Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime.
Some people believe that the past prisoners who, after exiting, have become an example in society, they are the best options to be the ones who talk to teenagers warning the problems, consequently executing a crime. I totally agree with this opinion, as these old criminals have experienced terrible years in jail, and teenagers could be in similar situations.
First of all, the most important argument is the fact that these people who talk to young guys have had a personal experience, which helps to give precise details of the horrible times in prison and trials. For example, a murderer who is regretful of his actions after his prison exit, could tell the teens the number of friends and people you lose, the terrifying violence in prison rounded my many murderers and rapists. As a result of these talks, the teenagers reflect and understand the problem a crime provides.
Secondly, adolescents may find it easier to relate to someone who has gone through a similar path. The lawbreakers were the same age as the young listeners, so they could explain the feelings and thoughts they had at their age, therefore will provoke that the audience to be attentive and focused on what they were saying. For example, a boy who has already had many problems listens to the talk and compares it to his situation and would warn him and think about it before pursuing the wrong life path.
To summarize, I hardly agree with the fact that the people who have been in prison and then have become great examples, give talks to adolescents. This is because these people would tell their personal stories, would have a big weight likewise that the listeners could relate their past actions with the criminals and would provoke a deep reflection before committing any illegal act.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"the past prisoners who, after exiting" -> "former prisoners who, upon release"
Explanation: Replacing "the past prisoners who, after exiting" with "former prisoners who, upon release" enhances formality and clarity. "Former" is a more precise term, and "upon release" is a more formal way to express leaving prison.
"they are the best options to be the ones who talk" -> "they are ideal candidates to address"
Explanation: Changing "they are the best options to be the ones who talk" to "they are ideal candidates to address" eliminates redundancy and introduces a more refined phrase, "ideal candidates," to convey suitability in a formal manner.
"consequently executing a crime" -> "potentially engaging in criminal activities"
Explanation: Substituting "consequently executing a crime" with "potentially engaging in criminal activities" provides a more nuanced and academically appropriate expression. "Executing a crime" is replaced with a more general and formal term, "engaging in criminal activities."
"First of all, the most important argument is the fact that" -> "First and foremost, a paramount consideration is"
Explanation: Replacing "First of all, the most important argument is the fact that" with "First and foremost, a paramount consideration is" elevates the formality and structure of the sentence. The phrase "paramount consideration" conveys importance in a more academic manner.
"these people who talk to young guys" -> "individuals who address young individuals"
Explanation: Changing "these people who talk to young guys" to "individuals who address young individuals" maintains formality and avoids informal language. "Address" is a more formal term than "talk to."
"have had a personal experience" -> "possess firsthand experience"
Explanation: Substituting "have had a personal experience" with "possess firsthand experience" introduces a more formal and precise phrase. "Firsthand experience" conveys a direct and personal encounter.
"which helps to give precise details" -> "enabling them to provide precise details"
Explanation: Changing "which helps to give precise details" to "enabling them to provide precise details" improves the structure and formality of the sentence. The phrase "enabling them to" adds clarity and sophistication.
"rounded my many murderers and rapists" -> "surrounded by many murderers and rapists"
Explanation: Correcting "rounded my many murderers and rapists" to "surrounded by many murderers and rapists" addresses the grammatical error and maintains formal language.
"may find it easier to relate to someone" -> "may find it easier to connect with individuals"
Explanation: Substituting "may find it easier to relate to someone" with "may find it easier to connect with individuals" enhances formality and introduces a more sophisticated term, "connect."
"provoke that the audience to be attentive" -> "prompt the audience to be attentive"
Explanation: Changing "provoke that the audience to be attentive" to "prompt the audience to be attentive" corrects the verb usage and maintains formal language. "Prompt" is a more suitable term in this context.
"I hardly agree with the fact that" -> "I strongly agree with the notion that"
Explanation: Replacing "I hardly agree with the fact that" with "I strongly agree with the notion that" introduces a stronger and more formal expression of agreement. "Hardly agree" is replaced with "strongly agree," conveying a more decisive stance.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the prompt. It discusses the importance of former prisoners sharing their experiences with teenagers, highlighting the personal insights and potential impact on young minds. The writer recognizes the value of personal experience in delivering a powerful message to the audience.
- How to improve: While the essay covers all aspects of the prompt, a more detailed exploration of the potential benefits and challenges of having ex-prisoners speak to teenagers could enhance the depth of the response. Providing specific examples or scenarios could strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay consistently maintains a clear position in favor of having former prisoners as speakers to educate teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime. The stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion, creating a cohesive and well-defined argument.
- How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer could consider anticipating and addressing potential counterarguments. This would demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents the idea of using ex-prisoners as speakers and supports this idea with arguments about the value of personal experience and relatability. The examples provided, such as the regretful murderer sharing details of prison life, enhance the development of the essay.
- How to improve: To extend the ideas, the writer could explore alternative perspectives or counterarguments, demonstrating a more comprehensive understanding of the topic. Additionally, providing more examples or elaborating on existing ones could enrich the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the merits of having former prisoners speak to teenagers. However, there are some minor deviations in expression and grammar that could be addressed for a smoother flow.
- How to improve: Paying attention to sentence structure and grammar will contribute to a more coherent and focused essay. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph directly contributes to the main argument will further enhance the essay’s relevance.
In conclusion, while the essay effectively addresses the key elements of the prompt, there is room for improvement in providing more detailed explanations, anticipating counterarguments, and refining the expression for a more polished presentation.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, starting with an introduction, followed by two body paragraphs, and ending with a conclusion. However, there are some instances of awkward phrasing that affect clarity. For instance, in the opening sentence, the phrase "Some people believe that the past prisoners who, after exiting, have become an example in society" could be clearer if rephrased as "Some argue that individuals who were once in prison but have successfully reintegrated into society…"
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, focus on using clear and concise language. Ensure that each sentence flows smoothly into the next, avoiding unnecessary repetition or ambiguity. Consider revising sentence structures for better coherence.
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence. However, there are a few areas where paragraph transitions could be smoother. For example, the transition from the first body paragraph to the second could benefit from a more explicit connection between the points discussed.
- How to improve: Work on improving the transition between paragraphs by using transition words or phrases that explicitly link the ideas. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear focus on a single main idea to enhance overall paragraph coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("these people," "their actions," "the criminals"), conjunctions ("First of all," "Secondly," "For example"), and repetition ("crime," "teenagers"). However, there is room for improvement in terms of diversifying the range of cohesive devices used.
- How to improve: Expand the repertoire of cohesive devices by incorporating more advanced linking words and phrases. For instance, use cohesive devices like "furthermore," "however," or "consequently" to create a more nuanced and sophisticated connection between ideas. This will contribute to a more cohesive and polished essay.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion. To enhance the score, focus on refining language clarity, improving paragraph transitions, and incorporating a broader range of cohesive devices for a more sophisticated and polished presentation.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is an attempt to incorporate diverse words, the essay could benefit from a more extensive and nuanced vocabulary. For instance, the repeated use of "young guys" could be replaced with more varied terms, and certain phrases like "big weight" might be more effectively conveyed with alternative expressions. Furthermore, some sentences could be structured more eloquently to enhance lexical variety.
- How to improve: To broaden your vocabulary, consider utilizing synonyms and exploring more complex language structures. For instance, instead of repeatedly using the term "young guys," experiment with alternatives like "adolescents," "youth," or "teenagers." Additionally, vary your sentence structures to add sophistication and depth to your expression.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision. However, there are instances where words could be more precisely chosen to enhance clarity and specificity. For example, the phrase "rounded my many murderers and rapists" could be refined for a clearer depiction of the prison environment.
- How to improve: Aim for precision by selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of "rounded," consider using terms like "inhabited" or "populated." This will provide a clearer image of the prison setting and contribute to a more refined expression of your ideas.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with only minor errors. For instance, "execute" should be corrected to "commit" in the sentence "consequently executing a crime."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, carefully proofread your essays before submission. Additionally, consider using spelling and grammar tools available in word processing software to catch and correct minor errors. Developing a habit of reviewing your writing for spelling accuracy will contribute to overall improvement.
Overall, while the essay exhibits a commendable level of lexical resource, focusing on enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to a more polished and impactful composition.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. There is an attempt to use complex sentences, but they are somewhat repetitive in structure. For instance, the pattern "For example" is used twice, indicating a limited range. However, the writer does employ a mix of sentence lengths and effectively integrates some transitions for coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and effectiveness, the writer should experiment with a wider variety of sentence structures. Instead of relying on similar patterns, try incorporating more complex sentences with varied subordinating conjunctions and different sentence beginnings. This will contribute to a more engaging and sophisticated writing style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains noticeable grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, there are problems with subject-verb agreement (e.g., "the problems, consequently executing a crime"), awkward phrasing (e.g., "rounded my many murderers"), and missing articles (e.g., "people who talk to young guys"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect usage of commas in some instances.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, paying attention to subject-verb agreement, sentence structure, and article usage. Additionally, a careful review of punctuation rules, especially regarding commas, is crucial. Consider revising sentences to ensure clarity and correctness. Seeking feedback from peers or using grammar-checking tools could also be beneficial.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of grammar and sentence structures, there is room for improvement in terms of accuracy and variety. The writer should pay attention to specific grammatical errors and work on incorporating a wider range of sentence structures for a more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
Some individuals argue that former prisoners who, upon release, have transformed into positive contributors to society are ideal candidates to address teenagers about the dangers of engaging in criminal activities. I strongly agree with this notion, as these reformed individuals possess firsthand experience and are well-equipped to provide precise details of their challenging times in prison, serving as impactful messengers to the younger generation.
First and foremost, a paramount consideration is that these individuals, who address young people, have undergone personal experiences that enable them to share specific and vivid accounts of their time behind bars. For instance, a regretful murderer, upon release, can vividly describe the losses suffered, the pervasive violence in prison, and the daunting environment surrounded by many murderers and rapists. Such firsthand narratives prompt the audience to be attentive and focused on the potential consequences of criminal actions.
Furthermore, adolescents may find it easier to connect with individuals who have walked a similar path in their youth. These reformed lawbreakers, having been the same age as their young audience, can articulate the emotions and thoughts they experienced during their formative years. This relatability encourages a deeper connection with the audience, fostering a sense of understanding and empathy. For example, a troubled teenager listening to the personal story of a reformed individual may reflect on their own situation, leading to a thoughtful reconsideration of their choices before venturing down the wrong path.
In conclusion, I strongly agree with the notion that former prisoners who have successfully reintegrated into society can be effective speakers to address adolescents about the dangers of committing a crime. Their personal stories carry significant weight, allowing young listeners to relate their own experiences to the narratives of these reformed individuals, thereby prompting a profound reflection on the potential consequences of engaging in illegal activities.