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some people think watching TV every day is bad for children. Others think it is good for developing children as they grow up. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

some people think watching TV every day is bad for children. Others think it is good for developing children as they grow up. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

In the dynamic landscape of modern society and advancing technology, the impact of television on children has become an extensively debated topic. While the prevailing (common) notion asserts that regular TV viewing is detrimental to children, I contend that this activity can significantly contribute to their development when approached judiciously.
Admittedly, there are compelling reasons why some believe that consistent screen exposure poses myriad negative consequences for children, particularly in terms of mental and physical well-being. A notable concern is the potential deterioration of health as youngsters, reaching school age, allocate substantial time to watching cartoons, game shows, and movies instead of taking breaks, getting adequate sleep, completing homework, or engaging in physical activities. This may lead to various health issues such as vision problems, sleep deprivation, immune system deficiencies, and more. However, this perspective lacks sound reasoning as it overlooks the potential mitigating impact of effective time management for TV consumption, which can eliminate these adverse effects and usher in numerous benefits from educational programs.
Notwithstanding the aforementioned arguments, I am inclined to the belief that technology, especially television, holds paramount significance in human life. One of the most compelling reasons for this assertion is that TV exposure broadens children's perspectives on both national and global events. The provision of up-to-date information enables the younger generation to develop a profound understanding of life, fostering self-knowledge and a clear awareness of their surroundings. Additionally, television programs offer insights into various areas that are not typically covered in formal education, such as essential life skills and soft skills. Consequently, children cultivate critical thinking and problem-solving abilities, enabling them to make informed decisions in their later stages of life.
In conclusion, having examined both sides of the argument, it is undeniable that the positive influences of television programming outweigh the negative ones when children judiciously leverage the advantages it offers


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "While the prevailing (common) notion asserts that regular TV viewing is detrimental to children…" -> "While the predominant view posits that regular TV viewing is detrimental to children…"
    Explanation: Replacing "prevailing (common) notion" with "predominant view" maintains formality and precision, avoiding redundancy in the use of "common" with "notion."

  2. "…substantial time to watching cartoons, game shows, and movies instead of taking breaks…" -> "…substantial time watching cartoons, game shows, and movies rather than taking breaks…"
    Explanation: Removing the unnecessary preposition "to" after "time" and replacing "instead of" with "rather than" streamlines the sentence and enhances its formal tone.

  3. "This may lead to various health issues such as vision problems, sleep deprivation, immune system deficiencies, and more." -> "This may result in various health issues, including vision problems, sleep deprivation, immune system deficiencies, and more."
    Explanation: Replacing "lead to" with "result in" provides a more precise expression, and using "including" instead of "such as" maintains a formal tone.

  4. "…overlooks the potential mitigating impact of effective time management for TV consumption…" -> "…overlooks the potential mitigating effects of judicious time management for TV consumption…"
    Explanation: Substituting "impact" with "effects" and enhancing "time management" with "judicious" contributes to a more refined and formal vocabulary.

  5. "One of the most compelling reasons for this assertion is that TV exposure broadens children’s perspectives on both national and global events." -> "A compelling rationale for this assertion is that TV exposure broadens children’s perspectives on both national and global events."
    Explanation: Changing "reasons" to "rationale" and rephrasing the sentence structure improve the formality and clarity of the statement.

  6. "…enables the younger generation to develop a profound understanding of life, fostering self-knowledge and a clear awareness of their surroundings." -> "…enables the younger generation to cultivate a profound understanding of life, fostering self-awareness and a clear understanding of their surroundings."
    Explanation: Substituting "develop" with "cultivate," replacing "self-knowledge" with "self-awareness," and refining the latter part of the sentence contribute to a more academically suitable expression.

  7. "Consequently, children cultivate critical thinking and problem-solving abilities, enabling them to make informed decisions in their later stages of life." -> "Consequently, children develop critical thinking and problem-solving abilities, enabling them to make informed decisions in their later stages of life."
    Explanation: Changing "cultivate" to "develop" enhances precision, and the adjustment in phrasing provides a more academically appropriate expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay comprehensively addresses both perspectives on the impact of television on children, presenting arguments for and against daily TV viewing. The author gives their own opinion in the conclusion, providing a balanced response to all aspects of the prompt. For instance, the essay discusses the potential negative consequences of excessive TV exposure and counters these arguments with the benefits of effective time management for TV consumption.
    • How to improve: While the essay addresses all parts of the question, it would benefit from more specific examples or evidence to support the argument that effective time management can mitigate the negative effects of TV exposure. Providing concrete instances or studies would strengthen the essay’s overall persuasiveness.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The author maintains a clear and consistent position throughout the essay, stating their belief in the positive impact of television on children. The thesis is evident in the introduction and is reinforced throughout the body paragraphs, leading to a conclusive reaffirmation in the conclusion.
    • How to improve: No major improvements are needed in terms of clarity and consistency. However, the essay could enhance its impact by reiterating the main position in each body paragraph, reinforcing the stance and making it more memorable for the reader.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas, develops them logically, and supports them with relevant examples. The discussion on the potential negative consequences of excessive TV viewing is well-elaborated, and the counterarguments advocating for the positive aspects of television are adequately developed.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the essay, consider expanding on the practical implementation of effective time management for TV consumption. Providing specific strategies or examples could strengthen the argument and make the essay more compelling.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay consistently stays on topic, addressing the prompt’s core elements throughout. There are no significant deviations, and each paragraph contributes to the overall discussion of the impact of TV on children.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each example or argument directly relates to the impact of television on children. Avoid introducing tangential ideas that may distract the reader from the main topic.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, effectively addresses all aspects of the question, and maintains a clear and consistent position. To improve, the author should consider providing more specific examples, reinforcing the main position in each body paragraph, expanding on practical implementation, and ensuring that every point directly relates to the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable level of logical organization. It follows a clear structure with an introduction presenting both sides of the argument, followed by two body paragraphs elaborating on each viewpoint, and concludes with a concise summary. Each paragraph is focused and supports the main ideas effectively. Transition phrases like "Admittedly," "Notwithstanding," and "In conclusion" are used, aiding the coherence of ideas.
    • How to improve: While the overall structure is well-organized, enhancing the coherence can be achieved by strengthening the link between paragraphs. Utilizing transitional phrases within paragraphs to connect ideas and maintain a smooth flow throughout the essay would further enhance logical progression.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is appropriately divided into paragraphs, each addressing a distinct aspect of the argument. The introduction succinctly introduces the topic, while the subsequent body paragraphs explore different viewpoints with coherent supporting details and examples. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from a clearer topic sentence to emphasize the positive impacts of television on children.
    • How to improve: Consider refining the topic sentence in the second body paragraph to explicitly introduce the benefits of television viewing, making it more aligned with the focus on positive impacts.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs cohesive devices to link ideas and enhance coherence. Transition phrases like "Admittedly," "Notwithstanding," and "In conclusion" aid in signaling shifts between contrasting viewpoints and concluding thoughts. Furthermore, the use of cohesive devices within paragraphs, such as "Additionally," helps connect supporting ideas.
    • How to improve: While the essay incorporates cohesive devices, diversifying the range of such connectors could further enrich the coherence. Experiment with a broader spectrum of transitional phrases and connectors to create a more nuanced and sophisticated flow between ideas.

Overall, the essay presents a well-structured argument, maintaining coherence and cohesion throughout. Strengthening the inter-paragraph connections, refining topic sentences, and diversifying cohesive devices could elevate the essay’s coherence and cohesion, potentially pushing the score higher within the band 7 criteria.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary. Various words and phrases, such as "dynamic landscape," "prevailing notion," "myriad negative consequences," and "paramount significance," contribute to the lexical diversity. However, there is room for improvement in incorporating more sophisticated and contextually relevant vocabulary.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating domain-specific terminology or more nuanced expressions. For instance, instead of "paramount significance," you might use "crucial importance." Additionally, aim for a more varied selection of synonyms and explore expressions that align closely with the context.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision in vocabulary usage is generally adequate, but there are instances where words could be chosen more precisely. For example, the term "game shows" might be substituted with a more specific term like "educational programs" or "documentaries" to better convey the diversity of television content.
    • How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning and nuances. When discussing television content, be specific about the types of programs to add depth to your argument. Replace general terms with more precise ones, considering the specific context of the essay.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is mostly maintained throughout the essay, with no glaring errors. However, there are a few instances where minor errors, such as missing articles or typos, could be addressed for a more polished presentation.
    • How to improve: Carefully proofread the essay to catch minor spelling errors or typos. Additionally, consider utilizing spelling and grammar tools for a thorough review. Pay attention to articles, ensuring they are appropriately used, and check for consistency in verb tenses for a more refined and error-free written expression.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a commendable variety of sentence structures, incorporating complex sentences, conditional clauses, compound sentences, and transitions effectively. For instance, the essay employs phrases such as "While… I contend that," showcasing a complex sentence structure, and uses phrases like "Admittedly, there are compelling reasons" to introduce a contrasting viewpoint, exhibiting sentence variety.
    • How to improve: To further enhance variety, consider integrating more rhetorical devices like rhetorical questions or parallelism to add flair and depth to the argument. Additionally, utilizing inversion or more advanced connectors might elevate the sophistication of the essay’s structure.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the grammar is solid with predominantly correct verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, and pronoun usage. For instance, "I am inclined to the belief" demonstrates accurate verb tense and subject-verb agreement.
    • How to improve: While generally strong, occasional errors in article usage or preposition placement were noticed. For instance, "for TV consumption" could be refined to "for consuming TV." To improve, revising sentence structures and paying attention to the appropriate use of articles and prepositions could enhance overall accuracy.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is mostly accurate, effectively employing commas, periods, and apostrophes. However, some areas could benefit from minor adjustments. For instance, considering the use of semi-colons or em dashes to create stronger sentence breaks and emphasize critical points could enhance the essay’s flow.
    • How to improve: To refine punctuation skills, practice using semi-colons in compound sentences or em dashes to set off additional information for a clearer and more emphatic presentation. Additionally, review the placement of commas within complex sentences to ensure they aid readability without causing confusion.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and varied sentence structures, contributing to a cohesive and persuasive argument. To further elevate the writing, focus on refining punctuation for improved clarity and consider incorporating more sophisticated sentence structures to add depth and sophistication to the discussion.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the ever-evolving landscape of contemporary society and advancing technology, the impact of television on children has sparked extensive debate. While the prevailing notion asserts that regular TV viewing is harmful to children, I maintain that this activity can significantly contribute to their development when approached judiciously.

Admittedly, there are compelling reasons why some believe that consistent screen exposure poses myriad negative consequences for children, particularly in terms of mental and physical well-being. A notable concern is the potential deterioration of health as youngsters, reaching school age, allocate substantial time to watching cartoons, game shows, and movies instead of taking breaks, getting adequate sleep, completing homework, or engaging in physical activities. This may lead to various health issues such as vision problems, sleep deprivation, immune system deficiencies, and more. However, this perspective lacks sound reasoning as it overlooks the potential mitigating impact of effective time management for TV consumption, which can eliminate these adverse effects and usher in numerous benefits from educational programs.

Notwithstanding the aforementioned arguments, I am inclined to the belief that technology, especially television, holds paramount significance in human life. One of the most compelling reasons for this assertion is that TV exposure broadens children’s perspectives on both national and global events. The provision of up-to-date information enables the younger generation to develop a profound understanding of life, fostering self-knowledge and a clear awareness of their surroundings. Additionally, television programs offer insights into various areas that are not typically covered in formal education, such as essential life skills and soft skills. Consequently, children cultivate critical thinking and problem-solving abilities, enabling them to make informed decisions in their later stages of life.

In conclusion, having examined both sides of the argument, it is undeniable that the positive influences of television programming outweigh the negative ones when children judiciously leverage the advantages it offers.

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