Some people think what children watch on TV would influence their behavior. While others think how long they watch would influence their behavior the most. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

One school of thought holds that different kinds of programmes on TV take a toll on children’s behaviors, while others are of the opinion that how much time children spend on watching affects their awareness. This essay will first closely examine both viewpoints before concluding that I agree with the former.
On the one hand, it is understandable why some people propose that the time students watch on TV can be detrimental for their behavior. If children’s eyes are tied to the screen for a long time, they could be addicted to the Internet and then heavily rely on TV programmes. For example, some researchers reported that children who spend over 5 hours per day watching TV have the intention to avoid communication with their friends, immerse themself in the virtual world and neglect their study. As a result, it not only affects their ability to socialize but it also has an impact on their academic results.

On the other hand, I side with those who believe that various types of TV programmes are responsible for childrens’ behavior. First, when children get access to the virtual world, they possibly watch violent images or videos without censorship. As a consequence, children, who can not be cognizant of moral and immoral behaviors, consider violence as normal and imitate illegal actions. Moreover, horror scenes on TV can take a toll on children’s mental health. For instance, when children see horrific videos, they might feel scared and obsessed with disgusting images in their mind. This example underscores the adverse effect on children from types of TV programmes.

In conclusion, while some people said that how much time children spend on TV has an impact on their behavior, I assumed that the primary reason for children’s behavior is the content of TV shows.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"One school of thought holds that" -> "One perspective suggests that"
Explanation: "One perspective suggests that" is a more precise and academically appropriate phrase, enhancing the formal tone of the introduction.
"different kinds of programmes" -> "various types of programs"
Explanation: "Various types of programs" is more specific and formal, aligning better with academic style by using "programs" instead of "programmes" to maintain consistency in American English usage in academic texts.
"take a toll on" -> "affect"
Explanation: "Affect" is a more direct and formal term than "take a toll on," which can sound colloquial and vague in an academic context.
"how much time children spend on watching" -> "the amount of time children spend watching"
Explanation: "The amount of time children spend watching" is more precise and formal, improving the clarity and formality of the sentence.
"I agree with the former" -> "I concur with the former perspective"
Explanation: "Concur" is a more formal synonym for "agree," and specifying "perspective" clarifies that it is the viewpoint being discussed, enhancing the academic tone.
"If children’s eyes are tied to the screen for a long time" -> "If children spend extended periods in front of screens"
Explanation: "Spend extended periods in front of screens" is more precise and avoids the colloquial expression "tied to the screen," which is informal and vague.
"heavily rely on TV programmes" -> "rely heavily on television programs"
Explanation: "Rely heavily on television programs" corrects the grammatical structure and uses "television programs" for consistency in formal style.
"some researchers reported" -> "research has shown"
Explanation: "Research has shown" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to introduce evidence, avoiding the passive voice and the vague "some researchers reported."
"have the intention to avoid" -> "intend to avoid"
Explanation: "Intend to avoid" is a more direct and formal expression, suitable for academic writing.
"immerse themself" -> "immerse themselves"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error in the verb agreement with the plural subject "children."
"not only affects their ability to socialize but it also has an impact on their academic results" -> "not only affects their socialization abilities but also their academic performance"
Explanation: "Socialization abilities" and "academic performance" are more precise and formal terms, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"childrens’ behavior" -> "children’s behavior"
Explanation: Corrects the possessive form "childrens’" to "children’s" for grammatical accuracy.
"get access to the virtual world" -> "access the virtual world"
Explanation: "Access the virtual world" is a more direct and formal expression, avoiding the unnecessary preposition "get" in this context.
"can not be cognizant of moral and immoral behaviors" -> "are not cognizant of moral and immoral behaviors"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error in the verb tense and form, aligning with the passive voice used in the sentence.
"consider violence as normal" -> "consider violence normal"
Explanation: Removing "as" corrects the grammatical structure, making the phrase more direct and formal.
"take a toll on children’s mental health" -> "affect children’s mental health"
Explanation: Replaces "take a toll on" with "affect" for a more direct and formal expression, as suggested earlier.
"I assumed" -> "I believe"
Explanation: "I believe" is a more assertive and academically appropriate verb choice than "I assumed," which can imply a less confident or incorrect assumption.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding the influence of TV on children’s behavior. The first viewpoint, which emphasizes the duration of TV watching, is discussed in the first body paragraph, where the author explains the potential negative consequences of excessive viewing time, such as addiction and social withdrawal. The second viewpoint, focusing on the content of TV programs, is presented in the second body paragraph, with a strong argument about the impact of violent and horror content on children’s behavior and mental health. The essay concludes with a clear personal opinion that aligns with the content argument, indicating a comprehensive engagement with the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author could provide more balanced coverage of both viewpoints. While the essay does present both sides, the argument for the impact of viewing time could be further developed with additional examples or evidence. This would demonstrate a deeper exploration of the topic and ensure that both perspectives are equally represented.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, favoring the argument that the type of TV content is more influential on children’s behavior than the amount of time spent watching. This stance is explicitly stated in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion. However, the transition between discussing the two viewpoints could be smoother to reinforce the author’s position more effectively.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the author could use transitional phrases that explicitly connect the discussion of each viewpoint back to their overall argument. For example, phrases like "Despite the concerns regarding viewing time, it is crucial to recognize…" would help maintain a clear thread of reasoning throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in the discussion of how violent and horror content can negatively affect children’s behavior and mental health. The use of examples, such as the impact of watching violent images, strengthens the argument. However, the first body paragraph could benefit from more detailed examples or studies to support the claim about the effects of excessive viewing time.
- How to improve: The author should aim to provide more specific examples or statistical evidence in both body paragraphs to substantiate their claims. For instance, citing specific studies or surveys that illustrate the effects of long viewing times on social skills or academic performance would enhance the credibility of the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic, discussing the influence of TV on children’s behavior without deviating into unrelated areas. Each paragraph clearly relates back to the central question posed in the prompt. However, there are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that could distract from the overall clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and improve clarity, the author should proofread the essay for grammatical accuracy and coherence. Simplifying complex sentences and ensuring proper subject-verb agreement would enhance readability and ensure that the arguments are communicated effectively. Additionally, using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help reinforce the main ideas and keep the essay on track.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the two perspectives and states the writer’s opinion. Each viewpoint is discussed in separate paragraphs, which aids in logical progression. The transition from discussing the time spent watching TV to the content of the programs is smooth, allowing the reader to follow the argument easily. However, the conclusion could be more explicitly linked to the arguments presented, as it briefly summarizes without reinforcing the logical connections made in the body.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider explicitly summarizing how each viewpoint relates to the conclusion. For instance, reiterating the main points from each paragraph in the conclusion can reinforce the argument and provide a stronger closure to the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific viewpoint. The first paragraph addresses the argument about the duration of TV watching, while the second discusses the impact of content. This clear division helps the reader navigate through the arguments. However, the introduction could benefit from a more defined thesis statement that clearly outlines the structure of the essay.
- How to improve: Strengthen the introduction by including a thesis statement that previews the main points to be discussed. For example, explicitly stating that the essay will explore both the duration and content of TV watching before presenting your opinion can provide clearer guidance for the reader.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand," "On the other hand," and "As a consequence," which effectively signal shifts in argument and help maintain coherence. However, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied; some phrases are repeated, which can detract from the overall fluidity of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using synonyms or alternative phrases to indicate contrast and addition. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," you could use "Conversely" or "In contrast" for variety. Additionally, incorporating more linking words and phrases throughout the paragraphs can enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially moving towards a band score of 9.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "detrimental," "immersed," and "cognizant." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited in variety and sophistication. For instance, the phrase "take a toll on" is repeated, which detracts from the overall lexical diversity. Additionally, terms like "violent images" and "horror scenes" are somewhat basic and could be enhanced with more nuanced language.
- How to improve: To improve lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more advanced vocabulary. For example, instead of repeating "take a toll on," alternatives like "have a detrimental effect on" or "exert a negative influence on" could be used. Exploring more descriptive adjectives (e.g., "graphic" instead of "violent") would also enhance the essay’s richness.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "children’s eyes are tied to the screen" is a metaphor that may confuse readers, as it is not a standard expression. Additionally, the term "immersed" is used in a context that suggests a physical state rather than a psychological engagement, which could lead to ambiguity.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should aim for clarity in expression. Instead of "children’s eyes are tied to the screen," a clearer phrase such as "children are often glued to the screen" would be more effective. Furthermore, using "engaged" or "absorbed" instead of "immersed" would better convey the intended meaning without causing confusion.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally good level of spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors. However, the word "childrens’" should be corrected to "children’s" to reflect proper possessive form. Additionally, "themself" should be replaced with "themselves," which is the correct plural reflexive pronoun.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, focusing on common possessive forms and pluralization rules. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch these errors before submission.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents arguments clearly, enhancing vocabulary range and precision, along with careful attention to spelling, would elevate the overall quality and potentially improve the Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences such as "If children’s eyes are tied to the screen for a long time, they could be addicted to the Internet and then heavily rely on TV programmes" effectively convey conditionality and consequence. However, there are instances of simpler structures that could be expanded. For example, the sentence "As a result, it not only affects their ability to socialize but it also has an impact on their academic results" could be restructured to enhance complexity and fluidity.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences that combine multiple clauses. For example, instead of "I side with those who believe that various types of TV programmes are responsible for childrens’ behavior," you could say, "I side with those who believe that various types of TV programmes, particularly those depicting violence, are significantly responsible for shaping children’s behavior." This not only adds complexity but also provides clearer connections between ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, "childrens’ behavior" should be corrected to "children’s behavior" to reflect proper possessive form. Additionally, the phrase "can not be cognizant of moral and immoral behaviors" could be simplified to "may not understand moral distinctions," which would enhance clarity. Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could improve readability, such as before "who can not be cognizant" in the sentence discussing children’s understanding of violence.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread for common errors, particularly in possessive forms and verb usage. Additionally, practicing the use of punctuation in complex sentences can help clarify meaning. For example, ensure that clauses are properly separated to avoid run-on sentences. Regularly reviewing grammar rules and engaging in exercises focused on common mistakes can also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

One school of thought holds that different kinds of programs on TV take a toll on children’s behavior, while others are of the opinion that how much time children spend watching affects their awareness. This essay will first closely examine both viewpoints before concluding that I concur with the former perspective.

On the one hand, it is understandable why some people propose that the amount of time students watch TV can be detrimental to their behavior. If children spend extended periods in front of screens, they could become addicted to the Internet and then heavily rely on television programs. For example, some researchers have reported that children who spend over 5 hours per day watching TV tend to avoid communication with their friends, immerse themselves in the virtual world, and neglect their studies. As a result, this not only affects their ability to socialize but also has an impact on their academic performance.

On the other hand, I side with those who believe that various types of TV programs are responsible for children’s behavior. First, when children access the virtual world, they may watch violent images or videos without censorship. As a consequence, children, who are not cognizant of moral and immoral behaviors, may consider violence as normal and imitate illegal actions. Moreover, horror scenes on TV can affect children’s mental health. For instance, when children see horrific videos, they might feel scared and become obsessed with disturbing images in their minds. This example underscores the adverse effects on children from the types of TV programs they watch.

In conclusion, while some people argue that how much time children spend on TV impacts their behavior, I believe that the primary reason for children’s behavior is the content of TV shows.