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Some people think that work is the most important thing in people’s life. Without the success of a career, life becomes meaningless. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that work is the most important thing in people’s life. Without the success of a career, life becomes meaningless. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is widely argued that the most crucial aspect of a person’s life is a distinguished career, which contributes to the meaning and satisfaction of individuals’ lives. From my perspective, I partly disagree with this notion as although the success of a career is important, other factors contribute significantly to a meaningful life.
Admittedly, a prosperous career plays a vital role in one’s life. Primarily, achievements in one’s career result in a variety of economic benefits. Specifically, stable jobs offer workers regular income, which would increase as workers perform well and get a promotion. Secondly, successful individuals in business are revered in society. Certainly, numerous citizens usually hope that they will achieve their goals successfully and attain success as their role models. In fact, individuals are willing to devote substantial costs to listening to experiences from the CEOs of Vietnamese well-known groups.
However, I maintain that there are more desirable goals than a successful career to attain in our lives. First and foremost, good health and well-being hold paramount importance. For instance, in countries like Japan, renowned for their robust global economic presence, individuals are often under a great deal of stress due to excessive workloads and extended working hours. Consequently, this nation holds a distressingly high suicide rate, indicating the toll excessive work can take on mental health. Furthermore, many individuals find contentment without actively engaging in the workforce. In Japan, for instance, traditional gender roles often see men as breadwinners while women manage household responsibilities, and many find fulfillment in this arrangement.
In conclusion, I believe that work is of great importance in our lives and contributes significantly to our personal growth and well-being, but it should not be considered as the sole determinant of life’s meaning. Notwithstanding, good health and contentment are also considerably pivotal in leading a fulfilling life.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "widely argued" -> "widely debated"
    Explanation: "Argued" might imply contention or disagreement more strongly than intended. "Debated" is a more neutral term commonly used in academic contexts to suggest a range of opinions without emphasizing conflict.

  2. "I partly disagree with this notion" -> "I partially disagree with this perspective"
    Explanation: "Partly" is slightly informal. "Partially" is a suitable synonym that maintains the intended meaning in a more formal manner.

  3. "achievements in one’s career result in a variety of economic benefits" -> "accomplishments in one’s career yield diverse economic advantages"
    Explanation: "Achievements" can be more colloquial, whereas "accomplishments" is slightly more formal. "Result" is replaced with "yield" for a more nuanced and formal expression.

  4. "stable jobs offer workers regular income" -> "stable employment provides consistent financial remuneration"
    Explanation: This adjustment substitutes "jobs" with "employment" for a more formal term. "Regular income" is refined to "consistent financial remuneration" for a more academically appropriate phrasing.

  5. "individuals are willing to devote substantial costs" -> "individuals are willing to invest significant resources"
    Explanation: "Devote substantial costs" might be unclear; "invest significant resources" conveys a clearer meaning in academic writing.

  6. "attain success as their role models" -> "achieve success akin to their role models"
    Explanation: "Attain success as their role models" could be rephrased more succinctly for clarity without altering the meaning significantly.

  7. "there are more desirable goals" -> "alternative goals are equally desirable"
    Explanation: This modification offers a clearer comparison between the desirability of different goals without implying hierarchy.

  8. "good health and well-being hold paramount importance" -> "good health and well-being are of paramount significance"
    Explanation: The adjustment maintains the emphasis while using a more formal structure, enhancing the academic tone.

  9. "individuals are often under a great deal of stress" -> "individuals frequently experience significant stress"
    Explanation: "Under a great deal of stress" can be replaced with a more formal expression without losing meaning.

  10. "distressingly high suicide rate" -> "alarmingly high suicide rate"
    Explanation: "Distressingly" has a slightly informal tone; "alarmingly" maintains the impact while being more suitable in formal writing.

  11. "many individuals find contentment" -> "many individuals find fulfillment"
    Explanation: "Contentment" is replaced with "fulfillment" for a slightly more formal term while preserving the intended meaning.

  12. "considered as the sole determinant" -> "regarded as the sole determinant"
    Explanation: "Considered as" can be replaced with "regarded as" to align more closely with academic style without altering the meaning.

  13. "considerably pivotal" -> "significantly pivotal"
    Explanation: "Considerably" is slightly less formal; "significantly" maintains the impact while suiting formal writing better.

The revisions aim to enhance the essay’s academic tone by replacing some informal expressions with more formal and appropriate alternatives, without altering the intended meaning or clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "It is widely argued that the most crucial aspect of a person’s life is a distinguished career, which contributes to the meaning and satisfaction of individuals’ lives. From my perspective, I partly disagree with this notion as although the success of a career is important, other factors contribute significantly to a meaningful life."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction successfully presents your perspective on the importance of a distinguished career, but it would benefit from a more explicit thesis statement. Clearly state whether you agree or disagree with the idea that work is the most crucial aspect of life. This will provide a stronger roadmap for your readers, enhancing the overall clarity of your essay.
    • Improved example: "While a distinguished career is undeniably crucial for personal satisfaction, I contend that it is not the sole determinant of a meaningful life. In this essay, I will explore the multifaceted aspects that contribute to life’s significance beyond professional success."
  2. Quoted text: "Primarily, achievements in one’s career result in a variety of economic benefits. Specifically, stable jobs offer workers regular income, which would increase as workers perform well and get a promotion. Secondly, successful individuals in business are revered in society."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your points about economic benefits and societal recognition are well-made. However, to enhance your argument, consider providing specific examples or personal anecdotes to illustrate these points. This will add a layer of authenticity and make your essay more persuasive.
    • Improved example: "Primarily, achievements in one’s career result in a variety of economic benefits. For instance, a stable job not only offers a regular income but can also provide financial security for future endeavors. I have personally experienced the positive impact of a promotion, witnessing a substantial increase in my earnings. Secondly, the societal reverence for successful individuals in business is evident in various ways, such as public recognition and admiration."
  3. Quoted text: "I maintain that there are more desirable goals than a successful career to attain in our lives. First and foremost, good health and well-being hold paramount importance."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While your emphasis on health and well-being is valid, consider further elaborating on why these goals are more desirable. Provide examples or anecdotes to highlight the impact of good health on overall life satisfaction. This will strengthen your argument and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
    • Improved example: "I maintain that there are more desirable goals than a successful career to attain in our lives. First and foremost, good health and well-being hold paramount importance. The profound impact of physical and mental well-being on our daily lives is evident in various aspects. For instance, individuals with robust health are more likely to engage actively in personal and professional pursuits, leading to a more fulfilling and satisfying life."

Overall, your essay demonstrates a clear position and provides relevant ideas. To elevate it to a higher band score, focus on enhancing the clarity of your thesis statement and enriching your argument with specific examples or personal experiences.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas, maintaining a clear progression throughout. The introduction clearly presents the writer’s perspective, and each paragraph follows a cohesive structure. The writer effectively uses cohesive devices to connect ideas within and between sentences, contributing to coherence. The central topic within each paragraph is well-defined, enhancing clarity.

However, there is a slight overuse of certain cohesive devices, and some sentences could benefit from varied structures to avoid repetition. Additionally, while the essay generally manages paragraphing well, there are instances where the logical flow could be improved. Despite these minor issues, the essay effectively communicates the writer’s viewpoint with a good level of coherence.

How to improve:

  1. Vary the use of cohesive devices to avoid repetition and enhance the overall fluency of the essay.
  2. Ensure that paragraph transitions are seamless and contribute to the overall logical flow.
  3. Consider incorporating a wider range of sentence structures to enhance variety and sophistication in expression.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow flexibility and precision in expressing ideas. The writer uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation, contributing to the overall fluency of the essay. There are occasional errors in word choice, but they do not significantly impede communication. The vocabulary used reflects a good grasp of the topic and effectively conveys the writer’s perspective on the importance of a career in life.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, consider incorporating a wider variety of sophisticated vocabulary to elevate the overall quality of expression. Additionally, pay attention to precise word choice to minimize occasional errors and enhance the accuracy of conveying ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score: 8.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a wide range of sentence structures with a high level of flexibility and accuracy. There is a good mix of simple and complex sentences, showcasing linguistic proficiency. The majority of sentences are error-free, and any errors that do occur are minor and can be considered as ‘slips.’ The essay effectively uses a variety of complex structures, contributing to the overall fluency and coherence.

How to improve: While the essay excels in grammatical range and accuracy, there is always room for improvement. To elevate the score further, the writer could focus on enhancing lexical variety by incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary. Additionally, a more nuanced exploration of opposing viewpoints could add depth to the argument and further showcase language proficiency. Overall, continuing to strive for precision and complexity in sentence structures will contribute to achieving the highest band scores.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is widespread belief that a person’s life hinges mainly on a successful career, shaping the meaning and satisfaction of their existence. From my perspective, I partly disagree with this notion as, although a successful career is important, there are other crucial factors contributing to a meaningful life.

Undoubtedly, a thriving career holds significant sway in one’s life. Firstly, career achievements bring forth various economic benefits. Specifically, stable jobs ensure a regular income, which escalates with improved performance and promotions. Additionally, successful individuals in business are esteemed in society. Indeed, many aspire to emulate their success and willingly invest in learning from the experiences of accomplished leaders, as seen in the Vietnamese community.

Nevertheless, I contend that there are loftier aspirations beyond a flourishing career in life. Foremost among these is good health and well-being. For instance, in countries like Japan, recognized for their global economic influence, people often grapple with substantial stress due to overwork and extended hours. This strain contributes to alarmingly high suicide rates, revealing the toll excessive work can take on mental health. Furthermore, many find contentment outside active workforce participation. In Japan, traditional gender roles assign men as breadwinners and women as household managers, with many finding fulfillment in these roles.

In conclusion, I believe work holds immense importance in personal growth and well-being, yet it should not be deemed the sole determinant of life’s meaning. Instead, good health and contentment are equally pivotal in leading a fulfilling life.

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