Some people think that public health is the responsibility of the government while others think that people should be responsible for their own health. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

Some people think that public health is the responsibility of the government
while others think that people should be responsible for their own health.
Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

It is true that the question of whether the government should be responsible for community health or individuals had a private duty on their own health remains a source of controversy in the health field. While I understand why some support the former view, I am still in favor of the latter.
On the one hand, I understand why some people believe public health is the duty of authorities. From their point of view, the government is responsible for providing good health care, medicine, and vaccines to the community. It is undeniable that these health services are one of the most important and necessary aspects of public health and the government has to guarantee them always sufficient for everyone. In COVID-19 epidemic, for instance, the duty of the government in preventing the health public from the disease became extremely vital, particularly in finding vaccines as well as efficient treatments for patients. In addition, the government plays an essential role in regulating medicinal costs in order to ensure they are suitable for everybody, especially for those who are not from well- off areas.
On the other hand, I still side with those who believe individuals have the primary duty in protecting their own health. Initially, preventing the body from diseases or enhancing the immune system is the responsibility of each person not others. Those who prioritize preventive measures and maintain a healthy lifestyle may have fewer risks of incurring diseases. Furthermore, individuals entirely responsible for their own health not only is their social duty but also can contribute to easing the government burden on healthcare services.
In conclusion, although both views certainly have some validity, I believe it is more advisable that people should be responsible for their own health.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "had a private duty on their own health" -> "had a personal responsibility for their own health"
   Explanation: Replacing "had a private duty on their own health" with "had a personal responsibility for their own health" clarifies the idea more formally and accurately, using the term "responsibility" instead of "duty."

2. "While I understand why some support the former view" -> "While I comprehend the reasons behind supporting the former perspective"
   Explanation: Changing "I understand why some support" to "I comprehend the reasons behind supporting" enhances the formality and precision of the statement, substituting "understand" with "comprehend" and expressing the rationale more explicitly.

3. "medicine, and vaccines" -> "medication, and vaccinations"
   Explanation: Replacing "medicine, and vaccines" with "medication, and vaccinations" offers a more formal and precise terminology, using "medication" and "vaccinations" instead of the more general "medicine" and "vaccines."

4. "It is undeniable that these health services are one of the most important and necessary aspects" -> "Undoubtedly, these health services constitute crucial and indispensable facets"
   Explanation: The suggested revision enhances the formality and precision of the sentence by using "undoubtedly," "constitute," and "indispensable facets" in place of "It is undeniable," "are one of the most important," and "necessary aspects."

5. "duty of the government in preventing the health public" -> "responsibility of the government in safeguarding public health"
   Explanation: Substituting "duty of the government in preventing the health public" with "responsibility of the government in safeguarding public health" improves the formality and clarity of the expression, using "responsibility" and "safeguarding public health" for more precision.

6. "the government has to guarantee them always sufficient for everyone" -> "the government must ensure they are consistently adequate for everyone"
   Explanation: Changing "the government has to guarantee them always sufficient for everyone" to "the government must ensure they are consistently adequate for everyone" maintains formality while conveying the idea more precisely.

7. "especially in finding vaccines as well as efficient treatments for patients" -> "particularly in developing vaccines and effective treatments for patients"
   Explanation: Replacing "especially in finding vaccines as well as efficient treatments for patients" with "particularly in developing vaccines and effective treatments for patients" simplifies the expression while maintaining formality and precision.

8. "well-off areas" -> "affluent areas"
   Explanation: Substituting "well-off areas" with "affluent areas" provides a more formal and sophisticated term, aligning with academic style.

9. "I still side with those who believe individuals have the primary duty" -> "I still align with those who assert that individuals bear the primary responsibility"
   Explanation: Changing "I still side with those who believe individuals have the primary duty" to "I still align with those who assert that individuals bear the primary responsibility" enhances formality and replaces "side" with "align" for precision.

10. "preventing the body from diseases" -> "preventing the onset of diseases"
    Explanation: Replacing "preventing the body from diseases" with "preventing the onset of diseases" maintains formality and employs more precise language.

11. "may have fewer risks of incurring diseases" -> "may be at a lower risk of contracting diseases"
    Explanation: Substituting "may have fewer risks of incurring diseases" with "may be at a lower risk of contracting diseases" enhances formality and precision.

12. "entirely responsible for their own health not only is their social duty" -> "being entirely responsible for their own health is not only a social obligation"
    Explanation: Changing "entirely responsible for their own health not only is their social duty" to "being entirely responsible for their own health is not only a social obligation" improves the sentence’s structure and formality.

13. "government burden on healthcare services" -> "governmental burden on healthcare services"
    Explanation: Replacing "government burden on healthcare services" with "governmental burden on healthcare services" uses a more formal term, aligning with academic language.

14. "although both views certainly have some validity" -> "while both perspectives undeniably possess merit"
    Explanation: Substituting "although both views certainly have some validity" with "while both perspectives undeniably possess merit" maintains formality and replaces "validity" with "merit" for precision.

15. "I believe it is more advisable that people should be responsible" -> "I believe it is more prudent for individuals to be responsible"
    Explanation: Changing "I believe it is more advisable that people should be responsible" to "I believe it is more prudent for individuals to be responsible" enhances formality and replaces "advisable" with "prudent" for a more fitting term.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the prompt. It discusses the viewpoint that public health is the responsibility of the government and the opposing stance that individuals should take charge of their health. The introduction sets up the dual perspective, and the body paragraphs effectively elaborate on each viewpoint before presenting the writer’s opinion in the conclusion.
  • How to improve: While the essay successfully covers both sides, enhancing the depth of analysis in each perspective by providing more specific examples and considering potential counterarguments could strengthen the response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position in favor of individuals being responsible for their own health. The writer consistently expresses this stance throughout the essay, both in the body paragraphs and the conclusion.
  • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, consider incorporating a more explicit thesis statement in the introduction that clearly outlines the writer’s opinion on the matter.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas on both sides of the argument, with clear topic sentences in each body paragraph. However, some ideas could be extended with more detailed examples or elaboration. For instance, the argument about the government’s role in regulating medicinal costs could benefit from specific examples or data to support the point.
  • How to improve: Provide more in-depth examples and evidence to support each argument. This will help in bolstering the overall strength of the essay and provide a more comprehensive view of the topic.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the key aspects of whether the government or individuals should be responsible for public health. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes somewhat generalized, such as the reference to the COVID-19 epidemic, where more specific details could enhance the relevance.
  • How to improve: Ensure that examples and details provided directly relate to the central theme of government versus individual responsibility for public health. Avoid broad statements that may divert from the primary focus.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, effectively addressing both sides of the argument while maintaining a clear stance. To improve, the writer can focus on providing more specific examples and ensuring that all ideas are thoroughly developed and supported. Additionally, maintaining precision and relevance in examples will further enhance the overall quality of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs presenting both perspectives, and a concluding statement. The writer effectively outlines the arguments supporting both government responsibility and individual responsibility for public health. However, there are instances where the essay’s logical flow could be improved. For example, the transition between the reasons supporting government responsibility and those supporting individual responsibility could be smoother.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider employing transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader through shifts in perspective. Ensure a seamless flow between paragraphs, emphasizing the relationship between ideas. For instance, a more explicit transition sentence could precede the paragraph discussing individual responsibility, establishing a smoother connection with the preceding argument.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into three paragraphs: introduction, body, and conclusion. Paragraphs are discernible, but there is room for improvement in their structure and effectiveness. The body paragraph could be more refined with a clear topic sentence and supporting details. The transition from discussing government responsibility to individual responsibility is abrupt.
  • How to improve: Begin the body paragraph with a strong topic sentence summarizing the main point. Follow it with well-developed supporting details and examples. Additionally, consider breaking down the body paragraph into two, with one focused on government responsibility and the other on individual responsibility. This approach can enhance clarity and organization, providing a smoother transition between the contrasting viewpoints.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates some cohesive devices, such as transition words ("On the one hand," "On the other hand," "Furthermore," "In conclusion"). However, there is a limited variety, and their use could be more strategic to strengthen the overall coherence.
  • How to improve: Introduce a broader range of cohesive devices to establish clear relationships between ideas. Consider using cohesive devices not only within paragraphs but also between them. For example, utilize words like "Moreover," "Additionally," or "Conversely" to highlight connections between contrasting viewpoints. This will contribute to a more cohesive and coherent essay structure.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of coherence and cohesion, refining transitions and paragraph structure will elevate the overall organization. Employing a broader array of cohesive devices will further enhance the essay’s coherence, ensuring a smoother and more connected presentation of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It includes terms related to public health (health care, medicine, vaccines), responsibilities (duty, responsibility), and the COVID-19 epidemic. However, there’s room for improvement in terms of variety and sophistication. For instance, synonyms or alternative expressions for commonly used words could enhance the lexical richness.
  • How to improve: Introduce a broader range of vocabulary by incorporating synonyms and more nuanced expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "health," consider alternatives like well-being, fitness, or vitality. Aim for precision and diversity to elevate the lexical quality.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The usage of vocabulary is generally precise, but there are instances where words could be chosen more carefully. For example, in the sentence "the government has to guarantee them always sufficient for everyone," the word "always" might be imprecise. Additionally, there is repetition of phrases like "preventive measures" and "duty," which, if diversified, would contribute to a more sophisticated expression.
  • How to improve: Be mindful of the context in which words are used and choose them with precision. Avoid unnecessary repetitions and explore synonyms to convey similar ideas. For instance, consider replacing "always" with "consistently" for a more precise meaning.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few minor errors, such as "had a private duty" (should be "had a private view") and "medicinal costs" (more commonly used term is "medication costs"). These errors do not significantly impact understanding, but improving them would enhance overall spelling accuracy.
  • How to improve: Pay close attention to detail during proofreading to catch minor spelling errors. Utilize tools like spell checkers or seek feedback from peers to identify and rectify any overlooked mistakes. Additionally, ensure familiarity with common terms and expressions to avoid using less conventional alternatives unintentionally.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory command of vocabulary, enhancements in variety, precision, and spelling accuracy could elevate the Lexical Resource score. Strive for a more diverse and refined selection of words to convey ideas effectively and with greater nuance.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For example, the writer effectively employs complex sentences in expressing the government’s responsibility for public health: "From their point of view, the government is responsible for providing good health care, medicine, and vaccines to the community." However, there is room for improvement as certain sentence structures are repetitive, such as the repeated use of introductory phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand."
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences, varying the placement of phrases and clauses, and experimenting with different sentence beginnings. Additionally, avoid overusing certain transitional phrases to maintain a more engaging writing style.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with a few minor errors in sentence structure. For instance, in the sentence, "It is undeniable that these health services are one of the most important and necessary aspects of public health and the government has to guarantee them always sufficient for everyone," the use of "always" seems awkward and could be clarified. Punctuation is generally accurate, but there are occasional comma splices or missing commas in complex sentences.
  • How to improve: Focus on refining sentence structure to ensure clarity and precision. Review the use of adverbs like "always" and consider rephrasing for smoother flow. Additionally, pay close attention to punctuation in complex sentences, ensuring that commas are appropriately placed to avoid ambiguity. Proofreading for these details can significantly enhance grammatical accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical range and accuracy. To improve, the writer should strive for greater variety in sentence structures and refine grammatical details for enhanced clarity and precision.

Bài sửa mẫu

The debate over whether the government should bear the responsibility for community health or if individuals hold a personal duty for their own well-being continues to be a contentious issue in the field of public health. While I comprehend the reasons behind supporting the former perspective, I still align with those who assert that individuals bear the primary responsibility.

Undoubtedly, health services such as good healthcare, medication, and vaccinations constitute crucial and indispensable facets of public health. From the standpoint of those advocating governmental responsibility, it is undeniable that these services are essential, and the government must ensure they are consistently adequate for everyone. For example, during the COVID-19 epidemic, the government’s role in preventing the spread of the disease and facilitating access to vaccines and effective treatments became extremely vital. Additionally, the government plays a crucial role in regulating medicinal costs to ensure they are affordable, especially for those in less affluent areas.

On the other hand, I still side with those who believe individuals have the primary duty in protecting their own health. Preventing the onset of diseases and enhancing the immune system is, fundamentally, the responsibility of each person. Those who prioritize preventive measures and maintain a healthy lifestyle may be at a lower risk of contracting diseases. Moreover, being entirely responsible for their own health is not only a social obligation but also contributes to easing the governmental burden on healthcare services.

In conclusion, while both perspectives undeniably possess merit, I believe it is more prudent for individuals to be responsible for their own health. This not only promotes personal well-being but also alleviates the strain on public healthcare services.