Some people think that the main purpose of school is to turn children into good citizens and workers, rather than to benefit children as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Since the second half of the last century, there has been a switch from a traditional manufacturing economy to a knowledge economy. The discussion has been centered on whether schools should equip children with adequate social norms and expertise. This conclusion is cursory and should be reviewed in today’s society, where personal talents are valued.

At the outset, there is no denying that turning children into good citizens and workers can benefit society. Firstly, children trained to be skilled individuals are in a more preponderant position than those who are not. As schools provide children with values like responsibility, discipline, and cooperation, children can engage easily in social activities and have an accurate image of the real world, which is full of potential pitfalls. Added to this, many schools teach skills that are directly applicable to the job market for children such as literacy, numeracy, and time management skills. As a result, children can hone their adaptability and be more flexible to social demands. Secondly, setting up ground conventions and moral rules for children prevents them from social vices and shapes law-abiding citizens.

Nevertheless, overemphasis on shaping children into efficient workers can take a heavy toll on their characteristics. To commence with, schools should make room for students to develop their talents and make their own decisions freely. Focusing only on turning children into good citizens and workers can curb their freedom and self-determination, thus schools should navigate their student's potentials and aid children in developing their unique identities. Moreover, the range of subjects taught at school should be widened to cultivate love and curiosity in children. If schools only teach job-related subjects, children could get bored promptly and suffer from emotional scarcity. Therefore, becoming an efficient individual requires beyond academics, children's emotional and psychological development are of paramount importance in determining their life satisfaction and performance at school.

In conclusion, there should be a balance between guiding children to be skilled individuals and allowing them to develop talents and personal growth.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"switch from a traditional manufacturing economy to a knowledge economy" -> "transition from a traditional manufacturing economy to a knowledge-based economy"
Explanation: The term "knowledge economy" is more precise and commonly used in academic contexts to describe economies that rely heavily on knowledge and information. "Knowledge-based economy" clarifies the nature of the shift more accurately.
"equip children with adequate social norms and expertise" -> "provide children with appropriate social norms and expertise"
Explanation: "Equip" can be replaced with "provide" to maintain a more formal tone and to better align with the context of education, where "provide" is more commonly used.
"cursory conclusion" -> "hasty conclusion"
Explanation: "Cursory" typically refers to a superficial or brief examination, which is not the intended meaning here. "Hasty" better conveys the idea of a conclusion reached too quickly without sufficient consideration.
"personal talents are valued" -> "individual talents are valued"
Explanation: "Personal" can be vague and informal in this context. "Individual" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.
"in a more preponderant position" -> "in a more advantageous position"
Explanation: "Preponderant" is less commonly used and can be confusing in this context. "Advantageous" is straightforward and widely understood in academic discussions about comparative advantages.
"engage easily in social activities" -> "participate readily in social activities"
Explanation: "Engage" can be vague and informal; "participate" is more specific and formal, suitable for academic writing.
"have an accurate image of the real world" -> "develop a realistic understanding of the world"
Explanation: "Accurate image" is less precise and slightly informal. "Realistic understanding" is more academically appropriate and clearly conveys the intended meaning.
"full of potential pitfalls" -> "replete with potential pitfalls"
Explanation: "Full of" is somewhat informal and vague. "Replete with" is a more formal expression that enhances the academic tone.
"setting up ground conventions and moral rules" -> "establishing fundamental conventions and moral principles"
Explanation: "Setting up" is informal and imprecise. "Establishing" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing, and "fundamental" and "principles" are more precise terms.
"social vices" -> "antisocial behaviors"
Explanation: "Social vices" is an uncommon and potentially unclear term. "Antisocial behaviors" is a more precise and widely recognized academic term.
"curb their freedom and self-determination" -> "restrict their autonomy and self-determination"
Explanation: "Curb" can be seen as informal and slightly negative. "Restrict" is neutral and more formal, fitting the academic style.
"navigate their student’s potentials" -> "identify and nurture their students’ potential"
Explanation: "Navigate" is not typically used in this context. "Identify and nurture" is more specific and appropriate for discussing educational strategies.
"emotional and psychological development are of paramount importance" -> "emotional and psychological development are paramount"
Explanation: The phrase "are of paramount importance" is redundant. Simplifying it to "are paramount" maintains the emphasis and enhances the formal tone.
"beyond academics" -> "beyond academic achievement"
Explanation: "Beyond academics" is vague and informal. "Beyond academic achievement" specifies the context and is more precise.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both perspectives: the importance of schools in shaping good citizens and workers, and the need for individual development. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs provide arguments for both sides. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit statement of the writer’s position regarding the extent of agreement or disagreement, as it currently leans towards a balanced view without clearly stating a preference.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly articulate their stance in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. For example, stating "I partially agree" or "I strongly disagree" would clarify their position. Additionally, ensuring that each part of the question is directly addressed in the body paragraphs would strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position but lacks consistency in expressing the writer’s viewpoint. While it acknowledges the importance of both sides, the lack of a definitive stance can confuse readers about the writer’s true perspective. Phrases such as "there should be a balance" suggest ambivalence rather than a strong agreement or disagreement.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer should choose a side and consistently support that viewpoint throughout the essay. Using phrases like "I believe" or "In my opinion" can help signal the writer’s stance more effectively. Additionally, reinforcing this position with strong concluding statements in each paragraph can help maintain clarity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several valid points, such as the benefits of teaching social norms and the importance of individual development. However, some ideas could be more thoroughly developed. For instance, the argument about emotional and psychological development is introduced but not fully explored with examples or evidence, which weakens its impact.
- How to improve: To strengthen the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should provide specific examples or evidence for each claim. For instance, citing studies on the benefits of emotional intelligence in education or providing anecdotal evidence of successful individuals who thrived due to a balanced educational approach could enhance the argument. Additionally, expanding on key points with further explanation would provide depth.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the role of schools in shaping citizens versus individual development. However, some sections could be more focused. For example, the discussion about emotional scarcity, while relevant, could be more directly tied to the main argument about the purpose of education.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the prompt. This can be achieved by linking each argument back to the central question of whether schools should prioritize citizenship and work readiness over individual development. Using topic sentences that clearly relate to the prompt can help guide the reader through the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improvements in clarity of position, depth of support, and focus on the prompt will enhance the overall effectiveness and coherence of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument with a logical progression of ideas. The introduction effectively sets the context and outlines the debate regarding the role of schools. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, with the first two paragraphs focusing on the benefits of schools shaping good citizens and workers, while the third paragraph discusses the drawbacks of this approach. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother; for instance, the shift from discussing the benefits to the drawbacks feels abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas between paragraphs. For example, phrases like "On the other hand," or "Conversely," can help signal a shift in perspective. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, guiding the reader through the argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into distinct paragraphs, each addressing a specific point related to the prompt. The first two paragraphs effectively outline the benefits of schools focusing on citizenship and employability, while the third paragraph critiques this approach. However, the conclusion could be more robust, as it merely summarizes the points without reinforcing the argument or providing a final perspective.
- How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by reiterating the main argument and emphasizing the importance of balance in education. Consider adding a sentence that reflects on the implications of this balance for future educational policies or practices. This would not only provide closure but also enhance the overall impact of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "Nevertheless," which help to organize the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "Added to this" could be replaced with a more conventional transition like "Furthermore" or "In addition," which would enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "Moreover," "In contrast," and "Consequently." Additionally, consider using pronouns and synonyms to avoid repetition and improve the flow of ideas. For instance, instead of repeating "children," you could use "they" or "students" in subsequent sentences to maintain coherence while varying the language.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to a stronger overall argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "knowledge economy," "social norms," and "moral rules." However, the vocabulary used is often repetitive, particularly in phrases like "good citizens and workers," which appears multiple times. This limits the essay’s lexical variety and can detract from the overall quality of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "good citizens and workers," alternatives like "responsible members of society" or "productive individuals" could be employed. Additionally, introducing more advanced vocabulary related to education and personal development would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "children trained to be skilled individuals" is somewhat vague; it could be interpreted in various ways. Furthermore, the term "preponderant position" is not commonly used in this context and may confuse readers.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should choose vocabulary that clearly conveys the intended meaning. For example, instead of "preponderant position," phrases like "advantageous position" or "better prepared" would be clearer. Additionally, ensuring that terms are contextually appropriate will help convey ideas more effectively.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with only minor errors such as "navigate their student’s potentials," where "student’s" should be pluralized to "students’" to indicate possession correctly. This suggests that the writer has a good grasp of spelling but may need to pay closer attention to grammatical nuances.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, focusing on common grammatical structures and pluralization rules. Utilizing spell-check tools and practicing writing exercises that emphasize spelling and grammar can also be beneficial. Additionally, reading widely can help reinforce correct spelling and usage in context.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will help elevate the Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For example, complex sentences such as "As schools provide children with values like responsibility, discipline, and cooperation, children can engage easily in social activities and have an accurate image of the real world, which is full of potential pitfalls" effectively convey multiple ideas within a single sentence. Additionally, the use of transitional phrases like "At the outset" and "Nevertheless" helps to structure the argument logically. However, while the range is impressive, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way ideas are introduced (e.g., "Firstly," "Secondly," "To commence with").
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For instance, instead of consistently using "Firstly" or "Secondly," you could use phrases like "To illustrate," "In addition," or "Conversely." Additionally, integrating more compound-complex sentences could further enrich the essay’s complexity and engagement.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. For example, the phrase "the range of subjects taught at school should be widened to cultivate love and curiosity in children" is grammatically correct and effectively communicates the idea. However, there are some awkward constructions, such as "children trained to be skilled individuals are in a more preponderant position than those who are not," which could be simplified for clarity. Punctuation is generally well-handled, but there are a few places where commas could enhance readability, such as before "thus" in "thus schools should navigate their student’s potentials."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on simplifying complex phrases where possible to enhance clarity. For example, consider rephrasing "children trained to be skilled individuals are in a more preponderant position than those who are not" to "skilled individuals have an advantage over their peers." Additionally, review punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, to ensure clarity and flow.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, meriting a band score of 8. By diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision, the essay could achieve even greater clarity and sophistication.

Bài sửa mẫu

Since the second half of the last century, there has been a transition from a traditional manufacturing economy to a knowledge-based economy. The discussion has centered on whether schools should provide children with appropriate social norms and expertise. This conclusion is somewhat hasty and warrants reconsideration in today’s society, where individual talents are increasingly valued.

At the outset, it is undeniable that turning children into good citizens and workers can benefit society. Firstly, children trained to be skilled individuals are in a more advantageous position than those who are not. As schools instill values such as responsibility, discipline, and cooperation, children can participate readily in social activities and develop a realistic understanding of the world, which is replete with potential pitfalls. Additionally, many schools teach skills that are directly applicable to the job market, such as literacy, numeracy, and time management. Consequently, children can hone their adaptability and become more flexible in responding to social demands. Secondly, establishing fundamental conventions and moral principles for children helps prevent antisocial behaviors and shapes law-abiding citizens.

Nevertheless, an overemphasis on shaping children into efficient workers can take a heavy toll on their individuality. To begin with, schools should create space for students to identify and nurture their potential and make their own decisions freely. Focusing solely on turning children into good citizens and workers can restrict their autonomy and self-determination; thus, schools should support their students in developing unique identities. Moreover, the range of subjects taught at school should be broadened to cultivate love and curiosity in children. If schools only teach job-related subjects, children may become bored quickly and experience emotional scarcity. Therefore, becoming an efficient individual requires more than just academic achievement; children’s emotional and psychological development are paramount in determining their life satisfaction and performance at school.

In conclusion, there should be a balance between guiding children to be skilled individuals and allowing them to develop their talents and personal growth.