Some people think that punishment is the best way of teaching children to behave well. Others believe that it is better to reward children for good behaviour.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Many people believe that utilizing punishment in educating children is the most effective approach to encourage them to have better behaviors, while others maintain the belief that rewarding will bring better effect than the previous one. This essay will examine both convictions, prior to determining the most prudent course of action.
On the one hand, opting for punishments to educate children will bring several benefits, which enhance them to have better behavior. The most notable point is that adopting punishment will enable children to remember their mistakes well. The possible rationale is that children have not reached a certain level of maturity, preventing them from distinguishing between appropriate and inappropriate behaviors. Due to the different mindsets between two distant generations, words are not convincing enough for children to obey instructions from older people. Thus, punishment will bring intended effects, compelling children to abstain from misbehavior in the foreseeable future. For instance, if a child is interested in eating candy, taking away their expected item as a punishment will facilitate long-lasting memory of their mistake, which makes them endeavor to become a better child.
On the other hand, rewarding is considered a superior method of teaching children to behave appropriately. Firstly, if rewards are proposed for children to have good contributions to the community, they will get a sense of motivation. Simultaneously, rewards are regarded as a specific goal, enhancing their competitiveness to make more effort to accomplish outstanding performance to get a present. Another point to consider is that children are always attracted by positive inclinations, and delivering them rewards will boost their enjoyment, making them immersed in training and practices to commit to good behaviors. As a result, they will become good citizens and experience an increase in self-esteem when engaging in conversation with their peers.
In my perspective, several positive effects are generated through punishment utilization. Punishment will enhance distinct children’s realization of good and bad behaviors, which make them follow the instructions from older generations and have a more positive commitment in their lives. Secondly, since punishment is stricter than remaining educational approaches to prevent them from behaving inappropriately, it facilitates more well-rounded development.
In conclusion, although rewards play a crucial role in honing children to become better, I believe that punishment is the most utilized method of teaching children.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"utilizing" -> "using"
Explanation: Replacing "utilizing" with "using" simplifies the language and makes it more straightforward while maintaining formal tone.
"have better behaviors" -> "exhibit better behavior"
Explanation: "Exhibit better behavior" is a more precise and academically appropriate phrase than "have better behaviors."
"maintain the belief" -> "hold the belief"
Explanation: "Hold the belief" is a more suitable and formal expression in academic writing.
"convictions" -> "viewpoints"
Explanation: "Viewpoints" is a more common and academic term to refer to different beliefs or opinions.
"opting for punishments" -> "choosing punishments"
Explanation: "Choosing punishments" is a clearer and more direct phrase.
"enhance them to have better behavior" -> "encourage better behavior"
Explanation: "Encourage better behavior" is a more concise and precise expression.
"notable point" -> "significant aspect"
Explanation: "Significant aspect" is a more formal and precise choice of words.
"adoptive punishment" -> "implementing punishment"
Explanation: "Implementing punishment" is a more suitable phrase in academic writing.
"intended effects" -> "desired outcomes"
Explanation: "Desired outcomes" is a more appropriate and formal term.
"abstain from misbehavior" -> "refrain from misconduct"
Explanation: "Refrain from misconduct" is a more formal and precise expression.
"immerse in training and practices" -> "engage in training and practices"
Explanation: "Engage in training and practices" is a more natural and academically appropriate phrase.
"more well-rounded development" -> "comprehensive development"
Explanation: "Comprehensive development" is a more formal and precise choice.
"I believe that punishment is the most utilized method" -> "I believe that punishment is the most commonly employed method"
Explanation: "Commonly employed method" is a more formal and precise phrase.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Quoted text: "Many people believe that utilizing punishment in educating children is the most effective approach to encourage them to have better behaviors, while others maintain the belief that rewarding will bring better effect than the previous one. This essay will examine both convictions, prior to determining the most prudent course of action."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction provides an overview of the two opposing views, which is appropriate. However, it lacks clarity in presenting your own opinion on the matter. It’s essential to clearly state your position in the introduction. Additionally, the introduction could be more concise. Consider revising it to directly state your viewpoint and briefly outline the main points you will discuss.
- Improved example: "Many people believe that using punishment is the best way to teach children good behavior, while others argue that rewarding them is more effective. In this essay, I will argue that punishment has its merits in teaching children proper conduct, but rewards also play a significant role."
Quoted text: "The most notable point is that adopting punishment will enable children to remember their mistakes well."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While you’ve started to address the advantages of using punishment to educate children, this statement lacks specificity and could benefit from elaboration and examples. You could provide real-life examples or personal experiences that illustrate how punishment helps children remember their mistakes.
- Improved example: "One notable advantage of using punishment as an educational tool is that it helps children remember their mistakes vividly. For instance, if a child misbehaves by lying, a suitable punishment, such as a temporary loss of privileges, can leave a lasting impression, making them less likely to repeat the same behavior."
Quoted text: "On the other hand, rewarding is considered a superior method of teaching children to behave appropriately."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: This statement presents the opposing view, but it lacks a clear transition from the previous point about punishment. To improve clarity, you can use transitional phrases or sentences to smoothly transition from one point to another.
- Improved example: "However, an alternative perspective suggests that rewarding children is a more effective method for instilling appropriate behavior."
Quoted text: "Firstly, if rewards are proposed for children to have good contributions to the community, they will get a sense of motivation."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: This point introduces the idea of motivation through rewards, which is good. However, it could be strengthened by providing specific examples of how rewards motivate children to exhibit good behavior in the community.
- Improved example: "To illustrate, when children are offered rewards for participating in community service or helping others, they often develop a strong sense of motivation. For instance, a student who receives recognition and praise for volunteering at a local charity may be inspired to continue such positive contributions."
Overall, your essay addresses the task adequately by discussing both viewpoints. However, there is room for improvement in providing specific examples and making your own position clear in the introduction. Additionally, work on smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance the overall flow of your essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: This essay falls within the Band 7 range for Coherence and Cohesion criteria. It logically organizes information and ideas with clear progression throughout the essay. It effectively uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately, such as transition words and phrases, to connect sentences and paragraphs. There is a clear central topic within each paragraph, with a well-structured introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
How to improve: To reach a Band 8 score, the essay could further enhance the use of cohesive devices, ensuring even more seamless transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Additionally, while the essay is well-structured, it could benefit from slightly more complex sentence structures to further demonstrate cohesion and coherence.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
This essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracies. There are some errors in word choice and collocation. The essay provides reasonable coverage of the topic and adequately conveys the arguments for both punishment and reward methods. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and sentence structure, which affect the overall lexical resource.
How to improve:
- Work on using more varied vocabulary with greater accuracy. Strive for more precise word choices and collocations.
- Pay attention to sentence structure and coherence to make your writing flow more smoothly.
- Proofread carefully to eliminate spelling and word formation errors, as they can impact communication.
Overall, the essay presents its ideas effectively, but improvements in vocabulary range, word choice accuracy, and language fluency can help it achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which aligns with the Band 6 descriptor. There is an attempt to use a variety of sentence structures, but there are some errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay. However, these errors do not significantly reduce communication. The essay generally conveys its ideas clearly, and the use of vocabulary and language proficiency is reasonable.
How to improve: To move to a higher band score, the essay should aim for greater accuracy in grammar and punctuation. There are some sentences with awkward phrasing that could be improved for clarity and coherence. Additionally, the essay could benefit from more varied and sophisticated vocabulary. Expanding the range of sentence structures and ensuring that complex sentences are used effectively and accurately would also contribute to a higher score. Overall, more careful proofreading and revision for grammar and punctuation would be beneficial.
Bài sửa mẫu
Many people hold the belief that using punishment as a method to educate children is the most effective way to encourage them to exhibit better behavior, while others argue that rewarding them may yield better results. This essay will explore both perspectives before offering my own opinion.
On one hand, opting for punishments to educate children has several benefits that can help improve their behavior. One significant advantage is that punishment helps children remember their mistakes more effectively. This is possibly because children have not yet reached a certain level of maturity, which hinders their ability to distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate behaviors. Due to the generation gap and differences in mindset, mere words may not be convincing enough for children to comply with instructions from older individuals. Consequently, the use of punishment can achieve the desired effects, compelling children to refrain from misbehavior in the foreseeable future. For example, if a child is fond of eating candy, taking away the anticipated treat as a punishment can create a lasting memory of their mistake, motivating them to strive to become better-behaved individuals.
On the other hand, rewarding good behavior is considered a superior method for teaching children to behave appropriately. Firstly, when rewards are offered to children for making positive contributions to the community, they feel motivated. Moreover, rewards serve as specific goals, enhancing their competitiveness and encouraging them to exert more effort to achieve outstanding performance in order to receive a reward. Another point to consider is that children are naturally drawn to positive incentives, and providing them with rewards amplifies their enjoyment, making them fully engaged in training and activities that promote good behavior. Consequently, they develop into responsible citizens and gain increased self-esteem when interacting with their peers.
In my perspective, several positive effects stem from the use of punishment. Punishment helps children gain a clear understanding of what constitutes good and bad behavior, encouraging them to follow the guidance of older generations and fostering a more positive commitment to their lives. Additionally, because punishment is more stringent than other educational methods in deterring inappropriate behavior, it contributes to a more well-rounded development.
In conclusion, while rewards undoubtedly play a crucial role in shaping children into better individuals, I believe that punishment remains the most commonly employed method for teaching children.