Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think
that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some individuals claim that when it comes to the factors that can decide success in life, hard work and determination play crucial roles. In contrast, others believe that financial conditions or external appearance may even contribute more to the chance of becoming successful. Although both views hold merit, I agree more with the former perspective.

On the one hand, I am of opinion that some essential elements, such as money and appearance, can contribute significantly to the success of people in life. Although there are multiple opportunities to make money through investment, most channels often require an already existing financial resource, which is not accessible to most people. If a person is fortunately financially capable, they can utilize many investment opportunities, making them richer and leading them to more successes in life. When a person has an attractive appearance, they can gather more attention from other people around them, granting them more opportunities that would not be easily accessible. For instance, during a job interview that involves multiple candidates, the one that has an aesthetically pleasing outlook could be memorized better by the employer and eventually receive the job.

On the other hand, there are some reasons that explain why determination and hard work can contribute significantly to the success of people in life. Success in life may come in different shapes or forms, but it primarily requires a person to be a stand-out individual in their work environment. In order to do so, a person must possess academic knowledge or years of working experiences. As both journeys require intensive effort, which can lead to multiple failures, without a strong will and a determination to work hard, success would not be achieved.

In conclusion, although I acknowledge that money and personal appearance significantly contribute to people’s success, I would argue that the role of being hard working and persistent is far more crucial.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Some individuals claim" -> "Some scholars argue"
   Explanation: Replacing "individuals claim" with "scholars argue" elevates the formality and specificity of the statement, aligning it better with academic discourse.

2. "hard work and determination play crucial roles" -> "hard work and determination play pivotal roles"
   Explanation: "Pivotal" is a more precise term than "crucial" in this context, emphasizing the critical importance of hard work and determination in achieving success.

3. "I am of opinion" -> "I believe"
   Explanation: "I am of opinion" is a somewhat archaic and verbose expression. "I believe" is more direct and commonly used in academic writing.

4. "can contribute significantly to the success of people in life" -> "significantly contribute to individual success"
   Explanation: Simplifying "the success of people in life" to "individual success" removes redundancy and enhances clarity.

5. "If a person is fortunately financially capable" -> "If an individual is financially capable"
   Explanation: Removing "fortunately" avoids the emotional connotation and maintains a neutral, formal tone.

6. "making them richer and leading them to more successes in life" -> "enhancing their wealth and leading to further success"
   Explanation: "Enhancing their wealth" is more precise and formal than "making them richer," and "further success" avoids the redundancy of "more successes."

7. "When a person has an attractive appearance" -> "When an individual possesses an attractive appearance"
   Explanation: "Possesses" is more formal and precise than "has" in this context, and "individual" is preferred over "person" for a more academic tone.

8. "they can gather more attention" -> "they may attract more attention"
   Explanation: "May attract" is more academically appropriate than "can gather," which is less formal and slightly vague.

9. "granting them more opportunities" -> "affording them more opportunities"
   Explanation: "Affording" is a more precise verb in this context, indicating the provision of opportunities due to the attractive appearance.

10. "the one that has an aesthetically pleasing outlook" -> "the individual with an aesthetically pleasing appearance"
    Explanation: "Individual" is more formal than "one," and "appearance" is more specific than "outlook."

11. "Success in life may come in different shapes or forms" -> "Success can manifest in various forms"
    Explanation: "Manifest" is a more formal and precise term than "come in different shapes or forms," which is somewhat colloquial.

12. "a person must possess academic knowledge or years of working experiences" -> "an individual must possess academic knowledge or extensive work experience"
    Explanation: "Extensive work experience" is a more formal and precise term than "years of working experiences," and "an individual" is preferred over "a person" for academic writing.

13. "which can lead to multiple failures" -> "which may result in multiple failures"
    Explanation: "May result in" is more formal and less definitive than "can lead to," which is slightly less precise in an academic context.

14. "without a strong will and a determination to work hard" -> "without a strong resolve and determination to work diligently"
    Explanation: "Resolve" and "diligently" are more formal and precise than "will" and "work hard," enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument regarding the factors contributing to success in life. The author presents the viewpoint that money and appearance are significant, followed by a discussion on the importance of hard work and determination. The essay clearly delineates these perspectives, providing relevant examples to support each side. For instance, the example of a job interview highlights how appearance can influence success, while the discussion on the necessity of hard work underscores its value.
  • How to improve: To enhance the completeness of the response, the author could include more nuanced examples or statistics that illustrate the impact of hard work and determination in various fields, such as entrepreneurship or academia. Additionally, a more explicit comparison of the two viewpoints in the conclusion could strengthen the overall argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The author maintains a clear position that favors hard work and determination over money and appearance. This stance is articulated in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion. However, while the essay presents both views, the transition between discussing the two perspectives could be smoother to reinforce the author’s position more effectively.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, the author could use transitional phrases that explicitly connect the discussion of the two viewpoints back to their own opinion. For example, after presenting the arguments for money and appearance, the author could explicitly state how these factors are overshadowed by the importance of hard work in the subsequent paragraph.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The use of examples, such as the job interview scenario, effectively supports the claims made. However, some points could benefit from further elaboration. For instance, the discussion on how hard work leads to success could include examples of well-known figures who achieved success through perseverance.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the author should aim to provide more detailed examples or case studies that illustrate the impact of hard work and determination. This could involve referencing specific individuals or research findings that highlight the correlation between effort and success.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, addressing the prompt directly and discussing both sides of the argument. The author does not deviate from the main question, which is commendable. However, there are moments where the language could be more precise to avoid ambiguity, particularly in the phrasing of certain sentences.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and clarity, the author should review their sentences for precision and conciseness. For example, simplifying complex phrases or breaking down longer sentences can help ensure that the main ideas are communicated effectively without losing the reader’s attention. Additionally, ensuring that each point directly ties back to the central question will reinforce the essay’s relevance.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs discussing opposing views, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and each body paragraph addresses a specific viewpoint. However, the transition between the two perspectives could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "On the one hand" is appropriately used, but the subsequent paragraph could benefit from a more explicit contrast, such as "Conversely" or "On the other hand," to enhance clarity.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer transitional phrases that signal shifts in perspective. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, which will help guide the reader through your argument more effectively.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for coherence. Each paragraph is focused on a distinct aspect of the argument. However, the second body paragraph could be more balanced in its development. While it discusses hard work and determination, it lacks specific examples that could strengthen the argument, similar to how the first paragraph includes examples related to money and appearance.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph effectiveness, ensure that each paragraph not only introduces a viewpoint but also supports it with specific examples or evidence. This will create a more compelling argument and provide a clearer understanding of your stance.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "although," "in contrast," and "for instance," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the flow could be enhanced. For example, the use of "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" is effective, but varying these phrases could add depth to the writing.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "moreover," "in addition," and "however." This will not only improve the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to avoid repetition and maintain cohesion throughout the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, there are areas for improvement. Focusing on clearer transitions, balanced paragraph development, and a broader range of cohesive devices will enhance the overall effectiveness of the argument and potentially raise the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "crucial roles," "financial conditions," and "aesthetically pleasing outlook." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat basic and lacks variety in expression. For instance, phrases like "contribute significantly" and "success of people in life" are repeated and could be enhanced with synonyms or more sophisticated alternatives.
  • How to improve: To elevate the lexical range, the writer should incorporate more varied vocabulary and expressions. For example, instead of repeating "contribute significantly," alternatives like "play a pivotal role" or "have a substantial impact" could be used. Additionally, using idiomatic expressions or more advanced adjectives could enrich the essay’s language.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "aesthetically pleasing outlook" could be more precisely stated as "professional appearance" or "polished image," which would better convey the intended meaning in a job interview context. Additionally, the phrase "the one that has an aesthetically pleasing outlook could be memorized better" is awkward and could be misinterpreted.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended meaning. This can be achieved by revising sentences for clarity and ensuring that word choices align with the context. Engaging in exercises that focus on synonyms and context-appropriate vocabulary can also be beneficial.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no glaring errors that detract from the overall readability. However, there are minor issues, such as the phrase "I am of opinion," which is not incorrect but is less common than "I believe" or "In my opinion." While this does not directly relate to spelling, it reflects a need for more natural phrasing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy and overall writing quality, the writer should engage in regular practice with spelling exercises and proofreading techniques. Reading extensively can also help reinforce correct spelling and familiarize the writer with common phrases and idiomatic expressions that improve fluency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and natural phrasing will help elevate the lexical resource score. Engaging in targeted vocabulary exercises and seeking feedback on word choice can further enhance the quality of future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of conditional clauses in "If a person is fortunately financially capable, they can utilize many investment opportunities" showcases an effective complex structure. However, there are instances where sentence variety could be improved. The phrase "can contribute significantly to the success of people in life" is somewhat repetitive and could benefit from rephrasing to enhance variety.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For instance, instead of repeatedly starting sentences with "a person," try using participial phrases or adverbial clauses, such as "Having a strong work ethic often leads to greater success." Additionally, using inversion or more complex relative clauses can add sophistication to your writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. For instance, the phrase "I am of opinion" is awkward; the more common expression is "I am of the opinion." There are also some punctuation issues, such as the lack of commas in complex sentences, which can lead to confusion. For example, "Although there are multiple opportunities to make money through investment, most channels often require an already existing financial resource" could benefit from clearer punctuation to separate clauses effectively.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on common phrases and idiomatic expressions in English. Practice using transitional phrases correctly, and ensure that punctuation is used to clarify sentence structure. For example, review the rules for using commas in complex sentences and practice identifying where they are necessary to avoid run-on sentences or comma splices. Additionally, proofreading for common errors can help catch awkward phrasing before finalizing your essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, you can work towards achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals claim that when it comes to the factors that can determine success in life, hard work and determination play pivotal roles. In contrast, others believe that financial conditions or external appearance may contribute even more to the chances of becoming successful. Although both views hold merit, I believe more strongly in the former perspective.

On the one hand, I am of the opinion that certain essential elements, such as money and appearance, can significantly contribute to individual success. Although there are multiple opportunities to make money through investment, most channels often require an already existing financial resource, which is not accessible to many people. If an individual is financially capable, they can utilize numerous investment opportunities, enhancing their wealth and leading to further success in life. When an individual possesses an attractive appearance, they may attract more attention from those around them, affording them more opportunities that would not be easily accessible. For instance, during a job interview with multiple candidates, the individual with an aesthetically pleasing appearance could be remembered better by the employer and eventually receive the job.

On the other hand, there are compelling reasons that explain why determination and hard work can significantly contribute to success. Success can manifest in various forms, but it primarily requires a person to stand out in their work environment. In order to do so, an individual must possess academic knowledge or extensive work experience. As both journeys require intensive effort, which may result in multiple failures, without a strong resolve and determination to work diligently, success would not be achieved.

In conclusion, although I acknowledge that money and personal appearance significantly contribute to people’s success, I would argue that the role of hard work and persistence is far more crucial.