fbpx

Some people think the government should spend more money on public services rather than waste money on arts (i.e. music and painting). To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people think the government should spend more money on public services rather than waste money on arts (i.e. music and painting). To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In recent years, there has been a widespread belief that massive expenses should be invested in enhancing civil services instead of artworks. From my vantage point, although this school of thought is linked to some justifications, I advocate for its limitations to take precedence.
Admittedly, the emergence of public services is associated with certain benefits. Primarily, civil services, which are favored by the majority of the population, go hand-in-hand with individuals’ quality of life. For instance, the government should allocate funds to providing teaching equipment to the needy or ethnic minorities, facilitating them to engage in acquiring academic knowledge. This would lead to the situation where overall individual levels can be significantly improved. The second example of this is that large-scale investments should be diverted into the installation of some collective fitness amenities in public parks and places. Therefore, individuals would be enabled to participate in physical activities such as working out, fostering their well-being.
Notwithstanding such valid arguments, I am more inclined to the view that spending budget on artistic fields is not useless. To begin with, art significantly contributes to the development of economy. Take the movie industry as an exemplar, substantial revenue, which are generated owing to a plethora of blockbuster films being published, can lead to some economic advancements. Another point to consider is that artistic recreation plays a vital role in preserving cultural identity. In other words, countries’ historical and cultural value, which is highly dignified in paintings or literature, should be maintained.
In conclusion, while acknowledging that considerable resources should be allocated to public services, I am convinced that artistic spheres are also necessarily invested in.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "there has been a widespread belief" -> "there has been a prevailing belief"
    Explanation: Replacing "widespread" with "prevailing" elevates the formality of the language, offering a more nuanced expression of the dominant belief without losing clarity.

  2. "massive expenses should be invested" -> "substantial resources should be allocated"
    Explanation: Substituting "massive expenses should be invested" with "substantial resources should be allocated" maintains the emphasis on significant financial commitment while adopting a more formal and precise phrase.

  3. "From my vantage point" -> "In my perspective"
    Explanation: Replacing the informal "From my vantage point" with "In my perspective" maintains the author’s viewpoint while aligning with a more formal tone.

  4. "go hand-in-hand with individuals’ quality of life" -> "are integral to the quality of life for individuals"
    Explanation: Changing "go hand-in-hand with" to "are integral to" enhances formality and precision, emphasizing the essential connection between civil services and individuals’ quality of life.

  5. "For instance" -> "To illustrate"
    Explanation: Substituting "For instance" with "To illustrate" enhances the transitional phrase’s formality, providing a seamless shift to the subsequent examples.

  6. "the situation where overall individual levels can be significantly improved" -> "a scenario in which overall individual well-being can be substantially enhanced"
    Explanation: Replacing "the situation where" with "a scenario in which" and "levels" with "well-being" contributes to a more formal and specific description of the outcome.

  7. "large-scale investments should be diverted into the installation" -> "considerable investments should be allocated to the establishment"
    Explanation: Substituting "large-scale investments should be diverted into the installation" with "considerable investments should be allocated to the establishment" maintains the emphasis on significant financial commitment while using a more formal and precise phrasing.

  8. "Notwithstanding such valid arguments" -> "Despite these valid arguments"
    Explanation: Replacing "Notwithstanding" with "Despite" maintains the concessive tone while adopting a more formal term.

  9. "To begin with" -> "Firstly"
    Explanation: Substituting "To begin with" with "Firstly" maintains the sequential structure while using a more formal introductory phrase.

  10. "substantial revenue, which are generated" -> "substantial revenue, generated"
    Explanation: Removing the redundant "which are" streamlines the sentence, maintaining clarity and formality.

  11. "plethora of blockbuster films being published" -> "abundance of blockbuster films released"
    Explanation: Substituting "being published" with "released" and rephrasing "plethora" to "abundance" results in a more concise and formal expression.

  12. "countries’ historical and cultural value" -> "the historical and cultural values of nations"
    Explanation: Adjusting "countries’ historical and cultural value" to "the historical and cultural values of nations" enhances precision and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "From my vantage point, although this school of thought is linked to some justifications, I advocate for its limitations to take precedence."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction does establish your position, but it would benefit from a clearer and more direct expression of your agreement or disagreement with the statement. Provide a concise thesis statement to enhance clarity for the reader. For instance, "While I acknowledge some merits of investing in public services, I firmly advocate for prioritizing budget allocation to the arts."
    • Improved example: "While I acknowledge some merits of investing in public services, I firmly advocate for prioritizing budget allocation to the arts. Now, let me delve into the reasons supporting my stance."
  2. Quoted text: "Primarily, civil services, which are favored by the majority of the population, go hand-in-hand with individuals’ quality of life."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The argument in this paragraph is well-developed, but there is room for improvement in providing specific examples. Instead of a general statement, offer concrete examples related to public services that would enhance the quality of life, such as improved healthcare access or infrastructure development.
    • Improved example: "Primarily, civil services, such as enhanced healthcare accessibility or robust infrastructure development, are favored by the majority of the population, significantly improving individuals’ quality of life."
  3. Quoted text: "large-scale investments should be diverted into the installation of some collective fitness amenities in public parks and places."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The idea is good, but it lacks depth. Elaborate on how these fitness amenities contribute to the well-being of individuals and communities. Provide specific examples, such as the promotion of a healthy lifestyle or fostering community engagement.
    • Improved example: "large-scale investments should be diverted into the installation of collective fitness amenities in public parks, promoting a healthier lifestyle and fostering community engagement."
  4. Quoted text: "Notwithstanding such valid arguments, I am more inclined to the view that spending budget on artistic fields is not useless."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: This transition is abrupt. Provide a smoother transition by briefly summarizing the key points from the previous paragraph that support public services before introducing your counter-argument. For example, "While the arguments for public services are compelling, it’s essential to consider the significant impact of budget allocation to artistic fields."
    • Improved example: "While the arguments for public services are compelling, it’s essential to consider the significant impact of budget allocation to artistic fields. Now, let me elucidate why investing in the arts is not futile."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a clear position and adequately addresses the task. However, enhancing the examples provided and ensuring a smoother transition between paragraphs would elevate the depth and coherence of the argument, possibly pushing it into a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas, with a clear progression throughout. The introduction effectively introduces the topic, and each paragraph presents a clear central idea. The writer employs a range of cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases, to link ideas appropriately. However, there are instances of overuse, such as in the phrase "from my vantage point." The conclusion provides a concise summary of the main points.

How to improve:

  1. Cohesive Device Usage: While the essay generally uses cohesive devices well, there are instances of overuse. It would be beneficial to diversify transitional phrases to avoid repetition and enhance the overall coherence.
  2. Precision in Language: Some sentences could benefit from greater precision and clarity. For example, the phrase "large-scale investments should be diverted into the installation of some collective fitness amenities" could be more specific and directly related to public services.

Overall, maintaining a consistent and varied use of cohesive devices while refining language precision would elevate the coherence and cohesion of this essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items, and the writer shows awareness of style and collocation. The vocabulary used is generally appropriate to convey the ideas, and there are no major issues with word choice. However, there are occasional errors in word choice, such as "massive expenses" and "large-scale investments," which could be refined for more precision. The writer effectively conveys the ideas with a variety of vocabulary, but there is room for improvement in the accuracy of word choice.

How to Improve: To improve the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on refining word choices for more precision and accuracy. Instead of using terms like "massive expenses," consider more specific phrases like "significant funding." Additionally, attention to detail in word choice, ensuring each term aligns precisely with the intended meaning, will elevate the essay’s overall lexical quality. Proofreading for occasional errors and refining less common vocabulary usage will contribute to a more sophisticated lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation, with a variety of complex structures used throughout. The introduction and conclusion are well-constructed, employing a range of sentence forms. The body paragraphs effectively present arguments, showcasing a mix of simple and complex sentences. The use of vocabulary is generally appropriate, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. Although some minor errors are present, they do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve:
To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy further, consider paying attention to subject-verb agreement and ensuring consistency in verb tenses. Additionally, strive for precision in word choices to convey ideas with greater clarity. Proofreading for minor errors will help polish the essay, pushing it towards a higher band score. Overall, maintaining this level of complexity and addressing these minor issues will contribute to a more refined piece.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent times, there has been a widespread belief advocating for substantial investments in improving public services rather than channeling funds into the arts. From my perspective, while this viewpoint has some merits, I believe it’s essential to recognize its limitations.

Undoubtedly, the development of public services carries significant advantages. Firstly, these services, which are highly favored by the majority, notably impact individuals’ quality of life. For instance, the government ought to allocate funds to provide necessary educational resources to underprivileged communities or ethnic minorities, aiding their access to academic knowledge. This approach would result in substantial improvements in overall individual development. Additionally, directing substantial investments towards establishing communal fitness facilities in public spaces, like parks, is crucial. Such amenities enable people to engage in physical activities, contributing positively to their well-being.

Despite the validity of these arguments, I am inclined to emphasize the importance of budget allocation towards artistic fields. To start, art plays a pivotal role in contributing to the economy. Take the movie industry, for instance; the considerable revenue generated from blockbuster films contributes significantly to economic advancements. Furthermore, artistic expression plays a crucial role in preserving cultural identity. In essence, a country’s historical and cultural value, dignified in paintings or literature, must be maintained.

In conclusion, while acknowledging the necessity of allocating considerable resources to public services, I firmly believe that investing in artistic spheres is equally indispensable.

IELTS Writify

Chấm IELTS Writing Free x GPT