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Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later. Some people think that having these people give a talk to school students is the best way to tell them about the dangers of committing a crime. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later. Some people think that having these people give a talk to school students is the best way to tell them about the dangers of committing a crime. Do you agree or disagree?

It is necessary to educate youngsters about crime nowadays. While some people believe that having reformed prisoners share their experiences as the best method to convey the dangers of criminal activities, I argue that there are more compelling reasons that such argument is not the best.
There might be some grounds that inviting people who are free from prison to have a talk with youngsters is essential. One significant reason is that they have real-life experiences to share. School students can have more vibrant stories when listening to these people. Another reason is that the lessons learned by former prisoners often carry a profound impact on young individuals.The perspectives from them about crime are distinct, which can emphasize the negative consequences of committing a crime.
However, there is evidence suggesting that it may not be the most effective approach to educate young citizens about criminal behavior. This is firstly because many former prisoners may struggle to articulate their stories clearly. Effective communication is crucial to convey the importance of avoiding criminal activities, but individuals who have been incarcerated may lack experience in expressing themselves.. Therefore, they may encounter difficulties when trying to make their audience be fully aware of their stories and purposes, potentially leading to misunderstandings among some young students. In addition to this, there are plenty of better ways to teach youngsters about significant drawbacks of committing a crime. For instance, teachers can incorporate activities such as watching documentaries, visiting local galleries and museums, or encouraging independent research and presentations on criminal topics. These alternatives not only can provide diverse perspectives but also help young citizens develop essential skills such as critical thinking and information analysis.
In conclusion, although having former prisoners talk to young individuals about adverse outcomes when committing a crime is a good way, there are more reasonable grounds for why such argument is not the best. It is recommended that school integrate the mentioned activities to offer a well-rounded and effective approach to educating students about this matter.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is necessary to educate youngsters about crime nowadays." -> "It is imperative to educate young individuals about crime in the present era."
    Explanation: Replacing "youngsters" with "young individuals" and "nowadays" with "in the present era" adds formality and precision to the statement, aligning it more closely with academic style.

  2. "While some people believe that having reformed prisoners share their experiences as the best method to convey the dangers of criminal activities, I argue that there are more compelling reasons that such argument is not the best." -> "While some advocate for reformed prisoners sharing their experiences as the most effective method to convey the dangers of criminal activities, I contend that there are more compelling reasons why this approach may not be optimal."
    Explanation: The suggested changes introduce a more formal tone by replacing "some people" with "advocate" and "argue" with "contend." Additionally, "such argument" is replaced with a more specific reference, making the language more precise.

  3. "There might be some grounds that inviting people who are free from prison to have a talk with youngsters is essential." -> "There may be merit in inviting individuals who have been released from prison to engage in discussions with young individuals."
    Explanation: The revision replaces the informal "some grounds" with the more formal "merit" and substitutes "talk with youngsters" with "engage in discussions with young individuals" for a more sophisticated expression.

  4. "One significant reason is that they have real-life experiences to share." -> "A noteworthy factor is their possession of real-life experiences to impart."
    Explanation: The phrase "significant reason" is replaced with "noteworthy factor," and the sentence is restructured for a more formal and precise presentation of the idea.

  5. "Another reason is that the lessons learned by former prisoners often carry a profound impact on young individuals." -> "Additionally, the insights gained by former prisoners frequently exert a profound influence on young individuals."
    Explanation: The term "lessons learned" is replaced with "insights gained," and the sentence is rephrased for enhanced formality and clarity.

  6. "However, there is evidence suggesting that it may not be the most effective approach to educate young citizens about criminal behavior." -> "Nevertheless, there is evidence indicating that this may not be the most efficacious approach to educate young citizens about criminal behavior."
    Explanation: "However" is replaced with "Nevertheless" for a more formal transition, and "effective" is substituted with "efficacious" for a more advanced term.

  7. "This is firstly because many former prisoners may struggle to articulate their stories clearly." -> "This is primarily because many former prisoners may encounter challenges in articulating their stories coherently."
    Explanation: "Firstly" is replaced with "primarily" for increased formality, and "struggle" is substituted with "encounter challenges" for a more nuanced expression.

  8. "Effective communication is crucial to convey the importance of avoiding criminal activities, but individuals who have been incarcerated may lack experience in expressing themselves.." -> "Effective communication is paramount to convey the significance of avoiding criminal activities, yet individuals who have been incarcerated may lack expertise in articulating their thoughts."
    Explanation: The phrase "crucial" is replaced with "paramount" for a more formal tone, and the sentence is rephrased to avoid repetitive language and enhance clarity.

  9. "In conclusion, although having former prisoners talk to young individuals about adverse outcomes when committing a crime is a good way, there are more reasonable grounds for why such argument is not the best." -> "In conclusion, while having former prisoners engage in conversations with young individuals about the adverse outcomes of committing a crime has merit, there are more compelling reasons why this approach may not be optimal."
    Explanation: The term "good way" is replaced with "has merit," and "reasonable grounds" is substituted with "compelling reasons" for improved precision and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "There might be some grounds that inviting people who are free from prison to have a talk with youngsters is essential. One significant reason is that they have real-life experiences to share. School students can have more vibrant stories when listening to these people. Another reason is that the lessons learned by former prisoners often carry a profound impact on young individuals. The perspectives from them about crime are distinct, which can emphasize the negative consequences of committing a crime."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction establishes the writer’s position on the topic but lacks a concise preview of the main points that will be discussed. It would be beneficial to provide a roadmap of the reasons supporting the argument, enhancing the essay’s overall structure and coherence. For instance, the writer could briefly mention that they will discuss the impact of real-life experiences and distinct perspectives from former prisoners.
    • Improved example: "There might be some grounds that inviting people who are free from prison to have a talk with youngsters is essential. One significant reason is that they have real-life experiences to share, providing vivid stories that can deeply resonate with school students. Another crucial aspect is the unique perspective these former prisoners bring, allowing them to emphasize the distinct negative consequences of committing a crime. In this essay, I will delve into these aspects to present a comprehensive argument."
  2. Quoted text: "However, there is evidence suggesting that it may not be the most effective approach to educate young citizens about criminal behavior. This is firstly because many former prisoners may struggle to articulate their stories clearly. Effective communication is crucial to convey the importance of avoiding criminal activities, but individuals who have been incarcerated may lack experience in expressing themselves.. Therefore, they may encounter difficulties when trying to make their audience be fully aware of their stories and purposes, potentially leading to misunderstandings among some young students."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The argument here is well-developed, addressing potential challenges in communication. However, the explanation could be more precise and focus on the clarity of ideas. Additionally, it would be beneficial to provide a counterargument or alternative approach to strengthen the overall persuasiveness of the essay.
    • Improved example: "However, evidence suggests that relying solely on former prisoners to educate young citizens about criminal behavior may have limitations. Firstly, many individuals who have been incarcerated may struggle to articulate their stories clearly, hindering effective communication. The clarity of their message is crucial to convey the importance of avoiding criminal activities, and their lack of experience in expression may lead to potential misunderstandings among some young students. While their experiences are valuable, it’s essential to consider alternative approaches to ensure effective communication and understanding among the audience."

Overall, the essay presents relevant ideas but needs improvement in providing a concise preview of main points and refining the precision of the explanation. Incorporating counterarguments or alternative approaches could strengthen the overall argumentation.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a generally clear and logical organization throughout. It presents a coherent structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction sets up the argument clearly, outlining both viewpoints. Each paragraph contributes to the discussion and maintains a logical progression of ideas. There’s a clear central topic within each paragraph, facilitating the flow of information.

The essay utilizes cohesive devices effectively to connect ideas within and between sentences. There’s a competent use of cohesive devices, ensuring a relatively smooth transition between ideas. However, there are instances where the essay could enhance cohesion by employing a wider variety of cohesive devices more consistently.

Paragraphing is generally appropriate, but there are minor lapses in logical paragraph breaks in a few instances, which slightly impact the essay’s coherence.

How to improve:

  1. Enhance the use of a wider range of cohesive devices to strengthen connections between ideas further. Consider employing devices like pronouns, transitional phrases, and conjunctions consistently and effectively throughout the essay.
  2. Ensure more consistent and logical paragraph breaks to improve the overall coherence and organization of ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, focusing on a wider array of cohesive devices and reinforcing logical paragraph structures could elevate its clarity and coherence further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, incorporating both common and less common lexical items. The writer effectively conveys the message with a sufficient level of precision, using varied expressions. There is an awareness of style and collocation, contributing to the overall fluency of the essay. Minor errors occur, but they are infrequent and do not significantly impede communication.

How to Improve: To enhance lexical resource further, consider incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and paying extra attention to word choice. Ensure that uncommon lexical items are used accurately and in context. Additionally, proofread the essay to address the rare minor errors in spelling and word formation to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay showcases a variety of complex structures and demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation. The writer uses a mix of sentence forms effectively, maintaining clarity in expression throughout most of the essay. There are frequent error-free sentences, but occasional errors slightly affect the overall fluency.

How to improve: To further enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on refining sentence structures for even greater variety. Additionally, pay closer attention to minor errors, especially in subject-verb agreement and phrasing, to elevate the essay to a consistently error-free level.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is imperative to educate young individuals about crime in the present era. While some advocate for reformed prisoners sharing their experiences as the most effective method to convey the dangers of criminal activities, I contend that there are more compelling reasons why this approach may not be optimal.

There may be merit in inviting individuals who have been released from prison to engage in discussions with young individuals. A noteworthy factor is their possession of real-life experiences to impart. Additionally, the insights gained by former prisoners frequently exert a profound influence on young individuals.

Nevertheless, there is evidence indicating that this may not be the most efficacious approach to educate young citizens about criminal behavior. This is primarily because many former prisoners may encounter challenges in articulating their stories coherently. Effective communication is paramount to convey the significance of avoiding criminal activities, yet individuals who have been incarcerated may lack expertise in articulating their thoughts.

In conclusion, while having former prisoners engage in conversations with young individuals about the adverse outcomes of committing a crime has merit, there are more compelling reasons why this approach may not be optimal.

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