argumentation, and staying consistently focused on the topic. By incorporating more specific examples, providing stronger reasoning, and maintaining focus throughout, the essay could achieve a higher band score for Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a somewhat clear organization, with distinct paragraphs addressing each viewpoint. However, there are instances where the flow of ideas feels disjointed, such as the transition between paragraphs. For instance, the shift from discussing the benefits of physical education to academic subjects could be smoother.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure a smoother transition between paragraphs by using transitional phrases or sentences. Additionally, consider structuring the essay more cohesively by introducing a clear thesis statement in the introduction that previews the main points to be discussed in each paragraph.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs adequately, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, some paragraphs could be more effectively structured to improve coherence. For example, the paragraph discussing the benefits of academic subjects could be broken down into smaller, more focused paragraphs to enhance readability and clarity.
  • How to improve: Divide longer paragraphs into smaller ones, each focusing on a single idea or point. This will make the essay easier to follow and enhance the reader’s understanding of the arguments presented.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes some cohesive devices, such as transition words like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand." However, the variety and effectiveness of cohesive devices could be improved to strengthen the coherence of the essay further. Additionally, some sentences lack cohesion, leading to a less seamless flow of ideas.
  • How to improve: Incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices, including pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), conjunctions (e.g., "furthermore," "however"), and synonyms to avoid repetition. Ensure that each sentence connects logically to the preceding one to maintain a smooth flow of ideas throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of vocabulary, encompassing terms related to both physical education and academic subjects. For example, the usage of phrases such as "well-rounded individuals," "prominent benefits," "adequate expertise," and "optimal development" showcases a breadth of vocabulary. However, some repetition and lack of depth in certain vocabulary choices could be noted. For instance, terms like "prominent benefits" and "multiple advantages" could be substituted with more specific descriptors to enrich the lexical diversity further.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, aim to incorporate more nuanced vocabulary that precisely conveys the intended meaning. Instead of relying on generic phrases like "prominent benefits," strive to employ specific adjectives or descriptive phrases that offer greater clarity and depth. Additionally, consider integrating specialized terminology related to physical education and academic disciplines to demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally utilizes vocabulary with reasonable precision, although there are instances of imprecise or repetitive usage. For instance, the phrase "adequate expertise" could be more precisely replaced with terms like "specialized knowledge" or "proficiency." Additionally, repetitive use of certain terms, such as "academic subjects," could be diversified to maintain reader engagement and demonstrate lexical versatility.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision in vocabulary usage, strive to select words and phrases that precisely convey the intended meaning within the context of the essay. Avoid repetitive usage of terms by employing synonyms or alternative expressions where appropriate. Furthermore, consider refining general terms with more specific descriptors to enhance clarity and conciseness.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable level of spelling accuracy, with minor errors dispersed throughout the text. Examples include "maintaning" instead of "maintaining," "create" instead of "creating," and "qualificationưs" instead of "qualifications." While these errors do not significantly detract from the overall coherence of the essay, improving spelling accuracy would enhance the professionalism and credibility of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing strategies such as proofreading the essay thoroughly before submission to identify and correct spelling errors. Additionally, utilize spell-checking tools or seek feedback from peers or educators to catch any overlooked mistakes. Developing a habit of reviewing written work for spelling accuracy can contribute to improved overall writing proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the structures further. For example, there is a tendency to begin sentences with "Firstly" and "Secondly," which could be varied for better coherence and flow.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence constructions, such as conditional sentences or sentences with relative clauses. Additionally, vary the introductory phrases for paragraphs to avoid repetition and enhance coherence.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay displays a moderate level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are several instances of grammatical errors throughout the essay. For example, "maintaning" should be "maintaining," "relationships’ bonds" should be "relationship bonds," "provideư" should be "provides," "in-dept" should be "in-depth," and "possess excellence" could be rephrased for clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and word usage. Proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help catch and correct these errors. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify recurring grammatical issues and work on addressing them systematically.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary times, there exists a debate regarding the importance of exercise as a pivotal element in shaping well-rounded individuals, while others emphasize the superior importance of academic disciplines. This essay will elucidate both perspectives and articulate my own viewpoint.

On one hand, physical education within the curriculum brings forth several notable benefits for students’ holistic development. Firstly, these activities within the educational setting play a critical role in maintaining both physical and mental well-being. Exercise not only promotes the functions of the body but also alleviates stress associated with studying. For instance, school children in Vietnam are encouraged to cultivate the habit of regularly participating in sports such as basketball, which not only promotes physical growth but also alleviates academic stress. Secondly, physical education enhances students’ social relationships and enables them to acquire valuable life skills. Engaging in team sports such as football offers students the opportunity to develop teamwork skills and foster mutual understanding and strong bonds among team members.

On the other hand, there are numerous advantages offered by academic courses that surpass those of physical education. First of all, academic learning provides students with expertise relevant to their future careers. While engaging in exercise serves as a means to enhance fitness and relaxation, students acquire in-depth knowledge relevant to their majors through academic subjects. Additionally, it is deemed unnecessary to excel in physical education at school compared to possessing linguistic qualifications such as the IELTS for a white-collar job.

In conclusion, it is evident that both physical education in formal schooling and academic subjects offer unique advantages. In my view, a balanced curriculum that integrates both physical education and academic learning is essential for ensuring students’ optimal development.