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Some people think that studying in a college or a university is the only way for students to prepare for their future career. However, others think they should find a job after leaving school to develop their career path via practical experience. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some people think that studying in a college or a university is the only way for students to prepare for their future career. However, others think they should find a job after leaving school to develop their career path via practical experience.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

It is thought by some people that pursuing tertiary education is the only way to enhance career prospects. Nevertheless, others opine that only by practical experience can people develop their future career path. Whilst I agree that job seeking after school graduation is suitable for some people, I would argue that continuing college and university education is undeniably beneficial.
On the one hand, we cannot deny the advantages that higher education offers. The first significant one is that a university degree is the most valid and reliable option A case in point is that higher graduates in recent years have stood a greater likelihood of securing well-paid jobs in multinational companies and other institutions compared with those without higher education and training. Moreover, most Vietnamese universities and colleges have been developing their quality of training by sending their staffs abroad to reap the novelty in the global education system.
On the other hand, some argue that seeking employment after completing secondary education is a more cost-effective option than pursuing higher education. For example, low-income families in Vietnam, especially those in the countryside, generally find it unaffordable to spend an average of 200 million VND on their children’s university education. Additionally, despite its validity and reliability, a university degree nowadays puts excessive emphasis on academic knowledge and skills, which causes undergraduates to lack their social job skills. In contrast, starting a business such as make-up or street vending is not only inexpensive but also more helpful for school-leavers to gain practical skills for their career path.
All things considered, people have diverse viewpoints on whether to enter the workforce after graduation or pursue higher education. In this technological age, jobs can be easily controlled by automation, which reduces the possibility of blue-collar workers securing a job. Additionally, more high-profile employees are required to adapt to new trends in working with technology. Therefore, I personally think that continuing tertiary education for academic qualifications deserves better consideration.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "It is thought by some people" -> "Some individuals believe"
    Explanation: The phrase "It is thought by some people" is overly passive and less formal. Replacing it with "Some individuals believe" maintains formality and clarity in expressing opinions.

  2. "Nevertheless" -> "However"
    Explanation: "Nevertheless" is slightly less formal compared to "However" in an academic context. "However" fits better in transitioning between contrasting viewpoints.

  3. "Whilst" -> "While"
    Explanation: "Whilst" is slightly archaic and less commonly used in academic writing. "While" is a more standard term to denote contrast between ideas in a formal context.

  4. "On the one hand" -> "Firstly" or "To begin with"
    Explanation: While "On the one hand" is acceptable, using "Firstly" or "To begin with" in this context offers a more direct and structured way of introducing the first supporting point.

  5. "A case in point is that" -> "For instance"
    Explanation: "A case in point is that" is verbose. Replacing it with "For instance" maintains clarity and conciseness, which is preferable in academic writing.

  6. "stood a greater likelihood" -> "had a higher likelihood"
    Explanation: "Stood a greater likelihood" is slightly awkward. The replacement offers a clearer and more common phrasing without altering the meaning.

  7. "most Vietnamese universities and colleges have been developing their quality of training" -> "many Vietnamese universities and colleges have enhanced their educational standards"
    Explanation: The original phrase is a bit convoluted. Using "enhanced their educational standards" offers a clearer and more direct way of expressing the improvement in educational quality.

  8. "sending their staffs abroad to reap the novelty" -> "sending their staff abroad to acquire new knowledge"
    Explanation: "Reap the novelty" is an awkward phrase. Using "acquire new knowledge" maintains the meaning in a more straightforward manner.

  9. "some argue" -> "some argue that"
    Explanation: Adding "that" after "some argue" clarifies the structure and connects the introductory phrase more smoothly with the following explanation.

  10. "unaffordable" -> "financially burdensome"
    Explanation: "Unaffordable" is less formal in this context. "Financially burdensome" is a more academic way to express the high cost families face in sending their children to university.

  11. "puts excessive emphasis on academic knowledge and skills" -> "places excessive emphasis on theoretical knowledge and skills"
    Explanation: The substitution offers a more precise description in an academic tone, specifying the focus on theoretical rather than practical skills.

  12. "All things considered" -> "In conclusion" or "To conclude"
    Explanation: "All things considered" is slightly informal for an academic conclusion. Using "In conclusion" or "To conclude" signals a more traditional and appropriate ending to the argument.

  13. "I personally think" -> "I believe" or "In my opinion"
    Explanation: "I personally think" adds unnecessary emphasis. "I believe" or "In my opinion" are more direct and commonly used in academic writing for expressing personal viewpoints.

  14. "deserves better consideration" -> "merits further consideration"
    Explanation: "Deserves better consideration" is somewhat colloquial. "Merits further consideration" maintains formality and clarity in expressing the significance of the argument.

These revisions aim to enhance the essay’s formality, clarity, and alignment with academic writing conventions by replacing informal or awkward phrases with more appropriate and refined alternatives.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "Whilst I agree that job seeking after school graduation is suitable for some people, I would argue that continuing college and university education is undeniably beneficial."

    • Explanation and Improvement suggestion: The writer has successfully presented their position in the introduction, expressing agreement with job-seeking after school but advocating for continuing education. However, the introduction lacks a brief preview of the main ideas to be discussed in the essay. Including a sentence summarizing the key points would enhance the essay’s coherence and guide the reader. For instance, the writer could mention discussing the advantages of higher education and the practicality of entering the workforce early.
    • Improved example: "Whilst I agree that job seeking after school graduation is suitable for some people, I would argue that continuing college and university education is undeniably beneficial. In this essay, I will elaborate on the advantages of higher education and discuss the practicality of entering the workforce early."
  2. Quoted text: "The first significant one is that a university degree is the most valid and reliable option A case in point is that higher graduates in recent years have stood a greater likelihood of securing well-paid jobs in multinational companies and other institutions compared with those without higher education and training."

    • Explanation and Improvement suggestion: The idea presented is valid, but the expression is a bit convoluted. The writer should aim for clarity and conciseness in conveying their points. For instance, breaking down this sentence into two could enhance readability. Additionally, providing a specific example or anecdote would add weight to the argument.
    • Improved example: "A university degree stands out as a reliable option. For instance, recent higher graduates have demonstrated a higher likelihood of securing well-paid positions in multinational companies and other institutions."
  3. Quoted text: "Despite its validity and reliability, a university degree nowadays puts excessive emphasis on academic knowledge and skills, which causes undergraduates to lack their social job skills."

    • Explanation and Improvement suggestion: This point is well-made, but it could benefit from further development. Providing examples of how academic emphasis hampers the development of social job skills would strengthen the argument. Additionally, the language can be refined for more precision.
    • Improved example: "Despite its validity, contemporary university degrees tend to overly focus on academic knowledge, leaving graduates deficient in crucial social job skills. For instance, practical experiences such as internships or part-time jobs are essential for developing effective communication and teamwork abilities."

Overall, the essay presents a clear position and includes relevant ideas, but improvements in organization, clarity, and the depth of examples would contribute to a more effective and convincing argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas, with clear progression throughout. The writer uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. There is a clear central topic within each paragraph, and paragraphing is used sufficiently and appropriately.

How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion further, consider ensuring that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay. Additionally, pay attention to transitions between sentences to ensure that the flow is smooth and there is a logical relationship between ideas. A more thorough exploration of counterarguments and a stronger conclusion could contribute to a more comprehensive and nuanced discussion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score: 8.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a wide range of vocabulary, with fluent and flexible use to convey precise meanings. The writer skillfully incorporates uncommon lexical items, contributing to the sophistication of the language. There are only occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, with rare errors in spelling and word formation.

How to improve: While the essay excels in vocabulary, a slight improvement can be made by minimizing the occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. A careful proofreading can help eliminate the rare errors in spelling and word formation, ensuring an even higher level of lexical precision.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good control of grammar and punctuation with a variety of complex structures. The use of transitional phrases such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" adds coherence. There is a range of sentence structures, including complex sentences. The majority of sentences are error-free, but there are a few instances where clarity is slightly affected, such as in the sentence "which reduces the possibility of blue-collar workers securing a job." Overall, the essay maintains a formal and appropriate tone.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, it is recommended to pay close attention to sentence clarity. In some instances, sentence structure could be simplified for clearer communication. Additionally, thorough proofreading can help eliminate minor errors that, although infrequent, may affect the overall fluency of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals believe that enrolling in college or university is the sole method for students to prepare for their future careers. Conversely, others argue that securing a job after leaving school is essential for developing their career path through practical experience. While I acknowledge that job hunting after school graduation is suitable for some, I maintain that ongoing college and university education is undeniably advantageous.

On one hand, the advantages of higher education cannot be ignored. One significant benefit is that a university degree stands as the most valid and reliable option. For instance, recent graduates with higher education have a higher likelihood of securing well-paid positions in multinational companies and other institutions compared to those without such education and training. Furthermore, Vietnamese universities and colleges are enhancing the quality of their education by sending their staff abroad to gain insights from the global education system.

On the other hand, some argue that seeking employment after completing secondary education is a more cost-effective option than pursuing higher education. For example, low-income families in Vietnam, particularly those in rural areas, often find it financially challenging to invest an average of 200 million VND in their children’s university education. Additionally, despite its validity and reliability, a university degree nowadays places excessive emphasis on academic knowledge and skills, causing undergraduates to lack essential social job skills. In contrast, initiating a business, such as makeup or street vending, is not only cost-effective but also more beneficial for school-leavers to acquire practical skills for their career path.

Taking all factors into account, there are diverse viewpoints on whether to enter the workforce after graduation or pursue higher education. In this era of technology, jobs can be easily automated, reducing the opportunities for blue-collar workers. Moreover, high-profile employees are increasingly required to adapt to new trends in working with technology. Therefore, I personally believe that continuing tertiary education for academic qualifications warrants careful consideration in light of these evolving trends.

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