Some people think that young people should spend free time with families instead of outside entertainment, others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Opinions are divided into whether youngsters should spend more spare time gathering with their families rather than playing outdoor activities. Although outside entertainment can bring some benefits to people one way or another, I adhere to the former viewpoint.
On the one hand, it is understandable that boys and girls prioritize going outside and playing with their friends. The driving force behind this trend is that they need to take a break from their busy schedule, which will be a huge opportunity to hang out with their close friends and create new relationships with people who share the same interests. For example, joining clubs and having regular meetings help youngsters meet like-minded people and act as a means of relaxation as well. This will indeed give them more energy for the next time.
On the other hand, it seems to me that more free time should be used for family gatherings because they will certainly feel a sense of belonging, which makes people happier, as proven. Young people could go to the amusement park, participating in a diverse variety of games ranging from the most thrilling to the least physical-demanding ones but at the end of the day, they can still feel rather bored because they are surrounded by strangers all the time. In this case, only families can provide them with profound connections by listening to their problems and sometimes giving useful advice on how to deal with such situations.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that youngsters should spend more time with their beloved families instead of taking part in outdoor activities.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"gathering with their families" -> "spending time with their families"
Explanation: "Gathering with" is a bit informal in an academic context. "Spending time with their families" is a more formal and appropriate phrase for discussing familial interaction.
"Although outside entertainment" -> "While outdoor activities"
Explanation: "Outside entertainment" is vague and informal. "Outdoor activities" is a more specific and suitable term for leisure pursuits conducted outside.
"I adhere to the former viewpoint" -> "I support the latter perspective"
Explanation: "Adhere to the former viewpoint" is an awkward expression in this context. "Support the latter perspective" clarifies the stance more effectively.
"boys and girls" -> "young individuals" or "juveniles"
Explanation: "Boys and girls" can be seen as somewhat juvenile language in an academic setting. "Young individuals" or "juveniles" provide a more neutral and formal tone.
"which will be a huge opportunity" -> "which can be a significant opportunity"
Explanation: "Will be a huge opportunity" sounds less precise and slightly informal. "Can be a significant opportunity" maintains formality and clarity.
"hang out" -> "socialize"
Explanation: "Hang out" is more colloquial; "socialize" is a more formal alternative that suits academic writing.
"create new relationships" -> "forge new relationships"
Explanation: "Create new relationships" is acceptable but using "forge new relationships" elevates the formality slightly without losing meaning.
"joining clubs and having regular meetings" -> "participating in clubs and attending regular meetings"
Explanation: Adding "participating in" and "attending" before "clubs" and "regular meetings" adds formality and precision.
"This will indeed give them more energy for the next time" -> "This can rejuvenate them for subsequent activities"
Explanation: The original phrase is slightly informal. "Can rejuvenate them for subsequent activities" maintains formality and clarity.
"it seems to me that" -> "in my view"
Explanation: "It seems to me that" is slightly informal for academic writing. "In my view" is a more formal alternative.
"should be used for family gatherings" -> "ought to be allocated to family gatherings"
Explanation: "Should be used for family gatherings" lacks precision. "Ought to be allocated to family gatherings" sounds more formal and precise.
"because they will certainly feel a sense of belonging, which makes people happier, as proven" -> "as it is known to foster a sense of belonging and enhance overall happiness"
Explanation: The original sentence is somewhat convoluted. The suggested alternative is clearer and more academic in tone.
"ranging from the most thrilling to the least physical-demanding ones" -> "spanning from exhilarating to less physically demanding activities"
Explanation: The suggested alternative is more concise and maintains a formal tone without altering the meaning.
"but at the end of the day" -> "however"
Explanation: "But at the end of the day" is idiomatic and informal. "However" serves the purpose of transitioning more formally between ideas.
"In this case" -> "Under these circumstances"
Explanation: "In this case" is slightly informal. "Under these circumstances" maintains formality and clarity.
"profound connections" -> "meaningful connections"
Explanation: "Profound connections" may sound slightly exaggerated in this context. "Meaningful connections" retains the essence in a more appropriate manner.
"listen to their problems and sometimes giving useful advice" -> "attend to their concerns and occasionally provide valuable guidance"
Explanation: "Listen to their problems and sometimes giving useful advice" can be refined for formality and precision.
"how to deal with such situations" -> "how to navigate such circumstances"
Explanation: "Deal with such situations" can be replaced with "navigate such circumstances" for a more sophisticated and formal tone.
"beloved families" -> "cherished families"
Explanation: "Beloved families" is slightly sentimental. "Cherished families" maintains warmth but in a more formal manner.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Quoted text: "Although outside entertainment can bring some benefits to people one way or another, I adhere to the former viewpoint."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your introduction successfully presents your opinion, but it lacks a clear preview of the main points you will discuss. Adding a sentence that outlines the reasons supporting your stance can enhance the overall structure of your essay.
- Improved example: "Although engaging in outdoor activities can offer various benefits, such as physical exercise and social interaction, I firmly believe that young people should prioritize spending their free time with family. In the following paragraphs, I will delve into the reasons supporting this viewpoint."
Quoted text: "The driving force behind this trend is that they need to take a break from their busy schedule, which will be a huge opportunity to hang out with their close friends and create new relationships with people who share the same interests."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your explanation is clear, but it lacks depth in terms of providing specific examples or personal experiences. To strengthen your argument, consider incorporating concrete instances or anecdotes from your own life or general knowledge.
- Improved example: "The driving force behind this trend is the necessity for a break from their hectic schedules. For instance, my younger sister often finds solace in playing outdoor games after long study sessions, allowing her to bond with friends and forge connections with those who share similar interests."
Quoted text: "In this case, only families can provide them with profound connections by listening to their problems and sometimes giving useful advice on how to deal with such situations."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your point is valid, but it could benefit from additional development. Elaborate on how family connections contribute significantly to emotional support, personal growth, and well-being. Providing specific examples or anecdotes would strengthen your argument.
- Improved example: "In this case, only families can provide them with profound connections, acting as a crucial source of emotional support. For instance, my own experience demonstrates that during challenging times, family discussions have not only alleviated my concerns but also offered valuable advice on how to navigate such situations."
Overall, while your essay addresses the task and presents a clear position, it would benefit from incorporating more specific examples and providing a concise preview of the main points in the introduction. This refinement will enhance the overall depth and persuasiveness of your essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay demonstrates a clear overall progression of ideas and logically organizes information. Each paragraph has a central topic, contributing to the overall coherence. The use of cohesive devices is effective, though there are instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion within sentences. Paragraphing is generally logical, but there is room for improvement.
The essay effectively presents both sides of the argument, providing examples and reasoning for each viewpoint. The introduction and conclusion contribute to the overall coherence by framing the discussion appropriately. However, there are instances where the connection between ideas within and between sentences could be smoother, affecting the overall cohesion.
How to improve:
Refine Cohesive Devices: Pay close attention to the use of cohesive devices within and between sentences. Ensure that the transition between ideas is smooth and does not impede the flow of the text. This will contribute to a more polished and cohesive essay.
Enhance Paragraphing Logic: While the essay generally uses logical paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph follows a clear structure and contributes cohesively to the overall argument. This could involve refining the topic sentences and ensuring a smooth transition between paragraphs.
Avoid Repetition: While the essay avoids excessive repetition, be cautious of repeating ideas or phrases. This can impact the overall cohesion and may make the essay less engaging. Strive for variety in expression.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion, with room for refinement in the areas mentioned above to elevate it to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary, employing some less common vocabulary items. The writer attempts to articulate ideas with varied lexical choices, showcasing an effort to convey meaning beyond basic vocabulary. However, there are instances of inaccuracy in word choice and collocation, which hinder fluency and precision. The essay occasionally employs less common lexical items but lacks consistency in their accurate usage. Spelling and word formation errors occur but do not significantly impede communication.
How to Improve:
To improve lexical resource, strive for greater precision and accuracy in word choice and collocation. Work on using less common vocabulary consistently and appropriately throughout the essay. Review and revise to minimize errors in spelling and word formation for enhanced clarity and communication. Expanding vocabulary range and refining usage will elevate the essay’s lexical sophistication.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical structures with a variety of complex sentences. Most sentences are error-free, and the control of grammar and punctuation is generally strong. However, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as the phrase "Opinions are divided into whether youngsters," where the preposition "into" is better replaced with "on" or "about." Additionally, the sentence "which makes people happier, as proven" could be improved by specifying the source of the proof.
How to improve: To elevate the score to Band 8, the writer should pay extra attention to minor errors, such as preposition usage, and provide more specific evidence or examples to support assertions. This will enhance the overall precision and clarity of the essay, contributing to a more sophisticated use of language.
Bài sửa mẫu
The question of whether young people should devote their leisure time to family gatherings rather than engaging in outdoor activities has sparked differing opinions. While participating in outside entertainment can offer certain advantages, I tend to support the notion of prioritizing family time.
On one hand, it is understandable that youngsters may opt to go outdoors and play with their friends. This inclination often stems from the need to take a break from their hectic schedules, providing them with a valuable opportunity to socialize with close friends and forge new connections with individuals who share similar interests. Joining clubs and attending regular meetings, for instance, enables youngsters to meet like-minded peers, offering a source of relaxation that replenishes their energy for subsequent endeavors.
On the other hand, I am inclined to believe that allocating more free time for family gatherings is crucial. Such gatherings foster a sense of belonging, contributing to overall happiness, as research has demonstrated. While young people may enjoy activities at an amusement park, participating in a range of games from the most thrilling to the least physically demanding, they may ultimately feel a sense of boredom, surrounded by strangers. In contrast, family gatherings provide profound connections, allowing family members to listen to their concerns and offer valuable advice on navigating various situations.
In conclusion, I firmly advocate for young people to spend more quality time with their beloved families rather than solely participating in outdoor activities. This choice not only enhances their sense of belonging and happiness but also strengthens the familial bonds that provide enduring support and guidance.