Some people think that work is the most important thing of people’s life. Without the success of career, life becomes meaningless. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
As a person must devote at least half of his or her life to working, the the majority now believes that a job is a crucial factor in life. I disagree with the statement and argue that a job is not the most vital aspect of people’s life and life would still be worthy without a successful career.
Firstly, career success is not the most crucial because other factors are equally vital to people’s life fulfillment. Health is an important component of people’s life satisfaction as it allows people to pursue personal interests or aspirations, whereas those suffering from diseases are forced to stick to their beds and unable to develop their career or enjoy life. For example, Steve Jobs, despite his reputation and success in technology, he died young regretting not fulfilling all of his dreams. Additionally, a healthy relationship is a vital element of a pleasant life since it may share their sadness, help and support in difficult times. In this case, good memories can be created and make people feel loved and respected which can achieve a fulfilling life with healthy relationships.
Secondly, life fulfillment can still be achieved without an outstanding career. For instance, artists are people who seek enjoyment from immersing themselves in their imagination world and expressing their perspectives through works of art; therefore, they can feel happy when pursuing their passion for art despite not earning a lot of money. Another example, many volunteers are rewarded when helping other people. Although volunteering is a non-profit activity and does not bring success to them, they still choose to do this work since it can give them a sense of satisfaction when contributing to society and providing assistance to the needy.
In conclusion, I personally believe that ways to seek life fulfillment vary from one person to another due to different mindsets, so career success is far from being the most important aspect of life. Therefore, other elements such as health and healthy relationship can play a crucial role in people’s life satisfaction even without any glorious career.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"the the majority now believes" -> "the majority now believes"
Explanation: Removing the duplicated "the" improves the sentence’s structure and maintains its clarity.
"career success is not the most crucial because other factors are equally vital to people’s life fulfillment" -> "career success is not paramount as other factors equally contribute to life fulfillment"
Explanation: Replacing "most crucial" with "paramount" and rephrasing the sentence provides a more nuanced and formal expression of the idea without losing clarity.
"For example, Steve Jobs, despite his reputation and success in technology, he died young regretting not fulfilling all of his dreams." -> "For instance, Steve Jobs, despite his technological reputation and success, passed away at a young age with regrets about unfulfilled aspirations."
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence clarifies the point and emphasizes the regret regarding unfulfilled aspirations rather than solely focusing on technology.
"since it may share their sadness" -> "as it allows sharing of their sadness"
Explanation: Rearranging the phrase improves clarity by specifying how healthy relationships facilitate the sharing of emotions.
"In this case, good memories can be created and make people feel loved and respected which can achieve a fulfilling life with healthy relationships." -> "In such instances, the creation of cherished memories fosters feelings of love and respect, contributing to a fulfilling life through healthy relationships."
Explanation: Enhancing the sentence with more descriptive language and a clearer structure emphasizes the importance of cherished memories in fostering fulfilling relationships.
"life fulfillment can still be achieved without an outstanding career" -> "life fulfillment remains attainable without a distinguished career"
Explanation: Using "remains attainable" and "distinguished" elevates the language without altering the intended meaning.
"immersion themselves in their imagination world" -> "immersing themselves in their imaginative world"
Explanation: Correcting the phrase to "imaginative world" improves its coherence and maintains a formal tone.
"Although volunteering is a non-profit activity and does not bring success to them" -> "While volunteering is non-profitable and does not yield personal success"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to be more concise and formal while maintaining the original meaning.
"ways to seek life fulfillment vary from one person to another due to different mindsets" -> "approaches to seeking life fulfillment vary due to individual mindsets"
Explanation: Rearranging and using "approaches" instead of "ways" enhances the formality and precision of the statement.
"Therefore, other elements such as health and healthy relationship can play a crucial role" -> "Thus, other elements such as health and healthy relationships play a pivotal role"
Explanation: "Play a pivotal role" is a more formal and precise phrase to convey importance in this context.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay provides a comprehensive response to the prompt by addressing both sides of the argument. The introduction sets up the disagreement with the statement, and each body paragraph develops a distinct point of view. Relevant examples, such as Steve Jobs and the importance of health and relationships, are cited to support the argument.
- How to improve: While the essay effectively addresses all parts of the question, there could be a slight improvement in the clarity of the introduction. Consider explicitly stating that the essay will present reasons for disagreeing with the idea that work is the most important aspect of life.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. The introduction clearly states the disagreement, and each subsequent paragraph supports this stance. Transitions between paragraphs help in maintaining coherence.
- How to improve: The clarity of the position is commendable. However, to enhance it further, consider reinforcing the thesis in the conclusion by summarizing key arguments and reiterating the overall stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. Examples are provided to illustrate key points, such as the impact of health on life satisfaction and the fulfillment derived from artistic endeavors or volunteering. Each paragraph develops its argument coherently.
- How to improve: To further strengthen the essay, consider providing a bit more elaboration on the example of Steve Jobs. How, specifically, did his career success not contribute to his life satisfaction? More depth in analysis can enhance the overall argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic, consistently addressing the central theme of whether a successful career is the most important aspect of life. There are no significant deviations, and the examples provided directly relate to the argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each paragraph directly connects back to the prompt. While the examples are relevant, emphasizing their direct correlation to the prompt can strengthen the essay’s cohesiveness.
Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, effectively presents arguments, and provides relevant examples to support the position. Minor adjustments in the introduction and additional depth in analysis can further enhance the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a discernible structure with clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there are areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. The introduction effectively introduces the stance but lacks a clear thesis statement. The body paragraphs discuss separate aspects (health, relationships, alternative sources of fulfillment) supporting the argument. The essay does not have strong transitional phrases or a cohesive flow between paragraphs, which affects the overall coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, start with a clear thesis statement in the introduction, outlining the key points to be discussed. Use transitional phrases or sentences between paragraphs to create a smoother flow of ideas. Consider connecting ideas within and between paragraphs to create a more cohesive narrative.
- Detailed explanation: The essay comprises distinct paragraphs, each addressing a different supporting idea (health, relationships, alternative sources of fulfillment). However, paragraph structure within some sections could be strengthened. For instance, the second paragraph discussing health could benefit from clearer topic sentences and supporting details.
- How to improve: Aim for stronger topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph, summarizing the main point of the paragraph. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on one distinct idea and provides relevant supporting details to strengthen the argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices (e.g., "Firstly," "Secondly," "In conclusion"), aiding in organizing ideas. However, the essay lacks a variety of cohesive devices, relying heavily on sequential markers without incorporating other cohesive elements such as pronouns, synonyms, or parallel structures.
- How to improve: To enhance coherence, diversify the use of cohesive devices. Incorporate pronouns ("these," "those") to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, use synonyms or rephrasing to avoid repetition, and consider employing parallel structures or transitional phrases within and between sentences to strengthen the essay’s coherence.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and presents relevant arguments, enhancing coherence and cohesion through improved organization, paragraph structure, and varied cohesive devices will significantly strengthen the overall quality of the essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It incorporates terms related to the topic, such as "career success," "health," "relationships," "fulfillment," and "volunteers." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further. For instance, certain words and phrases are repeated, like "life fulfillment," and there’s a missed opportunity to introduce more specific and nuanced vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, consider incorporating synonyms and exploring more precise vocabulary related to the essay’s themes. For instance, instead of frequently using "life fulfillment," explore alternatives like "personal contentment," "satisfaction," or "well-being." Additionally, introduce domain-specific terms related to career success and life satisfaction.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances where word choice could be more precise. For example, in the opening sentence, "the majority now believes" could be refined to "a prevailing belief exists." Conversely, in the phrase "feel happy when pursuing their passion for art," the term "happy" might be enriched with more nuanced descriptors.
- How to improve: Focus on choosing words that precisely convey the intended meaning. In the opening sentence, consider alternatives like "prevailing opinion" or "common perception." For the expression of happiness, experiment with terms like "experience joy" or "derive satisfaction" to add depth and specificity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of typos, such as "the the" in the first sentence and the incorrect usage of "it may share their sadness" where "may" should be "they may." While these errors do not significantly impede understanding, they detract from the overall polished impression of the essay.
- How to improve: Prioritize careful proofreading to catch and rectify such minor spelling errors. Reading the essay aloud or having someone else review it can be effective in identifying and correcting these types of mistakes. Additionally, paying attention to word repetition during proofreading can help enhance overall language precision.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably varied range of sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are used effectively. However, there is room for improvement in sentence variety. The essay tends to rely on simple structures, and some sentences lack complexity, affecting the overall fluency and sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures such as compound-complex sentences. Introduce variety in sentence lengths and use rhetorical devices like parallelism or inversion for added flair. This will contribute to a more engaging and nuanced expression of ideas.
Use Grammar Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay displays a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy. There are, however, instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that slightly impact the clarity of communication. For instance, the repetition of "the" in the opening sentence ("the the majority") and a few minor subject-verb agreement issues.
- How to improve: Proofreading is essential to catch such errors. Focus on subject-verb agreement and eliminate unnecessary repetitions. Additionally, pay attention to article usage, as this is an area where some inaccuracies are present. Consider revising sentences for clarity and correctness.
Use Correct Punctuation:
- Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally accurate, but there are instances of comma splices and missing commas that affect the flow of the essay. For example, the sentence "Health is an important component of people’s life satisfaction as it allows people to pursue personal interests or aspirations, whereas those suffering from diseases are forced to stick to their beds and unable to develop their career or enjoy life" could benefit from clearer punctuation.
- How to improve: Work on mastering the use of commas, especially in complex sentences. Review rules for comma splices and ensure that commas are appropriately placed to guide the reader through the text. Consider using semicolons or dashes to vary punctuation and enhance overall readability.
By addressing these points, you can further elevate the grammatical range and accuracy of your writing, contributing to an even stronger essay. Keep practicing and refining your skills to consistently produce high-quality written work.
Bài sửa mẫu
As individuals invest a substantial portion of their lives in work, there’s a prevailing belief that a career is pivotal in life. I respectfully disagree with this assertion and contend that while work holds significance, it isn’t the sole essence of a fulfilling life.
Primarily, the assumption that career success reigns supreme overlooks other equally crucial facets of life satisfaction. Consider health—a fundamental component enabling individuals to pursue personal passions. Illness often confines individuals, hindering both career progression and the enjoyment of life. Steve Jobs, despite his technological renown, departed prematurely, lamenting unfulfilled aspirations. Furthermore, meaningful relationships, where one can share sorrow and receive support in adversity, contribute significantly to a rich life. Such bonds forge cherished memories, fostering love and respect, pivotal for a fulfilling life through nurturing relationships.
Moreover, life fulfillment doesn’t hinge solely on a distinguished career. Artists, for instance, derive joy from immersing themselves in their creative realms, expressing perspectives through art, finding contentment irrespective of financial gains. Similarly, volunteers find fulfillment in selflessly aiding others. Despite the absence of monetary rewards, the satisfaction derived from contributing to society and aiding the needy is immeasurable.
In conclusion, the pursuit of life fulfillment takes diverse paths owing to individual perspectives. Thus, while career success holds value, it falls short of being the paramount aspect of life. Instead, elements like health and nurturing relationships wield profound influence in crafting a satisfying life, independent of a glittering career.