Some people think that with the increasing use of mobile phones and computers, people lose the ability to communicate face to face. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

 In the digital age, that we catch sight of people whose heads are only buried in their phones and computers without directly connecting with others has gradually become familiar. While some people believe those hi-tech items hurt their conversational skills, others don’t. My essay will shed light on the reasons why I completely agree with the statement.

 First and foremost, when people spend most of their time on electrical devices and it is the development of technology that keeps everything updated on social media every second, they will be easily interrupted and swept away. As a result, this causes a decrease in the frequency of face-to-face communication and puts their social skills life at risk. Gradually, hi-tech addicts are no longer in the mood to openly talk to their friends about hot news or ask their parents for any solutions to a problem since the Internet is good at doing the same thing.

 Apart from that, overusing phones and computers is among the leading culprits making people, especially the young sit in front of the screen for long hours rather than encouraging them to participate in collective activities. Consequently, this not only jeopardizes people’s health but also reduces their attendance in in-person communication. The more users stick to their modern equipment for a long period, the more limited the opportunity to have direct interaction with others will become. For example, it is clearly shown that a person with very little appearance on social networks is proven more energetic and confident in most of his speech than those who tend to do the opposite.

 To sum up, despite the undeniable benefits and convenience of hi-tech items in our daily lives, people are unaware that their face-to-face connection is being threatened due to the rising exposure to phones and computers. Therefore, it is a must to know how to allocate time reasonably to electronic devices and take advantage of them scientifically.

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Errors and Improvements:

"catch sight of people whose heads are only buried" -> "observe individuals engrossed"
Explanation: "Catch sight of" is somewhat colloquial and lacks the precision expected in academic writing. "Engrossed" offers a more formal and descriptive alternative.
"those hi-tech items hurt their conversational skills" -> "the use of such high-tech devices impairs their conversational abilities"
Explanation: "Hi-tech items" is a bit informal for academic writing. "Impairs" is a more precise and formal term than "hurt," and "conversational abilities" is a more academically suitable phrase than "conversational skills."
"completely agree with the statement" -> "fully support the assertion"
Explanation: "Completely agree with" is somewhat informal. "Fully support the assertion" maintains the formal tone and provides a stronger expression of agreement.
"First and foremost" -> "Primarily"
Explanation: "First and foremost" is a bit informal. "Primarily" is a suitable alternative that maintains the academic tone.
"electrical devices" -> "electronic devices"
Explanation: "Electrical devices" is not incorrect, but "electronic devices" is more commonly used in academic contexts.
"it is the development of technology that keeps everything updated on social media every second" -> "technological advancements that continuously update social media content"
Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat convoluted and informal. The suggested alternative is clearer and more formal.
"they will be easily interrupted and swept away" -> "they are prone to frequent distractions and interruptions"
Explanation: "Easily interrupted and swept away" is a bit informal. "Prone to frequent distractions and interruptions" provides a more precise and formal description.
"As a result, this causes a decrease" -> "Consequently, this leads to a decrease"
Explanation: "As a result, this causes" is redundant. "Consequently" is a more concise transition, and "leads to a decrease" is a clearer and more formal phrase.
"puts their social skills life at risk" -> "endangers their social skills"
Explanation: "Social skills life" is awkward and informal. "Endangers their social skills" is a clearer and more formal expression.
"openly talk" -> "engage in open conversation"
Explanation: "Openly talk" is slightly informal. "Engage in open conversation" is more formal and descriptive.
"hot news" -> "current events"
Explanation: "Hot news" is informal. "Current events" is a more formal and precise term.
"overusing phones and computers is among the leading culprits making people" -> "excessive use of phones and computers is a primary factor contributing to"
Explanation: "Overusing" is somewhat informal. "Excessive use" is more formal. "Leading culprits" is colloquial; "primary factor contributing to" is more formal and precise.
"sit in front of the screen for long hours" -> "spend prolonged periods in front of screens"
Explanation: "Sit in front of the screen for long hours" is slightly informal. "Spend prolonged periods in front of screens" is more formal and descriptive.
"participate in collective activities" -> "engage in communal activities"
Explanation: "Participate in collective activities" is a bit informal. "Engage in communal activities" is a more formal and precise phrase.
"the young" -> "young individuals"
Explanation: "The young" is somewhat informal. "Young individuals" is a more formal and precise term.
"jeopardizes people’s health" -> "poses risks to people’s health"
Explanation: "Jeopardizes" is slightly informal. "Poses risks to" is more formal and precise.
"reduces their attendance in in-person communication" -> "diminishes their participation in face-to-face communication"
Explanation: "Reduces their attendance in in-person communication" is awkward and somewhat informal. "Diminishes their participation in face-to-face communication" is clearer and more formal.
"limited the opportunity to have direct interaction with others will become" -> "the opportunities for direct interaction with others will be limited"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly structured. The suggested alternative is clearer and more concise.
"a person with very little appearance on social networks" -> "an individual with minimal presence on social media platforms"
Explanation: "Very little appearance on social networks" is somewhat informal. "Minimal presence on social media platforms" is more formal and precise.
"proven more energetic and confident in most of his speech than those who tend to do the opposite" -> "demonstrated to be more energetic and confident in speech than individuals who engage less in online activities"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and somewhat informal. The suggested alternative is clearer and more formal.
"To sum up" -> "In conclusion"
Explanation: "To sum up" is slightly informal. "In conclusion" is a more formal phrase to signal the end of the essay.
"unaware that their face-to-face connection is being threatened" -> "unaware of the threat posed to their face-to-face connections"
Explanation: "Face-to-face connection is being threatened" is somewhat informal and passive. "Unaware of the threat posed to their face-to-face connections" is more formal and active.
"rising exposure to phones and computers" -> "increasing exposure to mobile devices and computers"
Explanation: "Rising exposure to phones and computers" is slightly informal. "Increasing exposure to mobile devices and computers" is more formal and precise.
"Therefore, it is a must to know how to allocate time reasonably to electronic devices and take advantage of them scientifically" -> "Hence, it is imperative to manage time effectively when using electronic devices and utilize them judiciously"
Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat informal. The suggested alternative is more formal and precise in conveying the message of managing electronic device usage effectively.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear opinion on the impact of mobile phones and computers on face-to-face communication. It discusses both sides of the argument and supports the agreement with the statement.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure that each paragraph explicitly ties back to the prompt’s question. Provide more specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently arguing that increased use of mobile devices leads to a decline in face-to-face communication skills.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider structuring paragraphs around specific supporting points related to the main position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the impact of technology on communication skills and extends them with examples. However, some ideas could be further developed or linked more cohesively.
- How to improve: Develop each idea more thoroughly by providing specific examples, data, or real-life scenarios. Use transition words to create smoother connections between sentences and paragraphs.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the effects of technology on face-to-face communication. However, it occasionally veers into broader discussions about technology use without directly linking back to the communication aspect.
- How to improve: Maintain a tighter focus on the prompt by consistently tying discussions back to the impact on face-to-face communication skills.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a well-structured argument. To improve, focus on providing more detailed examples, maintaining a clear and consistent structure, and ensuring every point directly relates to the prompt’s question. Strengthening these aspects will enhance the overall coherence and depth of the essay, potentially raising the band score for Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at organizing information logically. It follows a traditional structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph addresses a different aspect of the argument, starting with the impact of technology on interrupting face-to-face communication, followed by the consequences of overusing electronic devices, and concluding with a summary of the argument. The progression of ideas is discernible, contributing to coherence.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider refining the transitions between paragraphs. Use transition phrases or sentences to smoothly guide the reader from one point to the next. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea to prevent confusion or overlap.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to separate different ideas and arguments. Each paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the topic, maintaining clarity and coherence. However, there are areas where paragraphing could be improved for better structuring. For instance, the second paragraph could be divided into two separate paragraphs to differentiate between the reasons for decreased face-to-face communication and the consequences of this phenomenon.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones to enhance readability and emphasize key points. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea, ensuring that the essay remains organized and cohesive.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and create coherence. Examples include transitional phrases like "First and foremost" and "Apart from that," which signal shifts between different arguments. Additionally, cohesive devices such as pronouns ("this," "they") and conjunctions ("since," "consequently") are used to establish relationships between sentences and paragraphs.
- How to improve: While cohesive devices are utilized, there is room for diversification and refinement. Introduce a broader range of cohesive devices, including synonyms, parallel structures, and transitional adverbs, to enrich the essay’s coherence further. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently and appropriately throughout the essay to strengthen connections between ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid foundation in coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 6. To improve further, focus on refining paragraph structure, enhancing transitions, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices for a more polished and cohesive presentation of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score forBand Score for LexBand Score for LexicalBand Score for Lexical ResourceBand Score for Lexical Resource:Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
–Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

**Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7