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Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crime. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crime. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In contemporary society, crime is a serious problem that all countries are trying to deal with, people have different views on how crime should be punished. A part of the society believe that longer sentence is an effective way to deter crimes, while others think there are better ways to reduce crime. In my opinion, there are some ways that can prevent crime such as focusing on educating or creating employment opportunities for people.

To begin with, criminals need an appropriate sentence for their crimes and extending time in prison is one of the ways. Firstly, if the government gives a strong and effective punishment to the perpetrators then they will think about stopping and complying with the law. Secondly, creating a higher sentence and longer prison time may help them change their minds about perpetrating a crime.

Also, implementing strict sentences will reduce the crime rate in society. For instance, according to a Google survey, the rate of criminals thinking about having a better life outside prison is very high, they are aware of their illegal actions.

On the other hand, some people believe that it would be better to focus on building a civilized society instead of punishment. If the government detains a prisoner for too long, it can cost a lot of money, such as food or facilities.

Instead, these funds can be used to invest in social development or education. For example, in some countries like Japan and Korea, if a person commits a crime, depending on whether it is serious or not, the police will have them do community service from three months to half a year.

From my perspective, better methods should be devised in which perpetrators are taught, and equipped with skills, knowledge and resources to become a better people. Education is one of the most powerful and effective forms of crime. Maybe they commit crimes because they don't know what they're doing is wrong or they had a childhood where no one cared about nurturing them, which led them to break the law. As a result, if the government can support these people with education and children who are in need, society will later reduce crime rates.

In conclusion, although increasing prison sentences is often seen as an effective solution to the problem of high crime rates, instead use the simplest crime prevention methods such as education.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "people have different views on how crime should be punished" -> "individuals hold varying perspectives on the appropriate measures for addressing crime"
    Explanation: Replacing "people have different views on how crime should be punished" with "individuals hold varying perspectives on the appropriate measures for addressing crime" offers a more formal and precise expression.

  2. "A part of the society believe" -> "A segment of society believes"
    Explanation: Changing "A part of the society believe" to "A segment of society believes" corrects subject-verb agreement and sounds more formal.

  3. "there are some ways that can prevent crime" -> "there are several strategies that can deter criminal activity"
    Explanation: The revision replaces "there are some ways that can prevent crime" with "there are several strategies that can deter criminal activity" to enhance formality and clarity.

  4. "To begin with, criminals need an appropriate sentence for their crimes" -> "Firstly, offenders require appropriate penalties for their actions"
    Explanation: Substituting "To begin with, criminals need an appropriate sentence for their crimes" with "Firstly, offenders require appropriate penalties for their actions" improves the academic tone and avoids redundancy.

  5. "extending time in prison is one of the ways" -> "imposing longer prison sentences is one approach"
    Explanation: The change from "extending time in prison is one of the ways" to "imposing longer prison sentences is one approach" maintains the formality of the text.

  6. "government gives a strong and effective punishment to the perpetrators" -> "the government administers robust and effective punishments to wrongdoers"
    Explanation: Replacing "government gives a strong and effective punishment to the perpetrators" with "the government administers robust and effective punishments to wrongdoers" employs more sophisticated vocabulary and adheres to academic style.

  7. "creating a higher sentence and longer prison time may help them change their minds" -> "imposing lengthier sentences may contribute to their reconsideration"
    Explanation: The revised phrase, "imposing lengthier sentences may contribute to their reconsideration," maintains academic formality while improving clarity and conciseness.

  8. "implementing strict sentences will reduce the crime rate in society" -> "enforcing stringent sentences can lead to a decline in the overall crime rate within society"
    Explanation: Substituting "implementing strict sentences will reduce the crime rate in society" with "enforcing stringent sentences can lead to a decline in the overall crime rate within society" enhances the formal and precise language.

  9. "According to a Google survey" -> "According to a survey conducted by Google"
    Explanation: The change from "According to a Google survey" to "According to a survey conducted by Google" maintains academic formality and proper attribution.

  10. "better methods should be devised in which perpetrators are taught, and equipped with skills, knowledge and resources to become a better people." -> "more effective approaches should be developed to educate and equip offenders with the necessary skills, knowledge, and resources for personal growth."
    Explanation: The revision improves the sentence by replacing "better methods should be devised in which perpetrators are taught, and equipped with skills, knowledge and resources to become a better people" with a more formal and precise alternative.

  11. "Education is one of the most powerful and effective forms of crime." -> "Education stands as one of the most powerful and effective means of addressing criminal behavior."
    Explanation: The modified sentence, "Education stands as one of the most powerful and effective means of addressing criminal behavior," uses a more appropriate phrase while maintaining academic style.

  12. "if the government can support these people with education and children who are in need, society will later reduce crime rates." -> "If the government can provide support through education for individuals, including children in need, society can potentially see a decrease in crime rates in the future."
    Explanation: This revision clarifies the statement and adheres to formal language by replacing "if the government can support these people with education and children who are in need, society will later reduce crime rates" with a more structured and precise alternative.

  13. "although increasing prison sentences is often seen as an effective solution to the problem of high crime rates, instead use the simplest crime prevention methods such as education." -> "While extending prison sentences is frequently perceived as an effective solution to high crime rates, a more straightforward approach involves utilizing prevention methods, such as education."
    Explanation: The revised sentence is more academically structured and precise, providing a clearer contrast between two approaches.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay provides a comprehensive response to the prompt by discussing both perspectives on reducing crime (longer prison sentences vs. alternative methods) and presenting the author’s opinion. It addresses all parts of the question effectively.

    • How to improve: To further enhance this aspect, the author could consider providing a brief outline of the essay in the introduction to explicitly state their intention to discuss both viewpoints and present their own opinion. This would make the essay’s structure even clearer to the reader.

  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout. The author clearly supports the idea of focusing on alternative methods, particularly education and social development, to reduce crime. This position is evident in the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.

    • How to improve: No significant improvements are needed in this regard.

  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents, extends, and supports its ideas effectively. It provides reasons and examples to support the viewpoint that alternative methods are better for reducing crime. For instance, the essay mentions the cost of longer prison sentences and provides examples from countries like Japan and Korea where community service is used as an alternative approach.

    • How to improve: The essay could benefit from incorporating even more real-world examples or statistics to bolster its argument further. This would provide a stronger foundation for the ideas presented.

  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic and maintains its focus on the discussion of whether longer prison sentences or alternative methods are better for reducing crime. It does not deviate from this central theme.

    • How to improve: No specific improvements are needed regarding staying on topic.

Overall, this essay is well-structured and effectively addresses the task response criteria. It provides a clear position, supports its ideas with relevant examples, and stays on topic. To enhance the essay, the author could consider adding more real-world data to further strengthen their arguments.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically. It begins with a clear introduction, presents arguments for both sides of the issue in separate paragraphs, and concludes with a concise summary of the author’s opinion. However, the introduction could be more specific, and the transition between the second and third paragraphs could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider providing a more focused thesis statement in the introduction to clearly outline the essay’s direction. Additionally, work on transitioning smoothly between paragraphs to create a more seamless flow of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, each focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. However, the structure of some paragraphs could be improved. For example, the second paragraph discusses the idea of longer prison sentences as a deterrent, but it also touches on changing criminal minds. These could be split into separate paragraphs for better clarity.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and supports that idea with relevant evidence and examples. Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones to improve readability and coherence.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases like "To begin with," and "On the other hand." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying and enhancing their use. Additionally, the connection between ideas within paragraphs could be strengthened for better cohesion.
    • How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used (e.g., furthermore, moreover, in contrast) to improve the flow between sentences and ideas. Focus on creating a stronger connection between sentences within paragraphs by using pronouns and synonyms effectively.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. To improve, work on providing a more specific introduction, refining paragraph structure for better clarity, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices to create a more cohesive and logically organized essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary. It uses a variety of words and phrases to convey ideas and discuss the topic. For instance, it uses words like "perpetrators," "civilized society," "detains," "invest in social development," "equipped with skills," "nurturing," and "crime prevention methods."
    • How to improve: To further improve the range of vocabulary, the essay could incorporate more advanced vocabulary and synonyms for frequently used words. It’s important to maintain clarity and coherence while using varied vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are a few instances of imprecise word choices. For example, in the sentence, "creating a higher sentence and longer prison time may help them change their minds about perpetrating a crime," the word "creating" seems out of place, and "perpetrating" could be replaced with a simpler term like "committing."
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, the essay should focus on selecting words that accurately convey the intended meaning without unnecessary complexity. Revising sentences for clarity can also improve precision.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some spelling errors, such as "detains" instead of "detain," "complying" instead of "comply," and "simplest" instead of "simple." These errors do not significantly hinder understanding, but they should be addressed for a higher score.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, it’s essential for the writer to proofread their work carefully. Using spell-check tools and seeking feedback from others can also be helpful in identifying and correcting spelling errors.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonably good level of lexical resource. To further enhance the score in this criterion, the writer should continue to expand their vocabulary, use words precisely, and pay closer attention to spelling accuracy. This would lead to a more polished and effective essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay primarily relies on simple sentence structures, with limited variation in sentence length and complexity. It frequently starts sentences with conjunctions like "Firstly," and "Secondly," which can become repetitive. The essay lacks complex sentences, conditional structures, or rhetorical devices that could enhance variety and sophistication.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the author should incorporate complex sentences, conditional clauses, and rhetorical techniques. Varying the length and style of sentences would make the writing more engaging and academically appealing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, "people have different views on how crime should be punished" should be revised to "people hold different views on the punishment of crime." There is also inconsistent comma usage, such as "A part of the society believe that longer sentence is an effective way" where "believe" should be "believes" to match the singular subject "a part."
    • How to improve: The author should review grammar rules and practice sentence structure. Proofreading the essay for common grammatical mistakes, such as subject-verb agreement and correct article usage, would help enhance accuracy. Additionally, improving punctuation skills, particularly comma usage, is essential to clarify and structure sentences properly. It’s crucial to refer back to grammar and punctuation rules when revising the essay.

Overall, while the essay provides a clear perspective and addresses the prompt, it can significantly benefit from greater sentence structure variety and improved grammatical accuracy. Implementing these suggestions will enhance the essay’s overall quality and potentially lead to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, crime poses a significant challenge that all nations strive to address, and individuals hold varying perspectives on the appropriate measures for addressing crime. A segment of society believes that imposing longer prison sentences is one approach to deter criminal activity effectively. They argue that when the government administers robust and effective punishments to wrongdoers, it may contribute to their reconsideration of criminal behavior. Enforcing stringent sentences can lead to a decline in the overall crime rate within society.

On the other hand, some argue that there are several strategies that can deter criminal activity more effectively, and these do not necessarily involve longer prison sentences. According to a survey conducted by Google, the rate of criminals contemplating a better life outside prison is high, indicating their awareness of the consequences of their illegal actions. Instead of investing in lengthy imprisonments, it is suggested that resources could be better utilized for social development and education. For instance, in countries like Japan and Korea, individuals who commit crimes may be required to perform community service for a specified duration, depending on the severity of their offenses.

From my perspective, it is imperative to explore more constructive approaches to address criminal behavior. Education stands as one of the most powerful and effective means of addressing criminal behavior. Offenders may engage in criminal activities due to a lack of awareness or nurturing during their upbringing. If the government can provide support through education for individuals, including children in need, society can potentially see a decrease in crime rates in the future.

In conclusion, while extending prison sentences is frequently perceived as an effective solution to high crime rates, a more straightforward approach involves utilizing prevention methods, such as education. By equipping offenders with the necessary skills, knowledge, and resources for personal growth, society can make significant strides in reducing crime.

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